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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can i just check that ainbu

268 replies

Balacqua · 13/07/2015 20:56

A family member has broken something valuable of another ones.

Of course the person who broke it should either sort it out getting fixed, pronto, or go without to come up with the cash to replace it? Right? No matter how expensive it was? No excuses?

Feel like I'm slightly losing my marbles here!

OP posts:
Lweji · 14/07/2015 10:14

Apart from having not done anything like this in my youth, we certainly learn from our mistakes.
What is he learning from this?

Icimoi · 14/07/2015 10:18

Tell him £500 is also pointless bourgeois materialism so he won't miss it.

Moreisnnogedag · 14/07/2015 10:27

No I have never purposefully broken/smashed something belonging to someone else (or myself for that matter). It's not just that he broke it but that he argued the toss afterwards to really hammer home his disrespect.

If he was my son, I'd be telling him he could escape all bourgeois trapping by sleeping in the barn.

Lweji · 14/07/2015 10:27

You could write a cheque with that amount and then rip it to pieces.

RandomFriend · 14/07/2015 10:28

Throwing stuff about is nasty behaviour. Is he going to do things like this if he lives with a partner?

SabrinnaOfDystopia · 14/07/2015 10:37

^ ds 18 took an argument about the older generation screwing over the younger generation too far over Sunday lunch and when I very mildly pointed out that he would be in receipt of all my worldly goods he lobbed my riedel crystal decanter- honestly- through the patio doors... And he now claims that kind of pointless bourgeois materialism is what got his generation into the mess it's in.
Sigh.^

Grin Sorry but that is just too funny OP (Prob not to you at the time - but v funny written down) I can just imagine this earnest young man losing it with the bourgeois older generation, and their materialistic trappings and chucking a bourgeois decanter to make his point. Of course, he's ultra critical of your "materialism" until it comes to borrowing money, eh OP? Wink

YANBU.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 14/07/2015 10:49

Balacqua - I so think you should show your ds LadyLikeCough's post - it sums it up perfectly.

On a practical level, I would suggest you sit him down today, and ask him how he plans to replace your decanter. You could suggest some options to him - he misses the holiday, or he sells some of his bourgeois possessions, or maybe he gets a paper round/holiday job and repays you out of his earnings.

Make it clear he must replace the decanter, but give him the responsibility of deciding how to do it.

MrsJorahMormont · 14/07/2015 11:00

OP I think Riedel are going to do very well out of this thread. I've just been browsing through the crystal Christmas ornaments Blush

Apatite1 · 14/07/2015 11:14

Bet he's being all sorry and lovey dovey so he can go on his Painted Winnebago Jolly. Don't let him get away with it OP! That was truly disgraceful and frankly embarrassing behaviour from an 18 year old.

OurDearLeader · 14/07/2015 11:30

Sorry, I'm lolling at the idea of someone rocking up at a police station demanding their child is arrested for breaking their decanter. Some people don't live in the real world, don't you think the police have better things to do?

Lweji · 14/07/2015 11:42

It could well be considered domestic violence.

Don't you think it goes under criminal damage?

I do think the police should give it due importance.

And it's not a "child", it's an 18 year old adult.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 14/07/2015 11:47

It's not just that he broke it but that he argued the toss afterwards to really hammer home his disrespect

This - especially when taken together with his non-apology, suggesting that he was sorry OP was upset rather than being horrified at what he'd done

The thing I can't get over are all the recommendations for what OP could suggest to put things right

Isn't that up to him?? Hmm

WankerDeAsalWipe · 14/07/2015 12:21

taking the value of the object and whether he knew how much it was worth completely aside, I would not be giving him the money just for being an arsehole - tell him to go earn it himself or borrow it from someone and pay it back.

Total lack of respect and poor behavior wouldn't be rewarded in my book.

Original poster
Balacqua · 14/07/2015 12:29

Morning all. It was the horn decanter! But an earlier incarnation so not quite the one they show but jolly close. I feel I must spread the joys of decanting... Just immeasurablely improves the taste- aeration and all that. Anyway. We have agreed the following. He will pay for it out of his savings (for a rainy day at uni but I would say this is his rainy day) and I will buy a new one - and I will still pay for his holiday. He is sorry he broke it, and sees the need to cough up, and all is well in the house. I think he got my point and others made on this thread!

OP posts:
OurDearLeader · 14/07/2015 12:29

Jesus Lweji, if you went into a police station and demanded your child was arrested for breaking a decanter when you were arguing about politics you'd be laughed out of the place. It actually makes me angry when I see this on Mumsnet as it happens fairly regularly. Bloody middle class people with little real experience of actual crime demanding the police get involved with trivial petty incidents. It's hard enough for victims of genuine domestic violence to get police to do something without having Mumsnetters clogging up police stations whinging about broken decanters.

WankerDeAsalWipe · 14/07/2015 12:30

In fact having read more, I wouldn't be giving him the money for the trip and I'd be expecting him to replace the decanter.

The replacing of the decanter is restorative justice that should come from him, not from the money you were going to give him.

Not giving him the money is punishment for his behavior.

But then I am strict.

Original poster
Balacqua · 14/07/2015 12:32

To be clear- he will pay, I will choose which one and I'm rather liking the look of the mamba decanter- and I will still give him the 500 spending money.

OP posts:
TwinPiques · 14/07/2015 12:32

How you will all laugh about this when he's the managing director of Waterford Crystal...

WankerDeAsalWipe · 14/07/2015 12:32

Ah, I see you have updated OP - I'd be getting him to dig into those savings twice I'm afraid . I'd put the £500 I was going to give him for the holiday aside and if he smartened up his act at a later date, I'd add it back into his savings.

Lweji · 14/07/2015 12:33

OurDearLeader

That is the type of reasoning that makes it difficult for women to report domestic violence.

He purposely damaged his mother's belongings. Not his. If it was a stranger, would you report him? Relationship is irrelevant.

Lweji · 14/07/2015 12:34

(not that I would necessarily want him reported to the police. Only if he refused to pay for it)

Original poster
Balacqua · 14/07/2015 12:35

I know I'm a bloody softie but he has been looking forward to the trip all year- been practicing his bongos and creating whacky outfits- and I didn't want to get to the stale mate of 'well I'll just use my savings and go anyway'

OP posts:
Spartans · 14/07/2015 12:35

And does he understand how ridiculous he is moaning whilst expectimg money from you?

So he is taking it out of his uni fund? And what if he needs it at uni and doesn't have it? Who will bail him out? You?

OurDearLeader · 14/07/2015 12:35

You don't need a decanter to decant. Use an old glass pop bottle, same thing and your kid won't starve at uni for the sake of your wine being aereated.

I have to say I do rather think you are actually rather proving the point he was making. He's having to save to have a decent education and you're worrying about an unnecessary and expensive bauble which makes you wine taste a fraction better. He does have a point.

pinkyredrose · 14/07/2015 12:36

He reminds me of 'Student Grant' from Viz!