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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To let DS aged 16 go away for 3 nights with 7 of his friends?

156 replies

Georgethesecond · 18/07/2015 17:19

He wants to get the train to a city in the UK that is far from ours. Maybe three hours drive. It is a mixed group of girls and boys and they have all finished their GCSEs this summer. They will stay in a flat owned by the parents of one of the kids, and the mum will stay with friends nearby - so she will be in the same city but not on the same premises. I don't know exactly how far away she will be, basically she cannot supervise them but she can bail them out if she is called to do so. I don't know her and have only met her once. She will drive half the kids down there, the others will get the train and the travel costs will apparently be shared equally among the kids. (I expect she will pay for the petrol!) DS has enough in his bank account to cover the train and also his food and so on.

None of them has fake ID and I do not think they stand any chance of buying alcohol. Obviously this does not mean that they won't take any with them. I won't give DS any to take. I don't think any of them has ever taken drugs or has any interest in them. I know I can't know this for sure. They are all conscientious high achievers heading for university. They do drink alcohol but obviously are inexperienced as they are so young. I have spoken to DS about drinking, about what too much alcohol looks like, about what to do if someone drinks too much and how you can tell that they have.

DS is talking to me about it and understands that he needs to have a proper plan and why I might have reservations about the trip. He has researched the train fares and I think he would keep in touch by text if he went. He is reasonably practical and used to getting trains around our local area. He is a sensible boy who has never given me cause to doubt him and has never lied to me to my knowledge.

I am leaning towards letting him go. Am I mad? What do I need to talk to him about if I do let him go?

OP posts:
Georgethesecond · 18/07/2015 17:44

Thanks ikea. I think I will do all those.

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 18/07/2015 17:46

Seems like a reasonable step towards independence (which is only 2 years away, after all) to me.

fiorentina · 18/07/2015 17:48

At his age I went away for 5 days with friends camping in Cornwall. We drank and had fun but we were all fine. I am sure I will be nervous for my kids at the same age, but have to trust them..

LaLyra · 18/07/2015 17:49

If your instinct is to let him go then let him go. I'd let my 15 year old go because I know him and what he's like. Do you know his friends? My only reservation would be if there are other kids there you don't know.

If one parent is willing to lend them their flat and your instinct is to let them go they sound like a pretty decent bunch of kids.

Condoms, even if he doesn't think he'd use them. Dangers of alcohol, the importance of calling for help if they need it even if they think they could be in trouble. Being respectful to the neighbours around the flat with noise and away he goes :D

custardismyhamster · 18/07/2015 17:50

I'd let him go. Id also make sure both you and he had the friends mums number stored in your phones. And I'd make it clear to him that ANYTHING he is unhappy or worried about that he is to call you and there will be no telling off, just sensible, reliable help and advice from you.

Georgethesecond · 18/07/2015 17:56

Custard - yes I have repeatedly told both boys to call even if they are somewhere they shouldn't be, or doing something they shouldn't be doing - I will help them or their friends first and talk about the other stuff later.

Do I ask for the address of the flat, does anyone think?

OP posts:
Georgethesecond · 18/07/2015 17:58

I don't know all the kids but I know of them, IYSWIM. DS has been friends with them all for a good few years.

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 18/07/2015 18:01

Yes! get as much information you can lay your hands on.

Selks · 18/07/2015 18:05

Re legal highs or any other drug, it's not just if someone is unresponsive, it's if they look unwell at all - sweating, too hot, breathing problems, saying they don't feel well, anything at all really...just call an ambulance.
Have you had a look on the Frank website?

I would let him go. Tasting independence in small steps is better than having it all in one go at 18.

PiratePanda · 18/07/2015 18:06

I was allowed to do this for the first (and last) time when I was 16; my dad drove me and my friend there and it was meant only to be overnight. Generally, it was, in fact, a very mild party - beer, no sex I don't think.

My friend died in my arms of a drug overdose. His brother had to drive us to the hospital where the staff tried in vain to revive him, and then to get his mother. I will never, ever forget how she screamed.

4EverScottish · 18/07/2015 18:08

I'd let him go as well. My DS has just been on a day camping trip with a mixed group of 16 year olds and had a great time.

SueDunome · 18/07/2015 18:09

Yes, I'd let him go, he's got to learn independence somehow and they all sound quite sensible.

ds is 17, went to Glastonbury after GCSEs and survived unscathed.

I'd give him condoms and limited alcohol. They're going for an end of year party and they're nearly adults. In another year, they'll be off on their own to Uni Open Days, possibly staying over to ensure they arrive on time. It will soon become normality.

It's hard, but wonderful at the same time, to see them growing up.

Theycallmemellowjello · 18/07/2015 18:14

I did something similar to this at age 16. I'm actually surprised to see the op would even think about not allowing it - but then again I don't have kids anywhere near that age myself so what do I know?!

PoppyFleur · 18/07/2015 18:15

I would let him go.

My parents let me go away with my friends at that age, I was a fairly sensible teen and I was so appreciative of the trust my parents showed in me that I would never have let them down.

I would ask him to stay in touch by text and to call if there are any problems.

Kardamyli · 18/07/2015 18:18

Do you think the neighbours of the flat they are going to will be happy? I would be less than impressed if I lived in a block of flats and one of my neighbours let 8 or 10 unsupervised 16 year olds stay for even one night. The noise will be horrific, even if they aren't drinking.

TendonQueen · 18/07/2015 18:23

If he insists he doesn't need condoms, I'd tell him to take them anyway as someone else might and better he can give one to a friend than that they go ahead without any.

I think it sounds well thought-out and I'd let him go no problems. You can't plan for every 'what if..', you can only say 'use your best judgement, ring me if you really need help, ring the police if something urgent'. They'll be fine, I bet.

MeanwhileHighAboveTheField · 18/07/2015 18:40

PiratePanda, that is awful :(

I have a 16 year old and would let him go. A friend and I went to Rome for a few days at that age. That was fun :D

Georgethesecond · 18/07/2015 18:43

So sorry to hear that pirate. What had your friend taken? Did you know?

OP posts:
Mehitabel6 · 18/07/2015 18:45

If they fall out, or don't like it, they are only a few hours from home and can come back.

larant · 18/07/2015 18:52

I went away for a week camping with a friend at 16. Our trip was actually very tame. But I have worked with 16 year olds, and known 16 year olds who live away from home. So I would be surprised if a 16 year old couldn't manage a trip away with friends.

DoesItReallyMatter · 18/07/2015 18:56

Pirate. That is so sad. Thanks

OP. I'd let him go without any thought. It sounds like a good arrangement. It's not too long and sounds like it will work out cheaply.

I give him a box of condoms and I'd have a proper talk about preventing pregnancy if you haven't already.

There is nothing wrong with asking for the address but I can't see how it would help. I'd prefer to get the numbers of a couple of his mates and the number of the mum.

Can he get himself a prepaid bank card like the ones the Post Office issue. Then, if it gets lost its not too much of a problem.

I'd leave all the arrangement and packing to him. It's good experience.

Georgethesecond · 18/07/2015 19:00

Yes of course. He's going away with his dad on Monday. He can pack for that too! Good thinking

OP posts:
BarbarianMum · 18/07/2015 19:29

Pirate that's awful Sad but you don't have to go away from home to OD - you can do it right in your own bedroom.

seaweed123 · 18/07/2015 19:51

I left home and moved that distance from my parents at 16. So I want to say yabu to even think you get to decide for him. But I'll probably be exactly the same with my pfb.

whois · 18/07/2015 20:34

I think you should let him. Sounds like a good level of independence and fun whilst having some kind of adult near by they can call if the shit does hit the fan.