To be feeling very sorry for myself over this job?

[Thegirlwithallthegifts]

I posted yesterday about a fantastic new job I've been offered, but it's looking more and more likely that I'm going to have to turn it down and I'm feeling really bloody down about it.

We're basically struggling with figuring out how I'm going to get there. It's a 20 minute drive away, and buying a new car will be expensive for us.

I sugested using our overdrafts and gradually paying it back with the extra money I'd be earning, but dh is unwilling to use that option.

DH is totally unwilling to compromise or see the very real long term benefits of the job. He keeps talking about how he won't be able to do overtime and how it'll affect him. I'm not denying it wont, but I really feel that I need to make a start on a proper career soon or it may never happen, and I've looked after the childcare side of things for long enough. He keeps telling to to show him the figures, and is being slow at finding out about his companies childcare voucher scheme, expecting me to work it all out. All the while saying its a joint decision that we both have to make

He says that his career is the one with the potential to earn more money, which is true to an extent, but a managerial position in the company I've been offered a job with has a good wage, and even the starting salary I've been offered is only £3000 off what he's earning how. It's also taking him a long time to climb the career ladder, and there's already talk from the company about moving me to a more senior role depending on how my probation goes.

I suggested that he could continue to carpool and we could find some way of splitting the car up for the days I need it. He says that there are days where he's not able to car pool, which is true, but it doesn't happen THAT often and I'm sure we could figure out a temporary solution for when that happens.

Then I sugested him driving me and DS into town to catch the bus- no, too early in the morning and too much driving, which I do accept, but I would do it for him if I had to (I have driven him all the way to work many times before) and it would only be until we could afford another car.

I'm just so upset at the horrible unfairness of it all. If this was his job, I doubt we'd even be having a conversation about it. I know we have to find a solution to suit both of us, but he's basically already said no and giving me little room to manoeuvre.

Please, somebody come up with a solution! I'm all out of ideas and will bloody kick myself if I have to turn down a great job.

Take the job for sure! And well done and confratulations on the new job!

I've seen SAHMs now who've taken their foot off the pedal when it comes to returning to work, I think 2 architects (I think they both went back part time after maternity leave and 1 has since started her own company).

The other SAHM (arch/interior designer) took time off after she was married and didn't go back at all after DC and I know now she does the odd bit of work but I think she has wished she had worked part time. Other SAHM I think she either does consultancy work (marketing and PR for architects) but has to as her DH's position is/was precarious in work.

Although I wouldn't like to I think if I had the option of going back part time at least after a year off, if I got pregnant (not at that stage now anyway!).

You can certainly do it, maybe also a chat about your work progression and maybe reassure him it won't matter if you do progress more (maybe don't say that!).

With your extra money do be sure not only to treat DH and kids but also yourself to something nice as a pat on the back. You're lucky to have got such a good job with such a short commute (Londoner here we'd kill for 20 mins!).

There's a r reg green same as my oh for £600 with less than 70,000 on the clock

Bargain.

www.autotrader.co.uk/search/used/cars/toyota/corolla/postcode/mk62hh/radius/100/price-to/2000/price-from/500/onesearchad/used%2Cnearlynew%2Cnew/quicksearch/true

Thank you all for your suggestions and support. We're at a family birthday today, so I'll read through the thread and speak to dp later.

I will update!

definitely get an cheap runaround - loads of bargains on ebay / autotrader. Look for low mileage old cars with a service history and a long mot. Even if you only get a year out of it, it'll be worth it and then maybe next time round get something newer.

e.g

suzuki swift £395
www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Suzuki-Swift-1-0-GLS-Ideal-1st-Car-Cheap-Run-Around-At-A-Bargain-Price-/171835170356?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_3&hash=item28022c9e34

suzuki alto £395
www.ebay.co.uk/itm/2003-Suzuki-Alto-1-1-GL-5dr-/371370631488?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_3&hash=item56776a2140

daewoo matiz £490 32,000miles!!!
www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Daewoo-Matiz-1-0-SE-/181790106243?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_3&hash=item2a5388e283

OP, am I right in my understanding that you currently work from home in evening and on weekends?
If so, your DH appears to have quite a good deal currently. You bring in a wage, sacrifice your own 'leisure' time, and your DH gets to carry on as normal. It's no wonder (assuming he only has his own interests at heart!) he doesn't want things to change. He needs to stop thinking of himself! (The car thing is a red herring IMO).
Apologies if I've got wrong end of the stick.

I work from home every day during the day, then do my paperwork on evenings and weekends.

Whoever said about him having dibs on the car- I did point that out to him and he said the difference is that he had it first

His parents bought the car for him and he sees it very much as his car as I've only been driving for a year.

I've been looking into the car recommendations when I get free moments so thank you. Also been looking at mopeds for him. He's always wanted a motor bike, so perhaps this could be a happy medium

His parents are here today and seem to think it's my role to look after the kids and support his career too- fucking great!! They keep saying about holding on for something closer and 'doing the right thing for the children'. I know he's going to use their disapproval in the argument against the job. I'm so devastated by the lack of support I'm getting :(

From them, not from you guys, you're all fab

There's no argument against the job. You are taking the job and they can work with you and support you or they can butt out.

Quite right rainbow!

When I say they bought the car for him, it was for a family car, but he was the only one who could drive at the time, so he sees it as his.

Fuck 'em all with their patriarchal bollocks!

I'm a SAHM by choice and because we're lucky to be able to afford for me to be one and because DH moved me across the world and away from my self-employed business - but if I wanted to get a job, I bloody well would and I wouldn't let him or ILs tell me otherwise, nor should you!!

Who the FUCK do they think they are, to limit you in this way?? I'm really extraordinarily angry about this on your behalf!

Point out that when if you were to ever split up, if you have a good job you wouldn't be forced to take him to the cleaners

Seriously, keep proof that he's stopping you from getting paid employment, a judge in a financial settlement would hand him his arse on a plate!!!

I think his parents should shut the fuck up.

I hope you'll simply stop negotiating and persuading and simply accept the job. I also hope he'll be aware of the potential impact of his attitude on your marriage.

Something closer than a 20 minute drive? Where do you live? How long is his commute? Mine is 20 minutes; dh's is more like 40 as he has the M60 to contend with. We consider this entirely reasonable and when looking for jobs would take anything up to an hour.

As for "doing the right thing for the children". Making a financial contribution, no matter how logistically difficult it might start out, is always "the right thing".

I'm planning to up my hours when dc2 starts school. MIL thinks I'm wrong to do so and I should be spending my days off sitting waiting to do the school run. She can think that all she likes. Doesn't mean I'm going to pay attention.

I agree, cheap 2nd car. My 1999 Ford Focus is only worth about £500 but it's a decent car. Scary how cheap the go so quickly!

Well done on getting the job!

Marking place to read properly later.

I hope you take this job!!!!!!!

I am in a not dissimilar position although I haven't found a job yet

My "commute" is 25 minutes most mornings, i most definitely have a local job. Please ignore his parents you deserve this job OP and you'd be a fool to turn it down!

Buy the car, take the job, pay off the car, save up some money and then LTB.

Seriously.

Do take the job. If you don't, you'll end up hating your in laws (and perhaps your husband).

You need to take the job. Sounds like a rare opportunity to go into work at that level at a decent wage. Do anything to make it happen even if you have to say 'let's see how it's going in a month' (though I don't think you should have to do that either). I think it's incredibly important for women to be able to build their careers when they want to.

Congratulations on the job! You obviously need to take it and listen to all this fantastic advice about how to show your DH that it's the best thing for you and your family.

His parents are here today and seem to think it's my role to look after the kids and support his career too- fucking great!! They keep saying about holding on for something closer and 'doing the right thing for the children'. I know he's going to use their disapproval in the argument against the job. I'm so devastated by the lack of support I'm getting sad

sounds like you're going to get ganged up on OP. Stand firm, we're all rooting for you. Wonder how they would take the suggestion that its your DH's turn to step up and do some supporting of you now? Like others, I'm concerned about his intentions if he's finding a problem to every single solution you suggest, and getting his parents on board to bully persuade you to do what he wants

Take the job. You will regret it if you don't. Tell your in laws to butt out, how dare they suggest it's better for you DC if you don't work.
Its better for you and DC if your husband supports you .

Unhelpful of the ILs butthey are likely to automatically take his side, I expect. If he is a stick in the mud that probably means he's frightened of change - both to your family routines, and his own world view.

This might make him defensive and obstructive? He sounds a bit like me when I find lots of handy 'reasons' not to do something Im a bit scared about. He may not really realise he's doing it.

Maybe tell him you know its alarming but you can't go through life not doing new and different things just because they are new and different.

DH is a SAHD while I work. I can come and go when I please. I go to the gym straight from work twice a week.

However if DH decides he wants to work (or going to college is something else he's considering) then there would be no question. We'd work something out. I certainly wouldn't be letting him or not letting him go to work/college if that's what he wanted to do.

OMFG. Do the right thing by your children

Tell them you're showing your DCs the value of working, that women are equal to men, that you have an equal partnership, that mothers and fathers have shared caring responsibilities. (Not to deny the validity of SAHP. Note the P in that, not necessarily M.)

I've seen the situation where women give up their careers for the children, marriages break down and they're stuffed, unable to get work. I don't want to sound like a home-breaker, but, given the way you are being treated, I would personally be keeping that factor at the front of my mind.