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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can i just check that ainbu

268 replies

Balacqua · 13/07/2015 20:56

A family member has broken something valuable of another ones.

Of course the person who broke it should either sort it out getting fixed, pronto, or go without to come up with the cash to replace it? Right? No matter how expensive it was? No excuses?

Feel like I'm slightly losing my marbles here!

OP posts:

Lweji · 14/07/2015 12:36

I didn't want to get to the stale mate of 'well I'll just use my savings and go anyway'

It's not a stale mate. It would mean he would bear the cost himself, instead of relying on you.

Spartans · 14/07/2015 12:36

He is really looking forward to it? Well that's different

Original poster

Balacqua · 14/07/2015 12:37

And look, really, I just couldn't categorise this in the domestic violence category- honestly I wouldn't

OP posts:

OurDearLeader · 14/07/2015 12:37

He has bongos? Cancel the trip now. If he turns into the sort of person who plays bongos and goes travelling he will be the most tedious person ever. If you cancel the trip and take away his bongos then you will be doing society a great service.

Lweji · 14/07/2015 12:39

You wouldn't. It doesn't mean it isn't.

00100001 · 14/07/2015 12:40

Well he shouldn't be such a shit and break something that isn't his - doens't matter if its "pointless bourgeois materialism" or not.

If he's so vehement about 'Poinless materialism; maybe take his phone off him, or his ipod or whatever the expensive thing in his life is.

OurDearLeader · 14/07/2015 12:40

Bongos are the worst thing ever and ruin great parties. Everybody is talking and listening to music having a great time and then suddenly a couple of cunts crack out the bongos and everything else is drowned out and the fun just stops and is replaced with bongos. All bongos should be burnt. And I'm just shy of being convinced the same should happen to bongo players.

Original poster

Balacqua · 14/07/2015 12:41

He does indeed have bongos and a didgeridoo but he thinks it's too big to take on the bus!
But this is the point isn't it- he broke my thing and part of the debate has been... is it as important as his well being at uni... And we'll, I'm sorry if this sounds terribly selfish and bourgeois, but I think it is. I just don't want to sacrifice it to yet another family need, if you see what I mean. and no I won't be bailing him out as he will be working part time!

OP posts:

Spartans · 14/07/2015 12:43

Wether it's domestic violence or not. How would you feel if he did this to his partner when he is older.

Personally I find the whole having to replace something you have broken, not a punishment. It's what adults do. He isn't really facing any consequences. His uni savings are down £500 and when he needs money he will ask his mummy. So no consequences.

Original poster

Balacqua · 14/07/2015 12:44

I loved that bloody horn decanter, I really did, as much for the wine and the look as the good memories... It meant a lot to me

OP posts:

OurDearLeader · 14/07/2015 12:45

You think your decanter is as important as his wellbeing? I'm surprised he hasn't smashed your entire crystal cabinet.

However he is still an insufferable twunt if he has bongos AND a didgeree don't.

00100001 · 14/07/2015 12:45

I love how you say you "won't be bailing him out" but have said quite a few times that you're a softie. (and shown that you are, by going back on the £500 thing)

I give it three months into Uni life and you'll get a phone call along the lines of this:

DS: "Muuuuum, I need some money for food, I haven't got any left I drank it all"

You: "Aww, sweetie, of course, here's have £200. I couldn't have my precious little prince go hungry"

DS: "Lads, shall we go down the to bar tonight? Mum just gave me £200!"

Sounds like your DS needs to grow up and act like a man. He is EIGHTEEN, no Eight!

Spartans · 14/07/2015 12:45

So when he calls you that hebisnoit of money, or the rainy day has happened and he can't afford food/rent/travel home...you won't help him? Do you really believe that?

Original poster

Balacqua · 14/07/2015 12:46

I would be horrified if he did this again... Indeed I'm horrified he did it full stop. But this is not a feature of our relationship- we have a very placid relationship in general and I've never known him to get so worked up .... If it's a one off I'm sure it's not abuse, surely?

OP posts:

00100001 · 14/07/2015 12:47

Spartans of course she won't, if she can't be firm with this trip just because "he has been looking forward to the trip all year- been practising his bongos and creating whacky outfits- "

There is NO WAY on this planet she would be firm enough to say "No" when the begging text comes through for food

Original poster

Balacqua · 14/07/2015 12:51

I always find the use of 'she' rather rude... As though I'm clearly not reading it! Rather hurtful actually. He is quite good at managing his money and he has a good part time income so I think he will be ok.

OP posts:

00100001 · 14/07/2015 12:51

"I would be horrified if he did this again... Indeed I'm horrified he did it full stop. "
So horrified you still giving him £500 to go on a holiday and not really punishing him in any way.

If this was your husband, or any other man (He IS a man, he is 18) you would be way more pissed off.

"But this is not a feature of our relationship- we have a very placid relationship in general and I've never known him to get so worked up .... If it's a one off I'm sure it's not abuse, surely?"

Well, unfortunately for you, he has revealed his true colours:

He doesn't give a shiny-shit about your possessions, and indeed fails to understand why something might be important to you.
He throws his weight around to get his own way
He knows he can worm his way into his Mum's heart by being a smarmy git, and she'll just give in and give him whatever he wants.

Sorry, but your son is being a dick atm.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 14/07/2015 12:52

Delighted he has agreed to buy you another decanter and that the issue has been sorted.

All that said however, some of the decanters on the site that NeedsASock linked to are phallic and really ugly...can you not pick something else nicer to decant your beverages into???

WankerDeAsalWipe · 14/07/2015 12:52

I think the punishment needs to fit the crime and the age of the perpetrator. If he was 2, he'd get a stern talking to, at 4 he'd get a good talking to and removal of privilege, if he was 10, a talking to, removal of privilege and expectation of some kind of recompense even if that was chores or something, at 14, the expectation of paying it back over time, full apology but no loss of holiday. At 18, he's an adult so he should pay for it to be replaced and no reward of £500.

Spartans · 14/07/2015 12:52

001

Op but if he did do it again to his partner would you be ok with it as long as he replaced?

Original poster

Balacqua · 14/07/2015 12:53

(He's anti capitalist so really doesn't spend much - he drinks water at parties and makes his own clothes, bless, and doesn't even have a new phone)

OP posts:

00100001 · 14/07/2015 12:53

"I always find the use of 'she' rather rude... As though I'm clearly not reading it! Rather hurtful actually.""

Err but you call your son He...?

"He is quite good at managing his money and he has a good part time income so I think he will be ok."

Sure. OK. We'll see.
Why isn't he using his own money for this trip then if he's so great at managing money?? Why is an 18 year old man relying on his mother to fund a lifestyle?

00100001 · 14/07/2015 12:54

"(He's anti capitalist so really doesn't spend much - he drinks water at parties and makes his own clothes, bless, and doesn't even have a new phone)"

Mmhmm. What phone does he your son have?

Twinkie1 · 14/07/2015 12:55

It'd be criminal damage if he did it anywhere else so the very least he can do is pay for it.

Original poster

Balacqua · 14/07/2015 12:55

No I wouldn't be OK. Which is why we will have more of a conversation this evening about how acts of violence like that are intimidating and deeply wrong.

OP posts:

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