... to not go to this wedding?

[boltofblue]

I have been with my DP for less than a year (we have moved from being boyfriend / girlifrend to DP) and things are going really well. One of her best friends is getting married and DP was invited and will have a biggish role in the wedding (she'll be a bridesmaid).

The invitation was originally for my DP, but since we get together and became a solid couple, I was also invited. However, there's a problem. The wedding happens to clash with a conference (that was planned prior to the wedding and is important although not life-critical for my work) that I was going to which happens to be on the other side of the Atlantic, and the wedding is in rural France. The conference itself isn't in a very accessible place (think rather than New York, imagine a place an hour's drive away from a smaller city).

The wedding itself is on the Saturday, and the conference begins on the Sunday but the conference proper begins on Monday morning. I have looked into travel options, and the best option I can find is really difficult. I'd have to wake up on Sunday morning after the wedding, drive across rural france, take a train from a small city to Paris, fly across the Atlantic, then take a four hour train trip across the US to get to the conference at 10pm on the Sunday evening and I'd be shattered on Monday morning.

My DP is upset about this, and I've thought of cancelling the conference and getting a refund, or if I should do the difficult trip?

AIBU? I think I'm not, and I think for her, this is about something else (an ex didn't like to go the weddings with her, and I think she was getting very excited about going with me to such an important wedding). Am I being selfish here?

Even if I am or not, I would really welcome some advice and how to handle this

PS, I've changed some details to make it less identifiable, and I am male. Thanks

Also although it is manageable to do both it is both costly and a major hassle. In this incidence I would say just not wanting to do it is a perfectly reasonable excuse! Getting married abroad is great (did it myself) but you absolutely have to recognise that your entire social circle may not want to organise their time around it.

And trains are s-l-o-w in the USA. Freight takes precedence.

There are not so many steps. Unless you do a 'London-New York' trip, there are many steps in many trips. Delays happen, suitcases get lost, etc. It is like driving and traffic. You will have perfect journeys and others that go wrong.

He has two days to survive delays and make it to his presentation, which is a great privilege. Not sure in which world people live here. In my little bubble, using a conference where I speak on Tuesday to excuse myself on Saturday is unthinkable.

Still the OP has all the right in the world not to want to go to this wedding and to be totally underwhelmed by the prospect of a long trip and possible complications. What is quite strange is to table the possibility of cancelling the conference when there was no need for it, and it is obviously something you would never do after seeking funds, approval, paying, etc.

OP i think you know what you want to do, so just go with that.

love reading all the people who say you should do both.
they remind me of my dad who would volunteer all and sundry except himself for anything.
i often think that if it was 100 years ago, my brother would be dead in the trenches, my father having volunteered him for World War 1 before conscription.

Just send apologies to the wedding, say you'd have loved to have come but unfortunately you can't and that you hope they have a lovely time. End of.
It doesn't make sense to miss the conference, even if it were your own brother or something, when there would be a dilemma, but just for some people you don't even know well, it wouldn't occur to me that anybody would expect you to.

I have to ask as well, as it would be a consideration for me, can you afford all the extra car, train, flight? It sounds like it's going to cost a fortune, in order to only spend a few hours at the wedding.

Never EVER place your career below a new relationship. your GF is being silly and unreasonable. there is FAR too much to go wrong in your itinerary.

I was going to say 'conference' but I hear in your posts how important this is to your dp and how much you understand that, and her. Has she been single for a while? I think that it is really important to her to have this break with you - she's really looking forward to spending time with her partner at her side, meeting her old friends, dancing and drinking the night away.

Do both if you can, but even as a self acknowledged workaholic, I think that it is worth listening to your dp. It's worth investing in your relationship, in time out, and friends and memories, as well as your career (and I think you believe that too, otherwise you would have agreed with the majority and said no to the wedding six pages ago.)

Can she come to the conference with you afterwards, and share the stress of the journey/make it an adventure together?

To be honest, if I was involved with someone who couldn't see that a wedding of people I barely knew did not trump a pre-arranged conference at which I was speaking several hours strenuous travel away, I would be seriously rethinking the relationship.

So many bigger decisions and pressures are going to come along in the future and it is really important that a possible future DH/DW has their sense of priority straight.

She will be busy being a bridesmaid and on the top table for a substantial part of the wedding, so it is even less of an issue than a wedding where she is a guest who might want someone she knows to sit next to. Plus, if the couple are good friends then chances are she knows loads of other guests.

Do the conference.

Spog (only speaking about my own interventions) I am actually not recommending the OP to do both or volunteering him for anything. I am saying you don't threaten to cancel a professional event to avoid a wedding. To me that is very controlling and a red flag. A much bigger one than a partner who wants to share a special day with you.

The difficulty of the trip will depend on peoples' experience and attitude towards travelling. But he is not going to a remote part of the Amazon or to a lost village in Iraq. Chances are that everything will work out in developed countries where he speaks the language and understand the culture and transport system.

Maybe this is my inexperience speaking but the trip is made more daunting by it being unknown at both ends - when I leave my home, and travel to the airport, I'll know the way, and I expect the other end to be unknown (or vice versa on the way home). Here, I'll start in the middle of the French countryside, and I'll have it on the other side too

You could just about do both the wedding and the conference if you do both badly.

You'll attend a destination wedding knowing you have to be up super early for a really long journey by he following day. Then you'll miss networking that you think is important to attend.

It's a faff and a hassle that is completely pointless and only a very shit girlfriend you would be better off without would have done anything other than tell you to go to your conference and she's see you on your return.

If you were my friend agonising like this I would be seriously hoping you came to your senses and dumped someone so clingy and whiny.

It's not that it's a 'difficult' journey, it's just potentially involving delays with each change of transportation, as someone else said, and someone else's wedding is just not important enough for me to take on the extra hassle and expense.

And I think some people are missing the point about academic conferences - your own paper is not the entire point or anywhere near, even if you're the keynote. Arguably more important is hearing what else is going on in your field, making connections that can end up in jobs/shared research bids, being invited to contribute to someone's special issue, asking questions, getting ideas from cognate fields etc etc etc.

Can you outline your current travel plans?

How are you getting to the remote location in France? Flight then car hire? Driving all the way? How could this be made possible if you leave at a different time to your partner?

Have you paid registration/travel/accommodation for the conference?

I must agree HaleMary that many people are missing the point about the importance of academic conference... as I see it not worth taking a full week off and disappointing a partner over it. But this is the beauty of this forum. We all see the world differently.

in your shoes i'd do the conference only, now you've put it that way. it's a long and massively stressful journey.

If you are going to spend the whole wedding fretting about how you are going to get to the airport, you are hardly going to be fantastic company. Have you told your DP you just can't go? You have plenty of time to make it up to her. In my experience, when a disagreement happens in relationships, if its a major one, you assess whether the relationship or the disagreement are more important. If its the disagreement, then the relationship is doomed.

If this is the only conference you have funding for this year then this will also be the only chance to present your work in person and the only conference to connect to the other people in your field face to face. I know lots of well established researchers travel to conferences, give their presentation and disappear again but you don't sound like you are anywhere near that stage of your career.

I second what HaleMary said. Academic conferences are all about the connections you make there. You have to be there for the week, not just drop in for your time as speaker. Plus of course, your funding will have been agreed for you to attend the (whole) conference. Whoever your funding comes from might not wish for you to pay but only go to half the conference.

I would absolutely not cancel the conference but I think you should go to both.
It sounds like your presence at the wedding is important to her so think of the browny points you would accrue.

Sure, it's going to be an epic journey but if you plan it carefully it shouldn't be stressful or exhausting.

It's a no brainer for me too - definitely the conference wins out over a wedding of friends of your DP.
As someone else wrote up thread, if she is being a bridesmaid, she will be seated at the top table (you wont) and she will have bridesmaid things to attend to during the day (you wont) and you would end up being left at a table without your DP and by yourself a lot of the time during the day and the wedding ceremony.

If the wedding were in Paris or Lyon or some other large metropolitan area that has an international airport, I'd say give it your best shot and do both. As it stands, the wedding is not in one of those places and will require a lot of travel both to and from the airport even if there was no conference to go to. Factor in any travel delays (issues with the trainlines/delays/roadworks/security at the airport) and for me without a shadow of a doubt it would be the conference that I'd go to.

neli, the post I was addressing wasn't the OP but one that said 'When you are fresh in love and you want to show your boyf to your friends and family, well, those are important events.'

And I said If this is why the partner wants him there, then I think that's immature.'

Which I stand by. A precious chance to catch up with seldom-seen extended family is one thing, but wanting to 'show off' a new partner is quite another.

I say suck it up and do both. Plan the journey well so you know where you are going and bwst ways to get there - you've got months for goodness' sake. And those smartphone things most of us have, with maps, GPS, live flight times and traffic updates make travel pretty easy these days...

Think of it this way: if the conference was 2 days later you'd still have to do the same journey just in a slightly longer time, or even have the hassle of going back home in between.

To get to my parents' house a few hours away I have to go taxi-train-tube-other tube- train-bus-walk. Anything sounds like a hassle if you spell it out like that. I'm starting to think you are looking for an excuse.

I'm starting to think you are looking for an excuse.

A cross-continent journey on a deadline is not quite the same as a journey in one country of a few hours, though.

I'm saying conference only.

And your GF initially accepted the invitation and bridesmaid duties without you.

There was a thought that you could go, but it's not workable.

I say kudos to you for looking into it rather than dismissing out of hand tbh.

And it is actually about supporting her friend at her wedding, not showing you off!