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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dds friend is doing my bloody head in.

470 replies

Deeperdown · 18/07/2015 09:06

She's on holiday with us, she's used to a hotel with no kids facilities at all, we are on a site with flipping loads of kids stuff Inc for older kids.

She's bored, she's not going to the beach because it's boring, she doesn't want us to go to the entertainment or the activities because they are boring.
Basically they are boring because all she wants to do is waste all her money in the arcades.

I'm putting my foot down and telling them we are going out but we've had one evening and I'm pissed off already. They are both 12.

OP posts:
Original poster
Deeperdown · 20/07/2015 23:16

and I Will also point out several of the activities booked where booked before arrival on an activity pass so the child chose activities before she came after being given the option not too.

Anyway thanks for advice and suggestions. I accept I am unreasonable for bring a child who asked to come on a holiday with a child they knew and a holiday place they had been to.

Thanks everyone.
I shall go and live out the next four days and never again.

OP posts:
cuntycowfacemonkey · 20/07/2015 23:21

Oh well in that case I will let my children know they can behave like little shits when faced with spending time with other children with SN Hmm

If she was being unusually quiet and withdrawn then I would possibly agree with you but actively being a spoilt little brat - nope sorry not buying that.

I hate the way some people on this forum fall over themselves to excuse bad behaviour. Sometimes bad behaviour is just that.

cuntycowfacemonkey · 20/07/2015 23:26

Yes madam and can also include behaviour, ability to socialise, ability to concentrate and understand things, physical needs or impairments. It's a rather cover all phrase commonly used (especially on MN) to give enough info to say that a child has additional needs without going into the specifics.

I'm fairly certain you didn't read the post when the OP said her DD has SEN and think "Oh she probably means dyslexia"

Hellionsitem2 · 20/07/2015 23:28

You mentioned DD's SEN early on. I think lots of children are totally fine with an age gap. My children play in mixed age groups regularly. They would give thier right arm to do the activities you mentioned. They would be greatfull!

outtolunchagain · 20/07/2015 23:36

Actually I have a child who has additional needs and is about 3 years developmentally delayed and that is exactly what I thought the OP meant . SEN to me would be dyslexia / dyscalculia etc

OP , I think that there are several different possibilities here , one is unfortunately that you are getting a window into this child's relationship with yours and it's not pretty . Possibly as the youngest in her own family she is looking for someone else to dominate .Hmm

Another is that she is being a bratty tween who needs a good telling off . Possibly you are also treating her in the same way as your own developmentally delayed dd , if you only have one then it can be a big catch up to suddenly jump
In with a hormonal spoilt teen.Hmm

Talking of hormones it does also occur to me that she has PMT , have her periods started , is she anxious about it starting whilst she is doing an activity and is covering up by complaining she is bored .12 year old girls can behave very oddly about some things

cuntycowfacemonkey · 20/07/2015 23:41

It might be what it means to you but that doesn't mean that is what it actually means. The term SEN covers more than dyslexia/dyscalculia. I cannot quite understand in the context of this thread why the OP would have brought up her child having dyslexia if that is what she meant? It doesn't make sense

"Am on holiday with my dd who has dyslexia and her friend is being a pain in the arse" Confused

WankerDeAsalWipe · 20/07/2015 23:41

Some teens or 12 year olds might not want to do activities and hang out with others in the park. Mine don't and they aren't the only ones. My teenagers are happy doing the activities that OP has listed. Loads of 12 year olds have younger siblings that they do family activities with. The guest child is usually happy to hang out with OPs daughter. It could be that puberty has just kicked in big time in the last few weeks and child has suddenly turned into a surley teen. That might not be anyone's fault. I think making the best of it is the only way to go now. I do think you need to tell her to straighten her face and stop being rude but other than that I think you're doing what you can to allow everyone to get some enjoyment.

WankerDeAsalWipe · 20/07/2015 23:43

I mean that my teens don't want to hang about in the park, they'd rather be doing activities.

AlfAlf · 20/07/2015 23:47

Oh FFS Madam, SEN can include dyspraxia, autism, ADHD.. Don't blame the op for your own ignorance.

Deeper, friend has behaved appallingly. It's no excuse, but 12 is a very awkward age; my own little darling dd1 was a right pita at that age, and almost ruined a family holiday when she was 13. It wasn't as bad obviously - at least she was all my own work - but God, dhand I were at the end of our tether with her maiming! and 'boredom', and not wanting to do bloody well anything!
This year we brought her friend, both now 15. They were fine, especially the friend. I wonder though if the same lovely friend would have been a massive pita a few years ago.. Probably! I cringe at the thought of someone else having to cope with my dd's crap a few years ago too. She was a horror.

I hope freedom gets her act together, and you all enjoy the rest of the holiday. I'm also sorry to hear about your mum's recent health problems; I think you ought mention this to friend if another word is needed. Your mum deserves to have a nice time, and not be insulted or treated rudely.

AlfAlf · 20/07/2015 23:49

Maiming?!! Moaning, bastard iPad!

CassieBearRawr · 21/07/2015 00:07

Of course it doesn't excuse her behaviour in the slightest but it does put a different slant on things. I didn't even catch the SEN reference initially - have just gone back through your posts on this thread and I see it mentioned once right at the beginning in the middle of about a million posters talking about sending her back on a train. I suspect others missed the reference too.

At this point I'd be concerned that this behaviour is reflective of her general relationship with your daughter - perhaps if she's used to getting her own way in the friendship by being very dominant/bullying then this holiday with you not allowing that has been a shock to her and she's acting out.

cuntycowfacemonkey · 21/07/2015 00:25

I agree that it would certainly shine a light on the type of friendship they have at school and that would concern me.

Garlick · 21/07/2015 00:25

I'm really impressed by the activities!

Deeper, it doesn't sound as if you're doing anything wrong AT ALL and it does sounds as if the friend's normally a nice girl.

Therefore something's up with her. PMT/period was a brilliant call, imo - I keep forgetting how young most girls hit puberty! Otherwise, it might be bravado over missing her mum, Terrible Distress over not seeing a boy she fancies, or sudden hormonal onset (I remember it never hits gradually.)

If you can't fish out a cause and help, then I agree the decent thing is to stick it out with as much equilibrium as you can muster. You're not doing anything wrong!

fiddlybulb · 21/07/2015 06:22

Lol maiming alfalf. Now THAT would be a bad holiday...

Chin up, OP. Only another three or four days and then this will start to become a hilarious story you can tell people about a disastrous vacation.

Agree that a quiet chat with your dd might be in order, to find out whether her friend treats her nicely at school, but you've probably already thought of that.

Brew
Athenaviolet · 21/07/2015 07:18

Why is a non-sn child hanging out in a sn room every break and lunchtime with a child 5 years developmentally apart?

This rings huge alarm bells for me. Did no one (school/either set of parents) think this was peculiar?

I think this girl may have underlying issues-maybe hormonal but maybe something else. Yes her behaviour has been dreadful but I'd like to understand why.

TwartFaceBeetj · 21/07/2015 07:52

Op, do you go to all the activities with them? Could it be that your dds friend is feeling over mothered. If she has to older siblings, she may be use to having free rain. You mentioned a couple of times at the beginning that when you left them at the café you came back and they were smiling and laughing, another time you came back and found the running about.

Maybe she is at that very awkward age and feels self-conscious when you and your mum are there. (I'm not excusing her behaviour) But would she be any better if you and your mum wave them off to an activity in a morning from your caravan? Then you and your mum have some time together at the café or something?

LIZS · 21/07/2015 08:08

Ah , so where are her siblings this week if mum is away. Together, having fun ? If she has a phone could they be texting her and winding her up? It does explain why she wants to hang around with slightly older kids but she needs to accept that she can't just dump your dd to do so. Hanging out at school for an hour or so is very different to socialising 24:7. They probably won't be friends for long after this, it sounds as if she may have outgrown the friendship.

FurtherSupport · 21/07/2015 08:16

This is Pontins, where everything's included in the price and you get all those activities?

Remind me again why Centerparcs is always fully booked? Grin

FurtherSupport · 21/07/2015 08:20

My Ds has lots of friends with SN. His favourite friend since they were tiny has a severe speech problem and dyspraxia - now at 14yo I have to listen incredibly hard to understand him, but DS1 has never had any difficulty at all.

He has a number of friends with varying degrees of ASD - he gets that people are different and that it's good to be kind/friendly to all of them. This is a good trait in the badly behaved girl.

Although I agree, if there are no NT friends there could be a problem.

ClashCityRocker · 21/07/2015 08:23

I wonder if she's used to bossing your dd around and having her as an accomplice - is your Dd easily manipulated?

I doubt she has the awareness to think of your dd as five years younger than her developmentally - she maybe just thinks she's a bit on the immature side. I know when we were at school, we were quite ignorant about SEN and just thought most of them struggled with the academical side of things, but there were plenty of crossover friendships.

The activities sound great btw, and Deffo not babyish...in fact they would have probably been enough to encourage me and my pal away from eyeing up the Geordie boys stopping in the caravan three pitches down and join in Grin

I also wonder if her mum has thought 'great, dd12 is away for the week, I'll go off on my jollies too with the other two' and she's feeling left out of her family holiday?

I totally get why you feel you can't send her home - I suspect it would be WWlll for your dd at school if you did so, and may distress your dd further.

I think I would carry on as you are - encourage the activities, but give the other girl space to do her own thing. I would maybe ban her from using the word 'boring' though!

MadamArcatiAgain · 21/07/2015 08:27

I second the poster who said you were 'smothering'. Why are you staying at every activity with them? Can't you just sign them in and then go?

Sallystyle · 21/07/2015 08:29

OP I would do the same as you.

In the real world most people wouldn't send her on a train herself not knowing whether someone will meet her or turn up or how she will deal with the train ride. Not all 12 years old have travelled alone.

Neither would many people take her £300 to hire a nanny or send her i a taxi to another relative who isn't responsible for her.

It's horrible that you are having to deal with this but like you said, you agreed to take her and she is your responsibility for the week and with the mum away there isn't much you can do about it now.

I hope the rest of the week goes more smoothly.

pictish · 21/07/2015 08:37

I agree UK I've been reading some of the replies and chuckling to myself. All this put her on a train/spend her £300 on a taxi/insist her aunt comes to pick her up immediately...it's very easy telling other people what to do when you don't have to do it yourself. Wink

The reality is OP is stuck with the whinging madam until it's time to go home.

This week will go down in family lore as "remember the time we took Xxxx to Pontins?"

fiddlybulb · 21/07/2015 08:56

Mn is fantastic for practical advice, but I think sometimes we collectively make a category error in offering advice when all the op wanted was tea and sympathy. In this case the op's between a rock and a hard place and just wants a bloody good moan - and she's entitled to one after having her holiday ruined. Plus I think she's a single parent and her mum is ill, which means she doesn't have a DP/DH/another adult she can turn to at the end of the day to let off steam.

Marynary · 21/07/2015 08:56

It sounds like you are doing a great job OP. Many of the suggestions on here are over dramatic and I wonder if the posters would actually behave like that in real life. Not only would it be really irresponsible to send a child off on a train or use their money for a taxi to send them home but it would probably really upset your dd and certainly it could make life very difficult for her when she gets back to school.
I think that it might help if you don't stay with your DD and her friend for activities (if you are comfortable doing that). Hopefully the rest of the work will be better.