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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL demanding I attend wedding without baby

325 replies

MadAngryGnome · 10/07/2015 13:02

So BIL is getting married soon and he and SIL-to-be (nice but bit of a bridezilla, very anxious about her big day) have just announced that they do not want any children at the wedding, babes in arms or not. Up until now, DH and I had been expecting we'd be bringing our DS, who is 9 weeks now but will be six months old at the wedding.

When BIL sat us down and said they didn't want DS there, we said fair enough, we totally understood them wanting an adults only wedding. However, we said this might mean I would only able to come along for the ceremony part as DS is BF and I wasn't sure if I'd feel comfortable leaving him for the whole day.

This has unleashed a bit of a torrent from BIL. He says it is obviously the most important day of their lives and it is very important to them both that I am there for the full day (don't know why, we're not especially close). He doesn't understand why I don't want to leave DS for ages having apparently already checked with FIL that breastfeeding mothers are technically able to leave their children. He's refusing to accept that I'm not up for coming for the whole thing and keeps saying that I'll change my mind nearer the time. I do totally get that some parents would be fine with leaving their 6mo for a day but I just don't think it'll work for us.

AIBU to think that they get to choose not to have children or babies at their wedding but then don't get to also make the choice that the mothers should be attending without their babies?

OP posts:
SunnyBaudelaire · 10/07/2015 14:44

oh yes rock hard boobs....
honestly OP just say 'no'.

DinosaursRoar · 10/07/2015 14:46

People like this never look back and are embarrassed when they are parents, because their DC needing to be fed to a routine or not being able to be left is because their DC is special and of course you could have left your DC with no fuss, it's different to ask them...

Anyway, provide a list of options you are happy to do and can do, ask them to pick. Stress "OP going and just leaving hte baby all day" isn't one of the options.

ThisIsClemFandango · 10/07/2015 14:47

I have images of you attending the ceremony and pumping with a loud pump during the vows and speeches.. naughty naughty.

Yes! Tell him you'll attend the whole wedding but will need to bring your breast pump with you and will need to express regularly throughout the day or your breasts will leak everywhere and soak your dress. And say if it will be difficult for you to leave the venue to do it, then you'll have to just do it where you are in the reception room, no one will mind will they?
Just for fun to see the look on his face Grin

Original poster
MadAngryGnome · 10/07/2015 14:48

Not a church Grin

Part of BIL's 'sell' was that I should leave the baby because they wanted me to 'enjoy myself' on their big day. He is very big on this and has repeatedly offered to babysit DS for me recently so I can 'get away from him for a bit' despite having no baby handling skills himself and not being able to handle crying.

I just don't even know where to start explaining how much I wouldn't be enjoying myself being separated from the baby despite being at their wonderful wedding.

OP posts:
Pastaeater · 10/07/2015 14:50

What a complete moron. Shock
YANBU.

GinLimeandLemonade · 10/07/2015 14:50

My DS is 6 months old and I've never left him with anyone but my DH, and I won't until I feel comfortable with it.

If you don't want to, or don't feel comfortable, then don't go. Obviously right now you don't know how you'll feel then, but considering what an arse your BIL is being about it you probably won't want to go anyway Wink

butterfly133 · 10/07/2015 14:51

YANBU

As you said in your last line, it's reasonable for them to want no children at the wedding but it's just as reasonable for to mean you don't go.

Fluffycloudland77 · 10/07/2015 14:52

Well you won't be able to get drunk or snort coke in the loos so I just don't see the point.

SunnyBaudelaire · 10/07/2015 14:52

Groomzillas without children are something else.
At my Bro's wedding, he thought I should walk alone, well with two toddlers and a suitcase, to a strangers house up the lane, leave two four year olds alone there, and then join him in the pub for pre wedding drinks. Then got cross with me when I said I could not do that.

Saltedcaramel2014 · 10/07/2015 14:52

One day they'll have a baby and realise how totally fricking unreasonable they are being. Poor you - not the kind of stress you need when you have a 9 week old baby to think of. I wasn't happy leaving DS for that kind of length of time until he was 10 months. For others it's far sooner, but that's irrelevant, it's your gut feeling as a mother and that's what matters.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/07/2015 14:55

My youngest would have been ok being with the grandparents as by 6 mo I had returned to work and he was getting breast milk in a bottle during the day. However, I was pumping every 4 hours to keep up supply (thank God for an understanding employer and a freezer).

So, if I were you, I'd leave baby with the GPs and then in the middle of the ceremony whip out my buzzing battery operated pump and (with apologetic looks) pump away! Much preferable to a crying baby, right? Grin

Seriously, you do what feels right to you. I would consider the future, though. Do you think this is an opening salvo to a continuing 'what BiL/SiL want/expect/demand' when it comes to future family gatherings/holidays/parties? If so, then you need to set the tone right now as to what you will and will not do.

leedy · 10/07/2015 15:01

"will need to bring your breast pump with you and will need to express regularly throughout the day"

I would recommend the Medela Mini Electric for this, which sounds like a Harrier jump jet on takeoff.

(I treated myself to a much quieter pump after DS2 was born...)

diddl · 10/07/2015 15:02

"'get away from him for a bit'"

Oh yes!

Why the thought that time away from your young baby is such a great thing?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/07/2015 15:04

Ask him why he thinks you "need" time away from your baby? Hmm

You won't be able to explain to him that actually, you probably wouldn't enjoy being separated from your baby for that length of time when he's that small, because BIL simply won't get it, I'm sure. He clearly thinks that babies are a chore that have to be tolerated, and dumped off on the nearest unsuspecting mug as soon and as often as possible!

Really hope he sorts his head out, and/or gets his comeuppance whenever he has his own...

Ohfourfoxache · 10/07/2015 15:09

Arf @ Leedy Grin

On the plus side, at least it sounds like mil and fil realise he's being a bit of a dick. But no, I wouldn't go for "mediation" either - fuck that Hmm

EWAB · 10/07/2015 15:11

As long as his brother is there, the one actually related to him why would he care? Possibly because other relatives will question your absence and think he is a knob! I am all for child free weddings but would accept consequences of someone not going.

PeterParkerSays · 10/07/2015 15:21

Prime your parents to "go away" for that weekend - they fancy a weekend in the Cotswolds don't they? Wink

On Sunday, just state factually that you will not be attending the wedding if baby DS can't attend with you, then get stuck into the mashed potatoes and let the family argue over your head.

Downtheroadfirstonleft · 10/07/2015 15:22

You don't need to explain yourself OP. Just state your decision, smile and refuse to be budged.

Their call re who to invite, your call re whether to go.

OhEmGeee · 10/07/2015 15:32

I had a child free wedding (apart from a newborn) and I think your BIL is being an idiot!

littlejohnnydory · 10/07/2015 15:32

I couldn't even go to the ceremony if it meant leaving my breastfed 7 month old so he's lucky you're going to that part.

VivaLeBeaver · 10/07/2015 15:39

I wouldn't go for the whole day on principle now even if nearer the time I thought maybe it would work after all.

coconutpie · 10/07/2015 16:08

Your BIL is being a dick. At the dinner on Sunday, just say "I have thought about it and I will not be attending the wedding as I am not comfortable leaving my baby for that long. I will not be discussing this further so please do not ask me again you bloody selfish inconsiderate groomzilla muppet.

I had a similar issue when my baby was 6mo (and ebf). It was a family wedding and I told the B&G I could go if I could bring the baby to the hotel and baby could stay in our hotel room with a family member while DH and I attended ceremony and reception but I was told that no babies were allowed on the entire PROPERTY. I was like Shock. I told them we wouldn't be attending at all then. I think if that B&G have DC, they are gonna be just a tad majorly mortified over that.

Bambambini · 10/07/2015 16:22

It's your call and the BIL has to take the consequencies of their rules on their guests. I had a no children wedding apart from nieces and nephews and people who had travelled a bit further to be there. If it had been a case of well can't come, I would have rethought it on a case by case.

Me and the husband did go to an overnight wedding a distance away (think it was a child free wedding - can't fully remember) when my first was 4 months and was totally breast fed. It was touch and go through the day and we thought we would have to leave as he wouldn't feed or settle. It was a lovely day but if we had known how unsettled he would be and refusing feeds then we probably wouldn't have went.

You might welcome a day away in six months time, baby might not still be BF - but, it's totally your call - not BIL.

Sometimesjustonesecond · 10/07/2015 16:31

I really hate it when other people try to organise my time for me and if I was the OPs parents I'd be super pissed off at being expected by the bil to fit my life around a wedding to which I wasnt even invited. He is being totally presumptuous and arrogant in assuming that his wedding is that important to anyone else.

Stick to your guns and tell him no!

girliefriend · 10/07/2015 16:34

My friends wedding invite actually said no children - we thought you would like a day off from them Hmm Confused this meant that one of her cousins couldn't come as they had no childcare for their young son.

Now she has her own baby I am tempted to ask her if she is ready for a day off from him yet Grin

Op don't be bullied into anything, your bil sounds like an idiot. However I attended a friends wedding when dd was 6 months and left her with my mum, she was fine but she wasn't a bottle refuser and was also on solids by then. I did feel a bit weird having to go off to the loos to express every few hours though!!