To expect DH to get a vasectomy

[elderfloweriver]

We have two, nearly three children, a mix of boys and girls (if that's relevant) and no3 was unplanned.

We hit a rocky stage in our marriage and I asked him to leave for a bit. He did so. Now we are back together but I have to admit I didn't want 3 DCs.

I won't use hormonal contraception and so now our family is complete I feel DH should look into having a vasectomy - I just CAN'T have four children!

But I can't work out whether this is reasonable and fair or controlling?

What do you think?

OP, if you are the person I think you are, I agree with purple hair. I actually wonder if you are so bored with your life that you create drama?

Btw I'm puzzled to hear you've been using natural family planning all this time. Why not try an actual, er, method? And also, am I right that you and your partner are quite young?

I do think generally a man should consider having a vas after three kids if that's going to help his partner. But if you are in your twenties and your relationship is this bad, then no.

You need to sit down and sort out the best path for yourself and your family.

But that's the crux of the problem isn't it?

When you feel so tired and down, you can't make decisions. Like another thread I'm reading about working time hours, when I was working crazy 100 hour weeks, my work quality went to shit and I lost the ability to prioritise and make decisions.

I know you're heavily pregnant and stressed, my advice would be to shelve everything until you've had the baby and recovered. Everything including big stressful decisions re a new job, your marriage etc (well actually I think you should leave your DH tomorrow really but there you go).

Have the baby, recover, and during this time get some good effective counselling for yourself, not with your DH, and get the physical strength and mental strength to then make the big decisions.

You're just running around like a chicken with its head cut off. My advice would be, stop it, chill the fuck out as much as you can, concentrate on your two ( nearly three) lovely kids/animals/house, realise what the positives actually are in your life and then later on, with some strength and perspective, you can address the negatives.

Thanks purple. Will do so.

DH is nearly 40 and I left my twenties behind three and a half years ago.

Unfortunately.

I don't think it's 'drama' to ask my DH to have a vasectomy.

I know you do not want to hear about new relationship, future children but these are exactly the conversations I did have with DP when we spoke about vasectomy. I was the one who persuaded DP to wait till an age that if he had other children they would still be dependants at retirement age. I do think that until your relationship is strong enough again to have these open discussions a conversation about a vasectomy is going to be very difficult. You need to focus on the present and you both need to create a partnership that you are both comfortable in.

It's not drama to ask your DH to have a vasectomy, in fact it's perfectly reasonable in my view. You are just asking after all. I thought you were much younger than that because of some of your other posts.

Purple Hair is spot on with her advice. Good luck.

PS by "drama" I meant posting about being a terrible person, posting about thinking your DH stalks you here etc.

Yes, that post in relationships, which people have brought on here.

I didn't create the 'drama' (which is actually upset and grief and guilt) but am being blamed for it anyway.

And FWIW, I do actually get what you're saying about the snip.

We have lots of (loved, planned and wanted) DC and we wanted more, but then I developed serious health problems and DH thought it best we didn't have more. He went for the snip, which at the time I didn't want him to do but respected his right to control his own fertility.

as it turns out, he made the right decision, but what counts for me looking back, is that by actually making the decision, he put my best long term interests first and I know it was a pro active choice he made out of a desire to put me first. At the time it was hard but now I admire him for having the strength and (dare I say bollocks to step up and just take control.

So I hear where you're coming from about wanting him to do this, but goodness, do you have to make a big drama about it now. You can't get pregnant again whilst you're pregnant, and then you will have recovery time and possibly it won't even be an issue by then if you separate.

You're causing completely unnecessary angst by making it a huge flashpoint now. Pick your battles, and the time of your battles.

I am not sure who you are or your other threads.

But if what pps say. You really do need some counselling. At the moment, you can't get pg again. And you are attaching so much importance to this that it's upsetting you those much. Even though you said you would get sterilised of he offered to get the snip.

It's not the asking him to do it or even you wanting him to do it. It's all the extra bits you are adding on, in your head. The 'if he loved me he would'

Pp is right life is happening to you and you are loving as though you have no control over any of it

Cross post. By "drama" I mean you don't have to have loads of soul searching and disagreements necissitating MN threads for advice right now. And your posts and threads are very drama llama, it's not just me saying it!

I will stop now

Honestly purple I'm not making a big drama out of it.

DH can be so very critical of me and while I'm not making excuses that was largely what led to the e/a a few years back.

ANYTHING I said - 'I need a new bra; I'm not looking forward to sorting that garden; gosh, it's hot!' led to scoldings about profligate money spending or laziness or whatever and it got to the stage where I just completely shut down and I do know the meaning of being hung for a sheep as well as a lamb - it was very 'well I can't fucking win whatever I do!' I just end up either thinking 'sod it/him' as standards are too high or feeling like a horrible person.

I've also experienced a lot of grief and loss which clouds my judgement to an extent.

In his nicer moments he acknowledges this and we have moments of real understanding between the two of us.

But other times it's like living with a dementor! I feel like asking him to consider it isn't dramatic and I think in fairness most of the drama has come from other people gleefully announcing my affair. Although I should not have sworn.

Butterfly I have got what you're trying to do.

Purple I do like you and I do know you're being kind but I'm not deliberately or intentionally looking for drama.

Just kindness.

Maybe with a bit of time and some useful counselling to give you perspective, perhaps you might see that if you did actually get kindness from the one person who should be giving it to you (your DH) you wouldn't need to try and elicit it from MNers. Who aren't renowned for kindness , straight talking and useful advice perhaps, but not kindness.

And I do genuinely mean that in a hair strokey, shoulder patting kind of way.

Elderflower, not trying to do anything. Still relatively new here and actually haven't seen the threads other posters refer to, other than ones where I've replied to you.

It's a weird thing to generalise about but I do know what you and other posters mean about a partner having a vas showing love and showing that they put their partner first. A mother's body does go through a lot unless you're very lucky.

You say you don't have people to offload to in real life. Is it worth joining local MN?

If your marriage is that bad, he knows it too. Which is why he doesn't want it. Yet neither of you are doing anything to make it better. Better could be splitting up.

The drama doesn't come from asking the question. It comes froms from attaching so much importance to one particular answer, that when you don't get that answer you end up like you are feeling at the moment.

I conceded I was BU on page 1 giraffe.

Your post might be less rude if it was more relevant.

I'm stuck with it unfortunately purple!

MNetters can be kind.

Sometimes.

Sort of.

Occasionally!

It's worth it. I do come away from threads having 'learned something' - it's when history is rewritten I get enraged cross and try to defend myself.

How has history been rewritten?

By people deciding I cheated on DH by sleeping with a man, by people saying I was bullying him. Those sorts of things.

Ah ok. Well in fairness I think that was an understandable error given that you are in a heterosexual relationship currently and said that you cheated.

As for the other stuff, it's not too far away from what you wrote on your other thread. But you don't seem to want to go there today.

I reiterate my advice to pull together all the threads you've started under all the various names to try and get some insight into the rather bewildering glimpses into your life that you have presented here on MN. Seeing the wood from the trees, as it were, instead of getting bogged down in the slanging of yet another thread. It's all extremely disconnected and it seems like you could do with a more integrated approach. As other posters have said, counselling (or psychotherapy would possibly be better) seems like it would help you a lot to get some perspective.

I was in a very low spot when I posted they thread George and I just didn't expect info on it to become a stick to beat me with (I know you didn't.)

I have been with DH since I was 18 so it's not unfeasible I could have meant I snogged someone at university or something :) but someone using it to say 'well you might split and get with someone else and want their children' -hmm, no! :)

Unfortunately the two threads have been merged.

I have had counselling and I do have some not much but some intelligence and common sense and my conclusion is:

I have been brought up believing that I'm a bit useless - believe me both parents although more my mum instilled this fact into me before I left primary school - and while in their own way they really loved me I don't think they liked me much. They died/left anyway. Meeting DH then wasn't a surprise being told I was silly/annoying/whatever.

A typical conversation with DH can go - 'oh, I went to a picnic with toddler group today' and he can turn it into something unpleasant - did I eat too much, wasn't it too hot for DD, I hope you didn't do something stupid. Or he can say 'oh, that's nice.'

I'm used to it and it doesn't bother me nine times out of ten but I think no matter how old you get - being blamed for stuff you DIDN'T do, grates! And I DIDN'T 'force' DH into getting a vasectomy. I just asked him to think about it and privately felt he should.

Tis tricky.

I always appreciate the advice. I generally get a kicking as well but it's AIBU!

OP, I think you have much bigger issues here than the vasectomy. You mentioned in a previous post that you'd be happy to just be alone, not alone with your DC but alone. You don't really talk about your DC very nicely, it sounds like you don't want them. Maybe I'm assuming wrong here but that is the impression you're giving off - that you'd be happy just strolling off into the sunset by yourself.

You also say you never want to be with another man again. Why are you even staying with your husband? Clearly you don't want to be with him, you actually seem to despise him. You also had an emotional affair with a woman. It sounds like you'd be happier leaving him, falling in love with a woman and then raising your 3 DC together.

I really really think you need counselling. You're steam rolling towards PND once the baby is born and you sound like you may have pre-natal depression at the moment. And you know, you need to take some responsibility too for your current pregnancy. Assuming your husband didn't force you to have sex with him (or did he?) then you are equally as responsible as he is. Saying things like "he doesn't think in the heat of the moment" etc - well you clearly weren't thinking either in "the heat of the moment". It takes 2 to make a baby after all. There's no point blaming him for your DC3, you both created the baby.

I don't want the children.

It's not them personally; they are quite nice. But if I didn't have them I would be able to start over - as it is I can't.

I don't despise DH I do despise some of his behaviour (that's a very teacher thing to say!) But I don't despise him; I love him.

OP, life is not happening to you - you are an active participant and can influence what happens every step of the way.

There's nothing stopping you starting over - lots of people do it every day.
You can walk away from your DH, with your DCs, or leave your DCs with their dad and begin life again without them.

Yes, it will be hard and of course, there will be long term consequences for the DCs, but they will be affected no matter what you choose to do - be that leave, stay (and resent their dad and maybe them?), or work to create a happier marriage.
No one is forcing you to remain a wife and mother; that's a choice you are making.