To be feeling very sorry for myself over this job?

[Thegirlwithallthegifts]

I posted yesterday about a fantastic new job I've been offered, but it's looking more and more likely that I'm going to have to turn it down and I'm feeling really bloody down about it.

We're basically struggling with figuring out how I'm going to get there. It's a 20 minute drive away, and buying a new car will be expensive for us.

I sugested using our overdrafts and gradually paying it back with the extra money I'd be earning, but dh is unwilling to use that option.

DH is totally unwilling to compromise or see the very real long term benefits of the job. He keeps talking about how he won't be able to do overtime and how it'll affect him. I'm not denying it wont, but I really feel that I need to make a start on a proper career soon or it may never happen, and I've looked after the childcare side of things for long enough. He keeps telling to to show him the figures, and is being slow at finding out about his companies childcare voucher scheme, expecting me to work it all out. All the while saying its a joint decision that we both have to make

He says that his career is the one with the potential to earn more money, which is true to an extent, but a managerial position in the company I've been offered a job with has a good wage, and even the starting salary I've been offered is only £3000 off what he's earning how. It's also taking him a long time to climb the career ladder, and there's already talk from the company about moving me to a more senior role depending on how my probation goes.

I suggested that he could continue to carpool and we could find some way of splitting the car up for the days I need it. He says that there are days where he's not able to car pool, which is true, but it doesn't happen THAT often and I'm sure we could figure out a temporary solution for when that happens.

Then I sugested him driving me and DS into town to catch the bus- no, too early in the morning and too much driving, which I do accept, but I would do it for him if I had to (I have driven him all the way to work many times before) and it would only be until we could afford another car.

I'm just so upset at the horrible unfairness of it all. If this was his job, I doubt we'd even be having a conversation about it. I know we have to find a solution to suit both of us, but he's basically already said no and giving me little room to manoeuvre.

Please, somebody come up with a solution! I'm all out of ideas and will bloody kick myself if I have to turn down a great job.

The more I hear the less I like OP.

His parents can fuck off. It's none of their business. Cavemen the lot of them. I hope he has redeeming attributes.

Doing the right thing by the children. Yep, all of the following:

Providing an example of a healthy work ethic.
Ensuring they appreciate men and women are equal
Seeing their mother as financially independent - even in retirement due to her pension.
Seeing their mother stay tuned into the real world and young people because she works.
Seeing their mother stay younger because she works and had her own money to spend.

There should be a comma after like. I'm not saying I don't like you OP! I'm saying the more of the situation I hear, the more I don't like IT!

Your ILs will always side with him. They shouldn't be interfering at all, but their opinions (and that's all they are, opinions) aren't relevant.

20 minutes is local.

Can I ask if there's any reason that you can't all leave the house 40 minutes earlier and drop you at work early? I know if we couldn't afford a second car that's what we would do. Yes it's more time in the morning, but not much. It'd be a lot cheaper than getting another car. If he won't even consider this (even until you can save up for another car), then he simply doesn't want you to work.

Dh's commute used to be an hour each way. It's now a nice, short 20 minutes :)

Be careful not to try to appease him when you do start the job, by trying to still do all housework and childcare. When you both work full time, all other jobs that used to be just yours, need to be shared. Start as you mean to go on.

Not many people get the chance to do what they love, for good money :) this opportunity may never come up again. Don't let your husband's selfishness ruin your future.

If he loves you he should be supporting you.

Doesn't sound like an equal partnership/team to me. When you take the job, I think it would be a good idea to make it clear that each of you is entitled to the same amount of leisure time and use that as the starting point for negotiating who does what. You have the right to accept this job, having done more than your fair share of the child rearing and shitwork.
He now has to accept the responsibility of stepping up and doing his fair share too. It's not the 1970s.
Have a backup plan for when he turns toddler on you though.

There must be a reason why your husband doesn't want this...is he worried you're going to eventually earn more? Does he like being the "provider" , does he dislike the idea of you having a "life" outside of the home. Please take the job, I gave up everything for my husband, my career, my freedom, my life really. He walked out, leaving me with a huge mortgage and an autistic toddler. I am not suggesting your husband will do this at all, I am just saying that if I had kept my job, not given into his pressure and demands and his need to have "his life" over mine...then I would have been OK. I am not, far from it.

Your children are growing, you have a right to a life of your own. I can't see how he could possibly object when your family income will almost double! How bloody odd! Get the car, as other posters have said, something cheap and cheerful, for now, you can upgrade later if you wish.

Good luck OP...and stand up for yourself!!

I do also believe that he's scared that you will outstrip him in seniority and earning potential, and this is another reason they're trying to stop you from taking the job. They don't want you to be the main earner, or in any way detract from the "importance" of your H. (I've downgraded him from DH now, I don't think he deserves it at the moment!)

Really these attitudes need to be stomped on whenever they appear - they don't do anyone any favours at all.

I became a SAHM because I hated the job I had when I got pregnant after I got married and had moved countries. I have had part-time jobs since and hated them, as they were just to earn money, not actually interesting. If I had had the chance of a job I enjoyed in a field I knew about, I would have jumped at it and my husband would have supported me to the hilt. I really regret having lost my career and would give anything now my child has left home to have an opportunity to work in my chosen field. Twenty minute journey too long? Your husband and his family don't know they're born - I used to commute from Oxford to Regent Street via Paddington Station and the Bakerloo Line for a temp job in my yoof!
GO FOR IT, PLEASE! Oh, and sorry, congratulations on being offered the job!

Accept the job.

Tell H (no D for him right now), you'll be doing it with or without him and if he doesn't like it he can pack bag and go back to his mummy (a woman who always agrees with him)

Please take the job. I commute 90 minutes each way. 20 minutes isn't much, and it sounds as though you have many reasons to take the job, great career opportunities, your earning potential sounds great and your husband sounds threatened to be honest and not supportive which is a shame. It is great for you to get an opportunity like this, don't miss it and you can make it work. Every relationship takes compromise when it comes to two working, it's very doable with compromise.

If you don't take the job you may as well get divorced now and save time - you will resent the fuck out of him if you don't.

Its not up to them how you and DH run your lives together.

In your shoes I would have already accepted and discussions would purely be around the transport issue.

Please , take the job and then sort out the transport by any of the various means you have at your disposal. But take the job.

Take the job. This is a great opportunity for you.

I agree with other posters - 20 minutes is local!

OP I'm so cross with your ILs on your behalf. Try not to turn it into an argument between you and DH though. Don't feel that you need to explain or justify yourself. Just keep repeating "I am taking this job, we're not discussing that, we're just planning how to make it work".

Take the job. Definitely take the job. Get a cheaper second hand car. But take the job. And especially if your DP isnt being supportive!

Another one here voting for you to take the job, even if you have to get a bicycle with a child seat.

Let us assume that your H wouldn't dream of walking out on you, but what if something happened to him that he couldn't work?

But really if you don't take the job the resentment will eat away at you and at your marriage.

Do you have parents? Could you give them a call? And perhaps discover that they think a job with a future that means that your family is insured against the risk of your Dh being made redundant or getting a serious illness (or buggering off with some woman half his age who doesn't threaten him by looking likely to earn more money than him) is doing the best thing for your children.

After all - if his parents are allowed a vote why aren't yours?

And what about second cousin Susie - she should definitely get a vote. And all 162 mumsnetters who said to take the job.

your role is to support his career? Based on what you've written, his career will be the supporting one soon. Not that he's likely to support you, mind..

Take the job. Before an aneurysm because your husband thinks he gets to control your life and you pil think it's any of their fucking business.

Best for the family is to have examples of positive, strong role models who are equal. Not the decision maker and the housemaid.

Get a loan and do it.

Nothing much to add as you have fantastic advice on here already. Just wanted to say op congratulates on getting a fantastic job offer and I really hope you can make it work. I think your dh is being incredibly selfish and I am on your behalf. I gave up a well paid, part time, family friendly job in favour of a small bursary, crazy shifts and full time study (healthcare student) and dh couldn't have been more supportive. He now has to adjust his working hours to help with school runs and does a lot more of the chores around the house, and doesn't complain. He sees the big picture and how happy I am and so we make it work. Hopefully your dh can come to see how important this is to you and to the future wellbeing of the entire family. Good luck!

He doesn't want to risk you actually having a successful career by the sound of it.

OP, my MIL sat me down in similar circumstances when my kids were small, and told me I should wait five years before I went back to work. Not an option in any IT-type work really, and I ignored her.

15 years on I've worked full-time through long periods of unemployment for DH. I wonder if it ever occurs to her that we would have sunk without my income?

TAKE THE JOB.

Quick update.

I suggested he continue to car pool and I take a taxi on the rare occasion that he needs the car. He said one of the people he car pools with isn't always sober. This happened once about 4 months ago, the guy he carpools with suddenly revealed 5 mins away from work that he thought he might still be drunk from the night before, and it has never worried him since!! He gets a lift from him at least once a week!!

I then suggested he get a moped. He said he's realised over the past few months that they're not safe. Fair enough if that really is the case, but I find it super fishy as he's literally BEGGED for a motorbike ever since we started dating!!

I told him I was taking the job and we'd have to work it out.

I'm bloody raging!!!

If he doesn't want you to drive a cheap car then he can carpool and you take the family car when you can. Cheap car used for emergencies/clashes. 300 a month is a decent amount, the savings in food/fuel will easily double this. Your job will be more secure and offer more room for advancement. You won't have the stress that goes with being se and you get family time back at evenings/weekends. Soundd like earnings could go up fast as well. TAKE THE JOB. I can't see ANY sensible reason not to do it.

God for you. Stay raging. What a completely obstructive dick he is.