To expect DH to get a vasectomy

[elderfloweriver]

We have two, nearly three children, a mix of boys and girls (if that's relevant) and no3 was unplanned.

We hit a rocky stage in our marriage and I asked him to leave for a bit. He did so. Now we are back together but I have to admit I didn't want 3 DCs.

I won't use hormonal contraception and so now our family is complete I feel DH should look into having a vasectomy - I just CAN'T have four children!

But I can't work out whether this is reasonable and fair or controlling?

What do you think?

And FoodLover, I love(d) that man with every heart of my being, I felt at times my love for him would move the ocean and I would do anything within my power to make him happy, but it wasn't enough.

I fell for a woman, which surprised even me, some four years ago now in the midst of bereavement and turmoil and shame and guilt. I've never forgiven myself for it but it has nothing to do with this matter. Lovely of someone to bring it up though and make me revisit that.

I don't disagree with that winter, at all.

If you really feel that your dh sees you and women in general as 'livestock' why are you with him at all?

In fairness, you brought the cheating up yourself on your other thread.

I haven't advanced searched you, by the way. You have a very distinctive style, many of your threads have stood out and I have a good memory, that's all.

I also remember that you have a habit of lashing out nastily at posters who are trying to help you. I posted supportively on your last few threads, but heigh ho. Par for the course with you, it seems.

I wasn't lashing out George - not at you anyway? I am honestly just confused as to what your motive is /was but it looks like you've answered that one!

I think it's wrong for us to have more than three DCs given our ages and given our situations.

But your situation isn't fixed, is it? Your situation is currently quite unstable - you've had an affair, you have split and reunited.
You have no way of knowing what your situation will be in a few years time and whether you, or he, would be better placed to have further children.

It would be very foolish for anyone to make a decision to remove such significant options in the future during such a period of uncertainty in your own lives.

Does your DH know you have been unfaithful?

Yes, he does, and reminds me of it frequently. But I will not be asking him to have a vasectomy. I did say I would be sterilised.

Yes, as I said I was trying to help you.

Lashing out makes you feel temporarily better, it's clear. But it's also clear that you are a deeply unhappy person, behaving badly, in a deeply unhappy marriage. I feel sorry for you, and for your children - and I mean that genuinely, not snidely.

In your heart of hearts op, do you think your marriage is likely to survive? Can you see yourself being happy even if you both stick with it!

OP, you still fixate on the belief that the only reason people say you are wrong to expect this is that DH might, if the relationship broke up, want other children. Why do you keep blocking out the simple point that the main reason people are giving is that it's his body and his decision?

George I have lashed out on this thread once which I have apologised for - well for the swearing anyway! - not for telling the poster they didn't have a clue.

I have no idea which previous threads you are thinking of. If you would like to tell me which ones or which posts in particular then I will apologise again and if relevant get Mumsnet to remove them, but making vague references to my lashing out in the past - I just don't know when or where. So I can't say what or why which isn't fair as I'm obviously then at a disadvantage when I'm trying to defend myself.

I've conceded, both on here, and on my other thread that I am a shit of a person and I do agree with that - that's why I started a thread, I do feel though that to take the info from that thread over here is so mean. My thread in relationships and obviously I know anyone can read it but it's kind of like bringing something embarrassing up at the dinner table - not really on.

Best thing to do is leave it.

She did agree with winter ici although I first read it as disagreeing. So she has acknowledged that it is his body, his choice.

Ici, I'm not. I conceded on the first page that fair enough I'd get sterilised - it's just other people have put their own interpretations on stuff and I've defended that. I haven't at any point said in going to force him into getting sterilised! I mean - how, apart from anything else?

Grape juice it will survive.

If you really think it will survive then I think it only fair that he takes his turn now, but obviously if he is really against it then that's his choice.

But yanbu for wanting him to do his bit.

But, OP, your recent posts all concentrate on the issue of the possibility of your DH wanting more children if the marriage broke up, as if that were the only reason PP are giving for disagreeing with you.

And where on earth did I ever suggest that I thought you wanted to force him into getting sterilised?

No ici it's because that makes me feel so horrible. Like I am just a thing, well that one doesn't work, I'll try another.

Being upset by it doesn't mean I'm going to drag DH to a clinic.

Anyway it's a moot (is that the right word?) point; he doesn't want one, he won't have one - it's up to him.

OP I do think that it is naive to believe that the state of a marriage, including the fact that one party has acted on feelings they had for someone else and that the other hasn't moved past that, has no relevance to the decisions that couple make about contraception.

Your marriage is rocky - you are trying to fix it.

You have indicated that you would feel more favourable towards your DH if he took the initiative and decided to be sterilised. His willingness to experience discomfort and pain is seen by you as recompense for the discomfort and pain of pregnancy and childbirth that you have experienced.

The permanent impact of the "act of commitment" you feel is necessary to "save" your marriage is huge. Yes, your pregnancies has resulted in permanent changes to your body - but (I assume) you did not become pregnant in order to prove to your DH that you were committed to him?

Can I please just mention the 'affair' was purely emotional.

No sex took place or similar.

Elderflower River Today 09:37

Abort. Without hesitation and without question. That's what the op will do and what she should have done before.

But you are the OP. Why are you replying as though you are someone else? Did you forget to change your screen name?

I smell socks...

I think she was responding in the third person. If you suspect, report, don't troll hunt on threads

I think OP was just talking about herself in the 3rd person there Aermingers - that post was by OP if you look at the name (it really helps when you have OP and your posts set to be highlighted)...

You asked if it was controlling to feel that your DH should have a vasectomy. Posters have largely said that yes, it is controlling to think he should. When you ask a question like that you haven't a leg to stand on if you don't like the replies.

It's not controlling for you to abstain from sex if you don't feel happy about the contraception. You also shouldn't feel controlled or pressurised into using any form of contraception that you don't want to use.

I get where you're coming from actually. It's not black and white. But at the end of the day his body is his own in the same way that he'd have to put up with it if you had an abortion.

Although I understand what you're feeling and would probably share some of those feelings, this is one occasion when my head would have to kick in. Regardless of how much his vasectomy would mean to you, it's unreasonable to connect his having it with showing love to you. (As it would be unreasonable for a man to say 'if you love me you will carry a child for me'). This seems especially the case given that he's been asked to leave the family home not that long ago. You may know the relationship is permanent now but deep down he could be forgiven for thinking it's ended once so it could end again. That has nothing to do with possibly wanting more children. It's just about not wanting to make a permanent decision when the relationship could, going on the evidence, be temporary.

I was speaking about myself in third person, not sock puppeting.

Op your threads exhaust me, is this what your RL is like?

Incessant drama and problems necessitating much navel gazing and self flagellation. I have a relative very much like you, it's draining and exhausting. Every single aspect of life that happens normally and to other people (job choices, family, relationships everything gets made into a big dramatic saga).

You really need to work out what YOU want from life (not what Mners think of every single thought and decision) make some of your own decisions and start properly living your life to make yourself happy (no doubt you will respond with a list of reasons as to why this isn't possible).

And you are still very recognisable, is your DH still stalkingfollowing you around MN reading your posts?

I don't mean to be harsh for no reason but you post so many threads, a lot with a different slant on things depending how you feel that particular day. Your attitude to your DH alters from thread to thread, from being being an abusive bastard to being a long suffering person whose life you are making a misery. You don't actually mention your DC all that often, it's all a lot of introspection over your marriage and lifestyle.

I genuinely mean this kindly, and I have tried to be supportive along with a lot of posters, but the decisions you have to make are just run of the mill stuff that everyone has to deal with in life. Sometimes you just have to grow up, start making decisions and get on with it. Maybe you should try and see how lucky you are compared to a lot of people who don't have half the choices and privilege you have.

I do really mean this in a kindly way, I'm not just sticking the boot in. Can't you try and think positively and take positive, decisive action? Your life is happening to you, no one else.

Yeah you are probably right purple.

Problem is I'm a little bit limited in who I can talk to even about run of the mill stuff and here for instance something I said on another thread has been brought on here and twisted out of its original context.

And I've acknowledged I probably am being a bit self pitying but to be honest - I feel it! I feel worn down and exhausted and just weary of it all.