Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to get a vasectomy

507 replies

elderfloweriver · 03/07/2015 17:58

We have two, nearly three children, a mix of boys and girls (if that's relevant) and no3 was unplanned.

We hit a rocky stage in our marriage and I asked him to leave for a bit. He did so. Now we are back together but I have to admit I didn't want 3 DCs.

I won't use hormonal contraception and so now our family is complete I feel DH should look into having a vasectomy - I just CAN'T have four children!

But I can't work out whether this is reasonable and fair or controlling?

What do you think?

OP posts:
GrumpyOldBiddy2 · 04/07/2015 09:37

Not one person has said that it is an unreasonable request. They have said that it's an unreasonable expectation.

If you want him to accept his part in making these children that is one thing (a significant thing) but trying to make him do this is not right.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 09:37

Abort. Without hesitation and without question. That's what the op will do and what she should have done before.

OP posts:
Icimoi · 04/07/2015 09:38

the risk associated with vasectomy is not comparable to pregnancy and childbirth.

But that's not the comparison we're making, is it? It's the risk associated with two types of surgery. Or, if you go for Essure, surgery versus a non-surgical procedure.

GrumpyOldBiddy2 · 04/07/2015 09:40

Yeah well he doesn't tend to think of contraception in the heat of the moment.

Then tell him you won't have sex till he starts thinking about contraception, one way or another - end of story.

Teabagbeforemilk · 04/07/2015 09:41

Op, you are obviously very upset. Have you spoken to your midwife about your feelings?

The point I was making is, even if he agrees there is still a risk of pregnancy. Your posts read as though if he does this one tiny thing for you, it will all be ok and you never have to worry again. That's not the case.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 09:41

I know teabag but it will reduce the risk - you know?

OP posts:
noeffingidea · 04/07/2015 09:42

So you're 33, that means you possibly have 20 fertile years ahead of you.
You sound very sure that you'll 'never go near another man', but a lot of things can change in 20 years. Your marriage doesn't seem to be that stable, from things you have said yourself.
To me that was the attraction of being sterilised myself. I wanted to be in control of my own fertility, irregardless of what would happen in the future.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 09:43

Twenty? Confused Ten, fifteen at a push I think!

I will absolutely not ever go near another man and it's frustrating to be told I don't know my own mind.

OP posts:
Teabagbeforemilk · 04/07/2015 09:44

And yes. He needs to get a grip and think about contraception everytime. Not doing is unacceptable

Postchildrenpregranny · 04/07/2015 09:46

PS. About 35years ago I collected a friend after his vascectomy(wife couldn't drive) Their DC was an accident and they had married very young because of it .Wife felt career stymied and did not want more children She embarked on OU degree
Fast forward 25 years and I bump into friend ,with whom I had lost touch , at a conference .They had had a divorce , wife remarried and had another child .He had new relationship and was a tad bitter ,although to be fair it was I think a joint decision at the time .You can never predict what might happen

Mrsjayy · 04/07/2015 09:46

Your husband sounds selfish and uncaring I am really sorry you are going through this Flowers tbh if I was you id be making sure I couldnt have anymore children with a man like that

Teabagbeforemilk · 04/07/2015 09:47

Yes but not eliminate it. Which is what you want

scaevola · 04/07/2015 09:48

"posted this a few years ago you'd have got unanimous response of not being unreasonable at all"

That would have been before the NHS updated the risk advice for vasectomy, and certainly before the MNetter posted the ful, story step by step of a vasectomy gone wrong. And other MNetter have also been affected (one on this thread about having to consider orchidectomy).

MN tends to go by the evidence base. The risks of vasectomy are usually underrated, and the risks of female sterilisation overrated, and the existence of the female non-surgical procedure overlooked entirely.

OP: sterilisation for either of you isn't going to fix your relationship. And pressuring/expecting him is usually a straight route to considerable worsening.

But you have said so many times that you are so sure that you do not want any more DC. There is nothing whatsoever to stop you making the decision for you own body and well-being.

Teabagbeforemilk · 04/07/2015 09:50

So you know you own mind, but dh is unsure. You know you will never change your mind regardless of your marriage. So the sensible option would be for you too do it.

It seems that you are wanting him to do this for other reasons. You seem desperate for him to do it even though there are other options

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 09:50

And I will do so but it is just one more thing, one more bit of pain and humiliation and sacrifice and compromise that has to happen. And yes I know I deserve it all because I have a vagina but it still upsets me.

OP posts:
tobysmum77 · 04/07/2015 09:55

I think you sound really unhappy op, just an observation.

Teabagbeforemilk · 04/07/2015 09:55

Why do feel it's a sacrifice and humiliation?

scaevola · 04/07/2015 09:55

Taking charge of your fertility is pretty much the opposite of humiliation and sacrifice.

It's not a case of 'deserving it' because you have a vagina, but you're basically correct. The biological differences are relevant.

It also seems that you have let a whole heap of wider relationship issues coalesce onto this one issue. And it is an issue where they simply cannot fairly belong.

Mrsjayy · 04/07/2015 09:55

You deserve none of what you said because you have a vagina you deserve a husband who respects you and your children

Teabagbeforemilk · 04/07/2015 09:56

And it's nothing to do with you having a vagina. It's to do with you being the one that is 100% sure that you will never ever want anymore kids.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 09:58

Can people not understand what it would mean to hear DH say 'don't worry love, I will book in the snip while you recover from having our daughter.'

If he offered I'd probably say that's ok - I can g sterilised.

It's the fact he won't even consider it and it's got sod all to do with wanting other children.

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 04/07/2015 09:59

Taking control of your own body is empowering not humilitating

Iliveinalighthousewith2friendl · 04/07/2015 10:02

What if you and your DH split. Hopefully you would both go on to meet someone else, in time. What if him and is say future partner wanted children.
If you don't want anymore and want to get sterilised them that's an entirely different kettle of fish. It's your body, but you can't dictate what your DH does with his

Teabagbeforemilk · 04/07/2015 10:02

So you see it as a sign of love?
maybe he doesn't see it the same way. Besides which, we were interviewed by a doctor to make sure we were both 100% sure. He may not get one of he says he doesn't really want one.

You are testing him, especially if you would get sterilised anyway if he offered. This isn't the sign of a good relationship for either of you.

If you weren't keen on having it done and your dh said he definitely didn't want more kids. I would be saying he needs to get it done.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 10:03

Lighthouse why on earth would I want another husband and more babies Confused

OP posts: