Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let DS aged 16 go away for 3 nights with 7 of his friends?

156 replies

Georgethesecond · 18/07/2015 17:19

He wants to get the train to a city in the UK that is far from ours. Maybe three hours drive. It is a mixed group of girls and boys and they have all finished their GCSEs this summer. They will stay in a flat owned by the parents of one of the kids, and the mum will stay with friends nearby - so she will be in the same city but not on the same premises. I don't know exactly how far away she will be, basically she cannot supervise them but she can bail them out if she is called to do so. I don't know her and have only met her once. She will drive half the kids down there, the others will get the train and the travel costs will apparently be shared equally among the kids. (I expect she will pay for the petrol!) DS has enough in his bank account to cover the train and also his food and so on.

None of them has fake ID and I do not think they stand any chance of buying alcohol. Obviously this does not mean that they won't take any with them. I won't give DS any to take. I don't think any of them has ever taken drugs or has any interest in them. I know I can't know this for sure. They are all conscientious high achievers heading for university. They do drink alcohol but obviously are inexperienced as they are so young. I have spoken to DS about drinking, about what too much alcohol looks like, about what to do if someone drinks too much and how you can tell that they have.

DS is talking to me about it and understands that he needs to have a proper plan and why I might have reservations about the trip. He has researched the train fares and I think he would keep in touch by text if he went. He is reasonably practical and used to getting trains around our local area. He is a sensible boy who has never given me cause to doubt him and has never lied to me to my knowledge.

I am leaning towards letting him go. Am I mad? What do I need to talk to him about if I do let him go?

OP posts:
Inkspellme · 19/07/2015 07:52

I'm in Ireland so whilst it is a different country I do have a now 17 year old dd. last year she arranged a 3 day camping trip with some friends. it went well. I, like you, talked to her about drinking. I know there was drink there and I think you would be fooling yourself if you thought that alcohol wasn't on the cards for your ds' s weekend. However, you come across as a level headed realistic mom.

I would let him go.

Original poster
Georgethesecond · 19/07/2015 08:35

Raven - I think if I told him he couldn't go, he wouldn't go, to be honest. But I also think he would be really disappointed.

There was another trip to another destination after exams, with the same group of friends but more of them were going. He chose not to go as he knew there were too many people, there wasn't enough room, he would get no sleep and consequently he wouldn't enjoy it. While they were there he talked about feeling a bit down that they were all there without him, even though he didn't want to be there. We have always talked stuff over right from when he was 10 or so and old enough to go to the park with friends (seems like a different world now!) He understands that I'm not wanting to be mean, but wanting him to be safe.

OP posts:
Mehitabel6 · 19/07/2015 08:43

He sounds very sensible which is why he should be fine.
Parenting isn't easy and it gets harder as they get older. It is much easier to keep them safe and at home, but it isn't good for them and I think it lazy parenting. ( and a bit dangerous when you can count the time until an adult in months).

Silvercatowner · 19/07/2015 09:03

Children and young people need to know how to assess and respond appropriately to risk, and they cannot do that unless they are exposed to risk. It is impossible, and very unwise, to shield children from risk. TBH 16 is too old to be embarking on this process - if he isn't able to manage this experience at that age then how will he cope when he needs to be making adult decisions for himself?

Original poster
Georgethesecond · 19/07/2015 09:25

I absolutely agree. It is a process that we as parents need to make sure they all go through before they leave home. I don't feel that DS is only just embarking on it for the first time. He has already spent days in our city and used public transport around this area. He has also been away from home many times with school and scouts, though that is a bit different from this trip.

OP posts:
LeBearPolar · 19/07/2015 09:34

I agree very much with Mehitabel's points. I was that sheltered child: my first taste of any kind of freedom was when I left home to go to university and that was far too much far too quickly and all at once. Silvercatowner makes a very wise point about risk assessment too - my father was so controlling that I had no idea how to manage my own life or to handle situations safely and maturely. I had some very unhappy times as a result of being a very young eighteen year old on my own in a city.

LeBearPolar · 19/07/2015 09:38

Mehitabel - your post about it being easier to keep them safe at home but also being lazy parenting has been a bit of a lightbulb moment for me. Sad It's a bit hard to explain - I hated being so restricted and controlled but I always somehow assumed it was "for my own good". But it was just to make their life easier, wasn't it?

ohtheholidays · 19/07/2015 09:44

I would let him and I must be the worst worrier when it comes to my own children and every one elses children.

I'd talk to him about condoms,drinking and drugs if it was my child.

Do any of them know basic first aid?Just in case I know it's unlikely they'll need to use it but I always think it's better to be safe than sorry.

Make sure he has his phone charger with him,his phone,plenty of credit(if not on a contract)that he's charged it before he goes and it isn't switched off or on silent,that you have other people's phone numbers in case he looses his phone or it breaks ect.

If it was me I'd also try and fit in a chat and a coffee with the Mum who owns the flat just to check we were on the same wave length and to check she's not the sort of Mum that is going to load the flat with booze for the kids.

I hope he gets to go and I hope all the kids have a great time.

eyebags63 · 19/07/2015 09:47

16 is old enough to spend a couple of days away from home in the UK. It is only a train ride away, what can really (realistically) go wrong tbh? ]

You can't wrap them in cotton wool and protect them from all risk forever.... and in any case people do not get raped, murdered or run over nearly as often as the media would like us to believe.

I would have thought the biggest risks were 1) getting too drunk and 2) Unprotected sex. Both of those should be addressed before they go.

NorbertDentressangle · 19/07/2015 09:48

My first thought was "the poor neighbours" but that's probably because the 17 year old next door to us regularly has a mixed group of friends round and they are just so loud and shouty, music blaring, screeching etc

(and we live in detached houses so lord knows what it would be like if we're in flats)

AndNowItsSeven · 19/07/2015 11:24

Do parents on this thread not realise how much a teenagers brain develops and matures between the ages of 16 and 18? Those extra months make a massive difference in terms of making responsible choices for themselves.

Original poster
Georgethesecond · 19/07/2015 12:20

LeBear - I think they could have believed it was for your own good, but been wrong. They weren't necessarily knowingly/deliberately doing it for themselves.

Andnow - I do know that. But I still think making no decisions at all before eighteen is poor preparation for suddenly making all your decisions as soon as you turn eighteen.

I don't think they will make loads of noise. They have sleepover nights quite regularly and they don't seem overly noisy - the kids tend to watch films rather than put music on. But I will talk to him about noise levels.

OP posts:
Original poster
Georgethesecond · 19/07/2015 12:23

We live in a semi so he has some idea about neighbours and noise.

OP posts:
Trills · 19/07/2015 12:51

making no decisions at all before eighteen is poor preparation for suddenly making all your decisions as soon as you turn eighteen.

Definitely.

AndNowItsSeven · 19/07/2015 13:16

George I agree that would be poor preparation.
However you are not talking about going to Alton Towers with one or two friends and staying over in a local B and B. This is a group of mixed sexed 16 year olds possibly some 15 unsupervised in a flat partying with alcohol.

Original poster
Georgethesecond · 19/07/2015 13:25

Yes I know.

OP posts:
SkaterGrrrrl · 19/07/2015 13:32

I'd let him go.

Mehitabel6 · 19/07/2015 13:53

Surely this mixed group of 16yr olds, for 3 nights,with a mother nearby is a good idea when the next trip might be a mixed group to Ibiza for a week with no responsible adult nearby.

LaLyra · 19/07/2015 14:00

I think the world wants it all ways sometimes. We want 16 year olds being treated as children with no trust and very little freedom, but at the same time we're horrified by older teenagers going off to university and being unable to cope with making decisions and getting themselves around safely.

At 16 I left school and started work full time. I went out on the weekend, I drank alcohol in moderation and I spent a weekend in London with my mates. My grandparents guided me and supported me to make good choices and my 15 year old is no less capable of any of that than me.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 19/07/2015 14:08

A 16yo can leave home and there is very little you can do about it.

Mehitabel6 · 19/07/2015 14:50

You don't get a sensible, competent, 18 yr old unless you gradually give independence and let them risk assess for themselves. They don't miraculously wake up an adult on their 18th Birthday able to catch trains, deal with peer pressure, use a washing machine, meet deadlines, cook a 3 course meal, handle money etc etc unless you have let them do age appropriate things as they go through childhood.

ditherydora · 19/07/2015 15:03

i am fairly certain I was only 16 when I went to Ibiza for a week with my mates - group holiday/tour. We spent all our money on drink and had to live on chips for the last 2 days. we survived though with no real traumas. Tbh I would be a bit disappointed if my kids didn't want to bugger off for a few days on their own by the time they were 16.

Original poster
Georgethesecond · 19/07/2015 15:21

My gut feeling is still that this is ok. I currently have a sensible competent 16yo (and 14yo!). For them to become sensible competent 18yos they need to keep improving their skills, making their own decisions and judging situations for themselves. This is a part of that.

DS2 is currently at the stage of getting public transport into our city for a booked activity. He can cook a meal and they can both do a load of laundry and wash up properly. They are lovely sensible boys and I am proud of them.

Thus thread has been really helpful and given me things to discuss with him beforehand.

Cheers to you all Flowers

OP posts:
CatMilkMan · 19/07/2015 15:27

I lived on my own at 16 so I'm probably not much help, I think you have to decide based completely on him and how much you trust him.

listsandbudgets · 19/07/2015 15:32

I would but then I went to France for 2 weeks with a couple of my friends soon after we finished our GCSEs. We travelled about stayed in very cheap nasty hotels (£5 a night in Paris for a room for 3!) and generally had fun.

There was a small incident where we accidentally crossed the Swiss border on a night train but no harm done..... Grin

Swipe left for the next trending thread