To be feeling very sorry for myself over this job?

[Thegirlwithallthegifts]

I posted yesterday about a fantastic new job I've been offered, but it's looking more and more likely that I'm going to have to turn it down and I'm feeling really bloody down about it.

We're basically struggling with figuring out how I'm going to get there. It's a 20 minute drive away, and buying a new car will be expensive for us.

I sugested using our overdrafts and gradually paying it back with the extra money I'd be earning, but dh is unwilling to use that option.

DH is totally unwilling to compromise or see the very real long term benefits of the job. He keeps talking about how he won't be able to do overtime and how it'll affect him. I'm not denying it wont, but I really feel that I need to make a start on a proper career soon or it may never happen, and I've looked after the childcare side of things for long enough. He keeps telling to to show him the figures, and is being slow at finding out about his companies childcare voucher scheme, expecting me to work it all out. All the while saying its a joint decision that we both have to make

He says that his career is the one with the potential to earn more money, which is true to an extent, but a managerial position in the company I've been offered a job with has a good wage, and even the starting salary I've been offered is only £3000 off what he's earning how. It's also taking him a long time to climb the career ladder, and there's already talk from the company about moving me to a more senior role depending on how my probation goes.

I suggested that he could continue to carpool and we could find some way of splitting the car up for the days I need it. He says that there are days where he's not able to car pool, which is true, but it doesn't happen THAT often and I'm sure we could figure out a temporary solution for when that happens.

Then I sugested him driving me and DS into town to catch the bus- no, too early in the morning and too much driving, which I do accept, but I would do it for him if I had to (I have driven him all the way to work many times before) and it would only be until we could afford another car.

I'm just so upset at the horrible unfairness of it all. If this was his job, I doubt we'd even be having a conversation about it. I know we have to find a solution to suit both of us, but he's basically already said no and giving me little room to manoeuvre.

Please, somebody come up with a solution! I'm all out of ideas and will bloody kick myself if I have to turn down a great job.

Good for you I mean.

Also huge well done and I am wondering what his commute is. 20 mins seems great to me. When I've looked for jobs I always looked anywhere I can get to in 30 mins or less.

His is 35-40 mins. 17 miles.

Well done you for making the decision.

I think you need to sit down and have a proper talk about his lack of respect for you, and how he feels it's ok to stand in the way of your career.

This needs sorting now. Would he consider marriage counselling? It could be a good forum to make some agreements about how things will be.

Excellent! Keep the rage, take the job, find a car, DO IT.

He's a wanker, sorry. He really is. How DARE he try and hold you back.

Well the only solution seems to be that you need another car, then he can have one and so can you!

He's being so selfish in wanting you to keep everything the same- he knows he's got an easy life at the moment and doesn't want change.

You have to take up this brilliant opportunity.

Yes, he's leaving you little choice but to go apeshit at him. He's being an enormous turd. He's such a hypocrite! His commute is twice the fucking distance.

Just to add, that while I have no time for men who think their wife should stay at home and be the little woman, perhaps there are other 'ishooos' that are making him feel threatened by his wife's possible success. Marriage counselling may be appropriate here, rather than hitting him over the head with a brick straight away keep that as option B

Wow. Just to echo what everyone else has said, your dh is being an absolute arse. It sounds like he likes his life as it is, everything sorted out for him re childcare and house stuff, he can just come in and do all the fun stuff and you going back to work would have an impact on this. It sounds like he's being very selfish and only thinking of himself not you or the family as a whole

Good luck and congratulations

I can't believe there are still people who think like your in laws in this day and age!

Around here most of my friends are very conscious that they are negatively judged by in laws for NOT working rather than the opposite!

I'm afraid that whatever you suggest he is going to find a 'reason' why that wont work. These reasons will get increasingly ridiculous and far fetched.

I wouldnt be surprised if eventually he will start spouting urban myths about gangs roaming the countryside luring female drivers with blanket draped car seats to a ghastly fate.

All of this being claimed to be in your best interests.

Cobblers of course.

Slightly more time now.

We have one car. DH works about 15 minutes cycle ride from home, and I work about 20-40 minutes drive. I can get the bus, he can walk, we have options. Sometimes he needs the car for work - sometimes I am late back and can't collect the children from nursery (by my place of work) and in FOUR YEARS I have had to take perhaps a dozen taxis and on ONE occasion hired a car.

ONCE. Only ONCE. However we are now dealing with my contract ending so looking for work, dd1 starting in school (20 min walk opposite direction from both our work), DH getting a promotion so unable to WFH as often and yet - still not going to need a car because we work it out between us; there's no way on earth we would dictate to the other what jobs we do based on a car.

Accept the job. Pronto. Then if needed buy another car.

I am begging you to take the job. Do it to show equality in action to your DS. Your DH and inlaw's attitude belong on the ark. I don't live in England but if I did live near you I would personally drive you to that job!

None of his arguments are standing up. They want you at home. Two of my sisters-in-law and one of my sisters worked at home for years and when their marriages broke down they were in a very weak position financially as a result of supporting their men in their very well paid jobs.

I am not for one minute suggesting that this will happen to you. No one is indestrucable and if your DH lost his job due to illness etc. it would be very handy to have another wage coming in.

Please take the job, it sounds amazing and 20 minutes couldn't be any more local.

I agree Gnome

The reasons he's coming up with now are just clutching at straws. He just doesn't want you to work and be independently successful by the look of it.

Just adding my voice to the chorus of agreement - take the job. Get yourself a car, don't rely on him for help with transport as he is not on your side. He is already trying to sabotage you, I suspect he will try to sabotage you further when you start working by making you late/unreliable. You need to do this under your own power and not expect anything from him.

He may or may not end up accepting you as an equal partner in working parenthood, but there are enough alarm bells ringing here that you really do need to step up your financial independence. Good luck.

Hi I just wondered if the deals might suit you. There are several (fiat 500 type car) deals for £99 per month. Then you'd have a reliable cheap to run car and could guarantee how much you would be paying. I haven't looked into them in depth but they might work out better for running costs.

are there other ways to get to work? bus, train taxi? Dh used to cycle 16 miles in just over an hour when he still had a job It's great you get fit for free and save on travel costs. You can get off road safe cycle routes online.
If you want teh job then take it. I think this is your decision not his. I worked for the first 10 years of having kids but when the job wound down I jumped at redundancy. Enjoying sahm at the moment but these are all my choices.

Sorry to barge in, but can anyone point me in the direction of Fiat 500 £99 deals? I've looked online, but haven't seen any that cheap.

I am raging on your behalf OP how fucking dare he! Your children have 2 parents and its about time he realised that your needs are just as important as his! You take that job and he'll just have to bloody well get used to it!

Just to say that if you give in now you will give him a reason to call the shots over every future situation in your family - he doesn't want things to change and even got his parents to back him up, well diddums, does the nasty wife want a life outside the home, he'll soon put a stop to that nonsense won't he.

MrsDeVere is spot on. Take the job - the rest of the sorting out or negotiating can happen later. The important thing is you know you're getting to the job no matter what

I also don't understand why you would need to get a job "nearer" is that so you can run home and have his tea on the table - what a knobhead

Wow he really is clutching at straws. This shows how desperate he's getting and if that's the best he can come up with then it's just not good enough. Next he'll say the car pool man has made a pass at him or something. I hope you are laughing at him. I would be.

I would be having some very frank words about how much I had supported him, disappointment in how unsupportive he is, resentment if the job is kyboshed, best thing for everyone all round is your happiness and fulfilment, never wanting his family to feel they have any right to have an opinion about personal your decisions, guilt tripping, embarrassing clutching at straws, really hard to love and find someone sexy who is so childish and selfish and how much it would cost in a divorce if you couldn't support yourself due to him. I would end by pointing out if you didn't take the job he may feel he has won. And he may have won the immediate small victory, but he will lose in the end because all of this kind of behaviour is a nail in the coffin of marriages. And every time he 'wins' he is closer to losing everything he is so desperate to hold on to.

I'd be making it clear you ARE doing this. It IS happening. So now he can decide whether he wants to support you and continue to have a happy relationship, or obstruct you and build up resentments.

Also 20 mins is practically on the doorstep. How much nearer does he think is possible?

Dh now has 45-60 min commute and we are chuffed as this is the shortest commute either of us has ever had.

Pathetic really of him.

good for you OP. you called his bluff.