To be feeling very sorry for myself over this job?

[Thegirlwithallthegifts]

I posted yesterday about a fantastic new job I've been offered, but it's looking more and more likely that I'm going to have to turn it down and I'm feeling really bloody down about it.

We're basically struggling with figuring out how I'm going to get there. It's a 20 minute drive away, and buying a new car will be expensive for us.

I sugested using our overdrafts and gradually paying it back with the extra money I'd be earning, but dh is unwilling to use that option.

DH is totally unwilling to compromise or see the very real long term benefits of the job. He keeps talking about how he won't be able to do overtime and how it'll affect him. I'm not denying it wont, but I really feel that I need to make a start on a proper career soon or it may never happen, and I've looked after the childcare side of things for long enough. He keeps telling to to show him the figures, and is being slow at finding out about his companies childcare voucher scheme, expecting me to work it all out. All the while saying its a joint decision that we both have to make

He says that his career is the one with the potential to earn more money, which is true to an extent, but a managerial position in the company I've been offered a job with has a good wage, and even the starting salary I've been offered is only £3000 off what he's earning how. It's also taking him a long time to climb the career ladder, and there's already talk from the company about moving me to a more senior role depending on how my probation goes.

I suggested that he could continue to carpool and we could find some way of splitting the car up for the days I need it. He says that there are days where he's not able to car pool, which is true, but it doesn't happen THAT often and I'm sure we could figure out a temporary solution for when that happens.

Then I sugested him driving me and DS into town to catch the bus- no, too early in the morning and too much driving, which I do accept, but I would do it for him if I had to (I have driven him all the way to work many times before) and it would only be until we could afford another car.

I'm just so upset at the horrible unfairness of it all. If this was his job, I doubt we'd even be having a conversation about it. I know we have to find a solution to suit both of us, but he's basically already said no and giving me little room to manoeuvre.

Please, somebody come up with a solution! I'm all out of ideas and will bloody kick myself if I have to turn down a great job.

OP I'm so happy you've accepted the job - it sounds like you, the job and the company are absolutely perfect for each other, and I think you would have been kicking yourself forever if you hadn't taken it.

I second everyone who says get a small, cheap car, at least until you can save enough for a more permanent model. Second hand ones can be very reasonable if you do a bit of searching around, or deposits and leasing as others have said can be a very small monthly cost. Something like a small Dacia, a Ford or a Citroen might be perfect!

Good luck, I'm really glad you're doing the right thing!

Congratulations OP! I hope you don't think I'm being rude but please make sure you're taking care of your contraception. My friend was in a very similar situation, except her DH is ALWAYS an arse (and very abusive!). She was pregnant within 3 months and is back to the kitchen sink - burst condom apparently #sigh.

Very good advice Lemmein.

Some men definitely feel threatened by their wives working. It's not necessary malicious in that they want their wife to be at their beck and call and chained to the sink, but just that they are lazy and don't want their lives to change. Life is too easy if mum/wife is at home doing all the housework (and childcare).

My mum told me that my father once told a work colleague not to let his wife learn to drive because it would give her too much freedom! My mum always had a car - in the days when a lot of women didn't drive.

I wouldn't take any messing from parents-in-law and am very glad that you have taken the job. DEFINITELY make sure you have back-up transport and childcare plans as others have suggested.

At least he has apologised. Maybe once he has seen that dropping the kids to breakfast club a couple of times a week isn't the disaster he's made it out to be, he may get back on track. Just remember, this is the kind of man your PILs have raised with their retrograde attitude- one who can't cope with women having equal or higher status and can't cope with his own children. You have the chance to raise better men. It's one of the reasons I did go back to work, so my boys could see a relationship where both mummy and daddy can work and look after them, and that dads are perfectly capable of doing childcare and even cook them the occasional tea!

I'm glad he backed down. You deserve the same privilege he has of being able to work outside the home.

Glad he's copped onto himself.

SO glad you have taken the job, congratulations it sounds like an amazing opportunity.

Glad you've accepted the job!

Congratulations OP. However, the cynic in me says keep researching cars as there's really nothing like being self reliant (especially given your DH's track record).

You can get car leasing arrangements now which are much cheaper in monthly payments than hire purchase.

Hurrah! So glad you've accepted the job, glad your DH has apologised but please don't wait to get your own transport, get it as soon as you can. He might have sorted his head out, but equally he might not have done and may still sabotage you; carpooling sounds too dubious, especially as it doesn't always work out, and you can bet your bottom dollar that if it doesn't, he'll be insisting that he gets the car that day and you can take a day off or something.

So please, don't wait a few months, borrow if you have to but get that second car ASAP.

Fantastic news.

Did you post when you applied for this job? DH was annoyed at the time as he didn't want to have to take on the extra childcare/ children-dropping-off responsibilities?

Agree wtih Thumb - you need to sort out transport more firmly. Because otherwise you could find yourself in a situation where you're late or skipping work because he suddenly "needs" the car. I don't mean to be negative, but I think it's clear he doesn't want you to take this job and consciously or not might sabotage it.

Ah, what good news.

Great news!

Congrats on the new job and on getting an apology!

Congrats OP.

Just one thing: make sure you come down on him like a tonne of bricks the very first time he spouts the "well, I told you not to take the job, sort it out yourself" scenario arises, which it will when DC is unwell or whatever. Do not give him even one chance to think you doubt your decision, or that he has an equal duty to your children.

Yes definitely Brock. He will need to do his fair share.

Hi everyone,

I don't want to keep dragging out the thread, but you were all so wonderfully helpful and supportive i thought you might be interested in a little update...

My friends have been amazing and gave me great advice too. They were appalled at what had happened. My parents also accepted it as soon as i told them i'd taken the job, and now are being very helpful and enthusiastic about it. I was also offered a pretty fab starting bonus as the company didn't want me to be put off working for them by the price of childcare, so things are definitely going well.

So i think we last got to DP saying he was going to support my decision. I decided not to dwell on it and move on, so things were back to normal within a day or two.

Well a week later, i made the very silly mistake of telling DP that a nursery in the town we live in called to offer me an interview a week later. By this time, i was already talking to my new boss, sorting out nursery and childcare places for DS's and everything was generally going very well RE new job. Admittedly looking back, i probably should have just gone for the interview, but tbh, they pay and career prospects aren't as good there, so i'm definitely ok with the decision i made.

He flipped out and basically started ranting on about how i should have taken the job in our town (even though i hadn't been offered anything) and even admitted that the reason he was upset about me working was because it would be more leg work for him (dropping off and picking up DS from childcare 4 days a week. It's a 5 minute drive on his journey to work ) He said the new position he was going for meant lots of overtime (which he'd never mentioned before), but later admitted that he'd lied about that and it'd be no more than he usually does. Anyway, he calmed down a bit and apologised.

We then saw his parents, who after giving DH advice for his upcoming job interview, decided to interrogate me about my new job. This culminated in MIL ranting about 'sometimes you have to do whats best for your family' (i.e. you're being selfish) and again telling me that i needed to find somewhere in our home town. It was all really embarrassing and DH just sat there while she had a go at me. I was so shocked all i did was walk away.

I've never been so genuinely angry in my life. It was so shocking it was almost funny! I couldn't believe how sexist they were being. They had literally just been getting excited about DH's job interview, giving him tips on his presentation, do's and don'ts, getting very excited about it. Why are they not having a go at him about reducing his hours and doing whats best for his family!? GRRR!!

When DH had his interview the other day i made sure i was extra supportive and excited for him. Obviously i genuinely wanted him to get it, but i admit it felt rather good showing up his crap behaviour towards me .

I am DETERMINED that this will work. I'm going to work my fucking ass off and prove to them that i can do it. I've started getting the house in order, writing checklists for the kids, so that when i start i can be efficient and make it look easy I treated myself to a huge slice of cake from Patisserie Valerie to celebrate with the kids (seeing as i won't be getting any 'well done's' from anyone else) and i'm SUPER positive and excited about it all now. Screw them.

Thank you again for all of your advice.

Really well done you!!! Great news about the job and bonus. Bloody awful that you had to endure that ear bashing from the in laws! Screw them indeed!

Go on, prepare a rant for MIL and FIL and tell your husband you'll "humiliate" him in front of his parents by not being "subservient." Make sure to lay it on thick about his class ceiling versus your promotion prospects.

I'm so glad that you took the job and you're staying so strong about it! I'm sure your DH is a nice person in general but he's making himself look like an utter, utter knob in this situation and I'm so angry on your behalf. He is being selfish and childish, and actually lying to put you off the new job is a disgrace. All because he actually needs to muck in and look after his own children?! You're a better woman than I am - I'd bounce him up and down the street if he treated me that way.

Well done op!!! you stick it to them

Well you've got 'well dines' from all of us, and let's face it, we're the ones that really count .

How are things now with pils? Can you go back to being civil with them after that? I'm not sure I could. I would defo have to highlight their hypocrisy at the very least. Poor you. What wankers.

from me! to say well done. (Buy yourself well done cake every day for the first week of work and don't get any for dh)

Dines? dones of course. Fuck you autocorrect.

Ive not rtft but just wanted to say, if you get a day when you are stuck for transport, get a taxi. I was appalled when my brother did this as taxis were unimaginable luxury, but if you compare it to the cost of a day off work, it is reasonable. (his shifts were 4 am starts, we both used to bike a lot in those days, trying to remember if he had an injury preventing that)