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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to be hurt by not being asked to be bridesmaid?

490 replies

BridesNayed · 16/07/2015 18:59

I sort of know that I am. But I'm very upset (currently in 2ww so hoping some of this is early preg symptoms).

Friend A is getting married. For 20 years (since start of high school) my friendship group has been a fivesome (including me). Friend A has asked B, C and D to be her bridesmaids (as well as sister and cousin) and not me. I know it's totally U to have any expectation of being a BM but I'm very hurt that she chose the other three and not me because in my eyes, we're all equal friends. If anything, A sees B and C a little bit more often because they live in the same city, but hasn't seen D for 6 months and told me last month that she wasn't that close to D at the moment since an extremely drunken argument between A and D at another wedding last autumn which resulted in D hitting A. I see her approx once a month because I am often in her city for work. I would say we are very close.

It's so stupid I know, but I can't help but reconsider the whole of our friendship. I'm absolutely gutted that she doesn't consider me a close enough friend compared to the others.

DH reckons I should ask her why she didn't pick me. I think this is a ridiculous idea because it's not about me. I know I can't say anything because it's her bride prerogative to have who she wants, but sucking it up and grinning is really hard and I just wanted to know if the general consensus was that these feelings are unreasonable or not.

OP posts:

Hussarsataparty · 19/07/2015 15:20

Hats off to you, OP, for managing so well last night. I'm reassured by pretty much everyone on here saying YANBU, and I'm joining 'em. I'd have been absolutely heartbroken. I've been excluded by groups of friends before, and it bloody hurts.

Good luck with the TTC - hopefully you'll have good news soon, and then there will be a whole new social circle for you to get to know and post aren't we just so fabulous photos on bloody Facebook with!

HoldYerWhist · 19/07/2015 15:28

Please don't go to the wedding and waste any more time with these thunder cunts!

sleeponeday · 19/07/2015 15:28

They all sound horrible. You sound lovely... and so does your DH.

Book a lovely trip away somewhere for the week of the wedding with you and DH, unless it's actually over your due date. Then just politely decline the invite due to prior plans.

You deserve so much better than friends who do this and then collude about it. They are petty idiots - you, on the other hand, are fretting about whether minding is fair on the bride!

There are people out there who will treat you as you do them. This little quartet haven't grown up, and perhaps they never will.

HowD · 19/07/2015 16:05

I agree, they are not your friends.

bigbumtheory · 19/07/2015 17:20

Don't wait around with it upsetting and playing on your mind OP. Call up one of them and ask. They obviously all know you aren't to be a bridesmaid and so ask. To be honest, given the complete lack of wedding talk plus the bride not speaking to you before, I wonder what is the intention?Will they ignore forever and just pretend when it comes close to the wedding? Do you think you are invited to the day?

I don't think the Bride is your friend, not because she chose not to have you but because of the way she's gone about this- maximising your upset and getting other people in on it all. I would consider very carefully the friendship.

Pancakeflipper · 19/07/2015 17:54

I would ask one of them, the one you feel will be honest and kind.

Don't ditch anyone until you ask.
Personally I think the bride is the only one to have an issue with about it. The others are probably also bewildered/embarrassed and wondering what the fuck but trying to respect Bride's decision. And there might be a reasonable explanation though cannot think of one .

Hope it gets resolved for you.

Original poster

BridesNayed · 19/07/2015 18:09

Thanks for all kind words.

I don't think I'll approach one of the others because I don't want to go behind A's back and would rather just speak to her - do as you would be done by and all that.

Was psyched up to call her tonight, but have just had dreaded weekend phone call from work and have to go away for a few days to sort out a fuck up. Will call her when I'm back - should be towards the end of the week. Will update you all, naturally.

OP posts:

Dansak · 19/07/2015 18:14

How horrible for you, but the way you are handling all of this with such dignity says a lot about the type of person you are. One that deserves better friends.

reallybadidea · 19/07/2015 18:28

I wouldn't have been able to sit through dinner knowing they were all colluding in this. I think that's the worst bit actually, acting normally, so that you are the one who looks crazy and self centred if you bring it up. My strong suspicion is that this is revenge for some perceived slight in the past, dressed up as consideration for you. Maybe she thinks that by TTC now that you will be stealing her thunder by having a newborn or going into labour at the wedding.

AgathaChristie01 · 19/07/2015 18:48

Probably even better that you have the extra time to let it settle in your head as to what you want to say. Put it to the back of your mind, which you probably will have to anyway, because of work. Take the emotion out of it, as best you can, before talking to her. All the best, OP.

sadwidow28 · 19/07/2015 19:01

I am still here reading your updates OP. I do feel for you - but don't leave the elephant in the room like I did.

I hope work goes okay.

We'll be here for you when you decide to speak to the bride. And know that righteousness is on your side (as well as a whole team of MNers)

GERTI · 19/07/2015 19:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/07/2015 19:57

I woukd just tell her how it is. She gas not spared your feelings, and does not seem to give a toss about you. Really, the friendship is over it isent the same now. Say your piece and move on.

Marmitelover55 · 19/07/2015 20:14

I would feel awful about this too and would want to confront her. However, I think you have been very dignified so far not to have. As a result now I think I would say something along the lines of you just having won the most amazing holiday that you can't possibly turn down - which "unfortunately" clashes with the wedding. Then go away somewhere fab and have an amazing time

AkkerDemik · 19/07/2015 20:34

I wouldn't go with saying you have a holiday (real or not). It gives her a get out clause in her own mind that she was vindicated, as 'you wouldn't have been able to do it anyway'.

Try to go with the dignified conversation, and maintain the moral high ground for yourself.

AdeleDazeem · 19/07/2015 20:47

I agree with Akker

Missing her wedding because of holiday is one thing but RSVPing 'Ooh, it's on the 14th? I'm actually going to be washing my hair that day. So unfortunate.' would be that little bit more insulting.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/07/2015 20:55

I would tell her how hurt you were, and what hurt tge most was tgat you found out on Facebook and that you were not afforded the courtesy of a chat beforehand. Colluding with the others to keep,quiet from you, dividing the friendship group. Wish her good luck for her wedding and her married life and draw a line under that.

ChillySundays · 19/07/2015 21:41

I am so sorry OP - it must be awful.

On a lighter note I have to say you miss the opportunity for some fun last night as you should have got your DH to ask questions every so often about the wedding and watched them squirm.

It would also be fun but not advisable to post on FB something along the lines of 'don't you hate when people haven't got the guts to explain things to your face'.

Seriously though I would be sorting out a holiday. If you don't want it to look like sour grapes then post on FB what a wonderful DH you have - he has just booked a holiday.

You have a wonderful DH - stuff the rest of them.

sleeponeday · 19/07/2015 22:48

I don't think the malice behind this would be rewarded by a holiday, myself.

Nobody does this accidentally. It's clearly intentional, or the friends wouldn't have been all hush hush nod wink about it.

Just plan something else. (Let's face it, almost all weddings are tedious beyond belief, anyway!)

Sadit · 19/07/2015 23:11

Late to the thread sorry OP.
Might it be worth your while setting up a whats app group and sending a message to them all saying
"hi guys thank you all for a lovely evening, really enjoyed it. However I think there was an undercurrent which we all know. Obviously A it is your prerogative to have who you wish as bridesmaids but I fell hurt and disappointed that B, C and D have been asked and I haven't. I am also upset that you have all seemed to collide not to mention it at dinner. Obviously I now see our friendship differently to what I did and for this reason wish you all well but I can no longer socialise with you (you back stabbing bastards).

Sadit · 19/07/2015 23:12

Sorry for typos. Correct spelling.
Miss out back stabbing bastards.

ThisIsClemFandango · 20/07/2015 00:11

It would also be fun but not advisable to post on FB something along the lines of 'don't you hate when people haven't got the guts to explain things to your face'.

I wouldn't sink to that level personally, or do the thing a pp said about sabotaging the wedding.
Keep your dignity op and leave them to it I say, but don't invest any more into these people.

I think it would be helpful for you to bring it up with friend A and let her know how shitty she has been in the way she handled the whole thing. If she only wants a few bridesmaids, fair enough, it's her wedding, but the decent thing anyone would do would be to speak to the close friends who aren't going to be bridesmaids and explain your decision, so they don't feel snubbed the way you have.
She hasn't considered your feelings whatsoever with the exclusion itself and then the Facebook post about the other friends who are bridesmaids was unnecessarily cruel. Then inviting you to dinner as the only one not a bridesmaid, well that's just rubbing your face in it, and the forbidden wedding talk makes it even more awkward.

So if I were you, I'd make her feel like a cunt, without losing composure, send a wedding card and a cheap present, book a fucking fantastic holiday for the wedding weekend and cut out the lot of them, until they have the guts to talk to you and apologise for the childish bitchy behaviour. If they don't, more fool them. I find people who behave like that tend to have it dealt back to them at some point anyway, so fuck them.

manicinsomniac · 20/07/2015 00:29

I would be devastated by this - not because I'd want to be a bridesmaid but by finding out that I was somehow seen as less of a friend than the others.

I really, really hope there's some kind of explanation for you. It would be really sad to lose such a close, long standing friendship over a wedding but won't be at all your fault if it happens.

I think you are right to ask but can't imagine how you can phrase it.

Aeroflotgirl · 20/07/2015 07:27

You sound very lovely op, you have a wonderful approach, I wish the bride could have afforded you the same courtesy. Your 'friends' radio silence to you speaks volumes. Not one has contacted you personally to see if your ok, if they disagree with bride, to tell you, and offer you a shoulder. As I have said, I am sorry you have wasted 20 years thinking that these people were good friends of yours, when they are clearly not! The way the bride has treated you, and her silence towards you, tells you everything.

Nanasueathome · 20/07/2015 07:47

OP, just as an 'aside', have the wedding invitations been sent out yet and have you actually been invited to the wedding?

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