Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 12 13

Original poster

BIL demanding I attend wedding without baby

325 replies

MadAngryGnome · 10/07/2015 13:02

So BIL is getting married soon and he and SIL-to-be (nice but bit of a bridezilla, very anxious about her big day) have just announced that they do not want any children at the wedding, babes in arms or not. Up until now, DH and I had been expecting we'd be bringing our DS, who is 9 weeks now but will be six months old at the wedding.

When BIL sat us down and said they didn't want DS there, we said fair enough, we totally understood them wanting an adults only wedding. However, we said this might mean I would only able to come along for the ceremony part as DS is BF and I wasn't sure if I'd feel comfortable leaving him for the whole day.

This has unleashed a bit of a torrent from BIL. He says it is obviously the most important day of their lives and it is very important to them both that I am there for the full day (don't know why, we're not especially close). He doesn't understand why I don't want to leave DS for ages having apparently already checked with FIL that breastfeeding mothers are technically able to leave their children. He's refusing to accept that I'm not up for coming for the whole thing and keeps saying that I'll change my mind nearer the time. I do totally get that some parents would be fine with leaving their 6mo for a day but I just don't think it'll work for us.

AIBU to think that they get to choose not to have children or babies at their wedding but then don't get to also make the choice that the mothers should be attending without their babies?

OP posts:

FraggleHair · 10/07/2015 14:16

SIL doesn't want a baby crying on her big day. BIL said that we should understand that, as he'd been out with us when DS had cried in a coffee shop recently.

Poor BIL, hope he got through that traumatic occasion. Thinking of him at this difficult time.

diddl · 10/07/2015 14:17

"Well sounds like they know that her parents can babysit?"

So what?

It's not the B&Gs dcision to make!

SkyBurialsAreAllTheRage · 10/07/2015 14:17

I would have hated to leave (bf) DD for more than a few hours at six months old.

As other have already said, they are entitled to ask for no children at the wedding if that is their wish, but they can't then demand that you, a breastfeeding mother of a babe-in-arms, attend for the whole day. They are being ridiculous and rather immature.

I've organised a wedding and, yes, it was stressful, but we were mature enough not to let it sour relations with any of our relatives. We opted to invite people's children, because we felt that having a child-free wedding would have been a rather joyless thing to do, and the babies/children greatly added to everyone's enjoyment of the day. This is probably slightly colouring my views on the topic.

If I were you, I would go to the ceremony in the interest of keeping the peace, but I'd be firm-but-polite about the rest of the day.

Pootles2010 · 10/07/2015 14:18

Yes of course thats that, but I do think she might feel a little differently at 6 months rather than 9 weeks, and it might be a little premature to be burning bridges right now.

leedy · 10/07/2015 14:18

"It's not the B&Gs dcision to make!"

Well exactly! It being your SPESHULEST DAY doesn't mean that you can a)command people to leave their children with babysitters and/or b)command people to babysit.

FraggleHair · 10/07/2015 14:19

It sounds to me as though BIL is the one setting all the bridges alight, not the OP.

NinkyNonkers · 10/07/2015 14:19

Blimey, if organising a wedding is stressing them out so much they turn into selfish A-holes I sincerely hope nothing REALLY stressful ever happens to them! It is a ceremony (run by someone else) with a party after.

Even if you weren't BF you may well not want to leave the baba.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/07/2015 14:21

Hahaha - that's reminded me of a friend who created a similar shit storm, although with less zillaness. She wanted a child-free ceremony to avoid the baby-crying situation, and one friend refused to leave her exclusively bf child with her own mother, 10 minutes away, for the length of the ceremony (Note: ceremony only, children/babies were allowed/invited to the rest of the wedding). Anyway, that resulted in a falling out, the baby's mother refused to attend, and comments like "you'll feel differently when you've had your own" were flung around (Friend didn't, as it happens).

Anyway - the icing on that cake was that a family member had a baby a couple of weeks prior to the wedding and had to bring their baby with them (obviously!) or not attend, and of course it decided to cry in the middle of the ceremony! However, my friend was unfazed by this in the end, she barely noticed in fact (big church) and as far as I know the video of the event was pretty unaffected by it.

Ycoitsid · 10/07/2015 14:22

What a nob

Tapasfairy · 10/07/2015 14:23

I would go, I would not leave six month old baby if that is their attitude.

Epilepsyhelp · 10/07/2015 14:23

Ok so BIL is being unreasonable but some of the comments on here are way ott.

No reason for you to be unreasonable back, just calmly say sorry but I don't to leave DS for a whole day when I am breastfeeding. If they do back down then of course you should go. He will be your BIL for life, he will probably realise later he is being a dick and you should just be the bigger person here and don't escalate this.

Hillingdon · 10/07/2015 14:24

I didn't have any children at my wedding. Too many previous weddings drowned out by entitled parents of crying babies who actually thought their child's needs trumped everyone else's

However, it's a simple decision to make. And its your decision. You sound like you have given a few very good options and haven't insisted on being in the front row and refusing to move if your baby cries (unlike a friends wedding which was ruined by a couple who went and sat right at the front because they wanted their pfb to see the 'colours'! The baby was 12 weeks old and who would not move because it was cold outside...)

diddl · 10/07/2015 14:25

Tbh, if it's so important to BIL, I don't get why he's not happy with OP only being there for the ceremony.

You know, the whole point of the day!

kickassangel · 10/07/2015 14:29

Perhaps you could explain to BIL that feeding mothers often leak when unable to feed on demand. That in their precious photos you may have oozed onto your dress and have big wet patches highlighting your breasts. That when you hug him and SIL, the pressure may mean that you squirt milk all down their suit/dress, and that they will then have breast milk dribbling down their pretty outfits. If you laugh too hard you could squirt another guest from across the table.

I wouldn't have the guts to say all that, but I'd love to see his face if he started being such a wanker. They only want you there so it looks like all the family were there for THEIR big day.

Original poster

MadAngryGnome · 10/07/2015 14:31

at Kim Jong Un and my parents skulking about in bushes.

I don't think I'm burning bridges. I was super polite to BIL when he was coming out with all this despite thinking he was being a bit unfair and I did say I would think about it initially rather than an outright no. He's the one pushing the issue surely.

And no, BIL & SIL don't have kids yet. How can you tell?!

OP posts:

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/07/2015 14:33

Well whatever happens at the wedding, whether you end up going or not, I would definitely plan something for whenever their PFB is 6mo and insist that they leave PFB behind. Then wait for outrage, and kindly remind them of this.

Cheby · 10/07/2015 14:35

Is it an exclusive venue?
If not, and your parents are willing, I would book them in to the hotel too and leave LO with them, nipping up for feeds as and when required. Groomzilla won't even notice.

And then once they're back from honeymoon you can tell them the baby was there after all.

LazyLouLou · 10/07/2015 14:37

EpilesyHelp it seems OP has explained, and BIL is helping her find a solution, so she doesn't ruin his day!

That is why so many are lightheartedly (mostly) ripping into him.

I don't remember finding it hard to arrange for step parents, disabled (and rather leaky) grandparents, a small handful of kids, 2 very pregnant cousins, a newly out gay couple (who accidentally outed another couple) and a shouty, sweary SIL who needed to be told to wind her neck in and the unexpected arrival of another SILs parents (who, at their request, had been sent an invitation 'for the scrapbook', who then came for the meal and everything!!).

The day happens around you. But I suspect many B+Gs only realise that long after the event!

Fluffycloudland77 · 10/07/2015 14:38

The marriage will be a massive let down after the huge build up they've given it.

I predict divorce in the first year OR furious ttc during which they become baby experts who plan to attachment parent.

I wouldn't go if I didn't feel comfortable leaving him, you'll only be sad with rock hard boobs leaking and unable to get trollied on cheap wedding wine.

Cheby · 10/07/2015 14:39

Oh and YANBU at all. I left my bf 6mo for a wedding and I really regretted it. DH was an usher so I felt I had to go and support. I left her with MIL at 11.30, raced back to the wedding and then left the second the 1st dance was done at 7pm (DH stayed and got pissed while I stayed at MIL's with the baby, fun!).
I spent the whole day nipping in and out either on the phone checking on her or desperately trying to hand express from my ever expanding boobs in the toilets. Wish I had declined the invite really.

BlackeyedSusan · 10/07/2015 14:39

mine would not be left. even leaving her with her dad brought massive protests when I reappeared. (she was fine when I was out but as soon as she saw me creep in she roared at me in protest) we tried to leave her when she was six months old. she howled til we were summoned back. horrendous. and boobs. well they were rock hard by the timeof her feeds, and she was still mainly feeding at 6 months.

I have images of you attending the ceremony and pumping with a loud pump during the vows and speeches.. naughty naughty.

LibrariesGaveUsPower · 10/07/2015 14:40

I presume this is a civil service btw?

If it's a church, BIL and SIL might be rather put out when they discover that most churches extend an open invitation to their congregation and that anyone who fancies an afternoon out might pitch up....

FraggleHair · 10/07/2015 14:42

BIL's future pfb.

BIL demanding I attend wedding without baby

Icimoi · 10/07/2015 14:42

Its not a 'great inconvenience' to spend the day away from your baby.

It's a massive inconvenience for the babysitter if the baby can't take a bottle and is getting increasingly distressed through the day. It's also an inconvenience for the mother with ever-hardening and more painful boobs. And for both parents spending the day worrying about the baby.

If the only objection is SiL not wanting a crying baby around, surely that's incredibly easy to deal with? Just tell them you and DS will sit near the doors and exit at the first squawk.

CRbear · 10/07/2015 14:44

Really curious as to why it's so important you are there!? Do you have singing talents they plan to exploit or equivalent!?

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 12 13