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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed about this school event?

238 replies

eliza1960 · 15/07/2015 13:22

My eldest DD (Year 11) is quite upset over something that happened at school. Her form group is full of very loud, strong characters and she is a quiet girl who just gets on with things. Out of school she is more outgoing, does drama/ theatre as a hobby but she can be quite shy around the louder girls at school.

This week the form teacher let the leaders of the form organise a prize giving for the end of year 11. DD says it's a group of the more popular girls who organised and led this event.

They presented every person with a certificate related to their personality/ interests. Things like 'chatterbox of the year', 'most caring', 'sports mad' etc. they called DD's name and presented her with her certificate of 'class mouse'. She said she felt embarrassed as the rest of the class were laughing at her as she went to get it and she felt it wasn't meant in a nice way. It was done in front of lots of people and I think she found it humiliating as it was done to mock her for being quiet.

She's been quite tearful about it which isn't like her. I think she's also disappointed as she would have liked a certificate to keep that reflected her true personality (something nice about her, like how friendly she is or her drama interests, which these girls did know about. )

I feel that they have done it to be mean, as every other student received a certificate that was something positive. Class mouse is not something she wanted to be remembered as and she has even binned the certificate. She says that some of the other students have been making fun of her since, shouting 'mouse' and making squeaking noises at her.

I feel that she's spent years building up her confidence and self esteem only to have it knocked by this silly event, which her teachers allowed to happen without supervising what these girls were saying about their peers. The form teacher was even in the room when this happened and let the others laugh at her without intervening.

AIBU to feel annoyed about this?

OP posts:
sweetgrape · 16/07/2015 11:35

people get bullied by their bosses, by other mums in the playground etc
and these girls in this case will probably go on to become these bullies. This teacher who allowed this awful situation is effectively encouraging bullying. In his desire to appease the popular ones hes allowed an opening for bullying. He needs to be told what he has done, otherwise his stupidity will just continue.

Diane31 · 16/07/2015 12:46

I am the mum of a quiet girl, who has a brilliant sense of humour and always had friends at primary and went to parties/sleepovers etc. Was just quiet with the whole class thing.

However high school did not start well as she was totally overwhelmed by all the kids/meanness/horribleness etc etc etc and is now being homeschooled. I therefore totally understand how upset your daughter must be feeling and the teachers should have intervened. I was going to say I was surprised that some of the more kinder/understanding pupils did not intervene but sorry say to there doesn't seem to be many these days.

Don't let it ruin her summer holidays, I am sure there are far worst things than being called the class mouse. I have met a few home educated kids who are similar to my daughter and are out of school simply because of the attitude of many of the other kids. One girl had a can of coke poured over head by a year 11 boy on the first day in year seven; my daughter watched year 7 and 8s tease an autistic girl (I have an autistic son) but am so proud that though she felt she couldn't intervene, she certainly is not a follower who would follow mean kids.

I am thinking of getting my daughter into some sort of drama group; she is reluctant but I think she may enjoy it and after all, there is more to life/friends etc than the life/friends in school.

Have a lovely summer.

Italiangreyhound · 16/07/2015 12:50

Fleecyleesy so because some people are bullies we just accept it, never call them out on it?

A few decades ago our country was pretty racist, sexist, homophobic. It still is in places, but because people increasingly say this is not on, things chance. Accepting that other people have the right to be mean is not the way to go.

scatterthenuns · 16/07/2015 12:51

OP, did everybody get an award? Or was DD specifically picked out for appearing shy and unassuming?

mellicauli · 16/07/2015 13:21

It is feedback. It has just been done in a very inelegant way. But they are only 16 so that's to be expected.

missmoon · 16/07/2015 13:22

YANBU, how awful for your DD. I can relate because I was always the "quiet one", so was picked on for that reason. At work this would be seen as bullying, and you could make a complaint to HR, so I don't see why it would be acceptable in a school?

diddl · 16/07/2015 13:36

"It is feedback."

Of course it isn't.

It's the label of some other girls in the class.

HelenaDove · 16/07/2015 13:37

I agree with sweetgrape.

Todays school bully will become tomorrows workplace bully.

Nurserywindow · 16/07/2015 13:51

Of course it's not 'feedback'. If one of those girls had labelled another girl 'fattest girl in the class' would you call that 'feedback' and say the girl should take it on board and go on a diet?

HelenaDove · 16/07/2015 13:54

Nursery i have a nasty feeling some of the weight shamers ive seen on this board would do just that.

AmberFool · 16/07/2015 14:06

Hmm at "feedback". Really?

Today's school bully will become tomorrows workplace bully. My thoughsts exactly.

mellicauli · 16/07/2015 14:09

Both fattest girl in the class and mouse could have been fairly levelled me at various stages in my school career. I managed (with the help of drama) to shake off the mouse thing off. It wasn't something I wanted. Neither was the fat...but that has proved more difficult to combat.

If I did get that comment, I do think I would be asking myself why is that was the only thing worth mentioning about me? Why don't these people like me? What have I done to them? The answer might end up being nothing. Or I might think of something I could have handled better.

We did have something similar at work where everybody was assigned an actor/actress to play them in the film of our company. I thought "oh-oh, here comes Jo Brand or Dawn French". But they were kinder than that I wouldn't have taken the observation too badly. You are what you are, after all..

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 16/07/2015 14:14

Pizza Face

Dog Breath

Flat Chest

Y Legs

Thunder Thighs

All things that people in my year were called at school; all far far worse than Mouse.

Nurserywindow · 16/07/2015 14:18

"If I did get that comment, I do think I would be asking myself why is that was the only thing worth mentioning about me? Why don't these people like me? What have I done to them? "

Exactly. And why should someone be made to feel like that simply because they're not as loud and pushy as the girls giving out the labels?

Nurserywindow · 16/07/2015 14:19

I don't get your point closer. Because she wasn't given an even worse insult, she should be grateful?

SallyMcgally · 16/07/2015 14:44

OP - if those girls sat at the same table as your daughter's bullies and laughed and enjoyed her discomfort, then they did join in with bullying her between 12-14. They sound thoroughly vindictive, and your DD sounds lovely. Sounds like the form tutor could also benefit from a healthy dose of growing up. He's not their to be their friend for god's sake.

CarlaJones · 16/07/2015 15:06

Yes, sounds like the form teacher and bullies really should take a look at themselves.

RufusTheReindeer · 16/07/2015 15:20

mell

I think you will find that when a child is put down like that they spend many years trying to figure out what they did "wrong" and "why doesn't anybody like me"

And it's nothing!!! But let's keep slamming the quiet child who may already be struggling with self esteem and confidence issues

Let's make it their fault, because that will help their self esteem no end Hmm

Oh and feedback!!!! FFS

SallyMcgally · 16/07/2015 15:22

Yes - to everything Rufus has just said. One of the heartbreaking things that you see again and again with the kids referred to Kidscape is sheer bewilderment and confusion about what it is about them that makes them 'deserve' the bullying.

stilllearnin · 16/07/2015 15:26

Closer- it's not so much the degree of nastiness but that it was an award given to her in front of others while a teacher looked on condoning it. Did that happen to the people you describe at your school? The fact that the teacher condoned this is the worst part for me. (but I've had a bad week for dim teachers
(as well as some great ones obv))

Nurserywindow · 16/07/2015 15:26

Melli

If you have children and one of them ever comes home from school upset because they have been called 'mouse' or 'chubby cheeks' or 'most annoying laugh' or somesuch, please don't tell them to have a look at themselves and see where they have gone wrong and made people not like them.
Please, just don't. !

KitZacJak · 16/07/2015 15:32

YANBU - the teacher should have been keeping an eye on what they were doing as this was obviously a potential vehicle for people to be bitchy. I was really quiet at school too and that kind of thing would have mortified me.

ChocolateWombat · 16/07/2015 15:43

I think it was rather unwise of the teacher to let the girls choose the names on the certificates without checking them, but at the same time I really don't think this is something that warrants contacting the school.
These kids are all 16 and about to enter the 6th form - parents should not be wading in over every little slight that happens, but letting kids cope with it and only getting involved if things are serious - and in my mind,this is not serious. If you DID contact the school, exactly what would you be wanting them to do about it and what would it achieve?

It was unfortunate and probably a bit unkind of the girls. If DD has low self esteem , things like this will knock her........but she will need to cope with it, especially at 16.

In my mind, the best response from a parent in this situation is NOT to make a big deal of it, not to be keen to go into the school (especially if she is keen for you not to) and to acknowledge what has happened briefly 'yes, that doesn't seem the kindest name for them to have given you' but to then focus on building her up and not making a big thing of it all. 'We know that in lots of situations out of school you're not a mouse and it's just a shame those girls haven't seen the other you' or 'it was a daft end of term thing, everyone will have forgotten about it by the start of 6th form' etc.

I think that as parents, especially of older children, we need to be very careful about when we get involved and only do so when things are serious.

stilllearnin · 16/07/2015 15:53

Crumbs I have just read back a(managed to miss a few pages) and wouldn't have posted on a confrontational thread as its not my style. However my favourite is giving the teacher his own certificate.

The biggest shock is that this type of thing is reasonable common place??!! Even if you get a positive or coveted award what worth is it to be judged on one attribute? Most likely to...blah blah blah- what use is that? We are all lots of things and likely to be lots of things. Where on earth has this idea come from?

SallyMcgally · 16/07/2015 15:55

It might be helpful in a low-key way, though, to let the Head of Year know so that that particular form teacher can be advised about how to handle the situation better, so that nobody is hurt next year.

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