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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dds friend is doing my bloody head in.

470 replies

Deeperdown · 18/07/2015 09:06

She's on holiday with us, she's used to a hotel with no kids facilities at all, we are on a site with flipping loads of kids stuff Inc for older kids.

She's bored, she's not going to the beach because it's boring, she doesn't want us to go to the entertainment or the activities because they are boring.
Basically they are boring because all she wants to do is waste all her money in the arcades.

I'm putting my foot down and telling them we are going out but we've had one evening and I'm pissed off already. They are both 12.

OP posts:
CamelHump · 19/07/2015 19:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Marynary · 19/07/2015 19:05

marynary have my 2nd odfod and my relief I'm not dealing with the results of your parenting. Mind i have dealt with some shocking results of parenting over the years.

I'm am also relieved that you have never looked after my children....
As you don't know my children you wouldn't know anything about "the results of my parenting" so that is a pretty stupid comment.

Marynary · 19/07/2015 19:07

OP does not have to CONTINUE to have responsiblity for the girl. The 12 year old who is behaving like she is 6. OP has no legal relationship with her and can end the informal arrangement at any point. It is up to the mother to start acting like a parent and take responsiblity for her badly behaved daughter.

No but she has to give her back to her mother or other responsible adult...

Marynary · 19/07/2015 19:12

You were the person who said that other posters did not have teens if they thought at 12 year old could safely travel alone on a train.

No I did not say that a 12 year could not travel alone by train.

girliefriend · 19/07/2015 19:13

Deeper you have my sympathies this sounds like my idea of hell Sad if I found out my dd had behaved like that I would be mortified. However I would hope that i have bought my dd up to have better manners

I would tell her what the expectations are for the rest of the holiday and what will happen if you hear the words "I don't want to' or 'its boring' - obviously think up some suitable consequence (washing up/misses swimming/going to bed at 8pm etc) then stick to it. Hopefully her attitude would change pronto.

LavenderLeigh · 19/07/2015 19:13

No, the responsible adult could meet her at the station.
She is 12, not a toddler who needs her hand held until she meets mummy.

sadwidow28 · 19/07/2015 19:15

Metacentric

I don't want to derail the thread by arguing. But I can assure you that in 2006 my DN (aged 13.9 yrs old) was NOT allowed to collect a ticket I had paid for to get him from NE to NW to visit his dad (my DB who was ill and I was looking after him).

He HAD travelled twice before on National Coach, but his Mum was given the money to buy the ticket. Perhaps it was that I was I was paying for ticket on my debit card and we have different surnames. (I use my married name)

I have said that I was recollecting that incident and perhaps things have changed.

merrymouse · 19/07/2015 19:16

I agree with Mary. However awful a 12 year old may be and however easy it may be to suggest on-line that you can force a parent's hand and dump their child on a train, in real life you can't send a 12 year old home to an empty house.

Marynary · 19/07/2015 19:19

LavenderLeigh I reiterate, not all 12 years old have been on a train before. Not all would know/be able to work out what they were doing. It depends on the child and it would not be appropriate to put someone elses 12 year old a train without an adult without the parent's permission.

merrymouse · 19/07/2015 19:20

Although I do sympathise with the OP and agree that morally she has every right to send the child home by whatever means - it's just that in practice she is responsible for the girl until she has been handed over to another adult, however unfair that may be.

LavenderLeigh · 19/07/2015 19:23

mary what you said was

"My guess is you haven,t got children or only have very young one if you think it is okay to dump a 12 year old on a train after you have offered to take them on holiday and look after them"

Which certainly implies you have an issue with a 12 year old being put on a train and being met at the other end.

Why would you post unless you thought a 12 year old can travel alone by train?

And why do you think a 12 year old is incapable of sitting on a train seat?

Metacentric · 19/07/2015 19:28

Perhaps it was that I was I was paying for ticket on my debit card and we have different surnames. (I use my married name)

That's much more likely to be the case. There is absolutely no way that a fourteen year old would be challenged travelling on UK public transport solely by virtue of their age. Every day, tens of thousands of children travel to school.

LavenderLeigh · 19/07/2015 19:29

And I re-iterate 11 year old DD had not travelled by train before she went all the way up to Aberdeen and was perfectly fine.

You seem determined to read something sinister into train journeys or make out that there is something difficult about the act of sitting on a train seat. Not sure why.

I've said all along that the mother should have a choice of picking up her daughter or meeting her off the train.

It would not be appropriate for the mother to not make suitable arrangements for her daughter and to make these timeously so that OP and her family do not have any more of their holiday ruined. Her child - her responsiblity and she cannot shuffle it off onto anyone else.

Original poster
Deeperdown · 19/07/2015 19:32

Just to say to those saying this holiday is their idea of hell, it's mine too. This kid has been to this very site before, has been to other sites I.e butlins and pontins before so knew what to expect!

They've just invited my dd to butlins for a week but dd has quite rightly said no way.

OP posts:
Marynary · 19/07/2015 19:34

Why would you post unless you thought a 12 year old can travel alone by train?

I would post that because I don't think that all 12 year old would be alright on a train. It depends on the child and their previous experience and it would not be appropriate to dump someone else's 12 year old on a train without the parents agreement especially as it seems there may not be anyone to meet them at the other end.

merrymouse · 19/07/2015 19:43

Her child - her responsiblity and she cannot shuffle it off onto anyone else.

The problem is that practically she can, whether the someone else is the OP or social services.

merrymouse · 19/07/2015 19:45

I suppose the OP could put the girl on the train and alert social service, but I'm not sure that that would lead to a calm rest of the holiday.

SilverNightFairy · 19/07/2015 19:49

Op, I am so sorry this young girl continues to be a misery. Something has clearly gone wrong in her upbringing. Not a snowball's chance in hell any child of mine, or any decently raised child would behave in such an appalling manner. I think the idea of using the £300 to hire a nanny is brilliant. You and your family can go about your vacation and Miss Misery can stay back at the caravan and sulk into her Cheerios.

WayneRooneysHair · 19/07/2015 19:51

You can't just put a 12 year old on a train for what could quite possibly be a journey with changes, even if someone was waiting at the other end because if something went wrong you'd be in the shit.

And why the hell would anyone suggest the OP could alert Social Services?

merrymouse · 19/07/2015 19:56

I wasn't serious - I was just taking the idea that you could put a 12 year old on a train to its logical conclusion - you can't do it unless you know somebody is at the other end to pick them up.

WayneRooneysHair · 19/07/2015 19:58

Sorry merrymouse my sarcasm meter is broken Grin

MayPolist · 19/07/2015 20:30

I think staying in the tiny confines of a caravan with somebody else's family and grandparent is a very very full on experience which would completely overwhelm many children.Especially as it sounds as though she is struggling with homesickness a bit
(I am a bit confused when you say in your OP that the girl is used to staying in a hotel with no facilities, and then you go on to make her out to be a Pontins/Butlins aficionado)
This kind of holiday is fun for little kids but mine would have found it pretty cringey and offputting by 12.
I think it was a bit naive to expect this little girl to slot right into it.
ShockAt the posters who think you can put a 12 yr old, especially someone else's, on a 'several hour' train journey when their mum is on holiday.

Garlick · 19/07/2015 20:32

Nectar - going by your anecdotes, these particular kids don't like passive entertainment. They enjoyed bowling, not watching stuff. And 14 is too young to know how to self-entertain in a 'polite' environment like a restaurant.

Don't stick them on a park bench: take them go-karting, skateboarding, paintballing, laser fighting (forgotten what that thing's called, thank god I have no kids to entertain these days), or indeed bowling!

Deeper, does this girl read? Or did she bring her game device? During my 'bored' year I stuck my head in a book most of the time. These days I'm always on the laptop, so I haven't changed as much as I'd like to think Blush

Original poster
Deeperdown · 19/07/2015 21:10

maypolist what I meant is they are used to staying in a hotel style holiday apartment with few facilities

BUT

They have been on Butlins and pontins before and have actually been on this site before . Not a regular occurrence but I was trying to say that they had been on a site before so did know what to expect from the place.

OP posts:
fiddlybulb · 19/07/2015 21:19

I've got a 12yo. He's quite moody and would possibly not be an absolute dream if sent on holiday with another family (which is why I wouldn't do it). He's never been on a train on his own (he cycles to school) and might well be a bit freaked out if he was suddenly dumped on an intercity for several hours.

I'm sorry this girl is affecting your holiday OP - well done on being so patient with her.

Some of the competitive four-Yorkshireman-style performative toughness on here ('if a child did that to me I'd break her legs and fire her into outer space and tell her mum to get her from there!') comes across as quite mean and frankly a bit incredible. Who knows what this girl is feeling? 12 can be quite emotionally young for some kids.