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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not offer my daughter's friend something else for tea?

156 replies

matrix11 · 07/07/2015 17:36

Daughter has a friend over for tea, done a simple tea of wraps with southern fried chicken, dips, bread sticks, grapes, grated cheese, nice selection of salad, nothing fancy but your basic salad, i am sat in the next room listening to her moan how she does not like anything there, apart from the cheese.
I am not going to get up and offer her anything else i am sick to the back teeth of having friends over who won't eat anything except for pizza, chips, crisps or chocolate.
I always try to do a nice simple but healthy tea, not just for mine but for friends too but they always moan, i avoid things like cottage pies, chilli etc when friends are round as i know its wasted, i would go mad if i knew my kids were ungrateful with what they were given, when i was growing i loved going to my friends and ate whatever was put in front of me.
It's not just a one off either, it is most of their friends?!

OP posts:

girliefriend · 07/07/2015 20:54

I think my 9yo dd would have struggled with that tea, I think she eats quite well but she would not eat chicken and wraps isn't something I normally do so they might throw her a bit as well! She likes salad apart from lettuce so would eat avocado, carrot, beetroot as long as she could pick those bits out!

When dd has mates over it tends to be fishfingers/ jacket spuds or pizza!!

I did risk it with one friend and did a veggie spag bol which she wolfed down

Goshthatsspicy · 07/07/2015 21:09

I had a boy over recently. He is 11,and we gave him fish & chips.
After he was finished he looked me straight in the eye, and said: "Thank you, that was a lovely meal - l really enjoyed it!"
l thought that was really nice.

longdiling · 07/07/2015 21:20

I sympathise with the sentiment of the OP. It is a bit tedious dealing with kids who are fussy eaters. I don't think the little girl was particularly rude though. My kids are allowed to say that they don't like something, they aren't allowed to make a big fuss and say something is disgusting because THAT is rude. I was a very polite kid, to the point of crippling shyness. I was also a very fussy eater. This made eating at other people's homes extremely difficult. I had been told it was polite to eat everything even if you didn't like it but eating food I didn't like would make me wretch and gag. Not particularly polite either. I still remember the panicky, sick feeling I would have when given a plate of food I didn't like. God, if only someone had taught me to politely say 'thank you but I'm not very hungry'. Is that really such a crime?

There is a middle ground between being completely child-focused and making umpteen different meals to suit each precious snowflake and forcing kids to eat food against their will.

OP, I think you found that middle ground personally. You made a meal that accomodated all tastes and didn't make her feel awful for not eating it. Which probably made her relax enough to then eat it second time round!

JaceLancs · 07/07/2015 21:23

Years ago I remember offering a friend of DD a choice of sandwich fillings
Tuna, cheese, ham, chicken, egg etc
Then was told " I only eat jam sandwiches"
Therefore I offered black currant, raspberry, plum, rhubarb etc to be told that said child only ate strawberry jam
In desperation searched further and found a mini jar of strawberry jam, (tip tree conserve) checked it was still in date, unopened and offered with an option of brown or white bread
Child took one bite and turned nose up saying " I only like Robertsons jam"
I didn't encourage another visit

DS had a friend who would only eat sausages with no accompaniments - and they had to be a certain brand (child's mother was v apologetic) and used to send them with him!

QuintShhhhhh · 07/07/2015 21:24

Maybe she was not feeling all right tonight?

sunnydaylucy · 07/07/2015 21:30

YANBU to expect a guest to at least try the food but she doesn't actually sound like she was being rude in this case.

I usually ask the parent before the event what the child doesn't like, this has still backfired IME but at least I feel I have a get out with the parent if they don't eat what I have cooked. I don't cook alternative option. I just offer fruit & yoghurt.

StarlingMurmuration · 07/07/2015 21:45

Maybe she choked it down last time in an attempt to be polite, and then when she told her mum, her mum said "Next time just eat the bits you like and say you're not very hungry, thank you".

StarlingMurmuration · 07/07/2015 21:49

Lots of people say how tedious it is to deal with a fussy child but I'm telling you, you have no idea how tedious and rubbish it is to BE a fussy child. They don't do it to be annoying or rude... Eating at other people's houses can be a huge source of anxiety because of the fear of not liking what is served and causing offence, plus having to go hungry because you can only choke down a tiny bit. They don't do it for attention - if anything, they dread people noticing that we're not eating.

I had all sorts of texture and taste issues as a child and while I'm much better now, I still don't love eating at other people's houses. It's not fun at all, I'd love to be able to eat anything served to me.

Yarp · 07/07/2015 22:05

I think those of you who pride yourselves on being good cooks do perhaps take it personally. It's not your child, you don't have to deal with them every day, and no-one is evaluating you on the quality of your food. In short, it's not about you.

Yarp · 07/07/2015 22:05

I agree Starling

ByronBaby · 07/07/2015 22:24

I can't be doing with people who can't be doing with people who can't be doing with people who are fussy eaters! I wouldn't worry about it OP - you offered a nice tea, the child grumbled behind your back (little madam!) but was polite enough to your face and can go home and have supper in her own house. Idon't know if you are being UR or not, but we all have to eat things we aren't keen on sometimes so she might as well get used to it.

DefinitelyMaybeNo · 07/07/2015 22:37

Yanbu in not offering her any other food. However she wasn't rude - she didn't tell you she didn't like it, she was talking to your child unaware you were listening in on them. I wouldn't want to eat a meal that I genuinely didn't like and I wouldn't expect someone else to do it either so when we have people for tea, I always ask -both children and adults - about food preferences to stop things like this happening.

ElkTheory · 07/07/2015 22:40

I can't see you've done anything wrong at all. You checked with the child's mother in advance, you served the same meal previously and she enjoyed it. You even made her something extra when she said she was hungry. Sounds to me like you were a good host.

I do think it can be tricky to feed other people's children. And it is true that children aren't always known for their tact and diplomacy.

Buttercupsandaisies · 07/07/2015 22:52

I have the same few kids over every month and we always agree on what to eat when they arrive....it's just nice to. I wouldn't do it with my own kids on a daily basis but...it's a play date IMO and supposed to be fun!

I don't care what they eat for one day and certainly my kids wouldn't eat much of that.

Kaekae · 08/07/2015 11:28

I always find children don't eat much at their friends house. I don't stress over it. If she eats it then she eats it if she doesn't then I would just let her mum know so that she can decide to give her more food when she gets home. I always ask parents about what kinds of foods their child likes before they come over, I like to make sure they don't feel uncomfortable in my house so will give a simple choice to the guest and my child and let them choose. I don't mind doing this when we have friends over.

TheReluctantCountess · 08/07/2015 11:46

I'm the mother of a fussy eater. I would rather that parents didn't offer him alternatives if he doesn't like what's offered.

YeOldTrout · 08/07/2015 21:04

I'm a mom of a fussy one & I suppose I would mind a lot if a parent got into flap about it. I don't mind if he doesn't eat. I can always feed him when he gets home.

VerityWaves · 08/07/2015 21:10

I think y ab a bit u
She didn't make a fuss and just ate grated cheese. I would be mortified if a child guest just ate that at my house. I always check with the parent what they like to avoid this. They are guests. I am Italian and its a sacrilege to let guests leave hungry!

whyhasmyheadgonenumb · 08/07/2015 21:14

Oh gosh, I really want southern fried chicken wraps now........I've already had tea :(

Kamden · 08/07/2015 21:19

People, RTFT......SHE DID CHECK WITH THE PARENTS!!!!!!!!

CrapBag · 08/07/2015 22:04

If my child went to someone's house for tea, was served up something that they didn't like and wasn't asked beforehand if they ate salad etc then was complained about because they won't just eat what's put in front of them I'd be livid.

If I have a child over for tea, I check what they like first, simple as. They are a guest in your home. DS had a friend I asked if he liked pasta he said yes. I did it with sauce on (I stupidly assumed he would like pasta in sauce) and he only liked plain pasta so I quickly did some more plain because I would be mortified to tell his parents that I'd given him something he didn't like so wouldn't eat it.

One of my children seems to have some issues with food, getting him to try anything is horrendous and I don't force the issue anymore. I would not be happy at someone else expecting him to eat whatever and not complain. He would be very polite about it but he damn well wouldn't eat it out of politeness.

DaysAreWhereWeLive · 08/07/2015 22:07

DD had a friend round who walked in and said, straight off, 'I don't like ham, cheese, tuna, egg or chicken. The only thing I'll eat is Nutella.'

I laughed, obviously. And never invited him round again.

Crosbybeach · 08/07/2015 22:32

Looking back I was a really fussy child, and custard or white baguettes for 3 years.

To give parents of fussy children hope I now eat almost anything, love cooking and eating out... It was a phase.

whereismagic · 08/07/2015 23:25

Kamden Wed 08-Jul-15 21:19:06
People, RTFT......SHE DID CHECK WITH THE PARENTS!!!!!!!!

That's why it's more useful to ask what she likes rather than what she doesn't eat. For example, we love Greek food and DS can finish off a tub of taramasalata with raw vegetables pretty much on his own. I like curry and make milder varieties for family meals. It's our normal, but not everybody's normal, so when people say "s/he eats everything", I am pretty sure they don't include pad thai, moussaka etc. If DS didn't get into wraps in his nursery I am not sure he would've known what to do with OP's meal - I don't make them.

shrunkenhead · 09/07/2015 06:17

I'm with the OP on this one. She did all in her powers to ensure friend had a nice tea with plenty of choice and assumed she'd eat it, as oreviously had! Dd has a fussy eater friend so I know the two things she WILL eat..... However I still get.... "but this isn't ASDA pasta...." when I'm encouraging her to eat up. Her mother despairs with her and always apologises profusely. It annoys me when I've told her she csn leave it but she still wants the dessert or complains of being hungry later!
I was alwats told to eat up and not make a fuss at other people's houses and my dd does the same now. I tell her to tell me later if she didn't like it.

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