To be feeling very sorry for myself over this job?

[Thegirlwithallthegifts]

I posted yesterday about a fantastic new job I've been offered, but it's looking more and more likely that I'm going to have to turn it down and I'm feeling really bloody down about it.

We're basically struggling with figuring out how I'm going to get there. It's a 20 minute drive away, and buying a new car will be expensive for us.

I sugested using our overdrafts and gradually paying it back with the extra money I'd be earning, but dh is unwilling to use that option.

DH is totally unwilling to compromise or see the very real long term benefits of the job. He keeps talking about how he won't be able to do overtime and how it'll affect him. I'm not denying it wont, but I really feel that I need to make a start on a proper career soon or it may never happen, and I've looked after the childcare side of things for long enough. He keeps telling to to show him the figures, and is being slow at finding out about his companies childcare voucher scheme, expecting me to work it all out. All the while saying its a joint decision that we both have to make

He says that his career is the one with the potential to earn more money, which is true to an extent, but a managerial position in the company I've been offered a job with has a good wage, and even the starting salary I've been offered is only £3000 off what he's earning how. It's also taking him a long time to climb the career ladder, and there's already talk from the company about moving me to a more senior role depending on how my probation goes.

I suggested that he could continue to carpool and we could find some way of splitting the car up for the days I need it. He says that there are days where he's not able to car pool, which is true, but it doesn't happen THAT often and I'm sure we could figure out a temporary solution for when that happens.

Then I sugested him driving me and DS into town to catch the bus- no, too early in the morning and too much driving, which I do accept, but I would do it for him if I had to (I have driven him all the way to work many times before) and it would only be until we could afford another car.

I'm just so upset at the horrible unfairness of it all. If this was his job, I doubt we'd even be having a conversation about it. I know we have to find a solution to suit both of us, but he's basically already said no and giving me little room to manoeuvre.

Please, somebody come up with a solution! I'm all out of ideas and will bloody kick myself if I have to turn down a great job.

He doesn't see you as an equal I'm afraid.

Oh and (I am on a roll now) you can say to pils that as this jobs starting salary is only £3k less than his and they are already talking of promotion, that it is likely that soon you will earn more than him, then it will be his turn to 'do what's best for the children'. I wonder if he will be rushing to quit and stay home then? No? Oh really, why not?

Precisely MrsK he will plank himself at the mere thought of spending the day at home with his own children.

I openly laughed in his face when he said about the moped and the carpooling. It was so ridiculous!

You are very much doing the right thing for the children by providing them with more financial security. How can a job be closer than 20 minutes away?

I bet you're raging - I'd have exploded with frustration! So pleased you are taking the job.

Cycle . buy a bike, good panniers, a helmet etc. thereafter free.

Please take the job OP!

DP is being very unreasonable.

Glad you are taking it op

As a pp mentioned watch out for him making things tricky for you though ..

They keep saying about holding on for something closer and 'doing the right thing for the children'

Well they can fuck off to the far side of fuck. You won't get any closer than 20 minutes away. What's best for the children is a happy and fulfilled mother. Well and preferably a father who supports their mother but he's rather failing on that one.

"the starting salary I've been offered is only £3000 off what he's earning how. It's also taking him a long time to climb the career ladder, and there's already talk from the company about moving me to a more senior role depending on how my probation goes"

And that's your problem right there. You could easily overtake him as the main breadwinner, and he cannot cope with that.

You don't need his permission, thankfully. Hope he settles down into being less of a selfish arse once he gets used to the idea. Good for you getting angry and sticking to your guns. Brilliant. Many congratulations on getting the job.:)

Just another voice saying well done for a) being offered a great job and b) taking it, in the teeth of frankly appalling behaviour from your DH. And his parents, for all they matter. And seconding the advice to raise the issue of what will happen WHEN you are very shortly going to be earning more than him ie agreeing that at that point he will, naturally, take his turn at time childcare. And then report back

I really really hope you don't back down over this OP.

OMG your husband is such a nob.

Take the job (well done!) and put him on probation. He really is sounding like a complete controlling cock face. The thing about the motor bike is laughable, suddenly it's too dangerous. Is he for real?

Agree with PP that once you start he also might suddenly have a few issues and your first few weeks might get sabotaged. So put some money aside for taxis, find out details of child care. Do not rely on him or his parents.

Also don't do any housework unless he is. Once you do that the house wil get in a right state and he will have to start helping more. Start as you mean to carry on!

Big hugs to you for the realisation your DH is not very 'D'. Prepare for the worse just in case.

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

In your shoes I'd be worried about all the red flags he's waving and I'd be even more determined to be financially independent. I agree about possible sabotage attempts and that your childcare and transport plans need to be bombproof.

Good luck, and congratulations on what sounds to be a great opportunity for you. Let's just hope he's having a little tantrum and will come round soon.

Such a cuntish thing to object to. Stupid dick.

Honestly- do NOT back down!!

I was thinking this too - that if, sorry WHEN you start your job he might try and make things awkward - I think you said he would have to do the school run? He might be "unable" to do this for whatever reason, or just plain refuse.

So, much though I strongly disagree with the general concept of picking up the slack yourself, because it lets him off the hook, I think you will need to have a back up plan in place so that it doesn't come down to "well you'll have to give up your job again won't you" to solve the problems.

Just have it all organised to a T so there is nothing he can reasonably disagree with; then he'll either (if he's a decent bloke) come around to it all, OR he'll start throwing ever more unreasonable objections at you, which will show him out to be a controlling, insecure dickweed.

Fuck I can't believe he had his parents lecturing you about it. In fairness to my DH, he was a cock about me working but once I stated clearly that his behaviour wasn't on he backed down entirely. If he had had his parents weighing in trying to guilt me into not taking the job I don't know what I'd have done! That is so fucking humiliating.

I agree with Thumb about planning for the possibility that he will sabotage you.

When they talked about doing the right thing for the children, you should have asked why the right thing was for you to give on your career for dhs when he only earns slightly more.

Why is it assumed that the right thing is you staying at home and him working?

Sorry OP i would have said something then.

Don't bother addressing any of these 'problems' anymore - the fact that he just keeps inventing more and more ridiculous issues shows that the logistics of the job are not the problem. The problem is he likes his life all cosy with you there to pick up the slack when he goes off to do whatever. He likes this so much, he's prepared to put that in front of your hopes, dreams and financial security. He's being a total pig and it's time for you to put your foot down very firmly. You have to take the job. Not least because his attitude could well affect your marriage (with or without you taking the job) and then you may well need the security of your own income.

It's absolutely imperative you take the job, partly because there is a strong possibility your marriage won't recover from this and then you will really need it.

My DH made excuses too. He said he couldn't possibly shift around is working hours so he could do one afternoon of childcare a week while I worked. I accepted this excuse until the following week when he came home and said he had a new business opportunity. When I asked him when he'd find time for it he said he'd do it on the very afternoon I'd asked him to do childcare. So basically he couldn't move his hours for me but he could very easily move his hours for himself.

We have worked through this and his attitude is 100% different now but there is still massive resentment and our relationship is damaged. Finding out your partner can be so selfish and unsupportive is so disappointing.