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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed about this school event?

238 replies

eliza1960 · 15/07/2015 13:22

My eldest DD (Year 11) is quite upset over something that happened at school. Her form group is full of very loud, strong characters and she is a quiet girl who just gets on with things. Out of school she is more outgoing, does drama/ theatre as a hobby but she can be quite shy around the louder girls at school.

This week the form teacher let the leaders of the form organise a prize giving for the end of year 11. DD says it's a group of the more popular girls who organised and led this event.

They presented every person with a certificate related to their personality/ interests. Things like 'chatterbox of the year', 'most caring', 'sports mad' etc. they called DD's name and presented her with her certificate of 'class mouse'. She said she felt embarrassed as the rest of the class were laughing at her as she went to get it and she felt it wasn't meant in a nice way. It was done in front of lots of people and I think she found it humiliating as it was done to mock her for being quiet.

She's been quite tearful about it which isn't like her. I think she's also disappointed as she would have liked a certificate to keep that reflected her true personality (something nice about her, like how friendly she is or her drama interests, which these girls did know about. )

I feel that they have done it to be mean, as every other student received a certificate that was something positive. Class mouse is not something she wanted to be remembered as and she has even binned the certificate. She says that some of the other students have been making fun of her since, shouting 'mouse' and making squeaking noises at her.

I feel that she's spent years building up her confidence and self esteem only to have it knocked by this silly event, which her teachers allowed to happen without supervising what these girls were saying about their peers. The form teacher was even in the room when this happened and let the others laugh at her without intervening.

AIBU to feel annoyed about this?

OP posts:
soapboxqueen · 15/07/2015 20:24

Sweetgrape Again thanks for telling me the bullying I endured is of no matter. I don't think I'm the one being insensitive. I've never heard chatterbox be used in anyway other than nasty.

Further up thread someone mentioned that because all of the other awards were nice, they must have been particularly targeting the op's dd. One of the other awards was 'chatterbox'. As far as I'm concerned chatterbox isn't nice. So there is a chance they aren't just targeting her dd. Either they were being total arses or totally didn't get how it would be taken by the other children. We can't know because we don't know these other girls.

Yes the teacher should have intervened.

Yes the teacher should have looked over what they were intending to do.
The op's dd has every right to be upset if that's how she feels about it. It's up to the op and her dd to decide what to do about it.

TheOriginalSteamingNit · 15/07/2015 20:25

DS1 was awarded a a certificate for 'Best Nigerian' (he is white English).They were all jokey but maybe at 18 they have that bit more maturity than 16?

You what ?

sweetgrape · 15/07/2015 20:26

Ber when you're one of the popular ones, being told you're the "one who dresses like a homeless person" is totally different. Is wasn't meant as a proper insult and I'm sure you didn't cringe inwardly inside and go home mortified.

PuppyMonkey · 15/07/2015 20:31

Eh? I've often called my youngest a chatterbox Confused

sweetgrape · 15/07/2015 20:35

Soapbox honestly I've never known to be called "chatterbox" to be insulting. I have granddaughters. One of them is a right little chatterbox, everyone tells her she is. She knows she is and laughs along with peole who tell her she is. I have another granddaughter who is very quiet, only very insensitive people will tell her she's quiet, because she hates it, as most quiet and shy people do. She would be mortified if this had happened to her. However the other one.....water off a ducks back. My shy granddaughter would love to be called a chatterbox. It's not an insult, it's a term of endearment. Being called the class mouse is most certainly not.

fitnessforlife · 15/07/2015 20:35

Puppy and do you have a mouse? Wink

PuppyMonkey · 15/07/2015 20:37

I would not ever call my DD a mouse. Hmm

diddl · 15/07/2015 20:39

But really this is tantamount to bullying condoned by the teacher.

A (popular?) few have been allowed to label others as they see fit.

OPs daughter is upset by what has happened. That is how she feels and that mustn't be diminished.

soapboxqueen · 15/07/2015 20:41

Your experience Sweetgrape not mine.

Cherriesandapples · 15/07/2015 20:41

Class mouse is not complimentary! What a bunch of shits! Go and complain and tell your daughter that they are shits from shit steet and should get an award in being shit because they are really good at it!

fitnessforlife · 15/07/2015 20:41

Puppy it was meant tongue in cheek by the way, just to point out to those arguing that chatterbox is never meant nicely and 'mouse' is not a big deal.
I would quite happily call my DS a chatterbox (if he was) affectionately, i'd never call my quiet child a mouse.

sweetgrape · 15/07/2015 20:43

So are you saying Soapbox that you used to get called chatterbox and it's had an effect on you? Really?

soapboxqueen · 15/07/2015 20:44

Fitness I didn't say being called class mouse wasn't a big deal. I said being called chatterbox want nice either.

TendonQueen · 15/07/2015 20:44

Haven't read the whole thread, but I would be speaking to the head about condoned meanness on the part of these pupils, and about the teacher's poor judgement. I wouldn't care less if anyone thought I was making a fuss. This shouldn't happen.

cedricsneer · 15/07/2015 20:46

Haven't read the whole thread but I'm so sad for your daughter op. What an invalidating thing to be labelled. Those saying she should brush it off or that it isn't insulting may like to try some empathy.

fitnessforlife · 15/07/2015 20:51

Soapbox i didn't refer to anyone specifically. I was referring to all those who seem to be struggling to see what the big deal with it all is, but since you ask, can you really not see the difference between calling someone a 'chatterbox' and 'class mouse' people have explained it so eloquently, spineless, doormat, there is notation positive about it.

I also find it odd, that the poster who said she should laugh it off cannot see the irony in the supposed 'class mouse' laughing it off.

soapboxqueen · 15/07/2015 20:51

Sweetgrape again with the belittling of someone else's experiences. A whole thread about how bullying is bad but it's ok when it's done using words that other people have decided are OK.

And no, it wasn't just the use of the word chatterbox. It's was the sustained meaning behind it, over years and years.

And yes, it still does affect me today. It made and still makes me feel like I'm not worth listening to, that what I think and say doesn't matter and that people would rather not talk to me.

lastuseraccount123 · 15/07/2015 20:52

this sucks, poor kid.

-agree teacher should not have set ths situation up to happen

-but now it's happened I agree the kid needs support in building resilience, because, unfortunately, she is going to come across twats like this in life and authority figures/managers/bosses who don't take care of business.

ahbollocks · 15/07/2015 20:57

Little shits.
Yes it is mean, a mouse is bottom of the food chain, a wimp, a nuisance.

If that was my dd I would get a hold of her and tell her to go out into the world and prove the little fuckers wrong (those words).

Fyi very successful and clever comidean and writer mindy kaling was voted 'third most casual' in her high school class. Her advice is to be the wallflower, observe, learn.
Id really recommend her book for a struggling quiet teen.

diddl · 15/07/2015 20:57

I used to be called a chatterbox by my mum.

And I knew she loved me.

But also meant "give it a bloody rest for a bit!"

Wheredidiputthekeys · 15/07/2015 20:59

Your daughter felt insulted, and tbh, so would I. She wasn't told "Most likely to be successful". I had too many, a number of nicknames at school, and none were intended to improve my self esteem. Kids are mean, that is why adults intervene.

These bloody awards and yearbooks are a minefield. In my sons year 8 yearbook, they had to take out "Most likley to be pregnant underage".

These awards/yearbooks are in print. They need to monitored by staff, not the mean girls, or academic scholars excluded from mainschool classes because theyve finished their syllabus. Too easy to slide in something nasty.

YANBU, contact school, book an appointment, have a word with the head of year.

sweetgrape · 15/07/2015 21:01

I'm not belittling anyone's experiences Soapbox I'm not a mind reader, how would I know what you've been through. I've been through loads myself, but we aren't talking about ourselves are we. Fwiw I've never come across anyone who was
upset by being called a chatterbox, but it sounds like you're going way deeper than that. Can't we all. But on the whole there is no comparison to being called the class mouse or a chatter box.

LizzieVereker · 15/07/2015 22:20

I'm a secondary teacher and I think this should not have been allowed to happen. I think the teacher has allowed the Queen Bees to do this for an easy life, and he should have monitored it far better. Your DD has every right to feel insulted, but it sounds like she has a great attitude and good support from you OP. The teacher doesn't know that though as it sounds like he hasn't bothered to get to know her, so his lack of management could have sent a more vulnerable child into a real downward spiral. Your DD sounds like she's ready for 6th form, and I'll bet she'll flourish next year.

FWIW, I don't like "chatterbox" either; IMO it's often used as code for "vacuous", but I appreciate that other people might not mean it, or take it that way.

Ber2291 · 15/07/2015 22:26

I absolutely have had to deal with this kind of stuff and have teenage DCs myself. I am saying talk to her and acknowledge she feels but IME making a huge deal of it will make her feel much worse.

The reason I said about being one of the 'popular' girls was that I had an insulting award as well, they weren't just for 'unpopular' people.

People are idiots and I think teaching DC that some people are just idiots and try and forget them because they don't mean anything is good to try and do. Sorry if that came across like I meant to belittle your DD's feelings.

And yes sorry I was just referring to the award. The squeaking etc is very nasty and horrible for your DD. I just think at this age talking to teachers does nothing. All they can do is talk to the girls which will just make it worse.

Ber2291 · 15/07/2015 22:30

And I wasn't saying it's so easy to just brush it off I was saying that is a message to convey. They are wankers, who cares what they think any way. I didn't mean oh do pipe down and get over it.