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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to be hurt by not being asked to be bridesmaid?

490 replies

BridesNayed · 16/07/2015 18:59

I sort of know that I am. But I'm very upset (currently in 2ww so hoping some of this is early preg symptoms).

Friend A is getting married. For 20 years (since start of high school) my friendship group has been a fivesome (including me). Friend A has asked B, C and D to be her bridesmaids (as well as sister and cousin) and not me. I know it's totally U to have any expectation of being a BM but I'm very hurt that she chose the other three and not me because in my eyes, we're all equal friends. If anything, A sees B and C a little bit more often because they live in the same city, but hasn't seen D for 6 months and told me last month that she wasn't that close to D at the moment since an extremely drunken argument between A and D at another wedding last autumn which resulted in D hitting A. I see her approx once a month because I am often in her city for work. I would say we are very close.

It's so stupid I know, but I can't help but reconsider the whole of our friendship. I'm absolutely gutted that she doesn't consider me a close enough friend compared to the others.

DH reckons I should ask her why she didn't pick me. I think this is a ridiculous idea because it's not about me. I know I can't say anything because it's her bride prerogative to have who she wants, but sucking it up and grinning is really hard and I just wanted to know if the general consensus was that these feelings are unreasonable or not.

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 19/07/2015 09:32

Sorry it's taken you 20 years to find out what she really like and what she thinks of you.

FunnyNameHere · 19/07/2015 09:33

Hope it ended up ok, op. X

Mj41 · 19/07/2015 09:39

To be fair to the other bridesmaids, the bride may have asked them not to discuss it until she's had chance to speak to the op, which would put them in a very awkward position. To the op, I think the bride has handled this very badly and the least she should have done is spoken to you privately ahead of the evening out to clear the air. Hope the rest of the evening was ok and well done on maintaining your dignity - I personally wouldn't be attending the wedding unless the bride makes things right by initiating the conversation over why she didn't select you, and wouldn't be rushing to give an excuse why I wasnt going.

nailsathome · 19/07/2015 09:44

I don't think I'd have been able to keep quiet op! I hope the rest of your evening was ok

PrivateBenjamin · 19/07/2015 09:51

I really feel for you OP. they've obviously been talking about it behind your back.

If this were me I would ditch the lot of them. I cannot accept disloyalty in a friend. I actually did ditch a whole friendship group that had been together since school years ago. I was with the group and we called another member on speakerphone to plan a night out. She didn't know I was there and said "don't invite Private". The other friends snatched her off speakerphone and started talking loud with awkward looks (so it was obvious this kind of talk went on regularly). After I left that night I never contacted that group again and always refused their offers to meet up. Now I am good friends with my original best friend from the group (it took about 7 years before we became friends again) but I have only seen the others in passing, and I ignore the 'speakerphone' friend.

Friendship groups are a minefield. Better to have individual friends rather than just a handful of people you went to school with.

carrielou2007 · 19/07/2015 10:08

Sound like a nasty bunch

Aeroflotgirl · 19/07/2015 10:11

With the other Bridesmaids she might have forced them to keep quiet, it's the fact they gave been talking behind your back most probably. It's the whole bitchiness about it, your best away from it.

Evabeaversprotege · 19/07/2015 10:14

If the bride had any manners she would've contacted the op before the FB announcement!

For op to have to read it on FB of all places seems a bit callous.

And for bride, bridesmaids & their partners not to mention it at all shows they all know they've done you wrong.

I'd feel so hurt & be reconsidering what I mean to the group.

oneowlgirl · 19/07/2015 10:37

Just saw this thread - hope last night went ok for you Op.

FWIW, I reckon it'll be because you didn't have her as your bridesmaid, yet you had other people, whereas D had no bridesmaids at all, so she understood where D was coming from.

Announcing it on FB without speaking to you first was a particularly hurtful thing to do.

Original poster

BridesNayed · 19/07/2015 10:39

Right! Firstly, thanks all for being so concerned!

I had a mostly really fun evening and DH did not have to deploy the dicky tummy excuse. In fact, whenever the wedding thing wasn't on my mind, it was as if nothing had changed and it was just really nice to spend time with my "best friends".

However, obviously the lack of wedding chat was pre-discussed - B brought it up tangentially and C shot her a death stare at one point. I can't imagine a situation in which B, C and D won't have asked A why I haven't been chosen but none of them pulled me aside to discuss it either, maybe under her instructions or maybe they want to avoid an awkward conversation in a party situation (can't blame them).

I'm going to have to ring A during the week and have a difficult conversation and I'm really not looking forward to it. "Hi...yeah....great time at the weekend....lovely to see you...WTF are you doing not having me as your BM?"

OP posts:

oneowlgirl · 19/07/2015 10:41

Glad you had a good night but by teeing them up not to discuss the wedding means she is actively causing a wedge between you & the rest of the group. Nasty.

DogWalker75 · 19/07/2015 10:45

Hi OP, glad you had a nice evening. I think ringing A is probably a good idea, it's better than carrying on as normal and pretending nothing has happened.

However, I'd be tempted to just phase them out, or at least A. The others sound just as bad, but they are in a difficult situation I suppose.

Weebirdie · 19/07/2015 10:47

Glad you had a good night but by teeing them up not to discuss the wedding means she is actively causing a wedge between you & the rest of the group. Nasty.

Precisely.

And Dogwalker got it spot on as well.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/07/2015 10:52

Her death stare at C says it all, she is no friend of yours. Please don't be a doormat and put up with her treating you so badly. She sounds so nasty sorry op she does. She has probably threatened them into being quiet. Life's too short for shit like this. I would have that talk with no shame, tell her exactly how you feel bare no bones. She is the one who should feel scared. Why not do it today, no time like the present. Her reaction will speak volumes, her behaviour already has. Yiu may see her as a good friend, but you are not to her.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/07/2015 10:53

Cut the niceties with her, go straight to it. You are too nice and soft.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/07/2015 10:56

Judging by her behaviour, I doubt you will get an invite to the wedding, even if it is, just the evening bit.

lucidlady · 19/07/2015 10:58

This is unbelievably nasty. They're all actively colluding against you. I agree with the pp who said these are no friends of yours. If they cared an ounce about your feelings, A would have spoken to you long ago about it to explain.

ems1910 · 19/07/2015 10:59

Urgh. What a witch and your other friends aren't much better.

I would call her now and ask for an explanation. Then I would drop them all.

CrystalCove · 19/07/2015 11:03

I know you say you had a nice night but there was a big giant elephant in the room! They are all as bad as each other, Bride had created this division and the rest are obviously happy to go along with it.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/07/2015 11:04

Sorry it's taken you 20 years to find out how they are really like.

AgathaChristie01 · 19/07/2015 11:07

I'd ask to meet her, if possible, then say that you noticed the death stare, and want to get things out in the open. If she is so shallow that it's because you didn't ask her to be yours, or because you might have a bump, that to me sounds like playground stuff, and I would never feel the same again about her, as a friend.
I don't think I'd ask her why is she not having you as a BM. Because, she will have an answer ready for that, and as you said in your OP, it is her prerogative, to have whoever she wants, as her BMs.
It's not a nice situation, and it sounds like it's all of her creation, and is driving a wedge, or has the potential to do so, in what seems to have been a good friendship.

Writerwannabe83 · 19/07/2015 11:09

Don't let her get away with it OP - phone her now and have it out with her.

She's making a mug of you and you're letting her. Hold your head up high and have it out with her.

I can just imagine them all together, laughing about it behind your back as to how they 'got away with it' and what a pushover you are.

They all sound absolutely vile.

I was giving the bride the benefit of the doubt yesterday but after reading your update I just think she's a bit of a bitch, as are your other 'friends'.

milkandmarmite · 19/07/2015 11:14

You sound lovely OP, but don't get taken advantage of. I bet they, or at least the bride is feeling very happy with herself that she has seemingly 'gotten' away with it last night.

I think you handled yourself admirably, but now you need to have an open and honest discussion as to what is going on!

I'd be phoning today if it was me - at least to arrange a coffee..

milkandmarmite · 19/07/2015 11:17

X post with writer - agree with what she says!

Hexadecimal1 · 19/07/2015 11:36

Absolutely agree with writer, you sound lovely btw

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