To expect DH to get a vasectomy

[elderfloweriver]

We have two, nearly three children, a mix of boys and girls (if that's relevant) and no3 was unplanned.

We hit a rocky stage in our marriage and I asked him to leave for a bit. He did so. Now we are back together but I have to admit I didn't want 3 DCs.

I won't use hormonal contraception and so now our family is complete I feel DH should look into having a vasectomy - I just CAN'T have four children!

But I can't work out whether this is reasonable and fair or controlling?

What do you think?

DH took the approach that I'd hady body hacked about enough so he'd have a vascectomy after our second DC. And yes it did mean a lot to me that he stepped up like that. Also, nobody has yet mentioned that vascectomy is considerably more reliable than female sterilisation .

However DH did then have serious complications and for a while he was staring down the barrel of permanent damage, up to and including losing testicles. Fortunately he recovered.

And I agree with everyone else that even though OP might think that 3 children should be more than enough for her DH even if he gets divorced, I think that her DH won't feel like that if he falls in love with a woman who really wants children of her own.

You can talk to him about it, of course you can. But think about your other options with a more open mind because you can't make him say yes.

What's the objection to using a cap?

Jesus! I think everyone should leave the OP alone now! Her dh should get the snip and stop being a knobhead!

op

I haven't said I expect him to or the relationship depends on it; I'm stuck either way and so it's not very pleasant to think he could skip off and then make a new family.

But he has the right to do so and that right is all important.

YANBU to ask him to consider it, though you obviously can't force him to do it. It's my understanding that sterilisation is a lot more invasive and takes longer to recover from, and so combined with all the pain and difficulty of pregnancy and childbirth and the aftermath, I agree with MrsTP that its not unreasonable to ask the man to take one for the team.

huh? don't have a vasectomy in case this family i've created doesn't work out??? wtaf

hedge your bets. keep your options open. great basis for a marriage! shows true commitment.

No the dh should not get the snip. Because you say so.

It's ridiculous.

Op you are obviously stressed out by this and the pregnancy. Grumpy wasn't horrible. She was understanding but didn't agree with you.

The fact remains that you are the one that wants noore children.....ever. That's not his decision. He certainly shouldn't be able to pressure you into another, but he may not want to close that door.

There is a lot of resentment in your relationship and you are using this as a test to see if he loves you or not. You admitted it yourself. That's not a stable relationship.

Thank you Eddie.

Thank you.

So unbelievably insulting!

That you're clearly stressed and this is making you irrational?
Or that your posts on here give the impression of not having much respect for your husband?
you are right that I don't know about your life, I only have what you have written here to go off, and you may not like that but it is how you are coming across.
I do feel for you because it's an awful situation for both of you, but this is a long term decision which affects your husband much more than you. Right now you have decided no more kids, right back at the beginning of the thread you gave the impression that even if you split up he now has his family and shouldn't have any more but that these were your thoughts not his (apologies if I have misinterpreted that).
The bottom line is that if he gets a vasectomy he loses any choice about being a father in the future but you still have that option if you change your mind. You seem to be the person set on this permanent course of action right now so you need to be more open about it.

OP, it's not that his right to start a new family is all important. I don't understand why you focus on that when, for instance, people have pointed out the risks associated with the procedure.

What is important is his right to decide what to do with his body.

It has sod all to do with wanting children. DH doesn't want more children. Apart from anything else we couldn't really afford a fourth comfortably.

It's everything to do with not wanting to help not wanting to accept his part in creating these children and seemingly not caring that I've been through absolute hell. And I know that's self pitying and you know what I don't care: I can't leave dc3 with him on account of her being inside me still but I can leave the other two and I will and we will see whether he's so keen inns fourth then. Because I can tell you now we need something permanent!

I don't disagree ici but pregnancy and birth and sterilisation aren't risk free either.

OP how old are youtube, incidentally? (only asking because it does impact on fertility issues for women, obviously)

I meant you, not youtube

I feel like flinging myself on your shoulder and weeping in gratitude mrsdevere.

'It isn't an unreasonable request'

Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you.

Esme - seriously? Being a knobhead because he doesn't want to permanently make himself infertile? I don't believe (although might have missed it in which case I take it back and he is a knob) that he is refusing to use other forms of contraception, he just doesn't want to commit to a life changing op right now.

Thanks Teabag, that's exactly it!

Made me laugh anyway. 33.

Sterilisation is done by laparoscopy-it is not 'being cut open'
I was sterilised 6 weeks after birth of DD2 .I get pregnant easily but am not very good at carrying to term .Had I had a C sectionI would have requested it then .Felt as thoughI'd been kicked in the groin the following day but after that was fine and certainly wasn't out of action /useless for weeks .This was25 years ago andI dare say techniques have improved since then
My Dh would probably have had a vasectomy had I pushed it but I felt that if anything happened to me he might meet someone younger and want more DCs .It was not a ' financial' decision but a health one .i would have loved more children .And truth be told DH might have done it but would have put it off and I just wanted it sorted .I think women are much more stoical and matter of fact about these things -after childbirth, it was nothing

Yeah well he doesn't tend to think of contraception in the heat of the moment.

It's perfectly reasonable to ask. It's even reasonable to put forward the obviously strong arguments in favour of it. But it's not reasonable to expect it and to make it a test of whether he cares enough about you. What you have been through in the past is not his fault and is not relevant to this.

are you the same poster who posted about the job interview? your partner doesn't come off well from your threads, imo. have you considered just binning him and living happily ever after alone with your kids? anyway mn can be really weird about men and pregnancy and vasectomies. if you'd posted this a few years ago you'd have got unanimous response of not being unreasonable at all. I've got a coil atm and can understand why you don't fancy it. sometimes I can feel it inside and it turns my stomach. dp has been told he needs to sort out a snip so I can have it out. there will come a point when we will stop having sex if he doesn't. if that's so terrible of me that he has to leave to get his dick wet elsewhere, that's his look out. I bore and birthed the babies at immense personal risk. the risk associated with vasectomy is not comparable to pregnancy and childbirth.

It's not very happy alone with the kids unfortunately! Alone full stop - maybe.

He knows what he's doing all right.

No one ever said it's an unreasonable request.

They said the 'expecting' , the 'he should take one for the team', the 'test' and the 'no more sex or a the snip' that's unreasonable.

Requesting not unreasonable at all. But again what will the OP do if he has it and in a few years the tubes reconnect, which does happen? And she ends up unexpectedly pg again.

Also if the marriage is rocky, it's not unreasonable for him to think about what happens if the marriage breaks down and he wants more kids. Surely everyone should think of these things when deciding whether to do this or not.

My niece persuaded (more emotional blackmail) her husband to have the op, they split she went on to have another child with a new partner, a choice he no longer had. My DP had the OP but he was 50 and did nor want anymore children even if we split. It was his decision.