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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To let DS aged 16 go away for 3 nights with 7 of his friends?

156 replies

Georgethesecond · 18/07/2015 17:19

He wants to get the train to a city in the UK that is far from ours. Maybe three hours drive. It is a mixed group of girls and boys and they have all finished their GCSEs this summer. They will stay in a flat owned by the parents of one of the kids, and the mum will stay with friends nearby - so she will be in the same city but not on the same premises. I don't know exactly how far away she will be, basically she cannot supervise them but she can bail them out if she is called to do so. I don't know her and have only met her once. She will drive half the kids down there, the others will get the train and the travel costs will apparently be shared equally among the kids. (I expect she will pay for the petrol!) DS has enough in his bank account to cover the train and also his food and so on.

None of them has fake ID and I do not think they stand any chance of buying alcohol. Obviously this does not mean that they won't take any with them. I won't give DS any to take. I don't think any of them has ever taken drugs or has any interest in them. I know I can't know this for sure. They are all conscientious high achievers heading for university. They do drink alcohol but obviously are inexperienced as they are so young. I have spoken to DS about drinking, about what too much alcohol looks like, about what to do if someone drinks too much and how you can tell that they have.

DS is talking to me about it and understands that he needs to have a proper plan and why I might have reservations about the trip. He has researched the train fares and I think he would keep in touch by text if he went. He is reasonably practical and used to getting trains around our local area. He is a sensible boy who has never given me cause to doubt him and has never lied to me to my knowledge.

I am leaning towards letting him go. Am I mad? What do I need to talk to him about if I do let him go?

OP posts:
freshpeaches · 18/07/2015 22:40

When I was 16, I went by National Express from Southampton via London to Aviemore (yes, in the Highlands of Scotland) by myself. Overnight. To stay with friends who i'd not seen since I was 6..

I, a lone female, survived the journey and turned out fine! :)

CainInThePunting · 18/07/2015 22:44

I'm not even going to read the thread but hell will freeze over before I would let DS do this.
I went to Spain alone at 16, No,No,No!

Is there a hypocrite emoticon?? We need one.

kua · 18/07/2015 22:45

fresh I'm glad you survived "Highlands"

WineIsMyMainVice · 18/07/2015 22:49

You definitely need to have the condom chat!!

Mehitabel6 · 18/07/2015 22:51

Maybe those who were out of control at 16 yrs are the ones not to allow it.
I was sensible then and so were my DCs.
Since they will be away from home at university within about 27 months, and you won't know what they are doing, 3 nights with a few friends and one of the mothers nearby seems a good preparation.

Mehitabel6 · 18/07/2015 22:55

I don't see the point in saying in banning everything until they are 18yrs old- have the money and announce they are off to the Mediterranean with friends for a week - that is what would really, really worry me. Or are you expecting to tell adults what they can't do?

Mehitabel6 · 18/07/2015 22:58

DS had to cross US alone with a change of plane aged just 18yrs. I was far happier about it knowing he could cope with a 3 hour train journey.

Chiefsquawtbt · 18/07/2015 23:05

My DD1 is 16 and I would not let her go but she is a bit of a party girl tbh. I would definitely send him with condoms - they're 16, they'll be drinking and they're horny as hell at that age!

ravenAK · 18/07/2015 23:06

This 'I wouldn't allow it' business - how does that work? Do you just mean you wouldn't fund it, or you'd remove other privileges if the kid didn't toe the line & agree not to go, or are you just relying on your 16yo meekly accepting your veto?

My parents were less than impressed by my heading off to Reading Festival after my O Levels in '87 (& I can't say I blame them - I spent most of the weekend off my tits on cider & speed, shagged a dubious 20 something biker & came back so malodorous that I vividly remember my mum making me strip off in the utility room so she could put everything I was wearing straight into the twin tub Grin).

But it wouldn't've occurred to them that they could stop me going - I'd saved up & paid for my own tickets/coach fare/spends & was old enough to leave home permanently, if I'd chosen to do so.

I'll be quietly relieved if any of my three choose a decorous weekend at someone's mum's flat to experience their first taste of independence!

kua · 18/07/2015 23:10

Mehitabel Well so did I. However, My ability to cross the Atlantic by plane on my own does NOT equate to a weekend away with my peer group.

FortyFacedFuckers · 18/07/2015 23:12

Yes let him go.
When I was 16 I went to gran canaria for a week and survived!

FortyFacedFuckers · 18/07/2015 23:12

And yes to sending condoms Wink

Biscuitsneeded · 18/07/2015 23:32

I think it boils down to knowing your own child and his peer group. He sounds like a very sensible lad with nice friends. Yes, there will be some drinking, but at that age they will find a way to get hold of alcohol even if it's just a sleepover in their home town. And as other posters have said, a flat in the UK with a parent nearby is preferable for a first taste of independence to a package holiday in Magaluf or possibly even having to be ambulanced from Fresher's Week at university (which I saw happen to two very geeky boys who had never encountered alcohol before university). If you think your child can cope and make reasonable decisions, I'd let him go. My boys are younger than this, but I can imagine letting DS1 do this at 16 as he was born sensible and trustworthy. DS2 will not be allowed out of my sight until he's 35, as he is a magnet for chaos. I'd trust my instincts on this.

tilliebob · 18/07/2015 23:46

I've just let my nearly 16 year old DS go over to the other side of the country from us to his mates family caravan with 3 friends. They had to get 3 trains over, fend for themselves for a week etc. we picked them up yesterday and they've had a ball. They are total gamers so went with consoles, laptops and controllers eye. They're quiet lads - we joked about condoms and even gave DS some much to his embarrassment, but they used them for water bombs Grin. They also drank nothing but fizzy juice. DS knew to get in touch with me everyday - by text or what's app, and that he could ring at any time if he needed us. It's been very successful and they can't wait to go again! I'm amazed how chilled I was about it once they'd reached the campsite Grin

Greenrememberedhills · 18/07/2015 23:57

My 16 nearly 17 year old just went camping for 4 days over 100 miles away. They were fine.

BombaySapper · 19/07/2015 00:00

I wouldn't.

RockinHippy · 19/07/2015 00:05

I did pretty much exactly this at 16, complete with friends parents staying nearby, probably even further away & followed it up a few months later with a trip to Paris. We were sensible, had great time & had no need to call on friends parents for help at all. I think I spent most of my spending money on gifts for home, not alcohol & I was pretty wild back then, but sensible enough to know to place safe away from home.

Let him go, he's an adult now & he deserves it, it will be a brilliant experience for him & sounds like he's the sort of lad who will make you proud - YADNBU & your not mad either

kua · 19/07/2015 00:10

I'm thankful for those that agree with me.

AndNowItsSeven · 19/07/2015 00:23

Raven when I say I wouldn't allow it , I mean just that. My dd at 16 is still a child and has to ask our permission to do things just as she has done at any age. Obviously the things she isn't allowed to do differ with age.

AndNowItsSeven · 19/07/2015 00:23

No Rockin 16 is not an adult.

kua · 19/07/2015 00:30

I'm so glad to see others that look at 16 as a child.

DoesItReallyMatter · 19/07/2015 00:39

16 is not an adult but they are not children either. They are, or should be,at the 'work in progress' stage of development. You don't just switch from Child to adult overnight. I even find my older kids 20/22 ish still need a little bit of parenting from time to time.
I think a trip like the one the OPs son is going on is perfect for a first trip away with pals.

larant · 19/07/2015 01:16

At 16 they can legally get married. If your 16 year old child wanted to go on holiday without your permission, you could not legally do anything about it. At 16 I was working looking after disabled teenagers. Of course I matured a lot over the next few years, but at 16 I was looking after disabled teenagers on trips out and residential holidays. Nobody thought that was strange then.

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 19/07/2015 01:23

It depends on the individual, but from what the OP says her son sounds ready to cope with this.

My ds went abroad with 3 friends last year for a week. He was 16. They coped fine with planes, coaches etc and staying in a foreign country. We had rules about drinking, staying together, not feeling pressurised to do anything if you didn't want to etc. I suspect that they did do some drinking but they all came back in one piece having had a great time.

He is off to the Reading festival with his mates this summer and I am far more worried about that tbh.

Mehitabel6 · 19/07/2015 07:28

You don't suddenly get from child to adult on your 18th birthday!
A 16 yr old is still a child but a 'child' who can get married and join the army- not a child as aged 6, 10 or 14 yrs.
The one in OP has probably been 16 yrs for a while, possibly as long as 10 months in which case he is only 14 months off being an adult.
My DS did not just cross the Atlantic by plane, kua with someone at each airport. He had to change planes in one of the busiest US airports on his own with no one on the end of a phone in the same country. You may be relaxed about that if they hadn't managed a train journey at home and 3 nights away with friends,and a mother close by, but it would scare me witless!
I was very pleased that he was sensible enough to travel, and go away with friends, on his own at 16 yrs.
I think it madness to ban a short trip at home aged about 16 and a half and then have them off to Ibiza at 18yrs.
I can only assume that some people think that although 18 yrs is legally an adult they still think they would ban their particular adult from doing it!
These children are the very ones who go off the rails once they do get away- or sadly they are too scared to get away.