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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to get a vasectomy

507 replies

elderfloweriver · 03/07/2015 17:58

We have two, nearly three children, a mix of boys and girls (if that's relevant) and no3 was unplanned.

We hit a rocky stage in our marriage and I asked him to leave for a bit. He did so. Now we are back together but I have to admit I didn't want 3 DCs.

I won't use hormonal contraception and so now our family is complete I feel DH should look into having a vasectomy - I just CAN'T have four children!

But I can't work out whether this is reasonable and fair or controlling?

What do you think?

OP posts:
hampsterdam · 04/07/2015 16:01

Very brave to admit you don't won't your kids. I'm abit shocked by that to be honest.
Agree with Peruvian. Everything she said.
Those poor kids will be affected no matter what.

OurDearLeader · 04/07/2015 16:03

The affair is relevant. Because vasectomies or sterilisations are normally done in a position of trust where couples are certain they will stay together and that they will not have more children as a couple (or one is certain that they will never want any children ever under any circumstances). Because you had an affair you have eroded that trust to the point where he cannot take it on trust that you will stay together.

I also wonder about how you really see the future as you seem absolutely certain that you would never go anywhere near another man but you don't discount women. Is there part of you that thinks you're gay? That must be in the back of your DH's mind too and make him feel it makes it more likely you'll kick him out.

I also wonder about your motivation as you seem to be extremely distressed about the prospect that he may have more children if you do split. I suspect it has less to do with contraception and more to do with the fact that you want to control that aspect of his life if you do split.

I have a friend who had similar done to him by his 'D' P. They had four kids and she threw him out a fortnight after his vasectomy. She's admitted when pissed a few times that she knew she was going to dump him before the op but wanted to make sure he didn't have another family.

It's quite a bleak life for him, he doesn't have the kids as much as he'd like and frequently relationships break down in the early stages because his girlfriends don't want to be childless. He finds it hard to accept he won't be a full time Dad again and it's a source of great sadness to him.

I think he's right not to take the risk seeing as you've cheated and seem to have doubts about your sexuality. In the circumstances I think it's perfectly reasonable for him to consider that you may well not want him in the future and he may want to start another family.

DamnBamboo · 04/07/2015 16:05

I've thought about this Worra and my answer is: because it's a much bigger operation, because I've given birth three times and most key because it would render me useless for a few weeks and the children rely on me more than DH

This is simply not true. It's a short procedure, same length of time in hospital as a vasectomy (half a day). Back to sorts within two days. I gave 4 kids btw.
On this basis alone YABVU.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 16:10

This is what I mean about rewriting history.

I have considered walking out FoodLover, as I do at times feel it's all too much but I have to live life being comfortable with who is in the mirror and I can't do that if I leave.

Hamster, you say it's 'brave' then that you're 'a bit shocked'. Sorry but that's a bit of juxtaposition going on. And that's precisely why the 'poor kids' would be better not existing at all, but they do.

Yes, my affair, where I didn't sleep with anyone by the way, was wrong, but I don't feel it is relevant. I'm upset by the 'well he may want a new family' because it seems to put myself and the children in the sort of position of unwanted Christmas presents. Makes me feel somehow less than quite human.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 04/07/2015 16:13

OP why did you post in aibu if you aren't prepared to be told YABU hmm

She was prepared to be told she was BU she conceded that point very very early in the thread.

She shouldn't have had to be prepared for some of the bloody rude comments she's had the importing of other threads nor should she have to be prepared to be told it's totally ok to expect her to make the sole effort for contraception in a exclusive relationship when both parties don't want kids.

She shouldn't have had to be prepared for being called a drama queen or a bully or it being suggested that she was bullying just by wanting her Husband to have one.

Requesting a partner takes responsibility for contraception is not and will never be unreasonable, wanting them to is also not unreasonable forcing them to is very UR

Saying you will not engage in sex unless they do is also not unreasonable. Fucks sake we actively encourage taking responsibility for grown ups

I'm not entirely sure saying if you can't look after the kids you already have then I will be cross if you risk me having any more is unreasonable both parties having sex are responsible for the outcome.

To me op it sounds like after this baby you will be frightened that temp contraception won't work that's understandable in your shoes knowing the issues I have with coils and hormone contraception I would get sterilised but I would think less of someone who professed to love me watched me go through pregnancy related trauma and other medical issues and didn't take that load off my back perticularly if they had not shared any of the load previously and were irresponsible about condoms

PeruvianFoodLover · 04/07/2015 16:13

She's admitted when pissed a few times that she knew she was going to dump him before the op but wanted to make sure he didn't have another family.

My DPs ex has admitted the same; she refused to take hormonal contraception so he had the snip - only to find out soon after that she was having an affair and on the pill.
While we probably wouldn't have had our own joint DCs, it was none-the-less painful to hear that she effectively made that decision for DP several years before we met.

PeruvianFoodLover · 04/07/2015 16:17

OP if you and your DH split and he subsequently decides he wants more DCs, that's no reflection on you or your current DCs - I'm not sure why you'd think that!

You have 2 DCs. Do you feel that your first DC is 'an unwanted Xmas present' because you went on to have a second? And, by choosing to continue with your current pregnancy, does that devalue your second child?

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 16:18

Thank you sock.

Thank you Flowers

What and where have I said or implied I want to cause DH any hurt or harm?

But - 'oh well, your marriage might break down so he might want another one' is horrible to hear. It makes me feel like faulty goods.

OP posts:
Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 16:19

It's not the same thing FoodLover; it's a package deal of sorts isn't it?

If he genuinely thinks one day he will want to start over - I'm not sure why he's even here!

OP posts:
PeruvianFoodLover · 04/07/2015 16:20

elder why should his desire to have, or not have, further DCs match yours?
Why shouldn't he want 5 or 6 DCs?

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 16:22

Then he can have them! But not with me!

But he is with me.

I've explained how it makes me feel - maybe it's irrational but if I can't be a bit irrational when eight months pregnant I don't know when I can. Smile

OP posts:
PeruvianFoodLover · 04/07/2015 16:22

He may be willing to accept that YOU don't want anymore; but in the event that your marriage breaks down, why shouldn't he be able to pursue his own desire for a bigger family than you wanted?

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 16:23

Ok FoodLover except that isnt why he doesn't want it.

I said ages ago I would be getting sterilised.

OP posts:
SkodaLabia · 04/07/2015 16:31

This thread has taken many a turn, but, posting as someone who had PND and a horrific third degree tear resulting in painful sex that will probably never get better, I would absolutely expect my DP to be sterilised if one of us was going to be. I've done my bit.

OP, I've read your other thread, and I mean this kindly, but do you think you may have antenatal depression? I'm not patronising you, if you think your life is shit at the moment then that's what you feel, but it strikes me there's something a bit wild in your thinking at the moment. I'd say have the baby, start the job, get some identity back that's not wrapped up in being a mother, and then think about what you want.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 16:32

I think I might, yes. I've found this pregnancy horrendous difficult. Hopefully not long to go now - she is due at the end of the month.

OP posts:
Icimoi · 04/07/2015 16:34

nor should she have to be prepared to be told it's totally ok to expect her to make the sole effort for contraception in a exclusive relationship when both parties don't want kids.

No-one has said that. Indeed, we don't now what effort OP's husband is prepared to make in relation to contraception. But, yet again, the plain fact is that he gets to make the decisions about surgery on his body.

Teabagbeforemilk · 04/07/2015 16:37

Yet again posters know she has said she is bu over getting the snip.

The conversation has moved on because the OP says she won't be doing, but is still trying to convince people her position is the right one.

Op, you need more therapy. Your kids (like you did) will pick up on your feelings towards them. Fwiw I don't think you are the bad guy in the marriage. I think you and your dh have huge problems. That neither of you want o make any head way to fix at the moment and this issue is you trying to maintain control over your life.

It sounds like you are in a unhappy marriage and think when you can't have kids anymore it will take the pressure off. But it won't.

MrsV2012 · 04/07/2015 16:38

*elderfloweriver Sat 04-Jul-15 15:31:12
I don't want the children.

It's not them personally; they are quite nice. But if I didn't have them I would be able to start over - as it is I can't.*

Taking that into consideration, after DC1 was born and then DC2!! did nfp as contraception really seem like a sensible choice to you? If you definitely didn't want a 3rd DC, why settle for a method that is only 75-90% reliable when followed correctly.

I don't despise DH I do despise some of his behaviour (that's a very teacher thing to say!) But I don't despise him; I love him

I don't know what to say. The Vasectomy is the tip of the iceberg really isn't it Confused

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 16:40

Actually DC2 was planned.

DC3 was a mistake; a big one.

What do you mean 'the OP is still trying to convince people her position is the right one' - I have said pages and pages ago I will be sterilised!

People could have said 'ok op good luck with the baby' - but no. I'm controlling and all the rest of it; I defend myself and I'm a drama llama?

I don't know what to say either.

OP posts:
Teabagbeforemilk · 04/07/2015 16:42

Op by your position I mean when you said things like 'don't people understand that I would feel better if he offered' and made it clear that it's not about the operation. Your position is that if he loved you, he would take one for the team.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 16:45

I don't doubt he loves me tea. In his own way.

But I don't feel he understands very well how horrible having two back to back pregnancies is. And I am scared of having another.

If he acknowledged that it would be a start :) doesn't mean I'm going to march him down to the clinic.

OP posts:
PeruvianFoodLover · 04/07/2015 16:53

People could have said 'ok op good luck with the baby' - but no. I'm controlling and all the rest of it; I defend myself and I'm a drama llama?

It's a conversation! In the process of saying you wouldn't ask your DH, you've also said that you feel that your marriage was a mistake and wish you could wipe the slate clean, and have also expressed your unhappiness at the thought of your DH having more DCs if your marriage fas.
It is those things - particularly the latter- that are being commented on.

A lot of posts have said the same thing - irrespective of your current contraceptive choices, it would not be wrong for your DH to have further DCs if your marriage broke up. Your insistence that it would be implies you want to control his decision making even if you are no longer in a relationship with him.

WayneRooneysHair · 04/07/2015 16:53

Èlder, I'm sorry if this has been asked and answered already but did you actually want children?

MrsV2012 · 04/07/2015 16:54

I have a friend who had similar done to him by his 'D' P. They had four kids and she threw him out a fortnight after his vasectomy. She's admitted when pissed a few times that she knew she was going to dump him before the op but wanted to make sure he didn't have another family.

Me too ourdearleader.

Me and DP and know a couple, she insisted he have the snip, as she couldn't cope with any more babies, was gaining weight from the Pill, allergic to condoms, so he would have to get the snip. He agreed, and a month later she threw him out, saying she'd known it was over for a long time. However, the thought of him having babies with someone else, and her DCs having siblings that weren't her biological children turned her stomach, so had to have an 'insurance policy' before they split up Shock

Things like that must make a man think twice

Teabagbeforemilk · 04/07/2015 16:56

I get that.....so you think it proves something to you. That's your position.

You aren't going to force him, but deep down you want him to do it for you or at least offer.

That's what I mean about your position. I am just trying (hopefully) to help you see, asking a question when you only want one answer (and have a lot rising on it, emotionally) isn't going to help you, him, you marriage or your kids.

Either way one of you will end up resentful and its not a nice place to be in