To think that children do care about living in a very messy house?

[bakingmadmum]

A friend of mine put one of those quote thingies on FB today. It is about how the house is messy,because she is spending time with the children,and the children won't care because when they grow up, they will remember the memories, and not the state of the house.

Now, while I largely agree with this, the friend in question has a very, very messy house, bordering on dirty. I am not judging her for this- she has two small children, a large dog, and her husband is a lazy fucking manchild not much help. I know (because she has told me) that the state of the house annoys her. They can't use the kitchen table because it is snowed under, the children are in the same bedroom because the other one is full of junk... They can't use the garden because it is too dangerous. The husband keeps all his hoard of tools and equipment out there, even though they get rained on and rusty.

The thing is, my mum was raised in a similar household. She often talks about how, even as a small child, she was mortified and refused to bring friends over, as she couldn't bear them to see the house. Dirty nappies on the floor for days, the dining room covered in oil because that is where the bikes/junk was thrown, etc. She once visited a friend's house- the family wasn't rich, very solid working class- and thinking they were living in the lap of luxury, because their curtains were clean. She was about 11, and was genuinely baffled- how did they keep them so clean?

Mum has gone the other way now- she is a total clean freak, to the point where it caused massive rows at times, when I was a teen. She couldn't cope with what was, in hindsight, natural teen messiness. Things like a bit of toothpaste on the sink. It was like walking on eggshells for all of us. She has calmed down a bit now, thankfully.

Anyway, I feel a bit sorry for my friend and her children. The kids can't use the table for crafts, or homework, or family dinners, they can't go and play in their own garden. I can't help but feel that this will start to effect them when they get older, despite my friend's denial.

While some people are just short of storage, the root cause of most messy houses I've seen is clutter. Everyone has too much stuff and there is normally a horrible sentimental attachment to everything.

Being a ruthless declutterer, and not hanging onto everything ^just in case* is the route to a tidy house

my house is cluttered, messy but clean, not dirty...

because I grew up in a spotless house. I had a manic depressive mother whose "thing" was to clean when she was low, and tidy when she was up....

I was shouted at once (veins bulging type shouted at) for rubbing out some homework I did wrong and brushing the bits of rubber/carbon into the wrong bin (pencils had to be sharpened outside too). There were 4 of us kids - it was a clean, clinical, very shouty house.

I loved going round to a friend's where you could have a drink IN THE LIVING ROOM!!!

I think it is nice for children if their friends can just pop around and feel welcome in the house.

I am not a fan of housework but have two 30 minute bursts of housework am and pm. This keeps bathroom, kitchen, lounge and hall/stairs clean and I let the teenagers sort out their own rooms (although I do have a look at their rooms when they are out just in case!).

It is about getting the balance. I have one friend that will only ever let me in her house because it is such a mess and another that is rearranging her cushions before you have fully got out of the chair.

It's a balance. I naturally incline towards a clutter free, clean house but with three kids I also know they have to be able to live and play as kids should.

My kids love to draw and paint, so I always have paper and art materials out at one end of the kitchen table. I don't mind them messing up their rooms, especially with friends over and my one year old has baskets of toys in the living room which get dotted about daily!

But everything has a home and gets tidied away at the end of the day. I keep the bathrooms clean and Hoover/sweep heavily used areas daily. I have a Rota/routine for deeper cleaning jobs.

I think very dirty houses and stressful clutter is dysfunctional. But I think you can tell the difference between a house that is naturally lived in and a house that is never properly cleaned. I would never judge a mum who has a slightly scuzzy toilet/bathroom and dust on the TV. But unhygenic filth is wrong.

I love a clean and tidy house but the kids definitely don't miss out. I'll set my alarm and get up at 6.30 to clean the bathroom before they get up or do the ironing at 9pm when they've gone to bed. I clean the whole house every Friday when they're at school so we can spend the weekend doing family things when OH isn't at work There are ways and means to have the best of both worlds, you just don't have to have twee plaques up to advertise it!

This thread inspired me to sort and declutter ds's room this morning. Dd's room tomorrow. Can only do it school hours though, because they get horrified at seeing the old junk being chucked away.

I would never judge a mum who has a slightly scuzzy toilet/bathroom and dust on the TV. But unhygenic filth is wrong.

Yes - it may be wrong. The problem is though, some peopel can't help it. It's hard not to judge perhaps if you have never been there, but I think it's wrong to judge someone too much on the state of their house.

Chances are they are thoroughly embarrassed about it already. They just can't find a way out.

I suppose I meant whilst it's wrong, I also understand there can be explanatory circumstances e.g. depression. I would happily help a friend sort their house if it had got out of control because of illness, bereavement etc

My house would be an awful lot tidier if I didn't have children untidying it behind me...

I think "clean enough to be healthy and dirty enough to be happy" is a good rule. My house is usually pretty clean and tidy, although my OCD husband often describes it as "a tip" (it isn't). Kids had friends over and I dished out ice lollies in front of the TV. DH went mad when he saw and made them stand in the garden. We have hard floors and leather sofas so what is the worst that could've happened?? #embarassing.

Yes it does matter. Do you have any idea what is like to realise that carpet bugs are not normal? That everyone else does not have piles of dust? That you have to re wash a mug before you could have a drink or a plate before you eat? No I didn't like people visiting. I was annoyed that my dad didn't try harder but he worked extremely long hours whilst my mum sat at home on her bum. In fact I still feel embarrassed as an adult when we visit.

And what really annoys me is the sneering way she asserts that i need a life because I clean and tidy.

sneer right back at her MrsPear, tell her how nice it will be for your children to be happy to invite their friends around, unlike yourself.

Thanks for clarifying Mug, I understand now.

It matters! My friends house is an absolute tip! I went over and spent 6hours!!!! Cleaning for/with her, her 10year old daughter came home and cried! She cried because she had a clean home. She was so happy it didn't smell 'waffy' anymore, unfortunately within a month the house was back to its usual state and I totally refuse to help any more. Some people see no shame in living in dirt. They make the excuse up.they don't have time to clean. Everyone has half an hour a day to pick up toys, wipe down surfaces and have a quick hoover round. Laziness is the only excuse worthy of using.

Yes. Most of my teens i was a young carer for my 2 siblings, and we just had our dad, who has aspergers and severe depression so it was pretty bleak. I never had friends over, i was embarassed about the house, and I never felt comfortable or happy unless i was in my own room which i kept as a little sanctuary for myself.

Now i have my own children i work hard to make sure it's clean, it's by no means spotless but children certainly do mind if it's constant mess, clutter and dirt everywhere yes.

and mrspear I know that feeling too as an adult, when i visit my childhood home it's pretty awful, it makes me feel depressed, it really is awful

I do dislike those twee signs, I am mocked by friends because of my 'obsessive' attitude to cleaning although it's anything but, my house is far from immaculate but cleaning and order keep me calm, my mum worked for all our childhood and my dad didn't help much but we always had a homecooked meal and a clean and tidy house growing up, I utterly admire her for everything, yes our bedrooms occasionally looked like rubbish dumps but that's normal and my mum is definitely the inspiration for how I run a house :) I don't and never will judge friends, they live their lives differently to me and dust never hurt anybody but it does seem fine to mock people who do put a lot of effort in.

Lego it strangely makes me feel better that I am not alone

Our house is messy. It really does need a good clean, too (some rooms more than others). We have too much stuff and not any proper storage (we had an extension, but it created as many problems as it sorted including leaving us short of money and not being able to do anything about the storage issue).

I am a bit of a hoarder (I come from a long line of hoarders). It gets to me sometimes and it gets to my DH more. It causes rows. DCs accumulate a lot of stuff (we have 4) and also find it hard to part with stuff (I've set them a bad example, I know).

I wish I could do something about it, but I'm overwhelmed by it, now. I know that my eldest DD (10) is bothered by it a bit.

YANBU. I have 2 children under 2, and a husband and manage to keep my house clean and tidy. Some people would say obsessively so, but I'm not obsessive, I just don't like clutter. My children don't get neglected so I can clean either, I keep on top if it when they are sleeping or eating lunch .

My house is a home. I'm not a clean freak and I don't live in a show house. I currently have all my clean washing folded up on my living room table and I don't really care if it stays there until tomorrow. I am a very creative person and have balls of wool, rovings, toy stuffing and fabric in storage boxes next to my couch. I have rheumatoid arthritis and it's difficult getting up and down the stairs so my "go to" craft supplies are kept close to hand. Does it bother me or the kids? not at all. Would it bother my best mate if she lived here? it would drive her batcrap crazy as she is a clean freak!

I have 4 dogs so I'm sure the house smells of mutt but I don't mind. I clean my couch throws once a week, hoover at least once a week ( my dogs are baldy, so I don'nt really worry about hair) and make sure that the place is relatively under control. My son does the dishwasher every day after dinner and we always have clean clothes.

BUT- my skirting boards are dusty, my banisters and architrave could probably do with a good wipe. My floors don't get mopped very often as the dogs ruin them within 30 minutes anyway. My garden is a complete disaster as it's on a hill and I can not for the life of me get out there to do it so its ignored.

I do feel sorry for children who live with parents that are unable (or dont want to) clean up. I feel that it can affect children in a very negative way. Either they go worse than their parents and live in filth with no personal pride or they go to the extreme of sterilising their homes and having everything spick and span. I knew a family that had 8 kids and they lived in the worse stench I could ever have imagined. I never had so much as a glass of water at their house and never went back for a second visit. But thats an issue for social services, both parents came from care homes and had no idea of personal hygiene or even what was a suitable amount to feed a child. Their kids fell on any food like ravenous animals :(

clean enough to be healthy, dirty enough to be happy

Yep I fully agre with that too!! (even though I would replace dirty by messy)

Whilst bugs in the carpet, soiled nappies in the living room etc aren't OK, living in a house where everything has to be spotless, you can't have one toy left on the floor because it's messy etc... is just as grim to live with.

I know someone who had decided that her living room would be the same with two youngs dcs around. Think low lying fragile ornaments, furniture that needed extreme care, carpet in pale colour etc...
She was really OCD about it too.
Her dcs are grown up now and both have decided that actually being 'untidy' is OK..... The both hated the atmosphere and the stress that 'having a spotless house' created so they are never on the back of their own dcs about tidying up.

It matters. We had mismatched furniture and carpets I hated as a child, my parents had no idea of style, they bought what they could afford. Nothing potentially useful was thrown away, very drawer and cupboard was jammed with stuff, but it was tidy.

Apart from my parents arm chairs and one end of the table which were used daily there were piles of items waiting to be sewn/repaired, neatly folded but on the chairs in the living room. In the bathroom there was a plastic bowl with neatly rolled and folded items waiting to be ironed, usually in the bath so had to be removed every time it was used.

Every room had little heaps of things on chairs.

There were bowls of things on the side in the kitchen, tomatoes and the like, washing up bowls, chopping boards.Kitchen steps had slippers on each step. Outside, under cover there were 'things' on the wooden seat, the garage was full of stuff.

My memories are of 'stuff' everywhere in a gloomy little home and no feeling of love either, no cuddles or hugs. I was clothed and fed, and looked after but that was it.I don't remember happiness or knowing how to be a child.

We weren't starving poor but it was make do and mend, it looked as if everything we owned was waiting to be mended all the time.

It has affected my life in several ways. Maybe a 'messy' house with happiness would have had a different effect on me.

every

There is a difference between messy untidy and messy dirty. Nappies left on the floor, plates piled high in the sink and stained curtains is dirty and personally not acceptable in my house. As for messy untidy, toys in the living room, occasional tents made out of bedding over the sofa and glitter stuck on the crafts table, that's sounds normal! Personally, I clean the toilet, sinks,bath daily, I Hoover daily, I wipe down tables and sides multiple times a day, I wash up after every meal,make bed daily, change bedding weekly,steam clean floors every other day and I tidy up toys at the end of the day only.for me to do these chores doesn't take me a lot of time, I still have plenty of hours where I play with my children and give therapy to one of my kids who has autism, and help with homework.
I do of course have days where I am exhausted maybe once a month and I leave these chores for a day :).
I know to some people I may sound too clean or not clean enough But it works well for me and my children. :)