Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 8 9 10 11 12 13

Original poster

... to not go to this wedding?

323 replies

boltofblue · 06/07/2015 07:38

I have been with my DP for less than a year (we have moved from being boyfriend / girlifrend to DP) and things are going really well. One of her best friends is getting married and DP was invited and will have a biggish role in the wedding (she'll be a bridesmaid).

The invitation was originally for my DP, but since we get together and became a solid couple, I was also invited. However, there's a problem. The wedding happens to clash with a conference (that was planned prior to the wedding and is important although not life-critical for my work) that I was going to which happens to be on the other side of the Atlantic, and the wedding is in rural France. The conference itself isn't in a very accessible place (think rather than New York, imagine a place an hour's drive away from a smaller city).

The wedding itself is on the Saturday, and the conference begins on the Sunday but the conference proper begins on Monday morning. I have looked into travel options, and the best option I can find is really difficult. I'd have to wake up on Sunday morning after the wedding, drive across rural france, take a train from a small city to Paris, fly across the Atlantic, then take a four hour train trip across the US to get to the conference at 10pm on the Sunday evening and I'd be shattered on Monday morning.

My DP is upset about this, and I've thought of cancelling the conference and getting a refund, or if I should do the difficult trip?

AIBU? I think I'm not, and I think for her, this is about something else (an ex didn't like to go the weddings with her, and I think she was getting very excited about going with me to such an important wedding). Am I being selfish here?

Even if I am or not, I would really welcome some advice and how to handle this

PS, I've changed some details to make it less identifiable, and I am male. Thanks

OP posts:

fancyanotherfez · 07/07/2015 15:36

I think people think your girlfriend is needy and controlling because you said not going would be a deal breaker. 'my girlfriend would quite like me to go to the wedding' is a different matter. My DH does this. Goes round and round the worst case scenario in his head for days on end rather than just explaining the situation and asking a simple question!

pilates · 07/07/2015 16:25

So boltofblue, what are you going to do do?

MistressDeeCee · 07/07/2015 16:35

hmmmm I don't know, OP. You've asked a bunch of women questions re. an event your DP wants you to attend with her. You KNEW you would get comments such as needy, controlling, emotional blackmail etc. All very unpleasant. Are you happy with seein/reading a stream of comments like that about your partner? Seems to me you're encouraging it.

You have a partner - talk it out with her. If you can't go then don't. Some of the comments here are extreme and I've seen nothing to suggest that if you don't go to the wedding then the relationship is over, apart from a vague hint by you. Still if thats the case you already know the score so attend the conference and be glad you got away from a controlling DP. Do you work away a lot and tend to miss important events, I wonder...?

Even though Im a bit doubtful that she is controlling..sounds possibly as if she really wants you to go to the wedding with her. Not that she's screaming "we're finished because you won't attend".

diddl · 07/07/2015 16:41

What makes you think that it might be unreasonable not to go, OP?

Blondeshavemorefun · 07/07/2015 18:10

conference as

it was booked before wedding invite
you originally were not on the wedding list, but added as now a DP
gf/dp is BM, this means you wont see her most of the day
if you can do both easily/same county, let alone country, then yes try, but they are not, so no point rushing from wedding to conference

Original poster

boltofblue · 10/07/2015 08:11

Thanks - to update I decided not to worry about it for a few days - we spoke about it again last night, and my girlfriend is just so upset - this wedding is so important to her. And the more she makes it a big thing, the less I want to go. Really not sure what to do next

OP posts:

trixymalixy · 10/07/2015 08:21

I'd try to do both. I quite frequently do arduous trips to fit things in though. They're things I really want to do though!

jorahmormont · 10/07/2015 08:27

Conference.

If she's getting upset over this, when you weren't even invited a couple of months ago, she needs to get a grip. Surely if she's got a role in the wedding, the couple aren't the only people she knows? Sounds like she just wants you there to show you off. The conference is far more important than the wedding of some randomers so you can be arm candy.

diddl · 10/07/2015 08:34

Conference.

It's a friend's wedding, she's blowing it way out of proportion.

She should be disappointed, but not upset.

Original poster

boltofblue · 10/07/2015 08:37

That's what I think, she's blowing it out of proportion, but we're really struggling to communicate about it

OP posts:

diddl · 10/07/2015 08:41

You just have to tell her no imo.

I can't help thinking that she has in her mind a romantic weekend away & her looking so great as a bridesmaid that you'll propose!

She accepted it as just her, that's what makes it so odd that this is such a big thing now.

It's not as if she was relying on you for help to get there or with luggage etc.

pilates · 10/07/2015 08:46

Boltofblue ....really?

How old is your girlfriend, 16?

Sorry but alarm bells would be ringing for me. It's not showing a good strength of character. Disappointed yes, but very upset?

Original poster

boltofblue · 10/07/2015 08:59

She's in her early 30s, and she's great - but on this we can't seem to see eye to eye - she would like to have memories to share with her friends when we're 80. I don't know, I find myself getting stressed by it to be honest

OP posts:

MaidOfStars · 10/07/2015 09:04

What is her preferred solution? That you sack off the conference or that you make the difficult journey?

MaidOfStars · 10/07/2015 09:05

(I would add that I respond incredibly badly to tears and manipulation [as I would perceive it] - her response would make me angry. And stubborn.)

MaidOfStars · 10/07/2015 09:08

I wonder if she had to pressure the bride and groom for an invitation, and will feel humiliated if you decline?

Original poster

boltofblue · 10/07/2015 09:12

Her preferred option is that I do both - that explore every single travel option between rural france and the conference

OP posts:

wibbleywee · 10/07/2015 09:13

You would be mad to not go to the conference, are your work not funding this? Will they not be quite irritated if you don't go? Your career is there for life, you have only been with this girl (she is acting like one!) a year or so. Dont go!

silversixpence · 10/07/2015 09:20

Definitely the conference, she is being ridiculous to make such a drama over it. They are her friends and she can still make great memories without you.

pilates · 10/07/2015 09:38

Op,

How do you feel about the way she has behaved over this, truthfully?

Sorry but I'm from a working class family and I was brought up that work comes first. I suppose that's why I'm finding it hard to get my head round the situation. To me it's a no-brainer.

Original poster

boltofblue · 10/07/2015 09:44

Honestly, I feel as if she's being unreasonable about this completely- I know weddings are important (I'm not a massive fan) but the more she gets upset about this, the more I feel annoyed with it. I don't know the couple, I've not even met the groom, it's impractical, expensive. It seems as if no just isn't even an option for her on this

OP posts:

Original poster

boltofblue · 10/07/2015 09:49

Friends and weddings are a big part of her life - next year, there is a wedding in Australia she has been invited to which she will defintely go to, hell or high water

OP posts:

irregularegular · 10/07/2015 09:58

Unless possibly you are making an important presentation on Monday, or the conference only lasts a day, then I don't see any reason not to do both. I can't believe everyone is telling you not to! It's a whole day's travel, but no overnight flights or anything particularly grim. You'd still have had the transatlantic part and time-difference and travel at the other side regardless, and would presumably only have traveled on day earlier regardless.

Both events are worthwhile, both are perfectly feasible. You are young and childless (no sleep backlog from broken nights and plenty of chance to catch up) You can rest a fair bit on the way. Don't drink too much on Saturday night and go to bed at a sensible time. Most academics have done at least this much travel just before a conference. My husband once spent half a term simultaneously teaching courses in Oxford and Stanford each week (no recommended tbh). All sorts of people do this much travel for work all the time. Toughen up a bit - you'll be fine!

hhhhhhh · 10/07/2015 10:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

faitaccompli · 10/07/2015 10:10

Just do both - I really cannot see the issue. It wouldn't cross my mind to cancel either and I bet I am a fair bit older than you ...

Flip

1 2 ··· 8 9 10 11 12 13