... to not go to this wedding?

[boltofblue]

I have been with my DP for less than a year (we have moved from being boyfriend / girlifrend to DP) and things are going really well. One of her best friends is getting married and DP was invited and will have a biggish role in the wedding (she'll be a bridesmaid).

The invitation was originally for my DP, but since we get together and became a solid couple, I was also invited. However, there's a problem. The wedding happens to clash with a conference (that was planned prior to the wedding and is important although not life-critical for my work) that I was going to which happens to be on the other side of the Atlantic, and the wedding is in rural France. The conference itself isn't in a very accessible place (think rather than New York, imagine a place an hour's drive away from a smaller city).

The wedding itself is on the Saturday, and the conference begins on the Sunday but the conference proper begins on Monday morning. I have looked into travel options, and the best option I can find is really difficult. I'd have to wake up on Sunday morning after the wedding, drive across rural france, take a train from a small city to Paris, fly across the Atlantic, then take a four hour train trip across the US to get to the conference at 10pm on the Sunday evening and I'd be shattered on Monday morning.

My DP is upset about this, and I've thought of cancelling the conference and getting a refund, or if I should do the difficult trip?

AIBU? I think I'm not, and I think for her, this is about something else (an ex didn't like to go the weddings with her, and I think she was getting very excited about going with me to such an important wedding). Am I being selfish here?

Even if I am or not, I would really welcome some advice and how to handle this

PS, I've changed some details to make it less identifiable, and I am male. Thanks

For me, it's not that it's a particularly hard journey but that ONE problem at ONE location will have a knock on effect that means OP won't make the conference. I would want to minimise that perfectly feasible risk by leaving myself extra time in my planning, not cutting it to the wire to attend a wedding of people I don't know to watch someone be a bridesmaid.

What makes the wedding so important? Is it one of her parents'?

My husband couldn't go to my best friends wedding where I was bridesmaid due to work; no-one thought anything of it, least of all me! My sister came with me as
my +1; is there someone like that who could go with your DP? (Granted my sister knew the bride and her family v well too)

Ach do both! It would be totally romantic #soppy

who on earth puts pressure on someone to do a tiresome, long, multi-stage, transatlantic journey just so they can barely show their face at the wedding of a couple they barely know?

It would be a long multi-stage transatlantic journey anyway and he isn't going for the couple, he would be going because his girlfriend wants him there for some reason. On the weekend itself it probably only saves one leg over going from home.

Getting to Paris from rural France adds a lot of annoying, unreliable, and unfamiliar stages to the journey.

Also he wants to be there on Sunday, so Saturday should be his travelling day.

The idea that a person should do pointless, unpleasant, annoying, expensive, potentially professionally hurtful things because they are fucking someone who "wants them" somewhere is so weird.

"No, I'm tied up that weekend at my annual funded conference."

That should have been the beginning and the end of that conversation.

yeah but just because it is unfamiliar doesn't make it bad. OP has been to some unusual and unfamiliar places. I have no idea where he lives or where in France his girlfriend is going or where in the U.S. he is going, but say, he lives in Cambridge and wants to fly to Minnesota and then take a train to Faygo.

He would perhaps need to drive or take a taxi to the bus station and then take a bus to Heathrow, fly to Minneapolis, then take the train to Faygo.

Is that so different from drive or take a taxi to rural french railway station, take train to CDG, fly to blah blah blah?

He has already said that she wants it and her wants are important to him.

Unfamiliar means it will require more mental energy to negotiate.

she wants it and her wants are important to him.

That is so disordered as thinking about a relationship it's hard to know where to start.

If he's going to live his life making every one of her unreasonable demands into something "important", that's going to be a shit life he has.

He obviously doesn't want to go and doesn't feel he should go.

He's asking whether he should put aside his judgement, convenience, prior commitments, and professional reputation to give in to his girlfriend's pouty, unreasonable tantrum.

Answer: No fucking chance

I dunno, I've been married twenty years and if occasionally your other half wants something really badly and s/he doesn't ask very often then sometimes you suck it up and just do it. My Dh rarely asks much of me, but last month really badly wanted me to come with him on a business trip very last minute that consisted of over 800 miles of driving and an overnight. He so rarely asks that even though I had little desire to do it I did.

and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be and made him happy.

I'd go to the conference.
My partner couldn't come to my really good friend's wedding with me last year due to work. I still want to the wedding and enjoyed myself.

Yes but Spoony this isn't one trip in 20 years when she never asks. Its a one year relationship, and she is asking him to go to a wedding of people he barely knows and hang around like a spare part while she does bridesmaid duties then do a pita transatlantic trip.

I would say OP maybe should just talk to her and say he doesn't want to go. She might be annoyed for a few days then get over it, problem solved!

Researcher's wife here. If you have funding for a conference you should go. Maybe she does not realise how important it is for networking, especially if you are presenting. Conferences are very important in the research world.

My husband has missed family events and close friends' weddings due to work commitments. That's the reality of work. I have missed family weddings in his family too. He understands and is fully supportive.

I'd explain to your other half how important this conference is. It took me a while to realise that they aren't just a piss up excuse like they would be in my work field.

Go to the conference.
Miss the wedding.
Go for a nice meal with DP and B&G afterwards.

Without knowing how the transport links in that particular part of rural France are there is no way of knowing how feasible it is to do the wedding+conference. I live in rural Scotland, I also travel a lot for work and for me just getting to Edi or Gla airport can take as long as an intercontinental flight if I take the train and even driving is at least 2 hours to Glasgow, longer if there are lots of tourists or trucks around. Travelling at weekends is further complicated because some of the few trains don't run at weekends.
Also, last time I went through customs at an East-USA airport it took me almost 2 hours to get through customs.
I would look very carefully into the travel options before making any decision.

Conferance. Or both.

Whatever you do, some information seems missing.
If you have paid fees for the conference (you speak about a refund) you have presumably also booked the accommodation at the reduced fare offered for conference attendees. This also means booking the flight accordingly.

In your shoes I would not have a problem with the trip. I would have a problem with changing the reservations which is normally impossible. There is no way on earth I would waste the University money to book my own alternative journey at this point. But you don't mention this at all.

So either your trip through France still allows you to make the connection you considered in the first place and arrive at 10 pm on Sunday as booked. Or you are changing flights,etc. This second option is totally over the top for attending a wedding.

If you have not booked accommodation or flights, it should be really easy to find a connection from France and start the journey there.

I remain convinced you don't want to go to this wedding (which is perfectly reasonable) but you are failing to own the truth for whatever reason, making this trip a much bigger issue than it seems to me (if you wanted to attend the wedding).

Camaleon, if the OP had gone into that detail, most of us would have nodded off.

I didn't get the impression that arriving on Sunday at 10pm was his original plan.

It sounds to me as if he'd happily go to the wedding if it was in a different location or on a different date.

The logistics of the trip are a gigantic issue unless you are the type who takes travel so easily and you can sleep standing up, have no jet lag etc. just because they aren't an issue to you doesn't mean they wouldn't be an issue for someone else.

I think there's a good chance that Op would have hoped to travel on the Saturday, leaving Sun free? Certainly if he lived in the UK equivalent of rural France. No idea how close he lives to the airport.

Butterfly,
I don't project my own approach to travelling to others. As it happens, I enjoy travelling. I find academic life very undemanding on the physical side of things. Attending a conference where you have a very limited role and you are not worried about logistics is about the only thing I could do properly, even jet-lagged.
To be honest, the very bad mother in me, always jumped at the opportunity of an interrupted night of sleep, meeting new interesting people working in my field and socializing with my food and bed sorted, when my kids were small.
There is no 'compulsory' trips in academia. It is something we do in our own terms for our own benefit.
As I have said several times, I find the way the OP explained the situation utterly strange, mainly when he spoke about cancelling something he could not possibly cancel. Many people posting here have made nasty comments about his partner and called her controlling and needy. My own take on it is that he was totally out of order suggesting a cancellation and putting her in the situation of 'wedding or conference'.

I'd like to make it very clear that I never presented a choice to my girlfriend as Wedding or Conference. Sorry for any confusion there

I also don't think my girlfriend is being needy or controlling - she would just like me there

Well if she's not being needy or controlling, then it's already sorted, surely?

You've told her it doesn't make sense to go through my he wedding my and she has said that it's no problem and she'll see you after your conference.

camaleon - I think my confusion is partly from what boltofblue already said - I didn't think he was presenting it as a choice. I thought he was just wondering what to do and I thought you were oddly suspicious of him. Such is life on an internet board

bolt, will you come back and tell us what you decide?

I agree with Bathtime

You've looked into it & no can do.