To be annoyed about this school event?

[eliza1960]

My eldest DD (Year 11) is quite upset over something that happened at school. Her form group is full of very loud, strong characters and she is a quiet girl who just gets on with things. Out of school she is more outgoing, does drama/ theatre as a hobby but she can be quite shy around the louder girls at school.

This week the form teacher let the leaders of the form organise a prize giving for the end of year 11. DD says it's a group of the more popular girls who organised and led this event.

They presented every person with a certificate related to their personality/ interests. Things like 'chatterbox of the year', 'most caring', 'sports mad' etc. they called DD's name and presented her with her certificate of 'class mouse'. She said she felt embarrassed as the rest of the class were laughing at her as she went to get it and she felt it wasn't meant in a nice way. It was done in front of lots of people and I think she found it humiliating as it was done to mock her for being quiet.

She's been quite tearful about it which isn't like her. I think she's also disappointed as she would have liked a certificate to keep that reflected her true personality (something nice about her, like how friendly she is or her drama interests, which these girls did know about. )

I feel that they have done it to be mean, as every other student received a certificate that was something positive. Class mouse is not something she wanted to be remembered as and she has even binned the certificate. She says that some of the other students have been making fun of her since, shouting 'mouse' and making squeaking noises at her.

I feel that she's spent years building up her confidence and self esteem only to have it knocked by this silly event, which her teachers allowed to happen without supervising what these girls were saying about their peers. The form teacher was even in the room when this happened and let the others laugh at her without intervening.

AIBU to feel annoyed about this?

Chocolate

The reason people are advising contacting the school is because a teacher played a role in this. It is to ensure he his spoken to about the inadvisability of what he did.

Unfortunately, however, it appears he's been offered an assistant head post in another school.

Oh this brings back memories of leaving school 20+ years ago. My (attractive, quiet) friend got awarded Most Likely To Stay A Virgin. She was in floods of tears.

Imagine that all the popular girls awarded themselves Most Attractive and the outliers got the more offensive ones, yes? Class Mouse is hurtful. I'd be upset and unhappy.

I realise that the teacher had some kind of role in this, but I still don't think it warrants a complaint to the school.

Yes, as I said, the teacher was probably unwise in letting this go ahead or in not checking the certificates. However, at this stage of school, banter is very much the state of affairs and the teacher may well have seen the giving of certificates as a bit of fun that everyone would be able to engage in without being mean and without being offended. It could have been that the giving out of them was light hearted and the 'titles' awarded were not intended maliciously and were just taken light heartedly too. The problem arises if some people are very sensitive and hurt by what is said and also if people spot their hurt and then play on it - sounds like this is what happened here - the girls spotted that OPs daughter didn't like her 'title' and then got mileage out of it, but even then I don't think there is any evidence of a sustained problem requiring intervention.

Personally I don't think the teacher did anything to warrant a complaint or the need to be taken aside and spoken to about. If the giving of certificates was done unkindly, he would have spotted it and would have been able to intervene - was he definitely present when they were given out, or was this something the girls asked permission to do and then arranged outside of Form time?

And it is difficult to know exactly what happened later. The OP says her DD didn't like the name. Fair enough. She also reports that the DD has fragile confidence - so yes it is a shame if that is knocked, but it should also be recognised that it might not take much to do this, and the teacher cannot always stop every activity which might make some people feel sensitive, when actually it might be positive for the majority of the class. The OP then reports some classmates calling 'mouse' to her DD - but it is unclear if this was just once or twice or loads of people doing it repeatedly and in an intentionally nasty way. After the certificate giving, perhaps lots of people were referred to by their 'titles' - doesn't have to be nastily intended.

I suspect that the OP is seeing a bigger, more nastily intended issue than perhaps really existed. The DD is sensitive and didn't like the name she was given, but all this stuff about her wishing she had been given a certificate she could keep with a name she would like to remember the school by, seems to be the OP reading more into it. I think it sounds as if the OP was perhaps more outraged and upset by what happened than her DD was and I wonder if she expressed this feeling and this helped the DD feel worse about it all - of course I am speculating here, but really all any of us on here can do is speculate. I base my thoughts in the tone and language used by the OP, as well as the very limited amount of actual facts of the teacher or other pupils doing clearly unpleasant things.

Teenagers do engage in banter - much of this by very nature is abusive. Most teenagers will be able to laugh and give it back. Have you ever read the Year Books Year 11s and Year 13s often produce when they leave school - they write about each other as well as themselves, and much of it is very abusive. Most of them delight in it. A few find they can't. I do think parental interventions should be reserved for more serious issues than this - children need to learn resilience, although of course if there is bullying going on, intervention is needed. This doesn't sound like bullying to me.

I wonder if most of those suggesting emailing in or contacting the Head of Year have children who are post-GCSE? The way older teenagers relate to each other is different to younger kids. Likewise, the interventions of parents also need to be different.

I understand the OP is annoyed that the fragile confidence of her DD has been knocked. However, life in the 6th Form is going to be full of testing situations for everyone as they learn to cope with more independence and dealing with different types of people socially and in class - I think the OPs biggest job is to help boost her confidence, not wade in where it is trampled.

I wonder if most of those suggesting emailing in or contacting the Head of Year have children who are post-GCSE?

Yes.
And I teach post 16 as well.
And I still think it needs addressing in the school.

Of course people are nasty, spiteful and vicious. The point is, in a school, it should be challenged. Part of building up self esteem is the belief that you are worthy of respect. This requires institutions to have a culture of respect, and not to allow some nasty name calling by immature teens to be facilitated and/or tacitly condoned by staff who have a duty of care to create a respectful and supportive learning environment.

I agree that bullying should not be condoned and needs stamping on hard. However, I do not see enough evidence from the OP that this is what was going on - I see a 'title' given that wasn't the best,especially for a sensitive girl and then probably a couple of people using the name again.

It maybe that there was more to it than I am seeing - but from what the OP says, I can't see anymore.

Was it ever established if the teacher was present whilst these 'certificates' were given out? I would have been surprised to hear he was there are said absolutely nothing if there was an unpleasantness about it all.
It sounds to me like the girls had the idea and asked his permission in passing, which he agreed, and then they made the certificates and issued them without him being around - so not within his hands - if that was the case, how much responsibility would you place on the teacher/school?

I've only read this OP but just wanted to say I think you should complain to the school for the sake of the next class this teacher is responsible for. That was such a stupid thing for a teacher to do. However "class mouse" does not sound so bad. The best thing your dd can do is laugh alongside them because unfortunately when you take offense the treatment is much worse.

I am absolutely amazed and horrified at some of the attitudes to bullying on this thread. That it is character building, no big deal, an opportunity for self improvement. Horrible, just horrible

Chocolate, the teacher was present when this happened and DD said he smiled along with it.

She is feeling better now about the whole thing.
Yes she is a sensitive girl but at the same time, this wasn't necessary. There is a lot that has gone on in the past with this class so it's not a case of me reading into the situation.

It reminds me of the arguments like "I was thrashed as achild and it never did me any harm" somehow.

Not to ention the victim blaming - like the OP's DD should somehow look to herself as to why these girls say cruel things to her.

Just nasty!

OP I'm glad she feels better. Hope she has a lovey summer and goes back to school and meets some decent people

Well that's nice, itsmine

I was bullied in secondary school, particularly with a nickname that I didn't like and it was hell. However my dd used to find any nickname's they gave her very funny, which seemed to stop any attempt at bullying in its tracks.

No one said that the awards were hilarious. Some posters said that Mouse wasn't necessarily meant spitefully, or that the OP's DD might want to think about how to handle this sort of thing in future. And apparently those posters have horrible children. You can't see what's wrong with that? OK then

"Apparently he's had a soft spot for this particular group of girls all year and they joke with him and give him nicknames"

Gross, gross, gross. On every possible level.

What the teacher would have been better off doing is maybe give each girl a list of all the girls in his class and ask everyone to put what nice attribute each girl has, rather than just letting the popular ones have the green light to bully someone.

But no one has condoned the subsequent teasing, only said that Mouse is not necessarily a derogatory term . Nothing to do with instilling certain values into their children

Closer how would you like to be hauled out in front of all your peers and have one of your character traits mocked in a bitchy way. Imagine how much your 15/16 year old self would have enjoyed that. Especially if you were a naturally shy 15/16 yo

You honestly cant see why that would be upsetting for a person? Really?

Then I give up

Chocolatewombat,
In the interests of 'fairness', I think that these certificates should also be handed out to the teachers at the end of each year. Don't you?

I'm sure they'll be able to 'take it' - after all, it's only a 'bit of fun'

I remember my last event like that in my form, it was light hearted and fun. She should stop being so sensitive. If she's admittedly quiet, what does she expect.

If the OP had been along the lines of "how funny, DD came home tonight with a Class Mouse certificate from this end of year thing that some of the other girls arranged. She's a bit bemused because she isn't that quiet, she's just not as loud as the group of girls who drew up the certificates", I doubt that many people would have said how Mouse is a horrible label and the OP ought to email the head right away to complain. It's because of the context of the OP's DD being upset by it that so many posters have said that it isn't nice. Or indeed have inferred that the class were "hauled up in front of their peers" to be mocked, which isn't what the OP said happened (unless I have missed a page of the thread. I thought the mocking happened following the certificate session).

I have never doubted that OP's DD found this upsetting, and I completely understand why. Of course I do. I also bear the scars of schoolgirl bullying (and professional "feedback" that was unnecessarily belittling). But that doesn't mean that I can't also say that Mouse was not necessarily used as a term of humiliation (even if it was subsequently used that way by others in the class). And it certainly doesn't mean that I am bringing up my children to be horrible.

eleanor

She might expect to be called "quietist in class*

Not mouse

My son was nominated in junior school for "best vegetable eater"

He was not called vegetable head,

see the difference

That

Quietist

Doesn't look right

Oh well you know what I mean