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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL demanding I attend wedding without baby

325 replies

MadAngryGnome · 10/07/2015 13:02

So BIL is getting married soon and he and SIL-to-be (nice but bit of a bridezilla, very anxious about her big day) have just announced that they do not want any children at the wedding, babes in arms or not. Up until now, DH and I had been expecting we'd be bringing our DS, who is 9 weeks now but will be six months old at the wedding.

When BIL sat us down and said they didn't want DS there, we said fair enough, we totally understood them wanting an adults only wedding. However, we said this might mean I would only able to come along for the ceremony part as DS is BF and I wasn't sure if I'd feel comfortable leaving him for the whole day.

This has unleashed a bit of a torrent from BIL. He says it is obviously the most important day of their lives and it is very important to them both that I am there for the full day (don't know why, we're not especially close). He doesn't understand why I don't want to leave DS for ages having apparently already checked with FIL that breastfeeding mothers are technically able to leave their children. He's refusing to accept that I'm not up for coming for the whole thing and keeps saying that I'll change my mind nearer the time. I do totally get that some parents would be fine with leaving their 6mo for a day but I just don't think it'll work for us.

AIBU to think that they get to choose not to have children or babies at their wedding but then don't get to also make the choice that the mothers should be attending without their babies?

OP posts:
Yarp · 10/07/2015 16:38

What a twat he is

You have offered to come for the ceremony part - the most important part of getting married, the last time I looked.

Sandbrook · 10/07/2015 17:20

Ridiculous ask from BIL.
I left my ebf 6 month old with my MIL to go to a wedding where ds was not invited as the bride "wanted me to enjoy myself" Hmm

Roll on 9pm when DH had to suck and spit in the wheelchairs toilets as I was nearly crying with the pain of ripe boobs.
Oh the shame.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 10/07/2015 17:27

Sandbrook, atleast your DH did it rather than watch you suffer.

PrincessTheresaofLiechtenstein · 10/07/2015 17:36

Oh just smile and nod and say you'll be there.

On the day, oh dear, baby is poorly, babysitters can't manage, am so sorry to miss your wonderful day, it really is such a shame blah blah

Sandbrook · 10/07/2015 17:42

TaliZorah yes he was very good to do it. We both decided never to speak of it again Blush

Nanny0gg · 10/07/2015 17:44

If I was your mother I would make sure I was unavailable.

carabos · 10/07/2015 17:50

When SiL says she doesn't want a baby crying on her big day, is that because she's Tinkerbell's feeble sister? Any crying anywhere will threaten her very existence? That would account for BiL getting all North Korean on your ass - he thinks she might actually expire Grin if she hears any sign of distress when everything is supposed to be butterflies and fairy dust.

He's backed himself right into a corner hasn't he? As others have suggested I would nod and smile and do what you want on the day.

Cynara · 10/07/2015 17:51

He gets to make decisions about his wedding; you get to make decisions about your child. He's being extremely rude. Yanbu. As threenotfour said, there is nothing you need to discuss with him. Your baby, your choice.

DelphiniumBlue · 10/07/2015 17:55

Leaving a breast fed baby for a couple of hours - possible. Leaving same baby for a whole day and evening for ceremony and reception- not realistic. Painful for you and upsetting for the baby. And who would look after a baby for that amount of time when it would be getting increasingly distressed as the day draws on?

MTWTFSS · 10/07/2015 17:59

I didn't leave DS1 until he was 10 months old (and that was only for 2 hours). (I left DS2 at 6 months, again for just a few hours).

Your BIL is being 100% unreasonable!!!

MTWTFSS · 10/07/2015 18:01

Sandbrook Gold star to your DH!!!! Star

Bettyboophead · 10/07/2015 18:03

Surely there is a reasonable compromise here that could suit both parties? If you can get childcare for the ceremony then great as I think babies crying can be a real distraction personally and it's clear in this case that is the view of the bride & groom. After the ceremony there is at least 2-3 hours worth of faffing about so you can disappear for a while / feed the baby. And go back for the Meal / evening reception if so inclined. It sounds to me that you've offered to do this which is completely reasonable. Your BIL will not even notice if you're not there in the evening! appreciate this means you'll need your Mum or equivalent on hand to hold the baby while you're at the wedding!

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 10/07/2015 18:09

I think sometimes with family we feel like we have to explain ourselves and smooth the waters a bit. Nope. Tell him this is your decision and you don't want to discuss it any more. End of.

If he continues on about it, simply say "Surely you have better things to obsess over than this?" Hmm

CrystalHaze · 10/07/2015 18:19

Since when is FIL the breastfeeding oracle?

Now, now - for all you know FIL might be a La Leche League consultant Wink

CrystalHaze · 10/07/2015 18:22

Your DH didn't have to spit, Sandbrook - breastmilk is quite tasty Wink

coffeeisnectar · 10/07/2015 18:23

Do mediation. Whip a rock hard leaking boob out on the table. Then squeeze bil testicles until he's in tears and then tell him that's how your boobs feel.

At this point fil won't know what to say or do and will hopefully back off from his role as "expert" on breastfeeding.

EponasWildDaughter · 10/07/2015 18:26

We had a 'No kids allowed, we want you to ''let your hair down for once''' invite a few years ago. Their choice, fair enough. But i was irritated at the insinuation that their wedding was going to be some one off amazing opportunity for those sad; ''saddled with off-spring'' guests who'd be panting at the chance of a childless few beers and a shuffle round the sports club dance floor till midnight.

As it happened it was a good excuse not to attend the wedding. We were only invited to parts 2 and 5 of a 5 part wedding which was in a town miles and miles from us. If we'd have gone it would have meant us kicking around town in our wedding finery for 7 hours between the parts they wanted us to attend. Fun times Grin

and there was a poem asking for cash for the honeymoon

JassyRadlett · 10/07/2015 18:47

My friends wedding invite actually said no children - we thought you would like a day off from them

I hate invitations that say that sort of thing. Or 'no children - we want to give you a chance to let your hair down!'

I went to a wedding without DS when he was 9 months old. An hour's drive or so from where we were staying with friends.

We left before cake and dancing and I was still in agony. Bearing in mind I'd been back at work for 2 months and expressing regularly by that point....

FlorenceMattell · 10/07/2015 18:48

You have a breast feeding baby. You can leave for 20-30 minutes to see them actually get married. But you won't be joining them to celebrate as your baby is your priority. Stick to your guns. Don't apologise , don't discuss.

rumbleinthrjungle · 10/07/2015 18:52

You've given him three options.

  1. you won't come at all
  2. you'll come just for ceremony then go home, dh stays all day
  3. you and dh come all day and bring baby

Three ways in which you are willing to compromise. What compromises if he prepared to make? He needs to pick one and get over himself.

As for expecting your parents and ds to float around all day in town- no. You can't possibly out three people to such huge inconvenience. If BiL needs you so desperately that you must be there all day or he can't cope then maybe he can just Skype you for support whenever he gets desperate? Mid ceremony! Mid speech? You'll be there for him! He can even keep a pic of you in his pocket to hold if he needs to?

CrapBag · 10/07/2015 19:06

I'd have already told him no a long time ago. People like this I'm just likely to dig my heals in and go the other way. I can be stubborn.

He is a twat. Loving the Kim Jong Un comment. Grin

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 10/07/2015 19:15

He has no right to demand anything from you. His wedding may well be the most important day in his life but your child is the most important in your life and comes before any wedding. If you don't want to leave your ds. That is your porogative, and you owe no explanations

BalloonSlayer · 10/07/2015 19:16

Oh just smile, shake your head in a pitying fashion and say "Oh BIL and SIL you are so funny! I'll remind you of this when you have your first baby."

And repeat, with a slight variation, every time they say "But you could . . ."

"I'll remind you of this when you have your first baby. All my friends think this is hilarious."

"I'll remind you of this when you have your first baby. You'll get it then, ha ha."

"I'll remind you of this when you have your first baby. You'll feel so embarrassed, bless you. But I was the same before I had DS. Well, no actually I wasn't. But I didn't get it."

and so on

LovesYoungDream · 10/07/2015 19:19

Yanbu. I have a similar predicament. The bride is becoming more of a bridezilla every day Sad

Aquadoodle · 10/07/2015 19:20

I had the same from my own brother. 4 weeks post partum they got married, told me I couldn't bring the baby to the registry office nor was the baby welcome at the evening reception. Not even if my DH stayed with the baby in another room at the venue enabling me to pop in and breastfeed.
Fucker.
I didn't go to the wedding nor did I ever speak to him again.