To be feeling very sorry for myself over this job?

[Thegirlwithallthegifts]

I posted yesterday about a fantastic new job I've been offered, but it's looking more and more likely that I'm going to have to turn it down and I'm feeling really bloody down about it.

We're basically struggling with figuring out how I'm going to get there. It's a 20 minute drive away, and buying a new car will be expensive for us.

I sugested using our overdrafts and gradually paying it back with the extra money I'd be earning, but dh is unwilling to use that option.

DH is totally unwilling to compromise or see the very real long term benefits of the job. He keeps talking about how he won't be able to do overtime and how it'll affect him. I'm not denying it wont, but I really feel that I need to make a start on a proper career soon or it may never happen, and I've looked after the childcare side of things for long enough. He keeps telling to to show him the figures, and is being slow at finding out about his companies childcare voucher scheme, expecting me to work it all out. All the while saying its a joint decision that we both have to make

He says that his career is the one with the potential to earn more money, which is true to an extent, but a managerial position in the company I've been offered a job with has a good wage, and even the starting salary I've been offered is only £3000 off what he's earning how. It's also taking him a long time to climb the career ladder, and there's already talk from the company about moving me to a more senior role depending on how my probation goes.

I suggested that he could continue to carpool and we could find some way of splitting the car up for the days I need it. He says that there are days where he's not able to car pool, which is true, but it doesn't happen THAT often and I'm sure we could figure out a temporary solution for when that happens.

Then I sugested him driving me and DS into town to catch the bus- no, too early in the morning and too much driving, which I do accept, but I would do it for him if I had to (I have driven him all the way to work many times before) and it would only be until we could afford another car.

I'm just so upset at the horrible unfairness of it all. If this was his job, I doubt we'd even be having a conversation about it. I know we have to find a solution to suit both of us, but he's basically already said no and giving me little room to manoeuvre.

Please, somebody come up with a solution! I'm all out of ideas and will bloody kick myself if I have to turn down a great job.

Please take the job OP. Opportunities like that don't come along often and you know you'd regret turning it down. We spend so much time at work that it's important to make sure we are happy there.

If it's only osscasionally that DH can't car pool, I'd suggest using a taxi on those occasions. It would probably still work out less costly than a second car and all the related costs eg insurance etc.

No one ever likes to think of sad situations happening eg DH leaving them, but it's always wise to be set up for independence just in case.

Maybe your compromise to him is that you'll taxi in on the days he can't car pool and if after a month or so if it doesn't work out then you'll look into buying a car.

Or they can alternate taxis on non-car pool days and then 'we'll' look into buying a car. He doesn't get the first bids on everything!

The only response to someone getting a job should be 'fantastic - we will get around the nitty gritty together'...not 'you go away and research and present me with your ideas to resolve it'. Fuck that!

I can understand him being nervous about change and about taking on debt but I can't understand him not compromise I sing or seeing the benefits of a second income.

What about a lease car as a short term option. Have a look on hotukdeals as there are always lease deals posted there. Many don't require a big deposit and you can get a small care for around £100 a month. It just seems more reliable than a cheap banger. Would be awful constantly breaking down over winter or something when you're trying to make a good impression.

Is he your manager. That "go away and find a solution" shit would really get my goat

I guess he realises that this job will mean he has to pull his weight more with the kids and house. He doesn't like that idea. Hence the resistance

But sod that for a game of soldiers! Take the job and say "I've taken it - now how do we work this out?"

Take the job OP. I second but in a cheap car for the time being. Please come back and tell us how great it is when you start too.

buying

I'll admit to not reading all the posts so sorry if it's already been mentioned... could you get moped/vespa or even a push bike
good luck... for what it's worth... I'd take the job

What others have said. See if you can buy a cheap car and take the job. You're obviously very excited about it and financially it sounds like it really makes sense. But do be prepared for some battles ahead!

My DH was the opposite of yours and wanted me to go back to work (I wasn't so keen!). However the household stuff that miraculously was always done when he got home has to be shared. As does time off for school holidays, sick children etc.

A working wife means he has to share the responsibilities for life!

I bought a second hand 8 year old diesel Punto for 2k. It's been a great car, has done me and DD for the last 2 years and I actually prefer driving it to driving the family car.

Insurance is buttons (20 yrs driving, no claims or offences) and I only fill it up once a month - my 'commute' is only 10 mins and town (3 times a week) is only 15 minutes.

Look at independent small garages for bargains and sign up for their MOT/Servicing then they'll be less likely to be ant to screw you over - repeat business is king.

I won't comment on your DH because I'm shit at that sort of advice, but to an outsider he sounds controlling and a bit of a shit.

Im selling my car for 900 pounds due to relocating abroad if that wil help. Its a convertible Peugeot.

Jesus he sounds like a complete selfish arse.

Take the job. Buy a small cheap car.

as another poster has said I would ask him what his real concerns are because and try the softly softly approach. All the stuff he is coming up with about transport there are lots of solutions to and he is finding more silly reasons to say no. If he is really stubborn then just telling him you are taking it with out giving a shit what he thinks will make him dig his heels in more. make him feel as though he is involved in the decision whilst having every intention of taking the job. Let him know how much it means to you and that not taking it will make you really unhappy. If he really is nice he will find a way to support you despite his misgivings. my dh would be so excited about the extra money he'd be pushing me out the door!!

What is it about some men? Do they think that if they say "I promise to help you further your career and will do whatever I possibly can to make your life easier in the process" that their cocks will drop off?

Take the job. Buy a cheap car. Don't consult him any more, just do it. He will have to live with the consequences. Yes, he may sulk for a bit, but he'll get over it. On the days that his car pool doesn't work, he can get a bloody taxi.

His attitude stinks.

Please don't continue to pander to him. I'm glad you said you're taking the job.

With a small deposit you could lease a brand new Citroen c1 for £72 per month and then you wouldn't have yo worry about unexpected bills on a cheap car citroen

Your DH is being an arse

Apologies, the personal leasing is £86 per month but still easily affordable with your new job

Thank goodness you're taking the job. If he can't work around things to help you get to work - after all the extra things you've done to help him to get to work - that's a very worrying double standard.

I wouldn't rely on him, and having a good job is the best position you can get into, to not rely on him.

The way the job works out (you know: extra money, happier you) will be its own "proof" of the rightness of your decision, so if he's really just being a bit stubborn (rather than horribly controlling), he'll come round. Don't spite the family to spare his ego!

I had a very very similar situation with my DH. I can't tell you how utterly disappointed I was to learn that after 12 years of me supporting him through his career he wasn't willing to inconvenience himself one bit to help me. I can an inch away from divorcing him. Thankfully he realised what a dick he was being and I now have the job and he's bending over backwards to make it work.

DO NOT let him stop you.

Just a gentle warning that he may try to make life difficult when you do actually start work - just be aware.

Good luck.

Could you borrow some money from parents/a family member for the car? Might that make your DH less nervous about the debt?

You HAVE to take this job. It is so obviously the right thing to do. Go softly softly with him or go all guns blazing, but you HAVE to take it.

Congrats on the job - well done. It sounds like it is just what you need at this point in your career and could offer you further prospects in the future.

You've been offered the job, not him. Only you can turn it down or accept it. And it reads like you already know what's right for you and the whole family!

I agree with the posters who have found his obstructiveness disturbing. I think ultimately it would be damaging to you personally to go along with him, and potentially a very destructive step in your relationship. I'm wondering what is really behind his reluctance to focus on the problem and not the solution. It sounds defensive. Is his position as main bread winner important to his self identity? Does he feel that taking on more child care would somehow emasculate him? Is dealing with change so challenging to him that can't be reasonable about it? Because he is just not being fair or reasonable. None of the barriers he has put to you are insurmountable, or unreasonable asks of him.

Twenty minute commute!! That's about as good as it gets here in London.

If you already have a high enough income to get a small loan (in your own name) to get a cheap small car, then do so (but best deal might not be from your bank). I would be inclined to make it very clear that this change is going to happen, and he needs to man up to it!

I think you'll be glad in the future and will wonder how you could ever have hesitated before accepting the job.

Is this actually about buying a car? Some men don't like the thought their wives may earn more than them, even if they say they don't care. You're starting on a salary only £3,000 less than he earns now you may surpass him sooner than later and he may be feeling threatened. Whatever the reason, take the job. I would be getting a cab to work everyday.
How will your relationship work if you are forced to turn the job down because of his bloody mindedness.

Definitely take the job - no question. I agree with poster above about leasing options. There are some 0% APR deals at the moment. The ones with interest rates tend to have lower deposits but there are some reasonable small cars out there. Have a look at What Car for safety/ reliability, then see what the garages are offering.

Enjoy your new job!

Can I add, I would also have described my DH as lovely but set in his ways but this incident made me realise just how much selfish behaviour I had put up with. It caused a massive crisis in our relationship.

OP you should not have to put your foot down. He should be delighted for you and keen to make it work. That's what partners are for ffs.