AIBU to tell people 'house rules' before they come & stay?

[MirandaGoshawk]

I want them to enjoy their stay and I want to enjoy having them, but am a bit anal about some things - three spring to mind that have been a problem in the past:

1. The (newish) carpet in the bedroom - I can't bear outdoor shoes in there. Wet mud was dragged through
2. Putting the loo seat down. We can see through to the downstairs loo when eating in the kitchen and it drives me nuts if the seat is up. My lot are trained but visitors do it.
3. Putting mugs down on the polished dining table when there are coasters available which has also happened in the past.

So WIBU to tell them by email or phone before they come? Or should I wait until they get here? Make it a House Rules thing or just an off-hand request to the adults? Or not say anything and just seethe?

I don't want to get into the whys and wherefores of shoes off/on or loo seat up/down as they have been done to death on MN & they are a matter of preference, it's just whether or how I say anything.

TIA

Found it!

x-post!

It would be so grim to be eating my dinner staring at the toilet, probably thinking about using it later and having your rules about the seat in mind. It would put me off my dinner, as I would be thinking about defecating afterwards.

Agree with the carpet thing but people tend to look at your feet and if you have no shoes on they take theirs off. If they don't then I do politely mention it. Toilet door just check it is shut before you sit down and get over it. Put drinks on coasters and if they don't use them remind them nicely. When people come to stay at our house we do say we have some house rules but they all involve our just turned 3 year old who has no fear of dangers. Basically no leaving the front door unlocked even for a second as he can open it and get out. No opening windows unless you are sitting directly by the window at all times as he gets out of windows too (upstairs and downstairs).

Putting the loo seat down. We can see through to the downstairs loo when eating in the kitchen and it drives me nuts if the seat is up. My lot are trained but visitors do it.

Weird that someone so anal is prepared to look at a toilet when they're eating. Revolutionary idea, but why not keep the bathroom door closed?

The problem is these things - coaster and toilet seat in particular - are very minor. If I got an email with house rules like:

1. Don't smoke in bed and roll around in the ashes
2. Don't poo in the oven
3. Don't walk around singing One Direction songs

I'd be thinking wow, they've had some bad guests, poor things, fair enough. But if I got an email from you with coaster requests, I wouldn't be thinking what horrible bastard failed to use a coaster previously, I'd be thinking that you have a very low tolerance level for things that bother you. And I'd be very very on edge as your guest.

I'd love an email setting out house rules. Everyone has different expectations and sometimes it's not easy to work them out, resulting in awkwardness. It would be great to have some guidelines - shoes/no shoes, help yourself to tea/wait to be offered, small talk/no small talk, telly on /telly off.

This has made me realise I have finally turned into Amy Farrah Fowler.

Putting the loo seat down. We can see through to the downstairs loo when eating in the kitchen and it drives me nuts if the seat is up

Solution = sit on the other side of the table, so you have a different view

I don't like your visitors. Terrible manners.

1. Buy them some cheap slippers and give them on arrival 'so you can make yourself at home'. Then hide their shoes until they leave.
2. Get a door-closer thingy.
3. Put out big place mat/ trivets instead of/as well as coasters.

Good luck.

OP are you ever coming back?

nurserywidow it really isn't as easy as "just fit a spring thing" - but it's far too dull to discuss here.

I think it depends who they are, how well you know them and what sort of relationship you have with them. Also how you put it. You can do it in a friendly way and that won't be so bad or you can come across really badly. You'd need to write the email well.

Or you could compromise - accept that the loo seat thing is a peculiarity of yours (we all have them!) but in no way harmful to anyone and just let it go, while saying sorry, no shoes in the house, here is where you can leave them, here are some slippers if you want them... and making a point of saying "here's your coffee and here's your coaster" maybe making a joke about the last person to not use a coaster is buried at the bottom of your garden.

Or buy those cups with an integrated coaster. I am sure I saw them somewhere.

OP is too busy emailing her prospective guest about her dislike of people wearing red jumpers, pronouncing 'scone' incorrectly and leaning too heavily on pillows when they're asleep to come back to the thread.

OP we used to have one. We just drilled a hole about 2-3 cm deep and then screwed it in. Then the door just automatically closes after anyone has entered or exited the room.

Much simpler than hoping people will remember to put the seat down.

We fitted a door closer to our loo. We live in a town house and it was the first thing you saw as you walked up the stairs to the kitchen and living room. It's great, no more nagging DH to close the door. Whether it is an easy job or not entirely depends on how good you are at DIY and what type of closer you choose.

Oh and yes YABU to send out rules in advance, if these things really distress you that much, use some of the ways other posters have described to make your requests politely and reasonably.

nursery when you said "we" I assume you meant "someone"

Yes, as smurf says it depends how good at DIY you are. And fitting the wrong one can make you fall foul of other buiding regs. And they aren't ideal with small children in the house either - finger trapping - especially at the hinge edge - can be a problem if the closer is either not adjustable or adjusted incorrectly

Just close the blinkin door!

1. plenty of houses are "no shoes indoors" houses so that's not a problem. They should notice when they arrive or you could just say "sorry do you mind removing your shoes..." if they look as though they haven't noticed when they come in.

2. surely whether the loo seat is up or down is irrelevant. Just shut the bathroom door. As someone else suggested -fit a door closer if you must.

3. put an oil cloth table cloth on then you won't be madly pushing coasters at everyone who does within 5 metres of the dining table with a glass in their hand

OK, OK, I get the message - I won't mention it in the email .

Thank you.

I should say, these are people who are coming soon. They visited us before and they are the culprits of both the mark on the table and the mud on the carpet (both were the adults, not the dch!). We've had other people stay who didn't do theses things.

Re the loo seat, it's a dark house and so we tend to leave the doors open to let light in from the cloakroom window, which is across the hall from the kitchen, otherwise it feels claustrophobic.

I don't agree that leaving the loo seat up is 'harmless'. Apparently when you flush, water with urine droplets (or worse!) is thrown up to six feet away and gets onto towels, toothbrushes etc .

Way OTT I'm afraid. I would just mention on arrival about the new carpet and outdoor shoes but it would be very rude and ott to tell them to put down the toilet seat. I'd be pretty annoyed and embarrassed if you said that to me. As for coasters, just keep an eye the first time they have a hot drink in their hand and if they go to put it down without one, just intervene and say 'oh, I've some coasters here, that table us a little delicate'. They will get the message. Beyond that, they are guests. And should have some sense of how to behave but will make mistakes as they don't know your rules but that is part of having guests to stay.

Dear MirandaGoshawk

At the risk of being the laughing stock of my RL friends here, I get it. I have myriad rules in my head some of which end up being expressed in a passive aggressive way (like with the coasters - BIL I am looking at you) but which can't be articulated out loud (or in writing) because of the mortal shame at admitting them which may mean I end up being perceived as very laid back but actually it's just because there is a modicum of insight into how they might be taken if voiced. Don't email. Just seethe inwardly and retire early to read a book.

Hope you have a good time!

You can ask them politely to take shoes off when in the bedroom, explaining you're trying to keep carpet look as good as possible. My friends always take their shoes off but all the family usually leave them on (and yes traipse mud over the carpets).

Toilet seat, I suppose you can get around this and close the door if someone's left it open, that way you can't see the toilet seat.

If they put a mug down, just put a coaster underneath and say you hope they don't mind but you're just trying to keep the table looking nice. If you're lucky they might use the coasters in the first place!

YANBU, it makes it clear in advance that I would not want to stay with you in case I made one of those or another faux pas.

Shows potential guests that they should book into a hotel and you can all relax.