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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To let DS aged 16 go away for 3 nights with 7 of his friends?

156 replies

Georgethesecond · 18/07/2015 17:19

He wants to get the train to a city in the UK that is far from ours. Maybe three hours drive. It is a mixed group of girls and boys and they have all finished their GCSEs this summer. They will stay in a flat owned by the parents of one of the kids, and the mum will stay with friends nearby - so she will be in the same city but not on the same premises. I don't know exactly how far away she will be, basically she cannot supervise them but she can bail them out if she is called to do so. I don't know her and have only met her once. She will drive half the kids down there, the others will get the train and the travel costs will apparently be shared equally among the kids. (I expect she will pay for the petrol!) DS has enough in his bank account to cover the train and also his food and so on.

None of them has fake ID and I do not think they stand any chance of buying alcohol. Obviously this does not mean that they won't take any with them. I won't give DS any to take. I don't think any of them has ever taken drugs or has any interest in them. I know I can't know this for sure. They are all conscientious high achievers heading for university. They do drink alcohol but obviously are inexperienced as they are so young. I have spoken to DS about drinking, about what too much alcohol looks like, about what to do if someone drinks too much and how you can tell that they have.

DS is talking to me about it and understands that he needs to have a proper plan and why I might have reservations about the trip. He has researched the train fares and I think he would keep in touch by text if he went. He is reasonably practical and used to getting trains around our local area. He is a sensible boy who has never given me cause to doubt him and has never lied to me to my knowledge.

I am leaning towards letting him go. Am I mad? What do I need to talk to him about if I do let him go?

OP posts:
sashh · 18/07/2015 20:36

What do I say about legal highs (apart from just bloody don't!) - if someone is unresponsive then that is when you call for help? Don't assume someone is asleep, if you can't wake them then.... Then what exactly?!

How about. Alcohol can kill, one night's drinking alcohol can kill you and we have centuries of knowledge about alcohol and its affects/effects.

If you end up in a and e after too much alcohol the staff know what to do, after a legal high they have to just guess.

If they are going to drink or otherwise indulge it is a good idea for someone to stay sober, they can take it in turns.

Yes you want the address, and the contact details of the mum.

You also need to be contactable and he needs to know he can call you at anytime if he is in trouble and as pp said you will help and go in to the details later.

Think like a teenager, a teenager who thinks mum will be furious if they come home drunk won't come home drunk even if that means trying to sleep off a spiked drink in a park. A teenager who knows mum will help who has had a drink spiked will call home.

AndNowItsSeven · 18/07/2015 20:39

No way , my dd is 16 and just finished her GSCE's. She is not yet an adult. I find it really bizarre that turning 16 means parents let their children be unsupervised away from home for long periods.

Llareggub · 18/07/2015 20:39

Times have changed. When I was 16 it wouldn't have occurred to me that I would need permission to go anywhere!

MayPolist · 18/07/2015 20:41

NO way!

MayPolist · 18/07/2015 20:42

Times have changed. When I was 16 it wouldn't have occurred to me that I would need permission to go anywhere!
No times haven't changed.You just had shit parents!

AndNowItsSeven · 18/07/2015 20:42

Really llaregubb? When I was 16, 18 was the age you became an adult and did as you pleased.

Marmitelover55 · 18/07/2015 20:46

I spent a week youth hosteling with two friends (aged 15 and 14) in the new forest when I was only fifteen. Can't believe my patents let me go!! This was well before mobile phones. I think you should let your son go - he sounds sensible and it will be fun.

Llareggub · 18/07/2015 20:48

Shit parents? Not at all. In fact I was raised to be independent and self-sufficient. I started working at 14 and continued to work through university. I never had anything to rebel against, so didn't.

almondcakes · 18/07/2015 20:50

Seven, it isn't sudden for most kids though, surely? They've gradually got more freedom up to 16 before a weekend away.

Camping with friends for one night a few miles away, travelling with friends to a city for a day and do on.

Then at about 16 going away for a weekend in the UK, then a week, then trips abroad.

GirlsTimesThree · 18/07/2015 20:52

All my DDs have done this. DD2 went to France to stay in one of her friend's grandparents flat. My friend knows the people in the neighbouring flats, so there was someone to call on if there was a problem. Mind you, it was just a group of sensible, responsible girls.
The only thing I was worried about was the swimming pool/sea, knowing that if they were drinking and decided to swim, it could have been dangerous. I found out that the pool was fenced and locked at night and had a lifeguard on duty all day. I just talked to her about being safe and not drinking around water (not that she drinks much anyway, even now) and making sure her friends were safe too.
They had a wonderful time and it was a good, fairly safe, introduction to more independence.
DD3 just went a couple of hours away, up the coast, in a similar scenario as your DS - another mum went and stayed nearby just in case they got into problems, but they were fine. When I went to pick them up they'd just had a full breakfast and were washing up and tidying before giving the keys to the house back!
My DDs older now (the youngest is 17) and I honestly believe they and their friends are much more responsible and risk aware than my generation was at the same age.
I hope your DS and his friends have as much fun as our DDs did.

cece · 18/07/2015 20:57

When I was 16 I went camping in a tent with 5 friends for a week. I think I would let him go.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 18/07/2015 20:59

I'm shocked that some parents think 16 is too young to go away alone for a few days. Utgsn of course.

Oliversmumsarmy · 18/07/2015 21:06

I am shocked that 16 year olds parents are so blase about them drinking alcohol. I have a 15 year old and the number of parents who think it is ok for their dc to drink to me is unbelievable. But there again what would I know. I am tee total and have a personality without resorting to booze.

notquiteruralbliss · 18/07/2015 21:06

I am with Llareggub's parents. Don't give them anything to rebel against. Mine don't have to ask permission to go anywhere but do often run arrangements past me and know they can call me if things don't go to plan. OP your DS sounds sensible. It should be fine. And if mot, he can call you or the parent who is going to be nearby.

kittensinmydinner · 18/07/2015 21:08

At 16 I told my mum I was ' inter railing' when in fact I was hitch hiking around Europe with my boyfriend ....ok it was the early 80's but it was GREAT and I learnt so much about being self reliant and budgeting ... She still doesn't know.., I'm 51 and mum is 82 .. Don't think I'll tell her now just in case she grounds me ...Grin

ravenAK · 18/07/2015 21:10

To be fair, at 16yo if he announced he was moving out permanently tomorrow, there'd be bugger all OP could do to stop him.

This being the case I'd shove a pack of condoms in his hand 'just in case', & make it crystal clear that you'd rather get a middle of the night call, pick him up & subsequently give him a bollocking for getting wrecked than collect him from hospital or worse if he didn't contact you.

I'd also be having a word about if he's old enough to stay in someone else's flat unsupervised he's old enough to pay for any damage - not that he sounds like the vandalising type, but if the carpets needed a clean after having spilt beer & crisps trodden into them, say, you'd be expecting the friend's mum to bill him & his mates, & wouldn't be bailing him out...

He'll be fine! Excellent practice for Uni or whatever.

AndNowItsSeven · 18/07/2015 21:12

Yes obviously I let my dd gradually have more and more freedom. She is travelling to NZ alone for the summer to stay with relatives.
However she wouldn't be allowed to holiday with friends.

Georgethesecond · 18/07/2015 21:41

Thanks guys - I'm feeling more as though I have got my head around it now.

I'm not blasé about the drinking, it is something he has only been doing at parties and only in the last few months. He went to his school prom (and after prom in someone's enormous garden) a couple of weeks ago. He had a couple of beers and came back at 2.30am very smiley. In the morning he told me what he had drunk, he told me some of his friends had been giggly and not walking straight, he told me that the more sober ones had looked after the tiddly ones by stopping them drinking more.

I think I am realistic about it - this is the age when they start to drink. For myself I think we have a bonkers alcohol culture in this country but I am not teetotal indeed I have a lovely glass of wine on the go right now. He has told me he thinks they will have a few drinks one night as it is someone's birthday. He has also told me that the girl whose family own the flat has said that she is very protective of it and is telling the others they won't be going mad.

OP posts:
Georgethesecond · 18/07/2015 21:44

I have told him he can go. I asked him to contact me twice a day, did he think that was reasonable. Bless him, he told me that what reasonable was whatever it would take to make me let him go and for me to be ok with it!

OP posts:
Mehitabel6 · 18/07/2015 22:18

I don't think that 16 yr olds on an arranged trip, with mobile phones and one of the mothers nearby can be described as 'parents leaving children unsupervised for long periods!!
It would worry me how they would cope in 15 months or so when they are an adult and might announce they are off to Ibiza for a week! ( or having a gap year and are off to Australia with a friend).
It makes much more sense to have done three nights a train journey from home with a mother in the same city for emergencies.
Thank goodness for the Scouts who do similar with 15 yr olds on Dartmoor. ( leaders nearby but not on site).

Mehitabel6 · 18/07/2015 22:20

He sounds very sensible, Georgethesecond. You know your DS. I found mine were very sensible.

auntpetunia · 18/07/2015 22:26

If its any consolation my 16 yr old DS is off to Japan next Saturday for 3 weeks with Scouts! !

Kardamyli · 18/07/2015 22:30

So, nobody on this thread living in a flat and worried that 8 kids are about to move into the flat above them for 3 days? I think the flat owning parents are very irresponsible to allow this. By all means allow whatever you like to happen in a detached house with no near neighbours, but not in a flat. There is bound to be drinking / drugs etc, by some, if not all. The noise will be horrendous.

Spermysextowel · 18/07/2015 22:37

I wouldn't. If something went wrong you'd be judged as irresponsible, which I use as my rule of thumb for saying no.
At the very least I'd make sure I had the address. It's an unlikely scenario, but if you hear of a disaster in the city you'll imagine the worst if you don't even know where he's staying. If he goes missing & you have to tell the police where he was staying it'll help if you know.
Can you tell I'm a cup half full Cassandra type!?

kua · 18/07/2015 22:38

sash exactly what I would be concerned about. The thought process of being in a situation beyond their control.