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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be feeling very sorry for myself over this job?

290 replies

Thegirlwithallthegifts · 11/07/2015 03:52

I posted yesterday about a fantastic new job I've been offered, but it's looking more and more likely that I'm going to have to turn it down and I'm feeling really bloody down about it.

We're basically struggling with figuring out how I'm going to get there. It's a 20 minute drive away, and buying a new car will be expensive for us.

I sugested using our overdrafts and gradually paying it back with the extra money I'd be earning, but dh is unwilling to use that option.

DH is totally unwilling to compromise or see the very real long term benefits of the job. He keeps talking about how he won't be able to do overtime and how it'll affect him. I'm not denying it wont, but I really feel that I need to make a start on a proper career soon or it may never happen, and I've looked after the childcare side of things for long enough. He keeps telling to to show him the figures, and is being slow at finding out about his companies childcare voucher scheme, expecting me to work it all out. All the while saying its a joint decision that we both have to make

He says that his career is the one with the potential to earn more money, which is true to an extent, but a managerial position in the company I've been offered a job with has a good wage, and even the starting salary I've been offered is only £3000 off what he's earning how. It's also taking him a long time to climb the career ladder, and there's already talk from the company about moving me to a more senior role depending on how my probation goes.

I suggested that he could continue to carpool and we could find some way of splitting the car up for the days I need it. He says that there are days where he's not able to car pool, which is true, but it doesn't happen THAT often and I'm sure we could figure out a temporary solution for when that happens.

Then I sugested him driving me and DS into town to catch the bus- no, too early in the morning and too much driving, which I do accept, but I would do it for him if I had to (I have driven him all the way to work many times before) and it would only be until we could afford another car.

I'm just so upset at the horrible unfairness of it all. If this was his job, I doubt we'd even be having a conversation about it. I know we have to find a solution to suit both of us, but he's basically already said no and giving me little room to manoeuvre.

Please, somebody come up with a solution! I'm all out of ideas and will bloody kick myself if I have to turn down a great job.

OP posts:

ThisTimeIAmMagic · 12/07/2015 15:09

The more I hear the more I think it's important that you earn your own money in a job you enjoy. The time may well come when you realise that you want an equal partner by your side, not a foot stomping toddler. You'll be glad of your own money then.

yearofthegoat · 12/07/2015 15:27

I totally agree.

lavenderhoney · 12/07/2015 15:47

did he know you were interviewing? It's hardly a surprise you were offered and took the role. The discussion should be about making it work.

You have one car now, is it his? In his name or is it a family car which he has all the power and control over? If not, I would say - lets get rid of it and get two cheaper to run ones.

Just think how nice weekends will be now, you can put DC in the car and whizz off having fun without him moaning and being the big man. I hope you don't have a joint account, or he doesn't oversee your spend.

His parents should stay out of it. Just take the job, and quite frankly if he refuses to help or thinks it's your job to now manage all the childcare running about, house work, garden, dinner every night as well,as work, I'd be wondering what the fuck he was bringing to the party.

manechanger · 12/07/2015 20:14

dontrunwithscissors Very sorry to have raised your hopes. I was posting in haste and have only a vague inkling of good deals. I think if I wantedsomething reliable for work I'd look at a new car not a 500 pound banger but you are right there isn't anything as good at £99. Best Ive found is a lease car but there is a payment up front www.leasecar.co.uk/ppc-a/?carid=46364&ppc=1&gclid=CLyVq_2l1sYCFc7HtAodFaQEMg it says 79 pcm, DH says suzuki might be around £99.

For the OP I think cycling is a better option if you can do it. Although how you get there is less relevant than your dh's attitude. IMO

BrowersBlues · 12/07/2015 20:19

Mane OP has young DS. Her DH refused to bring him to nursery because it is too much for him to do in the morning although the OP said that she would have done it for him.

Want2bSupermum · 12/07/2015 22:07

OP I would take the older car that's 7-10 years old and about £1000. They tend to have 5 years left before the big bills start. Take a look around for cars owned by grannies. My brother bought a 7 year old car from an old ladies family that had 10k miles for £900. All of his friends laughed at him for driving a Micra but he didn't care. It was a fab car and was driven for a further 10 years before being sold on for £200.

The PIL are hillarious. I had my MIL tell me I should not cut back hours because she worked FT (32 hours a week to my 60hrs!). I told her that if she had raised her son to pitch in I wouldn't be going nuts. She told me 'That's men!' I told her no, that's your son and yes you failed to raise a real man. In your case I would explain very clearly that this position is going to see you make more money now and in the future PLUS you will have more free time. Casually let them know you currently work in the evenings and at weekends while their lazy arse of a son grows roots out of his ass. I have no scruples in putting my DH in his place if needs be and in this case your DH needs to be brought down a peg or two.

Gabilan · 12/07/2015 22:26

"I told her no, that's your son and yes you failed to raise a real man."

Well, she and his father failed. Otherwise everything men do, and don't do, gets to be a woman's fault.

DragonsCanHop · 12/07/2015 22:54

20 minutes to work is nothing!

Keep strong, I'm excited for you.

LocatingLocatingLocating · 12/07/2015 23:01

My FIL once told me that my DH would get a lot more DIY done round the house if I had his tea on the table when he came home from work. I pointed out that I'm usually home an hour AFTER DH and earn almost twice what he does .

LocatingLocatingLocating · 12/07/2015 23:03

He also once told a friend of his (when I was in earshot) that I had some kind of filing job in an office. I am a head of department in a large organisation!!

Gabilan · 12/07/2015 23:05

"My FIL once told me that my DH would get a lot more DIY done round the house if I had his tea on the table when he came home from work"

With some of my boyfriends, it's been more a case of I would get more DIY done if they had my tea on the table for me

Gabilan · 12/07/2015 23:08

I had thought time travel wasn't possible, but reading this thread I get the impression half the population have arrived from 1952.

Kiwiinkits · 13/07/2015 04:14

at the obvious sexism from OP's husband. How VERY dare he!!!!

clippityclop · 13/07/2015 11:21

He should be proud of you, you deserve better than this.

BringMeTea · 13/07/2015 11:59

Stay strong OP!! Congratulations on your new job. I hope you have accepted it officially by now. I am sure your husband is a very nice man but right now he is being a shit partner. This sounds like a very important 'tipping' point in your life and relationship. You are in the right. Stand firm. Agree with pp that his parents' opinion is utterly immaterial, if annoying as hell.

TheChandler · 13/07/2015 12:03

Don't let him control you like this. even the starting salary I've been offered is only £3000 off what he's earning how as soon as you get your contract, get a car somehow. e.g. on finance. If your DH would actually stop you from doing this, you have serious problems and should leave him. Or just buy a cheap one for a few hundred. Then share it with him.

In the very short term, when the job starts, just manage it somehow. Are there any safe cycle routes into town to get the bus?

Ashbeeee · 13/07/2015 12:16

Take the job. Look at carshare options locally (lots of Internet sites do it), or car clubs where you pay a subscription to use one as and when you need it. Or call a local cab company and try to strike a deal. It may be a lot cheaper than buying, taxing, maintaining a vehicle of your own. Or a little scooter? Cheap to run.

DH sounds like he's making excuses, bless him he's not ready for the change! He'll get used to it in time. And if you can, get a cleaner as that will be the next battleground 'if you hadn't taken the job the house wouldn't be so messy/dirty' etc etc.

Good luck, with the new job. You can dooooo it

Original poster

Thegirlwithallthegifts · 13/07/2015 12:22

Thanks everyone!
I accepted the job this morning!

Spoke to dh last night and after a initial strop, he apologised (via text ) and said he'd be more supportive.

We're going to try to continue with him carpooling for a while and look into getting a car in a few months.

I'm still pretty annoyed, but at least he seems to be on my side now.

OP posts:

BrowersBlues · 13/07/2015 12:26

Great news, well done! I am delighted for you. You can help bring him into the 21st century, he probably just panicked.

I hope the job works out well. It will be great for you personally to have something in your life that you can you can focus on and be good at. There will be tough days but life is tough. Best of luck.

Ashbeeee · 13/07/2015 12:35

I'm loving all the rampant feminism on this thread. Fabulous!

OP, keep raging. Your new company is lucky to have you as you are an obvious go-getter.

Love it.

Teabagbeforemilk · 13/07/2015 12:36

He apologised....that's great. But has he explained why he is so against it? Have you resolved that issue? Are you sure he isn't going to accept it for now and then go out of his way to make problems so he can then prove he was right all along?

I would be quite wary unless you actually sit down and discuss what his problems are.

Congratulations on the job!!'

PeterParkerSays · 13/07/2015 12:38

Hopefully this is an issue with him not liking change rather than being a misogynistic arse. How is he when you move house / when DS was born - you'll know if this is a change thing or a "Big Man ugg!" thing.

And good luck with the job.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 13/07/2015 12:43

Don't forget to sit down and discuss who'll be doing what around the house and childcare, once you're working. Don't be afraid to broach the subject in case he kicks off again. Let him show he's sorry by helping plan your changed family life.

BrowersBlues · 13/07/2015 12:51

Ash I agree entirely. It is barely believeable that this conversation occurred between a man and his wife in 2015. I was almost fit to be tied. As for the in-laws, Jesus.

This post really surprised me. My dear old dad in his 80's wouldn't have ever said anything like this to his wife or his 4 DDs. He loves women and views men and women as completely equal.

OP again, I am delighted for you.

BringMeTea · 13/07/2015 12:51

Great news that you have accepted. Lots of luck in your new job. How exciting!

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