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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be hurt by not being asked to be bridesmaid?

490 replies

BridesNayed · 16/07/2015 18:59

I sort of know that I am. But I'm very upset (currently in 2ww so hoping some of this is early preg symptoms).

Friend A is getting married. For 20 years (since start of high school) my friendship group has been a fivesome (including me). Friend A has asked B, C and D to be her bridesmaids (as well as sister and cousin) and not me. I know it's totally U to have any expectation of being a BM but I'm very hurt that she chose the other three and not me because in my eyes, we're all equal friends. If anything, A sees B and C a little bit more often because they live in the same city, but hasn't seen D for 6 months and told me last month that she wasn't that close to D at the moment since an extremely drunken argument between A and D at another wedding last autumn which resulted in D hitting A. I see her approx once a month because I am often in her city for work. I would say we are very close.

It's so stupid I know, but I can't help but reconsider the whole of our friendship. I'm absolutely gutted that she doesn't consider me a close enough friend compared to the others.

DH reckons I should ask her why she didn't pick me. I think this is a ridiculous idea because it's not about me. I know I can't say anything because it's her bride prerogative to have who she wants, but sucking it up and grinning is really hard and I just wanted to know if the general consensus was that these feelings are unreasonable or not.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 20/07/2015 07:59

I think the wedding is 18 months away I heard. mumsnet would usually be divided on this, you would usually have a mixed bag of responses, but everyone has agreed that the way you have been treated by the bride and your so called friends is unacceptable. Of course if your invited to the wedding, it's your choice to go, but be prepared to be hurt all over again and have your face rubbed right in it. I personally would nit go if I was invited, wish her luck and a happy future and draw a line under it.

RavioliOnToast · 22/07/2015 18:12

Did you speak to A yet OP?

LadyFenring · 22/07/2015 18:28

Brazen place marking.

How maddening. Also bonkers that nothing got said with the booze Saturday night.

BeansInBoots · 22/07/2015 18:44

Let's be honest, this is just a place mark.
Hope this works out though, sounds like it could damage this friendship forever :/

Ohfourfoxache · 22/07/2015 18:54

Hope you're ok and that the work fuck up wasn't too awful Thanks

DocHollywood · 22/07/2015 19:01

If you are going to have a discussion about it, it has to happen soon. The following morning would have been the best but there's no point in leaving it much longer, it will just sound like it has been gnawing at you for days and they will all have had a chance to speculate on your feelings. Don't give them that satisfaction.

Fizrim · 22/07/2015 19:06

How awkward for you. My first thought was that it might be down to you not inviting her to be a bridesmaid, but she's asked the other friend who didn't have any.

I'm not sure what I'd do tbh. I would want to know why I was the only one not asked but I would be wary of asking because I didn't ask her to be mine, IYSWIM. Tricky. Is there anyone else who could ask her, even in a roundabout way? Does your DH know her fiance (although you risk mixed messages if they don't get it right!).

PeoniesForAll · 22/07/2015 19:16

I have just read the entire thread and YADDDDDDDNBU!!
How horrible for you OP - have some Flowers
I would definitely not be passive aggressive or passive anything like some MNers have suggested. That is just childish. Out her and get straight to the point. Something is definitely up and shame on the bride for disrespecting you and keeping you out of the wedding talk during the dinner.

It could be for a variety of reasons, as others have already mentioned. My bet though is because you did not have her as your BM at your wedding.

If my two best friends from college/uni were getting married and pulled something like this it would likely be the end of our friendship unless there was very good reason.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/07/2015 21:52

Have you heard from any of them.

Theycallmemellowjello · 22/07/2015 22:25

Not much to add, I agree with everyone that the bride is being v u, but I don't think we can know from what's been said that the other girls are too. They may just be keeping silent because they feel awkward and embarrassed about the bride's terrible decision.

Aeroflotgirl · 22/07/2015 22:30

If they were good friends they could make contact with op, they have known her for 20'years.

ColdTeaAgain · 23/07/2015 00:00

I would definitely feel hurt too OP.

I think she a) doesn't want a pregnant bridesmaid and b) you are prettier and she doesn't want to be compared to you in photos.

You are going to have to talk to her about it or it will just eat away at you.

Agree not mentioning the wedding at all at the meal was clearly agreed in advance. I would bring this up with her as well and say how bloody obvious it was!

RockinHippy · 23/07/2015 01:04

Wow, what a first class bitch your friend is Shock

the others aren't much better either - they shouldn't be shooting dirty looks to quieten any wedding chatter, but should be looking thoroughly embarrassed instead - but they didn't did they, so they are just as bad IMHE

& you are way to nice OP & you need new friends, this lot do not deserve you!

Aeroflotgirl · 23/07/2015 07:16

Exactly rocking, they are helping brides behaviour and siding with her, instead of challenging her and looking embarassed

Aeroflotgirl · 23/07/2015 07:27

They are not your friends op, sorry they are not

NewFlipFlops · 23/07/2015 07:58

Just read this thread. How awful. I'd be so tempted to just go nc on the lot of them without any further efforts. Are they all scared of A or something?

Aeroflotgirl · 23/07/2015 11:04

I woukd not ask her why you were not bridesmaid, just concentrate on how she hurt you with you being the only one of tge friends to not be BM, nit only that, she did not even afford you the respect of contacting you prior to her Facebook announcement for a chat, you found out with everybody else, how do you think that made me feel? You must have briefed your bridesmaids not to say anything to me at the meal, the way that C looked at B when she tried to bring it up said it all. You must think I am stupid to underestimate me in such a way. Tge friendship will never be the same again, shame I wasted 20 years to find out what yiu all are really like. I wish you good luck for your wedding! Draw a line under it.

By doing this, yiu are not making silly excuses for not going to her wedding, you have told her how it is, without mentioning nit going to her wedding, from what you have said it is obvious to the bride that you don't wish to attend.

Mashtag · 23/07/2015 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DogWalker75 · 23/07/2015 22:04

Aero, I think OP has to be careful in how she words this. I agree with what you're saying, but A would no doubt justify that by saying she can invite who she wants/ turn it round on the OP for being aggressive. I think OP's best move is to just ask her why she's been singled out, but calmly. Otherwise A could use it to her advantage so she looks like less of a shitty person.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/07/2015 22:14

Dog the damage has been done now, as op has said previously it's changed how she sees the friendship. Life's too short for shit, tgere is nothing aggressive about saying you are hurt, the bride needs to heRvthe consequences of her actions.

Any update op.

Kiwiinkits · 23/07/2015 22:21

Place marking

DPotter · 23/07/2015 22:22

OP said she was away with work this week so wasn't planning to contact her until her return

starlight2007 · 23/07/2015 22:34

Hope work went well..

IT sounds a good thing you have DH on your side

Aeroflotgirl · 23/07/2015 22:50

It was later this week op said she was going to have a chat with Bridezilla.

Pelt · 23/07/2015 23:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.