To think that children do care about living in a very messy house?

[bakingmadmum]

A friend of mine put one of those quote thingies on FB today. It is about how the house is messy,because she is spending time with the children,and the children won't care because when they grow up, they will remember the memories, and not the state of the house.

Now, while I largely agree with this, the friend in question has a very, very messy house, bordering on dirty. I am not judging her for this- she has two small children, a large dog, and her husband is a lazy fucking manchild not much help. I know (because she has told me) that the state of the house annoys her. They can't use the kitchen table because it is snowed under, the children are in the same bedroom because the other one is full of junk... They can't use the garden because it is too dangerous. The husband keeps all his hoard of tools and equipment out there, even though they get rained on and rusty.

The thing is, my mum was raised in a similar household. She often talks about how, even as a small child, she was mortified and refused to bring friends over, as she couldn't bear them to see the house. Dirty nappies on the floor for days, the dining room covered in oil because that is where the bikes/junk was thrown, etc. She once visited a friend's house- the family wasn't rich, very solid working class- and thinking they were living in the lap of luxury, because their curtains were clean. She was about 11, and was genuinely baffled- how did they keep them so clean?

Mum has gone the other way now- she is a total clean freak, to the point where it caused massive rows at times, when I was a teen. She couldn't cope with what was, in hindsight, natural teen messiness. Things like a bit of toothpaste on the sink. It was like walking on eggshells for all of us. She has calmed down a bit now, thankfully.

Anyway, I feel a bit sorry for my friend and her children. The kids can't use the table for crafts, or homework, or family dinners, they can't go and play in their own garden. I can't help but feel that this will start to effect them when they get older, despite my friend's denial.

I can't stay on top of my house whilst giving enough to my dc. I just don't know how I could and it's always a tip. I assign the kids jobs, I do dishwasher and at least a load of laundry every morning and then a lot of my time seems to revolve around making meals and clearing them away again, so the kitchen gets cleaned about three times a day. I hoover when I can - sometimes daily, sometimes it could be three days but upstairs hardly ever gets hoovered. I do get ds to do it sometimes (he's nearly 8).

In between all that I home educate ds, do school runs for his sister, look after two preschoolers including a breastfed baby. I play games with them, do craft activities, read stories, all the usual. I don't know how I could keep on top of the house without sacrificing some of that quality time and attention. I do get them involved as much as I can but don't want that to be their life every day! Plus we are often out all day, especially at home ed activities and if we are home I want to be able to allow them to play freely and creatively without worrying about the mess they're making.

I don't think my kids notice the house but they are young. I notice it and I don't like it but I do tell myself that I can't do everything and that there are more important things in life. I know they could make better use of toys etc if it were tidier but I just can't do it.

I never have the house to myself and I don't really get an evening as I'm with the baby. That will change as she gets bigger, I hope!

I don't get all the angst over housekeeping. I am a slightly rubbish parent (don't do anything that could be described as 'parenting') and an even worse housewife. Our house is generally a bit of a tip and if the DCs want it tidied, they are expected to muck in. I certainly don't see it as my job to keep the house tidy / organised. It makes far more sense for me to outsource anything vaguely domestic and do something I am actually good at instead.

Our house is generally a bit of a tip and if the DCs want it tidied, they are expected to muck in

I really disagree with this. You are the parent....children can carry out age appropriate chores but the buck stops with you!

Yanbu.

I didn't care that my house was filthy as a child until I started to invite friends over, who weren't actually very nice in hindsight, who would then tell everyone at school how dirty my house was and how dirty, by extension, I was.

And actually, I was the smelly kid. You can't smell nice when your mum doesn't wash your clothes or if she does bother, they then get left on her bedroom floor for the dog to piss on.

As a result I make sure our house is clean, 100% of the time. It may not be tidy all the time, but it's always clean

notquiteruralbliss You sound like my kind of person. I totally agree with you.

Ostentatious that's very sad to read, the person I wrote about up thread had a similar thing. He had done his own washing from secondary school onwards because of his parents neglect.

I don't see housekeeping as 'housewife' stuff. I just see it as something that needs to be done by the adults living in the house.

Sometimes the DC ask me to play or read to them and I do it. Sometimes they ask me to play or read to them and I say 'no, I can't, because I have to clean the bathroom'. I feel they benefit from a clean house as well as benefiting from reading, so it is fine to sometimes put the cleaning first, just as it is fine to sometimes put the reading first.

Hi everyone,
INCREDIBLY busy night tonight so sorry for the delay, but we've hopped onto FB and hidden that thread for you. We've no desire to make any of you feel uncomfortable, and apologise if we've done so.

The buck for

Sorry. Meant to say that I think the buck for organising house care falls on whichever adult spends most time in the home.

It's about finding a balance between a house that's a complete tip and house that's like a sterile museum. Most kids would hate either extreme just like most adults

Formerbabe - when DCs were small, nannies / housekeepers kept the chaos under control and I was happy to pay for that. Now that they are older, I see it as much their responsibility as mine or DHs to keep the house tidy. They are quick enough to get the vacuum cleaner out when they want 20 or 30 friends to descend on us for a party so I assume that if they don't make an effort to tidy up, it is because they aren't that bothered.

Thanks Helen

My parents were messy and always kept things 'just in case'. Unfortunately I seem to have gone the same way. I really need to get rid of my clutter so it's easier to clean.

My home growing up was awful. Mice and eventually rats. So much mess and clutter.

I went "home" after a couple of years for 2 months to help out. The house looked the same sort of "messy" I was used to and looked so cluttered. "In the middle of sorting" is my mum's mantra. It wasn't until I got back here to my house when I saw how "empty" my house looked that I realised that it was because I could actually see walls. There weren't millions of bookcases, cabinets etc cluttering them up.

My siblings have admitted they would only bring very close friends over, they were too embarrassed. I have one distinct memory of watching TV with the light off and seeing a mouse run behind the TV and hear them (really really bad infestation). My brother had a friend over and I pretended not to see it. Inside I was mortified.

I don't want that for my kids.

Just typing all this makes me feel bad. I know I need to do the dishes every day instead of every other and I should vacuum more than once a week... but it's not "that bad"... right? It's a slippery slope I need to be more aware of I think.

Just marking place.

I grew up in a v messy house and was ashamed.
I'm now ashamed of my own home. The cycle is repeating. :(

I grew up in a clean and tidy house but one that went from tidy "with kids" to tidy "with adults" as in there are acceptable levels of clean and tidy according to whom you've got in the house! My mum has kept my childhood home a haven and it still feels like "home" - that is what I want for my kids.

At the moment we're renting whilst our house is being built and given the kids are only 3 1/2 and 15 months I'm pretty lax with how tidy it is but cannot stand it being dirty. We have a cleaner and until recently a full time housekeeper who kept it immaculate, not an easy task with two of the hairiest dogs ever and lots of kids toys.

I'm not so fussed about sand, fluff etc on the floor but can't abide stacked up dishes in a sink of cold dirty greasy water, it makes me shudder. That and crumbs/old food etc on work tops. Clutter is my main woe, everything is clean and I can deal with untidy (at the moment the playroom looks like a bomb has gone off in there) because the kids are small but clutter really annoys me.

I can deal with toys strewn all over, towels on the back of chairs etc, but dirty dishes and dirty work surfaces give me the rage.

I was just recollecting with DH that when I took him 'home' I used to disappear to the toilet for a good while. I would spend ages cleaning as for me the issue is really bathrooms. I can handle dust and clutter but proper germs I struggle with.

I know that this doesn't apply to everyone, but I know that my sisters who are messy always come to my house and say 'ooh, I love it here, it feels so tranquil' or things along those lines, and then 'I wish my house was as tidy as this', as if the tidying fairies magically come and tidy it without any input from the people living here. And then it is usually followed up with something like 'oh, but I have nowhere to put stuff', when actually one lives in a house that is smaller than mine but has about twice as much storage space, and the other lives in a house twice the size of mine. . They refuse to believe that it doesn't happen by accident, which baffles me, as they are both intelligent women.

I'm not naturally tidy, not by a long way, but I have taught myself to put stuff away, because my desire to live in order rather than chaos is far greater than my desire to not put stuff away, if that makes sense.

I suffer from quite severe anxiety problems, and clutter really exacerbates it - for example, I could never leave anything sitting on the stairs or landing, as I have a real fear of tripping over it. I can let the kids play with their toys on the floor but once they have stopped playing, the stuff gets put away.

I'm a housing officer so naturally have been in a lot of houses. One thing I can say is there is no class bias to this. For some people it's just not a priority, they are otherwise entirely fit and well and happy, they just can't be arsed. With most I've seen poor mental health or a (often not diagnosed) learning difficulty are the driver. People loose control and can't find a way back when they are ill. Most people that are really busy and not depressed just about stay on top of things - 30 mins a day can stave off the worst with the odd blitz to regroup.

I grew up in a very tidy home. Mum had OCD and manic depression. When she was manic she cleaned and when she was depressed she was in hospital. We didn't play together much and I am convinced that I don't play with my own children as well as other parents as a result. Clutter does give me the heebies. My house is in need of a lot of renovation and gets in a pickle, but Nowt that can't be dealt with in a day, which tends to be the weekend as I am out of the house 12 hours a day for work. I am very ashamed of it and don't ask anyone to visit. it's largely the state of repair that shames me, though the kids rooms are done out well and organised nicely.

I am judgemental about it and I detest this trait, though it's applied as evenly to myself as it is to others, and never in a work setting. It's been ground into me. Granny looked after me when mum was ill and she was from the "if you don't scrub the front step you are a slut" school of thought.

In work I will offer any help and support I can to anyone that wants it, once getting 6 big, wedged car loads out of a tiny bedsit in a day for a chap that wanted it done, because no one else would pay for it and he was too ill to do it himself. Most hoarders are not like him though and seldom give you the chance to help them, and if it goes to enforcement it rarely ends well. I wish that there was more help and support available for hoarders, it really is a dreadful condition that is very resistant to intervention.

I hate this thing too. My house is a bit messy in areas but it's never ever dirty. It's more of a space issue. I don't have enough storage in my house so things tend to sit on surfaces until I find a space. I work full time and take care of 2 young kids and an overgrown manchild and sometimes when the kids go to bed I just want to sit after being on my feet all day with rheumatoid arthritis in my hips and knees. But there is no excuse for kids to be brought up in a filthy home.

Sometimes the DC ask me to play or read to them and I do it. Sometimes they ask me to play or read to them and I say 'no, I can't, because I have to clean the bathroom'. I feel they benefit from a clean house as well as benefiting from reading, so it is fine to sometimes put the cleaning first, just as it is fine to sometimes put the reading first.

treacle that sounds good to me, and I'll try to keep it in mind. There's guilt either way!

Threads like this always result in my house being cleaner than usual so that's something ::paranoia::

My DD 1had a friend whose house was always a tip -to the point of scrunching through stuff on the floor .She loved the family (still does) but not visiting .My DH went to collect her once and declined a cuppa because he said the milk bottle was sitting on the side in thekitchen with flies round it .
I admit to being overly neat and both my grown up DDs are very untidy ,possibly as a reaction ,though DD1is getting better ,but neither could live in dirt .
Unless you are ill or disabled , or totally unsupported,I do not think there is any excuse for a house being dirty especially as DCs get older and I cannot understand people who seem almost proud of it .I did the usual play dough/finger painting /cooking etc with my DDs and they made plenty of mess with their imaginative games .I also spent lots of time reading with them ,going to the park etc .I would blitz things once a week for about 3 hours and then just try and keep on top of it .When I worked ft a cleaner was a very high priority

I think people who are genuinely happy and confident in their life style choices, rarely feel the need to post saccharine and irritating Internet messages in defence of those choices.

I remember very clearly as a child those houses I visited which were filthy and cluttered. I am very grateful I didn't have to grow up in one.