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Original poster

To be feeling very sorry for myself over this job?

290 replies

Thegirlwithallthegifts · 11/07/2015 03:52

I posted yesterday about a fantastic new job I've been offered, but it's looking more and more likely that I'm going to have to turn it down and I'm feeling really bloody down about it.

We're basically struggling with figuring out how I'm going to get there. It's a 20 minute drive away, and buying a new car will be expensive for us.

I sugested using our overdrafts and gradually paying it back with the extra money I'd be earning, but dh is unwilling to use that option.

DH is totally unwilling to compromise or see the very real long term benefits of the job. He keeps talking about how he won't be able to do overtime and how it'll affect him. I'm not denying it wont, but I really feel that I need to make a start on a proper career soon or it may never happen, and I've looked after the childcare side of things for long enough. He keeps telling to to show him the figures, and is being slow at finding out about his companies childcare voucher scheme, expecting me to work it all out. All the while saying its a joint decision that we both have to make Angry

He says that his career is the one with the potential to earn more money, which is true to an extent, but a managerial position in the company I've been offered a job with has a good wage, and even the starting salary I've been offered is only £3000 off what he's earning how. It's also taking him a long time to climb the career ladder, and there's already talk from the company about moving me to a more senior role depending on how my probation goes.

I suggested that he could continue to carpool and we could find some way of splitting the car up for the days I need it. He says that there are days where he's not able to car pool, which is true, but it doesn't happen THAT often and I'm sure we could figure out a temporary solution for when that happens.

Then I sugested him driving me and DS into town to catch the bus- no, too early in the morning and too much driving, which I do accept, but I would do it for him if I had to (I have driven him all the way to work many times before) and it would only be until we could afford another car.

I'm just so upset at the horrible unfairness of it all. If this was his job, I doubt we'd even be having a conversation about it. I know we have to find a solution to suit both of us, but he's basically already said no and giving me little room to manoeuvre.

Please, somebody come up with a solution! I'm all out of ideas and will bloody kick myself if I have to turn down a great job.

OP posts:
tumbletumble · 11/07/2015 06:54

So pleased to hear this OP. Good luck with all the items on your list!

chrome100 · 11/07/2015 06:56

How many miles is it? Can you cycle?

wallypops · 11/07/2015 07:05

Dont rely on him for anything. Find your own solution but TAKE THE JOB! Also explain to him that you are taking the job. That it is not up for negotiation and that he is being an utter arse and you will probably never forgive him.

wowfudge · 11/07/2015 07:09

Another thing to consider OP is that your new employer may be able to assist you with getting a car - they may be able to advance you some money, give you a loan or even have a car sharing scheme?

Anyway - good luck with it all. If it were me with this opportunity, my DP would be coming up with ideas of how I could there, looking into the finances and pushing me to go for it. He's more confident of my abilities than I am at times!

Rebecca2014 · 11/07/2015 07:11

I got a Ford ka, only 500 pounds and I have found it be to very reliable so far, touch wood. Tax 15 pound a month, my insurance is high but I'm a new driver....if your not be a lot cheaper...

Your husband sounds controlling and very jealous. Good on you for trying better your life, an extra 300 a month is huge. Never rely solely on an man, you never know what going to happen in the future. Good luck on your future career????

BrookeDavies · 11/07/2015 07:13

Absolutely agree - take the job!

Maybe your compromise to him is that you'll taxi in on the days he can't car pool and if after a month or so if it doesn't work out then you'll look into buying a car.

Bank's are generally not the cheapest for a small loan, I used zopa before and that was pretty reasonable.

Good luck in your new job :)

Smoorikins · 11/07/2015 07:14

I agree you should take the job - bit I also think you should ask your husband why he doesn't want you to take the job.

It sounds like he is making excuses but not actually coming out and giving team reasons. Having that conversation might allow you to hear what the problem really is and then me able to address the genuine concerns - which is probably more to do with the impact on his life than it is to do with you driving a cheap car.

Good luck!

Capricorn76 · 11/07/2015 07:15

Bicycle? Moped? Run?

ConstanceBlackwood · 11/07/2015 07:15

Take that job OP!!! Your DH will get used to the new arrangement before too long and I'm sure you as a family will enjoy the extra money and security!
Enjoy your new job! Exciting times

Capricorn76 · 11/07/2015 07:15

Whatever you do do not let him sabotage you. Take the job.

msb123 · 11/07/2015 07:18

Try looking online for loans too, I brought my first car using an AA loan, dead simple and at the time good interest rates. Second the idea of leaving the cheaper car for the days dh can't carpool. Good luck and definitely go for it. Give it a year and if it is too much you can always look closer to home then.

Teabagbeforemilk · 11/07/2015 07:24

Great news!!! If he is usually lovely, he may just not like change. Or may enjoy you being at home and doing all the school runs. But that's not what you want anymore. As you husband he should support you!

Let us know how today goes!

wigglylines · 11/07/2015 07:26

You have to take it, otherwise can you imagine the resentment you will probably feel if you are still stuck doing work you don't want to do for years to come, and that you missed your opportunity? That's the kind of thing that can fester and create real problems down the line.

It would be bad for your relationship if you turn it down, tell him that!

purplemurple1 · 11/07/2015 07:28

I think you do is being an arse maybe is feels threatened you could earn mote than him.
How about a moped or bycicle

LindyHemming · 11/07/2015 07:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Capricorn76 · 11/07/2015 07:30

Sorry just saw that you can't moped although you could still put kid on back of your bicycle?

If it has to be a car just get a loan out in your own name, cut DH out of the discussion as he's a hinderence. I wouldn't normally suggest someone cut their partner out of financial decisions however, unfortunately from what I've observed in RL men like this should be treated with caution because if he loved you he'd want to help you achieve your goals not block you. Do not remain financially reliant on this man.

ValancyJane · 11/07/2015 07:30

Definitely take the job, it sounds like you would massively regret turning it down. I agree with others, get yourself a cheap little car (with the idea that you can always upgrade in a year or so). If you'd be £300/month better off, you could always get something a bit better on finance if your OH is that concerned. I like the suggestion someone else made about if he's that worried HE can drive the old car!! And huge congratulations OP, sounds like a great opportunity for you Flowers

MrsKoala · 11/07/2015 07:32

It seems he likes his life the way it is - easy for him. So he can't understand why you aren't happy to continue to facilitate that, even tho it would mean you were happier and more fulfilled - because why aren't you happy and fulfilled enough the way things are? Is he feeling the fact you want more is an implied criticism of you life up to now? Does he think you are saying you haven't been happy? It's all obstructive childishness.

I would sit down and ask him why he is doing this? Why he isn't willing to put himself out even slightly for a very short time in the scheme of things. If at the end of the conversation he was still being like it, I would just tell him I was buying a car and would sort it all out myself without his support. I would also say how disappointed I was in his attitude and it would very much cloud my feelings towards him.

I have been in similar situations and the feeling of someone sabotaging you is really horrible and sadly makes you lose a bit of love and respect for them. You are supposed to be a team, not his cheer leader.

TheBobbinIsWound · 11/07/2015 07:32

I took a small loan out from Lombard when I got my first "decent" job because like you OP. I needed a reliable car.

Check your terms that you aren't penalised when you pay it off early and then you've got all the flexibility in the world.

And your Husband sounds like an arse over this. I agree with the PP who cited "red flags" for controlling and potentially financially abusive behaviour.

Instead of congratulating you, whooping around the kitchen and supporting you, he's making you doubt yourself and trying to stamp on your ambition. Ask him how he would feel if you were like that towards him.

Nope. Don't ask permission, just do it. Take out a loan in YOUR name for a car so it's nothing to do with him, get out there and nail it!

Congratulations on your new job!

Superworm · 11/07/2015 07:33

I was going to suggest cycling until I read the thread. I don't think this about transport or working locally and I agree about the red flags. Good for you for taking the job.

merrymouse · 11/07/2015 07:36

He sounds as though he is making up arguments because he likes the status quo of not having to take responsibility for day to day childcare issues.

I agree with mumbehavingbadly that the more he huffs about your independence, the more you need to be independent.

confusedandemployed · 11/07/2015 07:36

What MrsKoala said.

I'm delighted you've decided to go ahead OP. This is really, really impprtant for you. Whatever your DH's reasons for being so obstructive, they are not justified.

Good luck in your new job! Flowers

Allgunsblazing · 11/07/2015 07:43

OP, I know you're saying he's nice. You also say he's not used with you putting your foot down.
He's controlling. Which is different from caring. You should be partners, he should be supporting you. Instead he seems to be scared you'll become independent and he'll have to share the childcare. That's not on, at all.
Please take the job. You'll be brilliant at managing car/drop offs etc. Make sure you don't take on more than he does, it leads to resentments.

Teabagbeforemilk · 11/07/2015 07:54

It does sound like he is expecting to gather all the info and evidence and then present it too him for a final decision.

I think he is rattled. He doesn't want things to change or for you to be independent of him. Which is worrying

Binkybix · 11/07/2015 07:55

You must take the job. Have a conversation that makes him think long term. Sounds like a great opportunity - well done, and don't let it pass you by!