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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to get a vasectomy

507 replies

elderfloweriver · 03/07/2015 17:58

We have two, nearly three children, a mix of boys and girls (if that's relevant) and no3 was unplanned.

We hit a rocky stage in our marriage and I asked him to leave for a bit. He did so. Now we are back together but I have to admit I didn't want 3 DCs.

I won't use hormonal contraception and so now our family is complete I feel DH should look into having a vasectomy - I just CAN'T have four children!

But I can't work out whether this is reasonable and fair or controlling?

What do you think?

OP posts:
TwoTribes · 04/07/2015 00:04

You can't expect him to have the snip but you can tell him that you don't want any more piv sex because you don't want to risk pregnancy.

Alice1983 · 04/07/2015 00:04

What's wrong with this is the word EXPECT . You shouldn't expect anything from anyone; it causes arguments and disappointments when expectations are not met. This will make it harder for you to work with later on.

2LittleFishes · 04/07/2015 00:04

worrid there was no demanding or insisting though, just the request that vasectomy was considered for more than a second!

In an relationship where we have both decided we do not want anymore children, surely abortion should not be used as a method of contraception!? All other methods are not suitable/have previously failed?

Apparently the gp's in my surgery don't feel I currently meet the requirements for a referral to be sterilised as I am mid twenties and have only two children of the same sex....!?

if my marriage was to end, I have no doubt that I would be sterilised just hope we can survive long enough so the gp's are willing

Bambambini · 04/07/2015 00:21

Just tell him it's two condoms then or no penetrative sex. If he doesn't want to play no part in preventing a pregnancy then no penetrative sex.

hampsterdam · 04/07/2015 00:44

Yabu. I would never expect my dh to have an op with such high rates of complications; 10-15% risk of something going wrong is not an acceptable risk to me. What are the rates for sterilisation?

Can you not get a coil? We just use condoms, new 'real feel' ones are really good you can hardly feel them.

toomuchtooold · 04/07/2015 06:17

YANBU OP. Sure, his body, his choice, but after years of hormonal contraception, pregnancy and childbirth (not to mention in my case, 3 miscarriages and a round of IVF) if DH had not stepped up and offered to get a vasectomy I would have struggled to have any respect for him whatsoever.

IcecreamHavoc · 04/07/2015 06:28

OP, what do you mean by insurance policy? Your husband already having three children doesn't mean he wouldn't want more if he met someone else.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 06:33

It's so unpleasant to write things like 'the op already kicked him out once' - do you suppose I did so on a whim? - and the insinuation that therefore DH must hedge his bets, because you know, he might want new children with a woman who doesn't drag him kicking and screaming for surgery Hmm

Whoever asked by the way - I WON'T meet 'someone new.' I have my family.

I will not use a coil or hormonal contraception. It's condoms, vasectomy or no sex. DH can make his choice.

These comments about the risks I am forcing (Hmm) DH to go through - do you suppose two back to back pregnancies have been straightforward?

OP posts:
Sirzy · 04/07/2015 06:41

So basically you don't want more children but the responsibility for that is with your husband even if he doesn't feel the same?

Whatever the reasons from what you have posted your relationship isn't exactly secure at the moment so it is fully understandable that he is resistant from making a life long decision based upon just what you want.

Appleblossom82 · 04/07/2015 06:43

This reply has been deleted

This poster has privacy concerns, so we've agreed to remove this now.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 06:46

There's no basically about it sirzy.

Remind me again - have I not said I will get sterilised if I need to?

DH doesn't want more children but I don't want to be pregnant again. A subtle but important difference.

Do you really think it was easy to be pregnant with a child you didn't choose to have six months after giving birth? Do you think caring for two under 2s is easy? It won't be - I am dreading it and I hugely resent dc3 which is hardl fair.

DH doesn't carry them of give birth to them and this isn't his fault but does skew his view somewhat.

I am so very tired.

There is no basically. At all.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 04/07/2015 06:56

You also posted ill not use a coil or hormonal contraception. It's condoms, vasectomy or no sex. DH can make his choice

You have posted that you don't really want to be sterilised.

Seems to me this is very much about you, understandably you are thinking about you but you can't discount your husbands feelings for the sake of yours, it needs to be a joint decision.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 06:58

I'm not discounting his descisions sirzy but can you not appreciate I'm pregnant so being sterilised isn't practical for a few months at least

So for that period it's condoms vasectomy or no sex.

OP posts:
gordonpym · 04/07/2015 07:08

As your two first deliveries were back to back with all the risk and pain this involves, why not have a C-section now and have your tubes tied at the same time?

Teabagbeforemilk · 04/07/2015 07:24

It's vasectomy or no sex? You talk about it being a test.

You are very much attempting to force him into doing this even though you know he doesn't want to.

You don't want anymore kids ever, you need to do this.

All this 'my body has been through so much he should take one for the team' is absolutely ridiculous. It's a fact that only women can carrying children. It's the only way to have them. Sterilisation is not a male only operation both can have it. And the one that doesn't want more kids should get it done. Rather than trying and push the other person into doing, under some pretence that that person owes you or would if they loved you.

llammallamamissesmama · 04/07/2015 07:39

It sounds like it's 'tit for tat'.

You've carried, birthed and cared for 3 children and its been hell on your body. Now it's DH's turn.

OP, I feel for you but it's not reasonable to expect DH to do this if he isn't happy and willing.

Bovnydazzler · 04/07/2015 07:41

You advised your marriage is rocky. What do you think is the chance of a split? 20%, 50%. Anything greater than 2/3% I fully understand if he doesn't want to get a vasectomy.

He may well think he probably doesn't want more children, but if, worst case scenario, you split, he may we'll end up being with someone who does want kids which he ends up agreeing to to make his new family work.

From your posts you clearly take exception to the thought that if you split, he may have more children, however this is such a common occurrence and it's just not your decision to make. You talk of financial, environmental impact but that would be his decision to make with a (hypothetical) new partner.

If your marriage was strong and not rocky, I'd agree with some of your arguments on vasectomy vs sterilisation, but realistically, a rocky marriage does increase chance of divorce, and in this case permanent decisions shouldn't be made at this time if he's not 100% sure.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 07:44

It is very hurtful to be described in those terms as if I am nothing more than a breeding machine

OP posts:
Teabagbeforemilk · 04/07/2015 07:51

No one is saying you are a breeding machine or anything similar.

You no longer want anymore children. Dh isn't keen on having it done, so you need to. Unfortunately as women we have to carry children. That does not give is the right to tell anyone what they must do, or try and make them do it as a test.

As I said before, do you know that some vasectomys do heal? The doctor warned us about everything including this and the potential for complications. It's not 100% gaurentee to be 100% effective forever.

itsonlysubterfuge · 04/07/2015 07:52

I know someone who had a vasectomy that went wrong. He was in horrible pain for months and months. He was basically bed bound.

I think he should be able to choose for himself. If it's something you really want, then I think you should consider getting it done yourself. Have a reasonable conversation about it.

googoodolly · 04/07/2015 07:53

Nobody is saying you're a breeding machine Hmm

They're saying that if YOU don't want children, it's your responsibility to prevent that. You cannot make another adult have surgery. You also seem very fixed on the idea that he shouldn't want children with anyone else should your relationship break down. Of course, if you don't want children with another man, that's your right, but your DH may well decide that, if you break up, he wants to get married again and have more children, and that is his right.

peggyundercrackers · 04/07/2015 08:05

you don't seem to be prepared to take most peoples advice and keep making out because you have carried and had children that somehow makes it reasonable you expect him to have a medical procedure. if you didn't want DC3 then you should have took precautions - its not your DHs fault your pregnant - you are responsible for your precautions - no one else.

Mrsjayy · 04/07/2015 08:12

I have not read the thread yet (I will) but I think yabu a tiny bit you cant coerse him into having it done its his body I would get sterilised instead your husband would just need to look after the children till you recovered of course it is his responsibility too but I think he has to be on the same page as you.

Mrsjayy · 04/07/2015 08:18

I was sterrilised decades ago my body couldnt cope with another pregnancy I felt it was safer to get it done for my piece of mind that whatever happened I wouldnt get pregnant again never entered my head to ask my husband to have a vasectomy

Icimoi · 04/07/2015 08:22

Can you not appreciate I'm pregnant so being sterilised isn't practical for a few months at least. So for that period it's condoms vasectomy or no sex.

Why? Obviously while you're pregnant there isn't a problem with contraception, and there is no reason whatsoever why you couldn't be sterilised either at the time you give birth or very shortly afterwards.