Parents who tell other people's kids to "be careful"

[PurpleSweets]

At playgrounds, parent/toddler groups or various events there always seems to be someone who insists on constantly shouting "be careful" at every opportunity.

I'm watching what my kids doing and have assessed the risks of whatever is happening I get incredibly annoyed when some random woman starts telling my child to be careful.

If I allow my son to splash in puddles, stand on rocks, go near stinging nettles etc. I don't expect other parents to try to over-rule my decision about what is or is not safe or deliberately try to provoke anxiety about minor risks.

Honestly, how would you react if you heard someone saying "stop that!" to your child? I don't think I'd be very happy with someone talking so aggressively to mine! Personally I would prefer someone to be a bit more tactful, while still giving me the opportunity to intervene as necessary if it was my child causing the problem. Each to their own I guess. You treat others as you would prefer to be treated and you can't know until it's done whether you took the right approach or not.

If the child is endangering another, then a brusque manner is required, if they're not endangering another, then you don't need to tell them to be careful.

But "Be careful" is not a warning that you are about to hurt another person, it's a warning that you're about to hurt yourself.

fred it isn't - adults say it to other adults, it means "watch what you're doing!"

It's in the tone and it does work - it just reminds kuds somebody is looking. It's the same as saying their name in "that" tone, they know it means - I see what you're doing and you know why I'm pulling you up very briefly - no need for a long winded lecture on why it's a bad idea to leap off the 8 foot high walls of the bouncy castle into a sea of 18 month olds and 2 year olds (clearly it's not the 8 year old whose personal safety is a concern), as you say, kids are not stupid, they know what that word or two is reminding them about!

No matter how super your parenting is, there's plenty of parents who have their nose in a phone or are deep in gossip and aren't paying the slightest bit of attention to their kids, except maybe to yell at them when they annoy them. Meantime their kids are climbing up a busy slide the wrong way, pushing a smaller child around or whatever and generally being far from careful.

My friend was watching my DD whilst I brought the pushchair over from about 20m away. In that time my DD tried to climb up something I know she can climb successfully but is advanced for her age. My friend picked her off and put her on the floor. I appreciated her looking out for her even though she was over cautious as she cared enough to keep her safe. When I watch others looking out for my DD when I'm looking from a distance I appreciate the extra pair of eyes. I would say 'be careful' both to warn the child and alert the parent.

When other people's children act inappropriately with my child I say, "please don't do that because of X" if they keep doing it I ask the child to stop without saying please, if it caries on I remove my child.

There was a child in doctors not playing nicely and snatching everything off my DD as soon as she touched it. When she tried to grab something off my DD, I finally just said "No, she was playing with that first, you can play with something else, do not take that off her." Her mother was five feet away and couldn't be bothered by any of it. This little girl was horrible, always screeching "Mine!" and she was at least six and my DD was only a tiny 2 year old.

If my DD was acting that way that child was and someone said what I said to that child, I would apologize to the child and the mother/father and then have a talk with my child.

Oh god I bet your one of those free range let my children roam free parents. Poor kids its called parenting because you are an older adult who is supposed to be watching and supervising your child and making sure no irriversable harm comes to your children or any of the playmates they encounter along the way. I saw a kid deliberatly trying to drive his scooter at other chcildren over and over again so yes I said to be careful someone was gonna get hurt when he continued to drive it into soms legs I called him a little brat then finally his mum made herself known to me did she tell her child off for driving his scooter deliverately at other kids and cheeking an adult no she told me to not call her child a brat and that she would put my teeth down my throat, nice. So now no I dont say be careful to kids like that or even chastize them i just quitely menacingingly tell them that someones gonna get hurt and it isnt gonna be any of the children under my supervision or myself so have a guess who it might be!! And if i see a child in danger yes Im gonna help them.rather than just say 'Be careful' so sue me for caring.

You should be ashamed at that post beatnik. You go round threatening and bullying small children with violence.

Read the flipping research.

There's no way my children are free range, or badly behaved. They are very well behaved, had glowing school reports and haven't been in trouble at all this year.

I do however let the explore the world without wrapping them in bubble wrap.

I would rather tell a child to Be Careful and risk undermining their confidence (for one instance. Really?) than watch them have an accident.

So sue me.

OP

I think that if you were totally comfortable with your approach to risk, you would not feel so defensive when this happens.

Has this thread made you think that people's motivations aren't perhaps what you think they are?

Like lots of other posters, when I say 'be careful' to a random child, it is usually because I can see that said child is about to hurt a smaller child by accident. I actually don't care that much if it hurts itself in some minor way, but I do care if it steps on a baby who can't get out of the way/breaks another child's toy/hits someone else in the head because it hasn't noticed that anyone else is there. I think a bit more be carefulling by parents who aren't watching would remove the need for other random adults to say this kind of stuff. It's about manners really - is your behaviour inconveniencing or hurting other people? Yes? Then stop it. Be careful is the nicest way to say it.

And also, other people butting in to help my children or do something for them when I'm deliberately choosing to let them be independent.
^
This X a million too.

And also, other people butting in to help my children or do something for them when I'm deliberately choosing to let them be independent.

We do this, just not with an audience! so in the garden, or when the park is empty or in the woods. If my DCs look like they are doing things that will attract a 'be careful' from someone, then they probably will. So what? I'd rather live in a place where people gave a shit, however irritating some people might find it.

Rabbit

What the heck does it matter if a passing stranger does something you deem to be undermining in the spirit if trying to help? Will it forever damage your child?

spirit of

It's irritating. It's nice when a child wants to do things for themselves. Lots of kids feel all pumped up about little bits of helpfulness they can give or things they can do for themselves, they like to feel useful even if it would be easier to do something yourself than wait for them to do it.
Why should the desire of someone else to feel they rescued a situation for a helpless child over ride the desire of a kid to practice their own skills (btw not so much thinking about complete strangers that would annoy me more) its a situation I have came across a lot johnydory's comment made me think of a lot of instances where children in my care (as well as my own) have been given the message they are less capable than they are when I'm trying to give them a good self image.
I think it boils me up because my Mum was very stifling she has a weird ott thing about babies and I was her youngest so needed to fullfill her need to have a 'little one' I had no confidence, fewer life skills than my friends and it effects my parenting I refuse to leave my child behind he's age on things he is clearly ready for. I don't see her often (shes not horrible just needs to be the grown up over someone) but when she is at mine I spend the majority of my time saying 'leave him, hes not thick mother' 'let him do it he always does that when your not here'
Piss take all you like but it does undermine confidence and in my nannying career I have cared for 2 children now who have been saddled with the 'little one' identity and nothing is more rewarding than seeing them emerge from it when the baby tantrums, which mean something to their parents are ignored and little jobs are given out so there is some genuine reason to thank and praise them its weird how much even older sibs are taught to have no confidence in them and even 7 and 8 year old siblings try to take over when the 4 year old 'baby' is asked to head count and set a place for each person at the table or prepare their own paint pots I've been told a thousand times a day by older sibs 'she can't do that' 'she might drop it, mummy does it for her'

WOW there is some serious overthinking on this thread.

And next time my DS is on duty and sees a child floundering in the deepend, shall i tell him to leave her there as the Parent has assessed the risk and its ok. Or when he has assessed a child's swimming ability before a pool party and told a child not to go past a particular point on the bouncy castle, only for the parent to override him and and ds has to go into rescue him because he has gone under, should he ignore in future as the parent has assessed the risk.

Some parents are ok at assessing risks, some are not hence children ending up in A&E. I am not risk averse, my dc did plenty of climbing, even white water kayaking despite my cousin dying in a boating accindent, but someone else keeping an eye out for kids is a good thing, not something that should be projected about.

How about the occasions where they say 'Be careful swinging on the climbing frame (as you are about to kick that smaller child in the face)' 'Be careful with the water gun (I don't want my sleeping baby, in a pram, squirted).' I do it. It's not over riding your decision to let you kid be independent. It's protecting mine from other children's activity that the parents may not have noticed without wading in all guns blazing.

Exactly MERLY - lots of us keep saying this - "be careful" is non confrontational code for "watch what you're doing" - its quicker and and more likely to be listened to by a child in motion than a 3 sentence gentle request to alter behaviour with age appropriate explanation of why its putting others at risk/ inconvenience, and less confrontational and likely to cause parental come back than telling somebody else's child off or instructing them to "stop it".

Perhaps we should just say "OY!" to avoid undermining confidence of the kids splashing everyone with muddy water/ shoving others out of the way on a high up climbing structure/ just about to leap off something high onto other kids etc. etc.

People do say "Be careful" to express their anxiety about what somebody else is doing too - but when speaking to a small child in a playground I'd bet its uttered multiple times more frequently to pull a child up short from hurting or inconveniencing others than themselves.

I can't stand this. I was always watching my children when they were small. Ds was a whizz on his balance bike by 2, therefore I taught him to stop at the road,I lost count of the number of "helpful" individuals who chased after him (he was fast) and then berated me for not doing the same(he was never out of my sight) "he could have gone straight in to the road" they'd say."he knows to stop" I'd say, "see how he stopped and waited?". Similarly he could climb the highest frame in the park aged 3, I never told him to be careful and that was a conscious choice. Children are naturally good at not climbing higher than they can get down from.They need encouragement -not restriction.

I actually agree with the OP, as she clearly is not talking about running out towards traffic, or hurting other children or anything dangerous. I don't know how many times when I have been watching my kids happily climb the frames at parks and over anxious parents standing two millimeters away from their own child micromanaging them, and again and again telling them to be careful, don't fall, don't climb to high. I just think it totally will undermine the child's confidence and they will never climb that frame, due to them knowing it's far too dangerous...

If I saw a toddler happily splash in a puddle with their parents consent, I would remove myself or my child from the puddle if I didn't want me or my child to be splashed, I wouldn't tell the child in the puddle to be careful. That is just weird

Some one once told my ds to be careful because he was enjoying himself to much splashing in a puddle. He was behind me and I didnt notice. I didnt think it was weird, I felt a bit embarrassed that I hadnt noticed, but it didnt bother me that someone told him to be careful.

I think whether moving or saying something is weird when somebody else's kid is splashing you depends on the context Yoko - if I'm sitting on a bench and somebody else's kid jumps in a puddle in front of me, splashing me, I'll raise my eyebrows and say "be careful" in a "watch it" sense, why should I move? Puddle jumping is great, not paying attention to who you're covering in muddy water isn't.

This is completely contextual so it's difficult to discuss reasonably online without everyone having seen scenario.

There is a massive difference between busy bodies and people who genuinely care. I've been in the park when there has been a parent sitting down in the sun with her phone out whilst her son was jumping from rock to rock along the canal so yes I said be careful that probably isn't a good idea by yourself. The boy did trip and a young teenager caught him.

On the other hand I have had people take my daughter off the slide she was climbing because they thought she was too small, when in actual fact she climbs it very well and I know she is safe. I asked them not to do it as I was the parent and I was close by. It's annoying that some people can't help themselves. There are all different types of parenting styles I would never intervene unless someone was putting my child in harm, or if I could see another child was in danger.