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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

BIL demanding I attend wedding without baby

325 replies

MadAngryGnome · 10/07/2015 13:02

So BIL is getting married soon and he and SIL-to-be (nice but bit of a bridezilla, very anxious about her big day) have just announced that they do not want any children at the wedding, babes in arms or not. Up until now, DH and I had been expecting we'd be bringing our DS, who is 9 weeks now but will be six months old at the wedding.

When BIL sat us down and said they didn't want DS there, we said fair enough, we totally understood them wanting an adults only wedding. However, we said this might mean I would only able to come along for the ceremony part as DS is BF and I wasn't sure if I'd feel comfortable leaving him for the whole day.

This has unleashed a bit of a torrent from BIL. He says it is obviously the most important day of their lives and it is very important to them both that I am there for the full day (don't know why, we're not especially close). He doesn't understand why I don't want to leave DS for ages having apparently already checked with FIL that breastfeeding mothers are technically able to leave their children. He's refusing to accept that I'm not up for coming for the whole thing and keeps saying that I'll change my mind nearer the time. I do totally get that some parents would be fine with leaving their 6mo for a day but I just don't think it'll work for us.

AIBU to think that they get to choose not to have children or babies at their wedding but then don't get to also make the choice that the mothers should be attending without their babies?

OP posts:
VinoTime · 10/07/2015 13:44

God, I would have been in agony all day if I wasn't able to feed DD as and when needed. My boobs turned into really painful rocks if she so much as slept past her regular feed time. I'm cringing now remembering it. And sneaking off to the bathroom to express (if you can, doesn't always work for everyone) doesn't sound like that much fun.

Stick to your guns, OP. Do what's right for you and yours.

chickenfuckingpox · 10/07/2015 13:45

go to mediation state firmly it doesn't work for us i will be staying at home dh will of course be attending (whether he likes it or not) you are not being obstructive they are!

ThisIsClemFandango · 10/07/2015 13:45

YANBU. As you are the one who is breastfeeding, it's absolutely fuck all to do with him. Your baby, your choice about whether to leave him. And you've already said you'll go to the ceremony, it's not like you're refusing to attend at all.

LibrariesGaveUsPower · 10/07/2015 13:46

Well, as everyone has said, YANBU. They get to decide child free. They don't then get to strop when you can't come.

I also object to the whole "It's the most important day of your lives" stuff. Sure, it is important to you. I would question whether, for most people, it's the most important day. But the importance of the day isn't affected one jot by whether people put themselves and their babies through great inconvenience to attend.

Do you have a babysitter btw? I am attending a wedding child free soon (but my youngest is one) but only because I'm leaving DH home to look after them. My only other reliable babysitter for the baby is my mum, who is attending the wedding!

Ledkr · 10/07/2015 13:46

To be honest, a lot of people who arent Breast feeding may prefer not to leave their young baby all day or may not even have the luxury of childcare.
He sounds ridiculous.

IssyStark · 10/07/2015 13:47

Gold has it right.

I bf both of mine. No problem expressing with either. DS1 took a bottle from 6 weeks when necessary - he didn't care how he got it, as long as he got milk. No problem leaving him with anyone for a day. DS2 refused bottles, cups, anything except breast even 'though we tried introducing it at the same time. I left him with his dad when he was 5mo for about 10 hours; we both thought he'd finally give in and take a bottle or cup. Nope, he took 1.5oz in all that time and screamed the place down. You just don't know what they'll be like Wink

Gemauve · 10/07/2015 13:49

I also object to the whole "It's the most important day of your lives" stuff.

If the day you got married is the most important day of your life, you must have lived a dull existence. I presume that the Bridezilla/Groomzilla behaviour is exhibited by precisely those people with very dull lives.

Twenty years later I can remember almost nothing about my wedding, and care even less. The marriage has been good, though.

IhateMagic · 10/07/2015 13:49

zen, I had a child free wedding, now have dc....no regrets at all. In fact, relief that I insisted and had a really great day without the manic frenzy of hyper kids on a sugar rush!

TheABC · 10/07/2015 13:50

I loved having kids at my wedding (well, it was outdoors with a lot of games going on). I am a bit baffled at BiLs insistance at no babies. If the child starts crying during the ceremony/speeches, the mother can always take the baby out.

OP, stick to your guns. At 6 months, I was still heavily attached to DS who was going through teething hell and a growth spurt. You will probably be quite glad to stay at home!

notquitehuman · 10/07/2015 13:50

I had a wedding to attend when DS was six months old. Although he was invited, I decided to leave him with grandma. It was an afternoon ceremony, so dropped him off at noon and then politely made my excuses to go pick him up at 9pm. It meant it wasn't massively long absence, and it was nice to have the time off.

However, if the bride and groom had been dicks about me leaving early like these two, then I might not have gone! The 'most important day of our lives' line is bollocks. There are many important days in a couple's life together. These two are going to have some serious post wedding blues.

SashaKerr · 10/07/2015 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CakeLady1 · 10/07/2015 13:52

His day, so they can choose what they want for themselves, but they can't dictate whether you attend or not - if they've made decisions then they've got the suffer the consequences of those choices. It seems that too many people worry about weddings have a crying baby drowning out the vows... as happened with ours, but family is far more important than a 'perfect' wedding video, as are friends, which is why we happily had a grizzling baby chorus than not have important people there.
Could it also be a 'capacity' issue? There can be restrictions on number of guests in a room for a ceremony, babes in arms are still classed as bums on seats - fire regulations & all that; the registrar can refuse to start a ceremony of too many people are there. Perhaps they'd rather have an adult in that allocation than a baby who would have no idea they were there?

ILovedYouYesterday · 10/07/2015 13:54

It's not even just the breastfeeding, my first born was bottle fed by six months and I still wouldn't have felt totally comfortable leaving him for a whole day (by the time he was two, you wouldn't have seen me for dust!)

Perhaps if I could've got my mum to come and stay nearby so I knew I could nip out quick if he needed me but I'd certainly have ducked off before the evening do.

If you really want to attend the wedding, you could perhaps have someone come and stay with baby at the wedding venue so you can pop off to feed/settle him as needed - the bride and groom would barely even notice, I am sure - but it's entirely up to you, and, as he's being such an arse about it, I doubt I could be bothered tbh!

Original poster
MadAngryGnome · 10/07/2015 13:54

Yeah. BIL is normally a nice guy and I like him, he just seems to have gone batshit crazy about this wedding. I think SIL-to-be is very stressed about the whole day a massive bridezilla and he is trying to appease her.

I am NOT doing mediation. Confused

BIL has already explained to me that my parents can hang around the town (all day?!) and babysit for us so I can come.

Gahh we have a dinner with DH's family on Sunday where I bet this will be a hot topic.

OP posts:
diddl · 10/07/2015 13:55

"It is ridiculous not to let breast feeding kids into a wedding"

Of course it isn't!

The bride & groom can invite whoever they want.

What they can't do is demand that someone attends thir wdding!

skyeskyeskye · 10/07/2015 13:56

we had a child free wedding due to cost and numbers and having a large extended family, so I can understand them doing that.

However! there were two 6 month old babies there on the day because we understood that the mothers would not want to leave them and made it clear on the invite that the babies were able to attend.

So no, YANBU and BIL/SIL should have more understanding if you choose not to go to the whole day.

LibrariesGaveUsPower · 10/07/2015 13:56

If the day you got married is the most important day of your life, you must have lived a dull existence. I presume that the Bridezilla/Groomzilla behaviour is exhibited by precisely those people with very dull lives.

Yeah, I mean don't get me wrong. The promises were very important. That 5 minutes, very important to me personally (though unaffected by who was standing next to us).

The party? The day? It's just a party. A celebration. A good, memorable one if you are lucky. To think that that is the most important day of your life, or that the importance of your vows is somehow impacted by the audience, well as you say it speaks of dull lives!

LazyLouLou · 10/07/2015 13:58

"Hey, MAG. You mum and dad can wander the streets all day and you can pop out and feed Jnr. But no phone please, make a timetable for the day. We don't want to hear your ringtone lol lol ha ha ha Smile"

"FUCK OFF"

End of topic, all sorted. Easy! Grin

diddl · 10/07/2015 13:58

"Gahh we have a dinner with DH's family on Sunday where I bet this will be a hot topic."

Perhaps you need to discuss an exit strategy with your husband beforehand!

Pootles2010 · 10/07/2015 13:59

No of course they can't dictate, but i'd have been pretty pissed off if my brother's wife didn't come to my wedding, tbh. Yes he's being a groomzilla, but I think you're being a smidge pfb, if i'm being honest.

Hissy · 10/07/2015 13:59

what diddl said - absolutely get a code word and bugger off at the slightest whiff of an issue - or cancel Sunday completely

IhateMagic · 10/07/2015 14:00

Maybe bil and sil have been to weddings where the mum with a baby chose to stay, despite the baby screaming? I was at one wedding where a guest on the front row (not family....just a mate) stood up when the baby began crying, and stood there, furiously rocking it while blocking the view of loads of other guests!! It was then that I vowed no babies or children at my wedding! I did however, gracefully accept the lost guests through my choice.

Original poster
MadAngryGnome · 10/07/2015 14:01

Exit strategy is a good idea. DH thinks his brother is being an idiot too so no worries on that front.

OP posts:
Gemauve · 10/07/2015 14:01

Gahh we have a dinner with DH's family on Sunday where I bet this will be a hot topi

Leave your husband to sort it out; his monkeys, his circus.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 10/07/2015 14:01

We did the same as skiptonslass - no children invited, exceptions for babes in arms (2 came). My sister's DC came after the meal for the evening party, and had been there for the photos - but our wedding was in a space-restricted registry office so there just wasn't the space for them, especially as they would have found that bit beyond boring!

I love that your BIL has just co-opted your parents into babysitting an exclusively bf 6mo baby just so he can get his own way Hmm

Seriously, if you're worried about the family dinner, just nod and smile, and leave them to think what they like and then do what you want to when the time comes.