... to not go to this wedding?

[boltofblue]

I have been with my DP for less than a year (we have moved from being boyfriend / girlifrend to DP) and things are going really well. One of her best friends is getting married and DP was invited and will have a biggish role in the wedding (she'll be a bridesmaid).

The invitation was originally for my DP, but since we get together and became a solid couple, I was also invited. However, there's a problem. The wedding happens to clash with a conference (that was planned prior to the wedding and is important although not life-critical for my work) that I was going to which happens to be on the other side of the Atlantic, and the wedding is in rural France. The conference itself isn't in a very accessible place (think rather than New York, imagine a place an hour's drive away from a smaller city).

The wedding itself is on the Saturday, and the conference begins on the Sunday but the conference proper begins on Monday morning. I have looked into travel options, and the best option I can find is really difficult. I'd have to wake up on Sunday morning after the wedding, drive across rural france, take a train from a small city to Paris, fly across the Atlantic, then take a four hour train trip across the US to get to the conference at 10pm on the Sunday evening and I'd be shattered on Monday morning.

My DP is upset about this, and I've thought of cancelling the conference and getting a refund, or if I should do the difficult trip?

AIBU? I think I'm not, and I think for her, this is about something else (an ex didn't like to go the weddings with her, and I think she was getting very excited about going with me to such an important wedding). Am I being selfish here?

Even if I am or not, I would really welcome some advice and how to handle this

PS, I've changed some details to make it less identifiable, and I am male. Thanks

in the spirit of being reasonable, why not suggest that you both go to the wedding, then leave the next day and she can accompany you to the US? If she thinks that is reasonable and is full of enthusiasm, and comes along for the marathon, then great. At least you'll have company for the extra 12 hours or so you'll be travelling.

Otherwise - you clearly dont want to go but are under a lot of pressure. It's not only a huge amount of extra expense for you, but a lot more travelling when you are already going trans atlantic. Seasoned travellers might not see that as a big deal, but you clearly do - and that is okay. A five hour flight is a big deal to most people, as is travelling across France. Most of us don't combine the two together if we can possibly avoid it. Not to mention the stress.

Bottom line - you might be together for the rest of your lives. You might not be. There will be other weddings you can go to together, weddings of mutual friends. But you need to build your career right now.

Conference.

But if you feel guilty about picking the conference could you use the money you would have spent on all that unnecessary travel to buy your DP some jewelry to wear at the wedding? That way, when she has to fend off questions about why you're not there she can show the necklace/earrings/whatever to the person asking. It might seem materialistic but it would perhaps make her feel better to have an object that symbolises you and your relationship in place of you being there?

I know lots of well established researchers travel to conferences, give their presentation and disappear again but you don't sound like you are anywhere near that stage of your career.

Absolutely

As for buying her a piece of jewellery she can show off in your stead?

Seriously, if you can be represented like that in her eyes, then you really need to get out of this relationship.

Normal women don't think it's so terrible to say "no, my new boyfriend is at an important annual conference, so he couldn't make it."

In fact most would leave out the words "important" and "annual".

You obviously think the conference should be your priority, so make your own decision like a grown up.

If she sulks, that tells you lots about her. And nothing good.

'I know lots of well established researchers travel to conferences, give their presentation and disappear again but you don't sound like you are anywhere near that stage of your career'

In my experience the pathology of self-importance, the thirst for academic tourism and the belief that your paper is the only one worth listening too, hits academics from very early. Established researchers do this too, but it is more noticeable, since people are there to engage with them. But precisely because they know their absence will be missed and they have a network of colleagues to pay respect to buy attending their sessions, it is less likely to see them disappear straight after their own delivery. I guess every discipline has its own codes.

And, from what we know, the OP will be attending the full conference. Unless he has a problem with a connection and then he is at risk of missing the first part of the conference on Monday. Not Tuesday and Wednesday.

Conference. You go to the conference. You don't dick around trying to fit yourself into a wedding as well. Don't be daft.

"Normal women don't think it's so terrible to say "no, my new boyfriend is at an important annual conference, so he couldn't make it."

Well, normal human beings would not say: 'I will cancel the conference if you want me to go to the wedding'. When there is not such thing as the possibility of cancelling this. He has asked for money from his department, filled in a staff development form, travel insurance, etc. No way he is going to cancel this. It is emotional blackmail to escape an event he does not feel like attending.

As another poster has said, I see more financial implications in this trip than a problem with the journey or impact on his conference.

Rather sexist to suggest OP has to buy his gf jewellery. Why not suggest she buys him new luggage to go to the conference? Aren't people in a relationship equals, or have we slipped back to the Victorian era?

could you use the money you would have spent on all that unnecessary travel to buy your DP some jewelry to wear at the wedding

How sexist. [hmm And patronising to the DP.

If she can't 'fend off questions' without a prop then she needs to grow up a bit. And anyway, surely people at a wedding have better things to do than give one guest out of many a grilling about why her partner isn't there?

Oops, messed up my face.

Camaleon - as far as I can see, the sequence of events was he told her he'd realised the conference (which was already booked, ages ago) would clash with the wedding so he wouldn't be able to go with her after all. She got upset. He is now trying to work out whether he could do both.

I really don't see how Op is using threats and emotional blackmail. More like she is throwing a fit to get her own way.

Pps who think all he has to do is plan the journey and everything will be all right. He doesn't control the French rail service or the airline or US Immigration. (That's without traffic delays during the 4 hour journey on the way to the station in France and does the train go straight to the airport?) So how long do you think Baggage pickup and US Immigration will take? It's taken me 2 hours on occasion. And how does he get from the airport to the station? And how many trains a day run to the small town 4 hours away? And he's still not at the venue. It's an hour's drive from there. Will there be a cab at whatever time of day he arrives?

That's the sort of journey you only undertake to get to a death bed or childbirth. Not to stand around at a wedding of people you don't know just because your gf wants to show you off.

Conference. And I wouldn't attempt the cross-France journey with all the potential for delay. Plus, presumably, hauling two lots of luggage - what op will need for the wedding and what he'll need for the conference.

If op is being funded, and he's representing an institution, he also has a responsibility to the funding body and institution, which includes the networking, hearing the other speakers, etc. It's a learning opportunity for him as well as an opportunity to promote his own research.

Conference

conference. It's a wedding "invitation" not a summons. You politely decline the invitation and wish them every happiness. Your dp accepted the invitation without you and was always going alone. So nothing has really changed. She will be disappointed but surely should be a grown up about this.

You see Thymeout? We read things very differently. The cancellation was never a possibility but he put it in the mix. My partner's wishes may jeopardize my career kind of attitude. Some of us don't see this as an epic journey, others do. It is irrelevant. What matters to me is the way this has been explained as if he was forced to decide one way or another.

I would do both for sure, precisely because both my partner and I travel quite a lot and we cherish every night we spend together as a couple and with the kids. But this is about what the OP wants or thinks is reasonable. And the only unreasonable part of his posts (in my personal view) is to allow his girlfriend to think the wedding would have any kind of impact in his professional development.

It would have an impact on cost, tiredness, etc. I would be honest and send my apologies to the wedding. End of the story.

I don't think I ever really intended this as a conference v wedding, as more conference v conference + wedding, hence the description of the trip - If I'm not going to the conference, it's a more civilised trip back to blighty

Before anything, check what's going on with the unions in France. Air traffic controllers have striked recently and summer is peak striking season. If there's a strike, you'll both be hid sting at the wedding venue, or in an airport if the trains aren't striking, after the wedding.

*holidaying!

as others have pointed out it is a very long and risky trip - you might easily miss a connection, be delayed etc and then you would not get to the conference until Monday. In any case it will be a very long and tiring trip considering you have 3 days of conference ahead of you. I would be knackered after a trip like that.
If you are willing to take all those risks then do both but IMO your DP is BVU. And I say that as someone who has happily been to events (and weddings) without my DP because of work commitments (and the other way round).

FWIW, I'm in the "cakewalk" category. I do this sort of travel all the time. Sometimes with children in tow, and you're a fit adult on your own!

You'll get there at 10pm, and then jetlag will mean you'll get a full nights sleep and be up raring to go. This is the first world, train journeys are not scary, you're not clinging to the side of an overloaded carriage, you will be fine.

I wouldn't even consider not doing both.

I would do both and think of it an exciting adventure as well as something to talk about afterwards. If the travelling goes tits up you'll still make it for your presentation anyway.

at the notion of a journey between rural France and rural America benign described as "risky"!

So what if he misses his connection? He'll arrive Monday morning instead of Sunday evening. Oh no! He'll have to sleep on a plane! Poor baby!

He is a healthy adult man, my 90 year old grandmother could do this trip with no problems, he will be fine.

Tony, Oh no! He'll have to sleep on a plane! Poor baby! is really uncalled for. You're being rather rude, and silly.

I'm sure the OP could do the journey without problems, and it may not be 'risky' in a big way or comparable to hanging out of a train carriage, but it's logistically a pain in the arse and lots could go wrong in the sense of missed connections etc.

The OP would be travelling to a deadline and one piece of bad luck with timing could mean missing quite a bit.

It's not just giving his paper that's important, as has been said; it's being at the conference early to meet people and schmooze.

Good for your 90 year old grandmother, I'm sure.

Conference.

What's silly is acting like this is in any way a difficult journey for a healthy adult who has travelled before.

It isn't.

I travel like this all the time for work. My journey from home in rural England to West Coast USA takes longer than this and involves more connections. DH does the same; between us we do this journey almost monthly.

We cut the journey this fine every time. Not to attend something as important as a wedding, just to minimise the time away from the DCs. It's fine. It's rare for things to go wrong and if they do you just get out your phone and solve the problem, and power through when you're there. It really isn't difficult, it is part of doing the work we do so we get on with it without moaning (oh noes, am I being rude again?!)

I will allow that I have been doing it long enough that it seems easy to me. A lot of DHs younger colleagues in particular struggle just with attending 4-5 day conferences but after 2x sleepless newborn boot camp nothing seems that tough! Likewise I continue to view solo travel time where I can work in peace, and watch or read whatever I like, as pure luxury! I admit it doesn't look like that to someone childless but that doesn't make it difficult!

Honestly this journey will be long just from England, if a healthy grown up travelling solo told me they wouldn't be attending a wedding because they couldn't handle taking a train in France, I would think they were fibbing and making up an excuse because I'd find it hard to believe someone could be so sheltered, or so much of a wimp.

Call me rude all you like but that's what lots of people will think of OP - at the wedding if he uses this as a reason not to go, and at the conference if he goes and is so gauche as to moan about feeling tired and jetlagged. People do this all the time. It's not a big deal.

I think that depends on what kind of traveller you are
No way could I do that journey without finding it a huge hassle. I don't sleep much in a bed never mind on a plane. I can hear engine noise for days afterwards too!

(Though this thread had made me realise why people puzzle over me being a bad traveller, clearly some of you think nothing of it)

But I still think it's bizarre to even ask someone to go that trouble for a wedding of people they don't even know. I wouldn't go to France for anyone's wedding bar a sibling or best mate I think.