To be annoyed about this school event?

[eliza1960]

My eldest DD (Year 11) is quite upset over something that happened at school. Her form group is full of very loud, strong characters and she is a quiet girl who just gets on with things. Out of school she is more outgoing, does drama/ theatre as a hobby but she can be quite shy around the louder girls at school.

This week the form teacher let the leaders of the form organise a prize giving for the end of year 11. DD says it's a group of the more popular girls who organised and led this event.

They presented every person with a certificate related to their personality/ interests. Things like 'chatterbox of the year', 'most caring', 'sports mad' etc. they called DD's name and presented her with her certificate of 'class mouse'. She said she felt embarrassed as the rest of the class were laughing at her as she went to get it and she felt it wasn't meant in a nice way. It was done in front of lots of people and I think she found it humiliating as it was done to mock her for being quiet.

She's been quite tearful about it which isn't like her. I think she's also disappointed as she would have liked a certificate to keep that reflected her true personality (something nice about her, like how friendly she is or her drama interests, which these girls did know about. )

I feel that they have done it to be mean, as every other student received a certificate that was something positive. Class mouse is not something she wanted to be remembered as and she has even binned the certificate. She says that some of the other students have been making fun of her since, shouting 'mouse' and making squeaking noises at her.

I feel that she's spent years building up her confidence and self esteem only to have it knocked by this silly event, which her teachers allowed to happen without supervising what these girls were saying about their peers. The form teacher was even in the room when this happened and let the others laugh at her without intervening.

AIBU to feel annoyed about this?

I think the difference between calling someone a chatterbox and mouse is that a chatterbox is acknowledging someone for what they actually do (talking) while calling someone a mouse is acknowledging someone for what they don't do. It kind of suggests these girls think Eliza's dd does nothing- just sits there quietly. It's almost like saying she's an unperson, an absence.

Eliza I really feel for your daughter. I hope you're reminding her of all the things she is.

I experienced something not quite the same but similarly humiliating when I was in year 6. The teacher was explaining the meaning of the word "taciturn" to the class. She finished by saying, "Put your hand up if you know someone in this class who's taciturn." The whole class, except me, put their hands up and looked at me, laughing (not necessarily unkindly, but in an oh, yeah kind of way). The teacher then said to me in surprise, "Do you not know you're taciturn?" Obviously I did know I was quiet, but I was too mortified to put my hand up.

There's nothing wrong with being quiet, but it's not nice to make a "thing" about someone being quiet.

Some of us don't have school age children. Instead of year 11 why not just say age 15 or whatever? It's fewer characters too, think of the time you'll save

I am glad that you dd is looking forward to a fresh start in 6th form and sorry that she had such a difficult end to year 11. I hope she finds confidence in being her quiet self.

Dd sounds lovely- I have one the same age and would be so upset for her if something like this happened. Tell her if she's a famous actress then they'll be the silly looking ones.

God this is depressing. They're far too old for that kind of spite. Your poor DD. And absolutely agree that teachers should monitor these things carefully. At DSs school one award was for The Girl with the Best Moustache, and a teacher joined in the laughter!

The most horrible thing about this story is that this lazy, inadequate excuse for a teacher is going off for a promotion.

To be honest I would be going to the Head with a complaint and wanting this incident placed on his file. How can someone with such a poor idea of how kids tick, take a management role in a school? It would be like Lord of the Flies.

Sympathies OP. I have a daughter very much like yours, quiet but secure with her own friends, does drama out if school, (and lights up the stage) and doesn't bother to brown nose the popular girls. She would be devastated by an incident like this.

Ber2291 I agree the OP should not make a huge deal of this and the best way forward is to help her dd but I do feel when things are done that it is better to be honest and bring things out into the open. The danger with not saying anything is that sometimes that can imply that it was OK for people to act that way. I do feel that because bullies get away with smaller things they may think they can get away with bigger things.

But ultimately the OP must do what she feels is right.

If her dd is still young or at home with her then in some ways she can still make decisions bout these things. Obviously, if her dd was an adult living elsewhere it might be different! I guess for me as the adult in the situation I would feel I could make decisions, although when things have come up with my much younger (10) dd I have asked her what would you like me to do, and then done it. Luckily, my dd is a bit gobby like me so has said say something to the teacher!

Good luck OK.

If she doesn't like it, she should say so. If she's Year 11 and her Mum is going to go to the school to complain about some mild ribbing, it kind of proves their point I think!

The teacher could have silenced these girls in class but I guess that would still have been their opinion. I guess all you can do is teach her how to work through negative criticism like this: examine it and find if there is any truth in it - no matter how painful that it is, if there was anything she could do to avoid it in the future or if in fact, the criticism is baseless and she can reject it.

YANBU

That's awful!

YANBU.

The school should have checked all the awards beforehand to make sure they're suitable. I think the school should be told about how your daughter feels so that a similar thing doesn't happen to anyone else.

FWIW, I think mice are really sweet, soft and gentle though...

"All you can do is work through any criticism and see if there is any truth in it..." What a genuinely lovely response to the situation.

I also agree this was a jibe and unkind. Your poor dd

When you said 'a group of the more popular girls organised and led the event' I just knew how your description of it would pan out .

My dd was perceived as similar at school. They did 'awards' like this too but not to everyone thankfully.

Tbh being quieter at school has meant she's gone under the radar many times except with one or two lovely teachers who have taken the trouble to get to know her.

And that's it in a nutshell. They called your dd the class mouse because it's just an assumption of who she is. Their loss tbh that they never got to know her better really.

My dd is just glad that school is now over.

I am VERY surprised that so many posters don't think the mouse category is derogatory. Of course it is. It's not nice. It's not meant nicely. It's not complimentary. It's nasty.

I too think it was just laziness on the teachers part, to allow this 'poplar' group of girls to do it - that's wrong for starters. And then the teacher not to run an eye over the certificates beforehand - just teacher laziness.

To give some context. A few years ago my DD had a falling out with the 'popular' gang. It started with them ignoring Her completely and went into ten girls in the changing rooms taking it in turns to have a go at her. The fall out when on for the whole school year. I was heartbroken for her and of course all I wanted to do was call the school, the parents and wring those girls necks. She went to school the day after it all happened and all wanted was to keep her at home on the sofa but I couldnt. It was torture. I tried to talk to her about it but make it clear that all of this won't matter one day. I didn't want to her to feel her life was over because of these stupid girls.

It's the popular girls who really need to look at themselves and what sort of people they are and not the op's dd who has done nothing wrong. Of course the popular girls never will. It'll be the op's dd tying herself in knots and the mean girls carrying on without a thought for how they've made her feel

Yanbu

The teacher should have checked, they may have been handing out all sorts of certificates

I wouldn't have complained but I would have told the school that I felt the teacher should have checked first

I would tell my child to brush it off and I would have said that the girls concerned were being unimaginative, ignorant, their vocabulary was lacking, they showed no empathy skills and were obviously completely selfish...and probably less polite stuff

And i wouldn't mind if the certificate said "quietist in class" (is that a word? It doesn't look right ) it's the class mouse I'd have a problem with

I'm not sure why anyone on here would think it was ok that their child was being compared to a rodent

School is the perfect place for this kind of meanness to flourish because in the main those in authority turn a blind eye or dismiss it as being nothing more than mild teasing or over sensitivity. They talk the talk about anti bullying, but they don't walk the walk and see this kind of thing as merely teen exuberance.

I have noticed that being reserved is not seen as a valued quality at school. Note the word 'reserved' instead of the usual (lazy and negative) default: shy. Quieter people may take a little more time, will not shout down others to be heard, do not ride roughshod and there is nothing at all wrong with that.

School can be very literal about what is perceived as bullying. Subtle, low level attrition that some teens specialise in day in day out, slowly chipping away at another goes largely unchecked, usually for years. Being called a fairly innocuous name at the end of year 11 for being quiet can't be taken in isolation. There will invariably have been other jibes over the years until eventually its death by a thousand cuts.

Away from school I am hopeful that there is less tolerance and more recourse for those who may be unlucky enough to find themselves on the end of such behaviour.

I know it can still go on, of course. Some people will always find a way to be horrible no matter where they are. But at least you have some rules on your side, have more freedom to leave, have the confidence hopefully to say something back and to feel supported if you do. School can be hellish for many people. And what amazes me are that so many teachers, who are supposedly experts in understanding teens, just seem so oblivious to this sort of scenario. Worse, they actually go along with it.

Thank you for all your lovely replies. I spoke to DD earlier and repeated some of the nice things you said.

She isn't surprised that the teacher didn't do anything. Apparently he's had a soft spot for this particular group of girls all year and they joke with him and give him nicknames I think I will pop in and speak with the Head of Year and perhaps he will think about the things he allows to go on in school.

I think this is the straw that has broken the camel's back for DD. she was bullied at school between the ages of 12 - 14 by a close friend of these girls. Although they didn't join in, they would sit on the same table and watch/ laugh. Unfortunately, some of their teachers at the time made the children sit in alphabetical order so she was always with them. It only stopped when I went to speak to the previous form teacher. She's been happy for the last 2 years, until this.

for anyone that's gone through a difficult time at school. Some of the stories you've shared on this thread are very sad.

Mellicauli

There is nothing wrong with being quiet and self contained. It is being called 'class mouse' that is the problem. Why should the OP's daughter 'look at herself' etc etc. She has done nothing wrong.

The problem here is a tactless insensitive teacher who enabled a situation where stupid thoughtless teenagers could upset a fellow pupil like this.

I don't agree with these type of things anyway.

We had a teacher organise something similar in school and even though there was no nastiness, pupils can read between the lines. If some classmates are being labelled 'most dynamic', 'most creative', 'best laugh', and then others are described as 'good at maths', 'always punctual' etc. offence is going to be taken.
They are insensitive and shouldn't happen.

Whilst I do agree that what happened to your dd was mean and intended that way and also that the teacher should have prevented it, I don't really think anything will be achieved by going in.

What exactly do you want tangibly from going in? I really don't think the teacher's entire personality/teaching style is going to change unfortunately. I think your dd would do better to accept that in this world, there are people who are nasty to others and that they need to be avoided/managed. It is actually really important and not an obvious thing to learn for adulthood. I know she has been bullied as a child but actually there are plenty of adult bullies around. People get bullied by their bosses, by other mums in the playground etc.

YANBU. The teacher showed very poor judgement and inadequate supervision that led to bullying. Did he witness these awards?
I'd email him with an unemotional complaint about what happened and expect a reply.

Not always the case, but teacher friends say the ones who end up as Heads are often the ones with the least talent for teaching. Sounds like the case with him.

And unless she looks at herself, how does she know if she's done nothing wrong? If I get negative feedback, I would always look for a grain of truth, no matter how ridiculous the criticism. How else am I going to become a better person?

In a group situation you do have to expend effort in terms of communication to make everything work harmoniously. Maybe they don't feel she's pulling her weight.

Calling someone who's quiet and reserved a 'mouse' to their face is not 'feedback'. It's nasty. I cannot believe you are condoning that kind of thing. Perhaps it's you who should be looking at yourself.