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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to get a vasectomy

507 replies

elderfloweriver · 03/07/2015 17:58

We have two, nearly three children, a mix of boys and girls (if that's relevant) and no3 was unplanned.

We hit a rocky stage in our marriage and I asked him to leave for a bit. He did so. Now we are back together but I have to admit I didn't want 3 DCs.

I won't use hormonal contraception and so now our family is complete I feel DH should look into having a vasectomy - I just CAN'T have four children!

But I can't work out whether this is reasonable and fair or controlling?

What do you think?

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 04/07/2015 08:26

They will sterrilise 6 weeks (or maybe 12 ) after giving birth the op could go on a waiting list now

StarDustMonkey · 04/07/2015 08:40

I just want to point out to the poster who said tell him to wear 2 condoms - this is very dangerous advice as it increases the chance of condom failure.

Anyway you ABveryU, and for some reason have this notion that as you don't want any more children with or without DH, then he should feel the same. Even if he doesn't want any more children, with or without you, that still doesn't mean he must be ok about getting a vasectomy.

I also can't believe the double standards on this thread between male and female body autonomy, it is awful :(

Mrsjayy · 04/07/2015 08:45

Terrible isn't it just because a woman carrys a baby doesnt give her the right over the man in her life his body his right not to have an operation

VikingVolva · 04/07/2015 08:46

"It is very hurtful to be described in those terms as if I am nothing more than a breeding machine"

Basic biology means that you are the one who gets pregnant.

It's also you who is sure no more DC, ever.

As pointed out, repeatedly, by many posters, you can be the one who is sterilised. Because it's you who is sure that the permanent solution is right for you.

Especially as with Essure you do not even need a GA or incision these days.

noeffingidea · 04/07/2015 08:55

Tubal ligation via keyhole surgery is considered minor surgery nowadays even done under general anaesthetic.
I found having a couple of teeth out more disruptive and painful ,and that wasn't under anaesthetic.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 08:56

I don't see any double standards.

I am not controlling; I am not bullying and I am not blackmailing.

I just don't really, if it can be avoided, want another operation.

OP posts:
Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 08:56

Well we are all different.

I was in agony after keyhole surgery.

OP posts:
tobysmum77 · 04/07/2015 08:57

but neither does your dh Confused

AuntieStella · 04/07/2015 08:58

"I just don't really, if it can be avoided, want another operation."

And then you will fully respect it if your DH has an identical view.

Because to do otherwise would indeed be double standards.

GrumpyOldBiddy2 · 04/07/2015 08:59

OP, you are coming across as being so stressed and anxious about pregnancy and motherhood that you are being very irrational and unreasonable.
If you don't want any more kids you need to be the person to do something about it. Your DH is in a position where he is in a rocky marriage, judging by your posts in here you give an impression of not liking or having much respect for him, and you are insisting that he should permanently remove his ability to have kids even though he is not so set on this.
This has become much more of a battle of wills for you than is healthy for your relationship. You asked on here 'AIBU' you got an almost unanimous 'yes' and you are digging your heels in further and getting more cross. Can you see that you may be being irrational (understandable given your anxiety, but perhaps discuss that with a GP rather than DH until you feel calmer about everything)

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 09:00

The difference being that I already have.

OP posts:
Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 09:00

Oh fuck off grumpy. You haven't a clue.

OP posts:
Esmeismyhero · 04/07/2015 09:00

My dh had a vasectomy when I was 26 weeks pregnant with our second child. I don't think it's unreasonable at all to ask him to have the procedure. You have given birth 3 times and tbh vasectomy safe not that bad, my dh was fine after a week and it didn't hurt one bit.

crispandfruity · 04/07/2015 09:01

I had 2 under 2. I went to a FP clinic. Went on the pill and then got a coil. I didn't want more children so I took control of my fertility.

Also, I made sure I was fully informed about various options /procedures. Your comments about sterilization indicate that you aren't.

YANBU to ask DH about having a vasectomy. YABU to turn it into a condition of your relationship.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 09:03

I'm not. It was never a condition of our relationship - but it would mean a lot.

If I could I'd walk out tomorrow and leave him with the children. He'd get a vasectomy then:

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 04/07/2015 09:05

"The difference being that I already have."

You have already has surgery to remove your fertility?

Then why do you need him to do it at all?

No, I'm not being silly: I am pointing out that you are nit comparing like for like. This isn't test of him, or a form of payback. It's a whole new situation, where either of you could have the op. And as you are the one who wants it, you should be the one to get it done.

Especially as there is a version of the procedure for women's now which isn't exactly surgical.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 09:05

I have already had SURGERY.

OP posts:
VikingVolva · 04/07/2015 09:09

"If I could I'd walk out tomorrow and leave him with the children. He'd get a vasectomy then"

Really?

And his choices, on anything, if you end the relationship are what to do with you?

Going back to the start of the thread. You said the relationship has been ended, but you got back together. You are now talking, whether seriously or not, about leaving him again.

If you are sure that you still do not want more DC, you need to work out what level of protection you want in future relationships. Because (as has already been pointed out) you cannot keep expecting every potential suitor to have a vasectomy.

AuntieStella · 04/07/2015 09:11

"I have already had SURGERY."

Yes, I get that, you don't need to shout.

But as it is not contraceptive surgery that you have had, it's not the same thing, and that is why you are not comparing like for like.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 09:11

I'm not talking about leaving HIM; I'm talking about the children.

I'm never going near a man again don't worry.

OP posts:
Athenaviolet · 04/07/2015 09:11

if DP wants sex on demand

^this is quite worrying. OP are you having sex when you don't want to? If DP is forcing/coercing you into sex then that^ is the problem, not contraception.

since he doesn't have to carry them or look after them much he is less worried about the prospect of a fourth than me

^^this is another problem. He needs to step up & take full responsibility for his DCs. It sounds like you have a very unequal relationship.

I'm not surprised you left him before.

GrumpyOldBiddy2 · 04/07/2015 09:12

Oh fuck off grumpy. You haven't a clue.

Classy. FWIW I was trying to understand your perspective, what would make you so driven to this in spite of your husbands reluctance. And the sense of stress coming off your posts is palpable.

I think you are completely wrong in this and can see it from a different perspective (of which I do have experience) but rather than judge you, I'm trying to empathise - the response I get is this.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 09:13

But apparently Athena I have no respect for him; I am bullying him; I am emotionally blackmailing him, and I'm NOT.

OP posts:
Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 09:14

I shouldn't have sworn and I apologise for that but I am not taking back the second part as its true, you haven't a clue. How could you say such horrible things and then say you're trying to empathise?

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 04/07/2015 09:15

elderfloweriver, i totally get where you are coming from. i have been there. my dh did get a vasectomy and it meant a great deal to me. i wasn't alone in shouldering the physical burden of all things children related.

i get a feeling that your dh isn't pulling his weight in general, and here is yet another area where he could make a difference but is choosing (yet again?) not to. is that right?

have you had the conversation about vasectomies?