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Original poster

To be feeling very sorry for myself over this job?

290 replies

Thegirlwithallthegifts · 11/07/2015 03:52

I posted yesterday about a fantastic new job I've been offered, but it's looking more and more likely that I'm going to have to turn it down and I'm feeling really bloody down about it.

We're basically struggling with figuring out how I'm going to get there. It's a 20 minute drive away, and buying a new car will be expensive for us.

I sugested using our overdrafts and gradually paying it back with the extra money I'd be earning, but dh is unwilling to use that option.

DH is totally unwilling to compromise or see the very real long term benefits of the job. He keeps talking about how he won't be able to do overtime and how it'll affect him. I'm not denying it wont, but I really feel that I need to make a start on a proper career soon or it may never happen, and I've looked after the childcare side of things for long enough. He keeps telling to to show him the figures, and is being slow at finding out about his companies childcare voucher scheme, expecting me to work it all out. All the while saying its a joint decision that we both have to make Angry

He says that his career is the one with the potential to earn more money, which is true to an extent, but a managerial position in the company I've been offered a job with has a good wage, and even the starting salary I've been offered is only £3000 off what he's earning how. It's also taking him a long time to climb the career ladder, and there's already talk from the company about moving me to a more senior role depending on how my probation goes.

I suggested that he could continue to carpool and we could find some way of splitting the car up for the days I need it. He says that there are days where he's not able to car pool, which is true, but it doesn't happen THAT often and I'm sure we could figure out a temporary solution for when that happens.

Then I sugested him driving me and DS into town to catch the bus- no, too early in the morning and too much driving, which I do accept, but I would do it for him if I had to (I have driven him all the way to work many times before) and it would only be until we could afford another car.

I'm just so upset at the horrible unfairness of it all. If this was his job, I doubt we'd even be having a conversation about it. I know we have to find a solution to suit both of us, but he's basically already said no and giving me little room to manoeuvre.

Please, somebody come up with a solution! I'm all out of ideas and will bloody kick myself if I have to turn down a great job.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thegirlwithallthegifts · 11/07/2015 05:17

I did think about moped or bike, but DS will be traveling with me, and as much as he'd love it... Probably a tad illegal to have a 2.5yo on a moped!!

Oooh, beaufort I like that idea!!

I'll look into car leasing. I fear it might be a little out of our price range, but I'll certainly see.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thegirlwithallthegifts · 11/07/2015 05:21

Just had a quick look at leasing, it actually seems really reasonable. Will research more...

OP posts:
BrilliantDayForTheRace · 11/07/2015 05:22

Buy a cheap car! Leasing will be way more expensive.

I agree with everyone else. He's deliberately sabotaging you. Absolutely don't let him.

He's not concerned about a cheap car being unsafe. He just doesn't want you getting independent and earning MORE than him.

Bovnydazzler · 11/07/2015 05:36

Don't lease it's such a false economy if you don't actually need a brand new car, you'll pay far more back than it's worth and not always actually end up with a car that's yours at the end up it. Cars these days are so much more reliable than they were years ago. You can buy a decent, safe 10 year old Polo etc, £1k or so is nothing compared to your earning potential.

don't let your DH hold you back.

Sounds like a second car is the most workable but doesn't have to cost you £5k (or £200 a month for the next 5 years if you lease).

wheelycote · 11/07/2015 05:38

Congtatulations!! and by the sound of it...it's too good an opportunity to turn down.

It would be a shame to not try and make it work. Cheap car it or what about buses?

condaleeza · 11/07/2015 05:39

Your DH probably needs time to get used to the idea since it will mean a bit of effort on his part. But I agree with others that you should take it especially as it's a good salary and as you say not far off his, and his chances of career progression sound a bit uncertain. Just keep pointing out the arguments in favour of taking the job, the solutions as suggested above and after a few days tell him you've accepted it because its the best option for the whole family.

Original poster
Thegirlwithallthegifts · 11/07/2015 05:45

Yes, looking into it further I think a cheap car is my only option.

Unless he would give me a 10 min lift into town, a public transport would take 50 mins and not get me there early enough for work. Not really an option unfortunately.

OP posts:
Whipnaenae · 11/07/2015 05:46

Just buy another car. Why does he get to decide?

Cornettoninja · 11/07/2015 05:58

On the days he can't car pool could you get a taxi to the bus stop? Would that damage your finances much?

I'd look at it as a temporary measure till your earning and can get a car without him putting up barriers.

For the sake of a ten minute journey it's silly to let him squash the possibility all together.

PrimalLass · 11/07/2015 06:00

Tell him that you are not asking his permission. Just do it.

He sounds like a dick.

Icimoi · 11/07/2015 06:07

I suspect a loan would be cheaper than the overdraft option. I agree that a 20 minute journey is really nothing; also that there is nothing inherently unsafe about a cheap car. The whole thing seems a bit of a no-brainer to me. Take the job!

paxtecum · 11/07/2015 06:07

Just do it.
He is being selfish.

You can use the better car and he can use the cheaper car the days he needs it.

VashtaNerada · 11/07/2015 06:07

Yes, go for it! DH and I roughly take it in turns to be the one who focuses on their career. If one of us is going for a promotion or new job, the other one steps back from overtime etc to bear the brunt of childcare for a bit. Sounds like it's your turn to me!

Minesril · 11/07/2015 06:11

Could you cycle the commute?

Golfhotelromeofoxtrot · 11/07/2015 06:13

A 20 min taxi ride on the rare days he can't car pool is MUCH cheaper than buying a car.

Please don't turn this job down!

Fallout4 · 11/07/2015 06:18

Tell him don't ask him!
You've been reasonable and he is being obstructive whilst you are trying to do the right thing for your family.
Take the job & buy a cheap 2nd hand car with the overdraft.
Congratulations on the job offer, don't let him ruin it for you. He will come round to it I'm sure.

TheDailyWail · 11/07/2015 06:19

Please take the job, it sounds like it will make you happy. As for your husband, he needs some sense shaking into him!

tumbletumble · 11/07/2015 06:20

Please don't turn this job down, OP. It sounds really good and these opportunities don't grow on trees! Saying that a cheap car will be unsafe is ridiculous, your DH is trying to find excuses (why? Doesn't he want you to succeed?).

ShutTheFuckUpBarbara · 11/07/2015 06:22

With an extra £300 a month, you can easily repay a car loan.

It sounds like your DH is scared of change. How about suggesting you try it out for a year and if after that time it doesn't work for you as a family (not just for him!) you will start looking at other jobs?

By then he will have realised that your lives have changed for the better

gamerwidow · 11/07/2015 06:22

Lots of workable options here. Tell him if you can't get the car he'll have to drive you to town to get public transport everyday. Yes it's more driving for him but if he can't give you 40 mins of his time 5 days a week so you can have the job you would love his a dick.

DoreenLethal · 11/07/2015 06:31

Have you ever discussed him taking a particular job before?

He is not the judge and jury. If he is genuinely saying you cant take the job as he will have to do more family stuff, then you need the job more than you know.

My last vehicle cost £3k, which you could pay off in 10 months with the extra cash.

Raasay · 11/07/2015 06:32

Take the job.
Fix the transport problem but take the job.

OP I am beginning to feel increasingly strongly about women making themselves financially vulnerable by losing any sort of career path.

I was a SAHM until my DC went to school but I knew my DH would be supportive of my return to work and I took a gamble (which paid off) that my prior reputation would stand me in good stead for picking my career back up.

I have a number of friends who are SAHMs to school age children or have very low paid jobs in order to facilitate their DH's careers. While there's absolutely nothing wrong with that I do worry about how vulnerable they are if their marriage breaks down or something happens to their DHs.

From your post your DH doesn't sound like he'd be easy to deal with in case of a divorce (sorry, I'm sure he's lovely normally)

You little one will be at school in the next few years which will cut your child care costs, meantime your salary is likely to increase.

Take the job

(Good luck)

Athenaviolet · 11/07/2015 06:33

Tbh his attitude and behaviour are red flags for controlling and financially abusive partners.

The overdraft account has your name on it, I assume? Use the £500 and take the job.

He has no good reason for opposing this.

He really doesn't sound like a very pleasant man.

Teabagbeforemilk · 11/07/2015 06:39

He is being a shit.

I feel very lucky that dh supported me and actively did things to help. When returned to work he owne his own restaurant so he stopped working day shifts and worked the eveninga only. As my job could only be done during the day.

I think there is more to this OP. 20 mins is local. He is there father and taking his kids to school is not just your responsibility.

2 cars will be much eaiser.

Original poster
Thegirlwithallthegifts · 11/07/2015 06:48

He is nice, I promise.

He can be really really stubborn and set in his ways though. If he gets an idea in his head, he won't back down. It's not often I put my foot down, so he's going to get a shock!

My plan for today is to:
-Look into how much the taxi fare is.
-Visit the bank and talk to them about my loan and overdraft options.
-Tell dh to like it or lump it.

Thank you all so so much, I probably would be turning it down if it wasnt for you!

OP posts: