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AIBU?

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Original poster

...to be hurt by not being asked to be bridesmaid?

490 replies

BridesNayed · 16/07/2015 18:59

I sort of know that I am. But I'm very upset (currently in 2ww so hoping some of this is early preg symptoms).

Friend A is getting married. For 20 years (since start of high school) my friendship group has been a fivesome (including me). Friend A has asked B, C and D to be her bridesmaids (as well as sister and cousin) and not me. I know it's totally U to have any expectation of being a BM but I'm very hurt that she chose the other three and not me because in my eyes, we're all equal friends. If anything, A sees B and C a little bit more often because they live in the same city, but hasn't seen D for 6 months and told me last month that she wasn't that close to D at the moment since an extremely drunken argument between A and D at another wedding last autumn which resulted in D hitting A. I see her approx once a month because I am often in her city for work. I would say we are very close.

It's so stupid I know, but I can't help but reconsider the whole of our friendship. I'm absolutely gutted that she doesn't consider me a close enough friend compared to the others.

DH reckons I should ask her why she didn't pick me. I think this is a ridiculous idea because it's not about me. I know I can't say anything because it's her bride prerogative to have who she wants, but sucking it up and grinning is really hard and I just wanted to know if the general consensus was that these feelings are unreasonable or not.

OP posts:
PrivateBenjamin · 19/07/2015 11:42

I believe that it was friend C, not the bride (friend A), who gave the death stare to friend B when she mentioned the wedding, so the 'friends' are policing each other on behalf of the bride. Awful. They are cunts.

grumpasaur · 19/07/2015 11:42

Aww op this is rubbish!!

Poor you.

My sister in law did something similar to a friend around her wedding. Like you, there are a group of five, and because the "head girl" in the group doesn't like one of the other girls, she often gets gossiped about and excluded.

It's very childish in my view and they have all been friends since school- it seems to be the playground antics are still alive and kicking!

The fact none of them have said anything makes me think it's deliberate, and it also makes me think none of them are really good friends to you.

Has anything similar happened before?

It's horrible behavior!!

TopCivilServant · 19/07/2015 11:43

Ooh yes, the death stare gives you a way in so you don't have to ask her why you're not a bridesmaid but could approach it in a "I just wondered if we were OK? it's just I noticed the stare that C gave B when your wedding came up?" Etc.....
And then book a holiday for the wedding and sod the nasty lot of them Flowers

itsmine · 19/07/2015 11:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OhEmGeee · 19/07/2015 11:50

I believe that it was friend C, not the bride (friend A), who gave the death stare to friend B when she mentioned the wedding, so the 'friends' are policing each other on behalf of the bride. Awful. They are cunts

^^ This!

DogWalker75 · 19/07/2015 11:52

OP, have you made other friends since leaving high school? Is it possible that they only really have each other, and see you as more independent than them due to a larger network of friends? They sound incredibly childish and not at all nice.

BinToHellAndBack · 19/07/2015 12:10

Don't think you can assume B&C are being horrible.

Of course they may be, but equally they could be confused as to why she's been snubbed were trying to protect OP from having to listen to wedding talk and feeling pushed out at a group meal.

It does give you a way to bring it up with one of them though.

"I know friend A is perfectly entitled to pick whichever bridesmaids she wants, but when you are shooting daggers at each other for mentioning the wedding in my presence I can't help but feel a bit paranoid. Is there something I'm missing?"

Diryan · 19/07/2015 12:11

Maybe it would be better to email or text her to ask if there's an issue. Then you can plan the wording carefully, whereas if you do it in person your anger/nerves might take over.

fastdaytears · 19/07/2015 12:26

I'd call her asap and get it over and done with. Flowers

temporarilyjerry · 19/07/2015 12:27

If you email or text, it also gives her a chance to consider her answer. If you call, you may get the truth. Flowers

Aeroflotgirl · 19/07/2015 12:28

I get the impression that bride has asked them not to mention anything to you. If they really cared, they would have called or messaged you to see how you were. They did not. This speaks volumes. If you can't personally confront bride, I woukd send her a PM or e mail telling her of your feelings and hurt and consider the friendship over

AlpacaPicnic · 19/07/2015 12:41

Well, there's no other option now than total Wedding Sabotage...

Obviously due to your lovely Dh, you can't seduce the groom-to-be yourself... Do you have any single friends who could do it for you?

Do you know anyone a bit 'dodgy'? Source some cocaine to plant in their luggage when they go abroad for the inevitable hen weekend.

Throw bitchybride a bridal shower. Offer to cater the bridal shower. Give everyone food poisoning.

Find out where the BM dresses are being ordered from. Ring up and change all the sizes of dresses to teeny weeny or absolutely massive.

I'm sure some other suggestions will be along in a few minutes...

OrangeVase · 19/07/2015 12:48

It just shows that it is all about treating people with respect. OP wouldn't really mind not being asked to be a BM - she is not a child and not unreasonable - but the way the friend has handled it shows zero respect.

I have never been an adult bridesmaid - and have never minded as it has always been clear, (eg only family) - but one good friend had me round for coffee and explained that she was having her sister and another old school friend and she hoped I wouldn't mind etc. It was so beautifully done - friend to friend - just as it should be. I wasn't in the least offended. (BTW our friendship lasted much longer than the marriage)

missmargot · 19/07/2015 12:50

Poor OP. Even if the bride does have valid reasons for not asking you (aware you are TTC etc) she has handled the situation badly by announcing on FB and not speaking to you to explain.

You, on the other hand, have handled the situation with grace and dignity. You waited until you saw her to give the opportunity for a face to face explanation and none has been forthcoming so I do think you are fully entitled to call the bride today and ask her what is going on.

Out of interest when you had your sister as your sole bridesmaid so that you didn't have to choose between the others did you explain that to her? Not that it would justify her behaviour but is there a chance she's been holding a grudge for years over it?

LavenderLeigh · 19/07/2015 12:50

If any of the BM cared about you, they would have been in touch to let you know the lie of the land.
Their failure to do this, along with the brides actions makes it cleR you are not regarded as part of their clique.

They're all bitches. Dump them. You don't need people like this in your life, people who are nice to your face and doing things behind your back.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/07/2015 13:00

Exactly, sounds like a witches covern to me, they have never left the playground, even after 20 years. I personally would just e mail or PM her, explain how I feel, just wish her luck with her wedding and future, and write a line under it. I know, people have said to tell her in person, you might get flustered, not tell her everything you want to, she could have the chance to go off in a huff. At least she can sit down and read a few home truths. It is not about being BM, the whole thing was handled really shoddily by people op considered to be her really good long term friends.

Angria · 19/07/2015 13:02

Are you the type of person who checks Facebook regularly, do they think you don't know yet?

Tell your friends you've seen the bridesmaid announcement on Facebook and you are hurt that no one mentioned it last night.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/07/2015 13:35

Its stuff like this which really shows you where you come in a friendship group.

quietbatperson · 19/07/2015 14:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

quietbatperson · 19/07/2015 14:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

areyoubeingserviced · 19/07/2015 14:33

Op ,she may not even like you.

oneowlgirl · 19/07/2015 14:41

I think Bins suggested wording is perfect as it's non-confrontational but gets straight to the point.

chickenfuckingpox · 19/07/2015 15:15

plan holiday return invite with a "sowwy cant make it card" complete with "teddy bear and obligatory flower" picture on it

go on holiday enjoy post loads of pics to facebook

then block them

AliceAlice1979 · 19/07/2015 15:17

Oh how aweful op. Do book a holiday. And let us know when you get your explanation and your bfp.

OhEmGeee · 19/07/2015 15:20

I can't work out why one person wants to do this to the friendship group. It's not just the not choosing you, it's everything else. I would speak to one of the others too, you may get different explanations.