Parents who tell other people's kids to "be careful"

[PurpleSweets]

At playgrounds, parent/toddler groups or various events there always seems to be someone who insists on constantly shouting "be careful" at every opportunity.

I'm watching what my kids doing and have assessed the risks of whatever is happening I get incredibly annoyed when some random woman starts telling my child to be careful.

If I allow my son to splash in puddles, stand on rocks, go near stinging nettles etc. I don't expect other parents to try to over-rule my decision about what is or is not safe or deliberately try to provoke anxiety about minor risks.

Splitting my sides at the statement that children are good at assessing risk...what a load of bollocks!

I say "be careful" quite a lot. To my own DD and other people's DC. When I've said it to others it's normally because they're doing something that's putting my DD in danger and their parents aren't doing anything about it. If they don't like it, they can speak up, but they won't like my response.

Yes, I'm talking to you, arsy mother at the doctors whose little darling proceeded to bowl over a poor woman carrying her new born

Not only do I say it, but I've been known to grab kids who are in danger - usually running too close to the swings and about to get kicked in the head

I appreciate when other people warn my child to be careful, sometimes when I'm busy dealing with his younger sibling I don't always see everything. My friends/family also have my permission to 'get him told' if he does something he shouldn't and I've not seen. We are parents not superheroes. There was a little girl who got stuck (a little nervous) on the climbing frame a few days ago at my sons nursery..her mum was speaking to their teacher and hadn't seen. I was stood close and and told the girl to go steady before I asked if she needed a hand down. In no way was my actions meant to be mean or derogatory...I came as a kind hearted, concerned mum who didn't want to see a small child hurt or scared. I'd take some comfort in knowing another adult wouldn't hesitate to help or advise my child in that situation. Why is everyone so tetchy! Xx

I have also been known to say it to another child but only when my DCs were very small and were about to be knocked over by an older kid on a scooter or something not looking where they were going.

My granny does this.

She is the official bouncy castle police and stands there telling them basically not to have any fun at all. It's embarrassing.

XP used to follow DC around chanting "be careful" as some kind of mantra. It was hilarious - we had long discussions at how pointless what he was saying all the time was. And "be careful" of what? The world?

He had grown out of it by the time DC2 came along.

OP YABU.

I think some people are just very risk adverse, but then some people just have more experience. One of my lovely swimming teachers says she cant relax in a swimming pool anymore because she is noticing all the dangers.

Also where does it stop if you object to other people keeping an eye out for your child.
My ds is a lifeguard, he came on duty one day and was told to keep an eye on a child who was in the pool with her brother but mother was dressed on the side. This child was not a competent swimmer and started jumping in the deep end. DS told her not to go past the red line. A few minutes later an irate mother came over and had a go at him because he should have came and found her first, as it was not up to him to decide where her dd went in the pool.
This mother obviously had no judgement what was safe and was putting other people at risk as ds was having to concentrate on her dd and was expected to waste his time trying to find her.

The part of the brain that assesses risk and consequences is the very last part to develop, and does not mature until you're about 20. Which is the scientific reason that even in their late teens some people can be inconsiderate idiots

rethinkingchildhood.com/no-fear/ Tim Gill blog worth a read for all the involountary 'be careful' mutterers. I am involved in the play sector, and right now the thrust of our work is getting parents to understand their children's own risk assessing ability. Can a toddler assess roadside safety? No, but that was not the point of original post.

Children that are allowed to play freely, with an absolute minimum of adult intervention have more confidence, better mental health, and are more able to deal with adversity as adults. This is what the previous poster meant by 'undermining the child's confidence.' If we show children that we don't trust them, how can they have confidence to trust themselves. The point about this being more of a problem for girls is prescient, and chimes with current feminist debates about why women are not as likely to put themselves forward for promotion etc.

Our play service has moved to a risk benefit analysis system, where our young children (4s and up) are encouraged with offerings of risky play opportunity (Trees to climb, mud slides, river play, tool use, fire, biking, racing carts etc) in anticipation of benefits to that child. This has been a difficult time for our service, and some playworkers have left - as they can't bear the unstructured nature of our playtime, disagree with the ethos, or just find it boring work - they are by and large quiet observers. (The best playworkers join in to a certain extent, modelling free play. We get some children who join up unable to play withput being told what to do.)

Our playworkers assess risk as the children play, but are trained in non intervention. The best of them leave it until it is unavoidable to stop play. For the most part, they never need to - as children have identified that they are not comfortable and change direction of play. Peer intervention is allowed and encouraged - and brings an interseting dynamic when young girls tell off big boys for showing off. Any adult interventions must be specific, such as 'do not touch that plant - it is poisonous' or 'you are very high in that tree, I can't see any branches that are strong enough for you higher up.' Playworkers do not say 'be careful' or 'watch out' or ask children to be 'safe.'

So perhaps that parent you see at the park 'not interested' is me, you should know that I am interested but that I am not looking because I can't bear to see my child twirling round the bar at the top of the slide, as I can't trust myself to not tell him to 'be careful.' I have assessed likelihood of accident as minimal, and am happy for him to carry on because of the joy and fun it is bringing, alongside the fact that he is testing himself and building confidence and a sense of capability. I am not angry at parents who do intervene, as I get where they are, I raised my oldest two children the same way. Of course, some parents may just be disinterested in general...interestingly their children will have the benefit of increased confidence in their own ability also - although neglect in other areas of their life can make this a toxic combination.

As ever, mumsnetters on both sides of this debate have entenched and are scoffing at each other. This forum would be a much nicer place if we all tried to practice a little more empathy, and judged a hell of a lot less.

I agree in a playground or on a beach Forgetfulness and I have spent a lot of time biting my lip as a naturally cautious person. I know a play worker who was telling me similar and I was glad to hear it as where I live kids are a bit too constrained imo.

However around roads and where other people are wanting to go about a street or supermarket without getting bumped into or bowled over I have intervened, even with other people's kids.

YABU. Annoying, yes, but they're just caring. An automatic reaction perhaps? An old lady said this to me when I was checking my phone in the playground to see if my mum's cancer results had come in (I wasn't just tapping away ignoring my son) and he was toddling off. She was just watching out for a little boy.

But people are barking up the wrong tree talking of risk aversion and micromanaging I think.

I let my kids do lots of things mn disapproves of and have had those horrible passive aggressive threats directed at me on here ("well I just hope your children don't get injured and social services don't take them away" )

But

When people tell other people's children to be careful it's a non confrontational way of reminding them they are "seen" to give them pause for thought because they are being PITA not usually because they are worried they'll hurt themselves.

If somebody said "be careful" to the OP's child while puddle jumping I'd lay odds the little darling was splashing people not actively involved in the puddle jumping, not that the other adult thought that puddle jumping was in some way dangerous

NurNochKurzDieWeltRetten Then the adults need to say that not the passive crap about be careful which undermines the childs confidence, is much more likely used with girls and is just bollocks.

Don't say "be careful" if you mean "stop splashing". They are completely different instructions, one undermines the childs confidence in their own judgement of safety, the other teaches them about consequences to others.

I do think there is a place for telling someone else's child that what they are doing could cause harm to themselves or someone else, if it appears that the parent may be unaware of what they are doing. If the parent is clearly in evidence and can see what is going on then presumably they are managing risk to their own child. If they are potentially causing harm to other children and the parent says nothing then there's a place for saying something too.

A recent example I saw was a 2 year old girl tried to pick up her baby brother's carry cot insert to put it in the pushchair, clearly it was too heavy and she would've have tipped him out. Mum had turned to put on her coat and didn't notice, so another mum said "Don't do that, darling" to said 2 year old. Perfectly reasonable and sensible.

But then I will and do tell other people's children off if they are doing something unacceptable eg hitting, throwing sand in people's faces, and the parent is not nearby or is unaware. I'm a teacher, I don't have a problem with telling other people's kids off.

Having said that I get a slight pang of irritation when my kids are riding their bikes, and they are waiting by a road for me to catch them up, and another parent says "Wait for mummy before you cross" (happens approx every other day). They are already waiting for me, and are perfectly aware they need to, since they bike to school every day and have excellent road sense. However, I forgive said over-concerned parent as I know that other kids may have a total lack of road or common sense, and so might need that reminder. I know this from seeing my 9 year old cousin who lives in California and is taken everywhere by car, being totally oblivious to the need to be careful around roads when walking here.

fred I see what you mean about complaining back handed threats are passive aggressive but saying "be careful" when you mean "stop splashing everyone around you" / "stop pushing other kids out of the way while you're all up high" "stop riding those heelies on a packed passenger ferry around small kids" "stop chucking sand even if it's not at my kid as it's still likely to go in their/ somebody's eyes" "stop riding that funking motocross bike on the pavement"

However people tend to get even more pissed off when you give their children explicit instructions - careful is an all purpose usually inoffensive convention.

No it doesnt undermine the child,how ridiculous.

I had this once my ds was sat in a tree at a low opening about. 2ft off the ground, a woman started clucking "oh you be careful , climbing that tree ,he's climbing a tree , excuse me ur Sons climbing a tree ,I wouldn't let mine climb a tree" i m afraid I sniped a bit "he's not climbing a tree he's sat in it, his bikes higher off the ground than that" although she was being annoying I feel bad still. Oh well.....

www.theguardian.com/society/2008/aug/06/children.play

Children are very good at asessing risk actually.

I am guilty of this. I have actually caught a child whilst the child was falling, offered help getting down/into swings, etc. To be honest most of the children look startled or grateful someone is paying attention to them.

I am overly cautious and I tend to hover around my own child and find it's only natural when another child is right next to me. It's an automatic response. I have also told adults, people on TV, and people I am passing when riding in a car to be careful. I've always done it, even from a young age.

If I have done this to you or your child, I apologize, no offence meant.

I'm also amazed at how rude, aggressive and ignorant some of the posters are.

I did caveat with obviously not crossing a road.

No my children haven't had any serious accidents yet ( touch wood) they could swim and ride bikes at three, climb trees, use a knife and scissors. We're very road sensible and had amazing balance.

Firstly I'd like to say that allowing your child to explore and take risks is very different to allowing them to be rude and knock people down in a supermarket. Very different.

Secondly if your saying be careful to someone's child to safeguard your own, yes it's passive aggressive. Much better to say "please don't do that you may kick him in the face"

Children are very intelligent if you give them room to be. They totally understand lots of things.

Allowing children time to work thing out by explaining the dangers not wrapping them in cotton wool and locking everything away.

Lots of interesting studies around this....you should read about it, not come on all aggressive.

I'm glad to hear that children are good at assessing risk. The local A&E is about to get a hell of a lot quieter! Oh, hang on...

fred if I say "be careful" to a child who is putting mine at risk, frankly my main concern is the safety of my own child, not that I may somehow be - shock, horror! - undermining the confidence of the other child. And I agree, people would get more pissed off with me bossing their child around with specific instructions than suggesting in a general way that they perhaps need to be paying a bit more attention to what is going on around them.

I tend to say watch out if be careful probably as a passive aggressive thing as you called it, op. But it's usually when there are children on bikes charging down the pavement ignoring me and DD walking to school. So I do mean 'keep a proper look out or go slower, so you don't hit me with your pedal again as it bloody well hurts' but watch out appears to to the trick.

Given the speed they go, i doubt I'm infringing their natural learning and fun but I don't really care so long as they don't skin my ankle again 10 minutes before I have to limp into a work meeting with my leg bleeding.

Telling someone to be careful doesn't protect your child, it's utterly crap as a warning, it's why one of the commonest phrases I hear in response to it is "I was being careful".

Just say "STOP that", or similar things, if you want to protect your children.

If you say stop that, you risk the child's parents coming up yo have an argument with you about stopping their little darling from doing what they wanted. 'Be careful' says I'm watching and will remove myself or my child if I need to. If the child carries on and hurts itself it is not my responsibility.