To be annoyed about this school event?

[eliza1960]

My eldest DD (Year 11) is quite upset over something that happened at school. Her form group is full of very loud, strong characters and she is a quiet girl who just gets on with things. Out of school she is more outgoing, does drama/ theatre as a hobby but she can be quite shy around the louder girls at school.

This week the form teacher let the leaders of the form organise a prize giving for the end of year 11. DD says it's a group of the more popular girls who organised and led this event.

They presented every person with a certificate related to their personality/ interests. Things like 'chatterbox of the year', 'most caring', 'sports mad' etc. they called DD's name and presented her with her certificate of 'class mouse'. She said she felt embarrassed as the rest of the class were laughing at her as she went to get it and she felt it wasn't meant in a nice way. It was done in front of lots of people and I think she found it humiliating as it was done to mock her for being quiet.

She's been quite tearful about it which isn't like her. I think she's also disappointed as she would have liked a certificate to keep that reflected her true personality (something nice about her, like how friendly she is or her drama interests, which these girls did know about. )

I feel that they have done it to be mean, as every other student received a certificate that was something positive. Class mouse is not something she wanted to be remembered as and she has even binned the certificate. She says that some of the other students have been making fun of her since, shouting 'mouse' and making squeaking noises at her.

I feel that she's spent years building up her confidence and self esteem only to have it knocked by this silly event, which her teachers allowed to happen without supervising what these girls were saying about their peers. The form teacher was even in the room when this happened and let the others laugh at her without intervening.

AIBU to feel annoyed about this?

If they wanted to give her a title that reflected a quiet, gentle, thoughtful personality there are much nicer expressions than 'class mouse'. They were, at best, a bit dense and at worst, downright nasty.

Oh dear god do not go and see the head as previous posters have suggested, that would be an utter overreaction.

Bad judgement on the part of the form teacher. If it was just a class thing, not a year thing, then a quick email to the tutor suggesting they should be checked in future years would be appropriate. If it was a year-wide thing, then email the year head. It's the sort of thing that should be obvious but could easily be overlooked in a busy end of term.

That's really nasty. I'd complain.

As a teacher of 11-18 year olds, and a KS4 form tutor, I agree with Nurserywindow. That is a ridiculous label to give someone, and I would never go along with an instruction from 'above' to effectively humiliate a student. I can understand that your DD doesn't want you to say anything, but I think it's important that this is stopped for future years.

Good luck & tell us how you get on

I used to run a youth group with young people of this age. I'd definitely oversee something like this to make sure no one was upset. I certainly would take the kids to task if they upset someone. Something like this can be very powerful in a good or a bad way. Op, whatever you choose to do I hope your dd uses this as motivation to show those bitchy girls what she's made of. It's a horrible thing to do.

What a stupid idea these awards were. This was something waiting to happen and the teacher should have realised that. He should get prize prat award of the year.

What is now happening (the mouse jokes/noises) sounds to me like bullying and as such surely the school has an anti bullying policy......

Dont forget that the mouse always floors the elephant. And is the best character in the Gruffalo!

DD witnessed the "popular girls" deciding on award titles for prom night.
best eyebrows and most popular were a couple devised and awarded to themselves. Worst selfie to a beautiful girl who takes great pictures, all designed to award their followers and belittle others.
Teachers however checked and redid them.
DD said it was fascinating to watch and said so much more about those girls than it did the unlucky recipients.
If dd was leaving I would bring it up but potentially not as she is staying.

Yanbu, but as difficult as it is I shouldn't worry about it.

She's staying on for sixth form and I guarantee you that in 6 years time at least half of the popular girls will be wishing they had the class mouse award and the career options your daughter will.

It's shit now, but tell her to rest assured she will be the winner in the long run.

I wasn't class mouse, but I was part of a group of more studious kids who took some stick from the noisier crowd. Funny how many of the noisier kids that stayed on for sixth form were begging me to be their friend when they were abandoned by the rest of the cool kids who couldn't do 6th form. She'll be the winner in the end of this.

I can't believe that a teacher didn't hear alarm bells going off as soon as this idea was presented to him. Any half intelligent adult would guess that this wasn't going to work out too well. And I'd be fairly sure that your daughter wasn't the only one upset or dismayed by the characteristic presented as their 'key feature' by this bunch of silly, tactless girls.

I would definitely mention it to the school, so that it isn't repeated.

At the end of my sixth form there were similar certificates given out, I'm glad that I wasn't 'least likely to lose their virginity', it was a laugh but only your DD knows how her certificate was intended.

"Mouse" is clearly an insult. They were being snide.

Its so not a small thing. at all! Its inappropriate and unprofessional. her form teacher sounds like a wanker too.

I would mention it, and almost write like its a work event type complaint, i.e. keep it business-like

for example:

end of term prize giving is a great idea :-) what a wonderful year it has been (bla bla bla)

But would prefer it has been arranged by a professional with a more balanced and unbiased view rather than a group of teenagers with a natural bias to favouring their friends and a lack of tact

That the year has been wonderful, and its a crying shame that its been marred by having your DD referred to as a small mammal in a public event

That you strongly advise that in the future a more professional,egalitarian and accomplishment focussed method is introduced, such that everyone is valued

Ideally should be led by the school as opposed to by the more "friendship led bias of a group of teenage girls

fucking outrageous, so sorry OP

I can think of worse things to be called than class mouse

I don't doubt that your DD is upset by this, OP, but perhaps it's worth a conversation with her about how sometimes others perceive us in different ways to how we see herself. If she is really really bothered by it, maybe she needs to work on being a bit more assertive

I do sometimes wonder why we want children to accept something that would NEVER be accepted in the workplace? Like bullying for example, and this!

Sorry but Mountain and Molehill come to mind.

You've already said that DD is a "quiet girl" - the class have obviously picked up on this and I really don't think that any malice was intended.

By talking about seeing the teacher you are reinforcing to DD that this is a big issue.

It isn't.

Encourage DD to shrug it off - she will face much worse in life.

hmmm, you say she is shy around these girls but outgoing with others .... so she doesn't actually like them very much...?

I think the award should have read 'best judge of character'. And the teacher is a complete prat, maybe she'd noticed that before as well.

Firstly yanbu, the teacher sounds like she should have managed it better and even if you don't 'complain' I would give the teacher a call and tell her what's happened so she could manage it better in the future (or the head of year if you think a better point of contact?)
More importantly your dd sounds lovely, and I suspect while these popular girls will likely be the ones who continue to worry about their popularity and appearance, your dd will look back in five years time and this will be sad, but she'll be moving on, doing all the things she dreams of now. I taught secondary school pre dc, and am always pleased to bump into ex pupils especially the diligent ones who are doing exciting things, one of them was even training to be a midwife when I had dc1, and was with me for the first part of my induction!

Class mouse is definitely meant meanly. As someone who could see herself being given that award in school I definitely would have taken it badly. I can only assume people who think it might be nice are either very optimistic or where never in any danger of such an award

These kind of things often involve silly stuff. I can see why she is upset and yes the teacher perhaps should have checked what they were planning. I think though there is little to be gained by complaining. At age 16 she does need to start toughening up a bit. Binning it and treating it with contempt is probably the best reaction. it will soon be forgotten.

I agree that the teacher should have vetted the awards first. However, it sounds like some of these were tongue in cheek descriptions. There's a chance the teacher had seen them and took them as friendly rather than nasty.

Chatterbox may sound nicer to some but I think it's horrible. A label often levelled at me which I hate.

It may be that the girls asked an adult "what do you call someone who is always quiet in class?" and they replied "ooh we used to say class mouse when I was at school". No major right process. Just a description. If she truly is that quiet and reserved they may have struggled to think of something for her.

If your dd doesn't want you to pursue it then I think you need to respect that.

Op while your DD may be a good actress she clearly does t have very strong self esteem ??? the OP has said she is quiet and shy, low self esteem is usually part and parcel of that.
What self esteem she did have has been destroyed by these popular girls being given free reign to indulge in their bullying. It was given as an insult and any quiet shy person would be floored by remarks like that. People who are shy don't usually enjoy it. A teacher with an ounce of sense would not allow this to happen. There's enough bullying going on in schools as it is without thoughtless, clueless teachers adding to it.

Well as the the other girls in her class are now using that 'title' to make fun over her, then it was clearly asn insult AND is now an easy way out to make fun of her (If that was OK to do when giving prizes and in front of the whole class, surely it's OK to do at any other time right?).

I think that's crap.

I would also go and have a word with the tutor (I'm guessing that he/she won't be her form tutor next year?) even if your dd says not to do so.
She is shy, doesn't like to make a fuss so of course she won't like that idea. BUT she also needs you to stand up to her.

Will the 'loud' girls be in her form again next year? What do you think the consequences will be for her next year, ie will she carry on being teased and laugh at for being 'the quiet mouse of the class'? Id yes then please go and see the form tutor and maybe the heaad if there is no follow on between Y11 and 6th form.