To be feeling very sorry for myself over this job?

[Thegirlwithallthegifts]

I posted yesterday about a fantastic new job I've been offered, but it's looking more and more likely that I'm going to have to turn it down and I'm feeling really bloody down about it.

We're basically struggling with figuring out how I'm going to get there. It's a 20 minute drive away, and buying a new car will be expensive for us.

I sugested using our overdrafts and gradually paying it back with the extra money I'd be earning, but dh is unwilling to use that option.

DH is totally unwilling to compromise or see the very real long term benefits of the job. He keeps talking about how he won't be able to do overtime and how it'll affect him. I'm not denying it wont, but I really feel that I need to make a start on a proper career soon or it may never happen, and I've looked after the childcare side of things for long enough. He keeps telling to to show him the figures, and is being slow at finding out about his companies childcare voucher scheme, expecting me to work it all out. All the while saying its a joint decision that we both have to make

He says that his career is the one with the potential to earn more money, which is true to an extent, but a managerial position in the company I've been offered a job with has a good wage, and even the starting salary I've been offered is only £3000 off what he's earning how. It's also taking him a long time to climb the career ladder, and there's already talk from the company about moving me to a more senior role depending on how my probation goes.

I suggested that he could continue to carpool and we could find some way of splitting the car up for the days I need it. He says that there are days where he's not able to car pool, which is true, but it doesn't happen THAT often and I'm sure we could figure out a temporary solution for when that happens.

Then I sugested him driving me and DS into town to catch the bus- no, too early in the morning and too much driving, which I do accept, but I would do it for him if I had to (I have driven him all the way to work many times before) and it would only be until we could afford another car.

I'm just so upset at the horrible unfairness of it all. If this was his job, I doubt we'd even be having a conversation about it. I know we have to find a solution to suit both of us, but he's basically already said no and giving me little room to manoeuvre.

Please, somebody come up with a solution! I'm all out of ideas and will bloody kick myself if I have to turn down a great job.

Take the job! Think long term, and take the job!

He's putting in barriers because he knows that he might have to take more responsibility in running the household as it were.

Zopa offers very good loans btw - apr is low and they'll approve within a couple of days. I bought a 61 plate hyundai a few months ago for 5k: the repayments are £80 a month.

Men can be a bit funny about the earning potential of women. I know my DH has been (which I've paid no attention to). I'm pt but my FTE has overtaken his. In fact, if I ever go back to ft, he'll be the one to reduce his hours.

In fact, put that to him. You work, he reduces hours. He might change his tune.

And I echo those who say 20 isn't a commute. I know so many people who would delight in such a short journey to work.

Another one saying get a car. My last one cost £1,500 and lasted me 3yrs until it was more garage fees every month than worth.

I think some people are scared of change and if things have been ticking along nicely (especially if you dealing with logistics of children and home life) he may be worried. Throw him a few brochures of holiday cottages declaring "oooh maybe one with a pool next year eh ?" !

Maybe it's high earner factor.

Either reasons are solvable.

Perhaps say "not buying these excuses, what's the real reason?"

But accept the job or you'll regret it and you could up begrudgingly it later and it affecting your relationship.

Take the job. You can buy a cheap little car very reasonably - ask around friends and family to see if anyone's getting rid of one (when I left the UK I sold my little car but I'd have happily given it to a friend who needed it for peanuts.)

Having a job, your own car etc will give you financial independence - why is he so keen to stop you? My dh would be brainstorming ways of getting me there.

Manchester Mummy - don't let your DH dictate your future - remember "those who are most inconvenienced will make the most resistance". You need to get back on the career ladder, it's not for him to call the shots and you need to take back your life. Who made him the boss!!!

Sorry, this was meant for Thegirl, not Manchester Mummy - must wake up before posting!!

Sorry, this was meant for Thegirl, not Manchester Mummy - must wake up before posting!!

We buy our cars off eBay. The one I am driving now cost £900 and has been going for 7 years. I have the top home and onward travel + 3 day car hire thru RAC just in case. I have used the service 2x in the last 7 years. Buying a new car is a complete waste of money.

OP, I haven't RTFT so apologies if it's been suggested already. Could you get a cab into town then get the bus? Or buy a cheap car? I paid £250 for my little car it worked well but I had to stop driving so the battery's dead but ts a very good car for the price though and I found it on eBay.

This sounds so horrible and I'm frustrated for you

As someone who had a good career and is now virtually unemployable after staying at home for many years, I'd say take it.

It's understandable dh doesn't want his nice easy world to change. Nobody wants negative change. But he needs to look long term. Try to get him seeing the positives too. Keep talking to him about what you can possibly do with the extra money.

My current car cost £1000 and is a nice but v dull people carrier. It goes from A to B, doesn't use much petrol and at the next big garage bill I'll dump it for another one.

You would be out of your overdraft in no time if you are £300 a month better off.

I've never spent more than £8000 on a car, and find it gets less with each new purchase.

Oh God DEFINITELY take the job OP! It sounds like an excellent opportunity.

And buy yourself a car. Or take his. It sounds like he's had it easy for too long.

Take the job.
Buy a cheap car - get a personal loan if necessary.
Take no shit from your H on this.
If he continues to be an arse tell him he is supposed to enhance your life not make it harder. Tell him his behaviour is changing how you see him and your marriage.

Take the job.

Please take the job.

Sorry, I haven't been able to read all the posts, but it sounds like your DH is being bloody selfish. Perhaps he doesn't see it that way, but I would be standing my ground in this situation. It sounds like he believes he holds all the power and has the final say. TBH, I think that if he gets his way with this, it opens up the way for him to walk all over you in the future. TBH, for me, I couldn't remain in a relationship where I was treated that way.

Obviously not an easy thing to do.

Sorry, for the two TBH's.....I wish you could edit posts for a few mins after submitting.

Take it, figure it out somehow.

Why is the car you have now (jointly) considered "his"?

aren't you (supposed to be) a team?

Can either of you bike to bus or train?

A little moped?

I think his reasons to keep you down are dubious, try and make this happen!

It is so wonderful you have a job you look forward to, don't give it up.

Also, it's not just about money, is it? It's about partnership and equality. Why are his needs more important than yours?!

I suspect two things here - your DH does not want your career to be better than his and also he does not want to step up to child/household duties.

Could you buy a car and somehow get it onto a 0% credit card? You would get a decent car for 2k and still be £100 per month better off.

Congratulations! Formally accept the job offer by writing that letter or email, and do it before you have the putting your foot down conversation with DH. It's a done deal then.
Everyone has given really good suggestions for ways around the problem (and why DH is being an arse) but - worst case - you can get a cab to the bus stop for a couple of weeks until you sort the money for a car. It really won't break the bank and it's such an easy problem to fix vs the huge rewards you'll get for fixing it.
Good luck.

Take the job OP dont try and talk him into it anymore he's being an arse. You can easily afcord a car with your extra wages plus all the money you'll save on food

I think I would end up being very resentful if I didn't take an opportunity like this.

Where do you live op, maybe we can help find a run around for you?

Please take the job, I would love to be offered a job I'm massively keen on! You have to take these chances. It does sound like he's feeling a bit threatened (if he's not the breadwinner or the carer then what is he?), but he must get over it. It is your life too, if this will make you happy it's important you do it and overcome the obstacles. You won't be needed at home forever, the kids grow up so fast, once they leave home you'll be looking at your life and don't want to be thinking "if only".

I hope he sees the light and gets supportive on this. Good luck! :)

take the job.
he's being deliberately obstructive.
he sounds like he wants you barefoot and chained to the kitchen sink.

Wegotthere an old Toyota corolla. It was 14 years old and cost a grand. We got 4 years hassle free motoring out of it and got £100 back for scrap. It was a great car. Cost nothing for repairs . We ranit into the ground.

Past all it's mots with flying colours.

Why should they be unsafe.

My Toyota is 13 years old and hasn't even warmed up yet.

He's got another agenda!

We got an old Toyota !