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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to get a vasectomy

507 replies

elderfloweriver · 03/07/2015 17:58

We have two, nearly three children, a mix of boys and girls (if that's relevant) and no3 was unplanned.

We hit a rocky stage in our marriage and I asked him to leave for a bit. He did so. Now we are back together but I have to admit I didn't want 3 DCs.

I won't use hormonal contraception and so now our family is complete I feel DH should look into having a vasectomy - I just CAN'T have four children!

But I can't work out whether this is reasonable and fair or controlling?

What do you think?

OP posts:
Pugthug · 04/07/2015 10:49

Please feel free to re-read my post Mrs I'm quite sure you will find that is not what I said.Hmm

GeorgeYeatsAutomaticWriter · 04/07/2015 10:54

Gosh OP. You started a thread a couple of days ago saying what a horrible person you were and how awfully you had behaved to your DH, manipulating and lying to him, amongst other things. Now this? Isn't this more of the same?

I think you should look back at all the threads you've started, under all the various names, and try to sort out what YOU actually want and stick to it.

It must be exhausting.

Teabagbeforemilk · 04/07/2015 10:58

OP the problem is you have made this issue into a representation of your marriage.

If he offers you know he loves you. I understand why you have done it. But it isn't fair. Its not how I would view this if dh asked me.

You want him to want to do it, to prove something to you. If he gets this done, it does not mean he loves you more or he is going to be a great husband.

You can not ask someone to become infertile to prove something to you.

If the marriage is bad, this is not the way to fix it. It will not be all ok if he gets the snip. If anything your stance on this issue will make your problems worse.

MrsDeVere · 04/07/2015 11:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

grapejuicerocks · 04/07/2015 11:01

I don't think yabu at all.

Marriage is a partnership. You've done your bit and it's not unreasonable to expect him to do his bit. You dont want to risk condoms which is understandable. So it's his choice no sex or a vasectomy. That's not blackmail. It's just realistic.

The only thing is, you don't seem very happy - talking about never having another man etc. Do you think your marriage will really survive? If there is doubt, then it's not very fair to take away his options in a future where you don't feature. I understand that 3 should be enough, but what if a future partner is childless and desperate for a baby? How would you feel if you could never have your dc's? It wouldn't be her fault that your dh is a knob - if he is.

I think you have to be fair to him too. If your marriage was rock solid then I'd say you should be really upset if he refused as it shows a lack of consideration for you. I can understand his refusal if the future is more uncertain. That isn't then a reflection on you - it's self preservation.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 11:05

George, I can't work out what you want from me. Why do you, whenever I post a thread, comment and - I don't know - leave? - and just make some vague remark; I don't even know what I mean! But I'm asking genuinely.

Yes, I am a shit person but that's not what the thread is

OP posts:
Pugthug · 04/07/2015 11:06

You are putting your thoughts in to my head mrs I'm sorry you are wrong again.

maddening · 04/07/2015 11:09

I think that condoms /vasectomy/no sex is a fair choice for Dh - i think sterilisation has a far bigger impact on a woman's future health beyond the fact that the surgery required is more than a vasectomy and the healing time harder and longer than a vasectomy- the decline post menopause of women show that imo - and I think hormonal contraception also carries too many health risks (notwithstanding where hormonal contraception is used to treat some conditions) and to some women it is dreadful (being one of those women -my body does not do well on it).

Condoms is a fair option for both parties and if he doesn't like that then there are two more without the need to potentially sacrifice the op's health

MrsDeVere · 04/07/2015 11:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Icimoi · 04/07/2015 11:10

Mrs DV, that really is a misrepresentation of what Pugthug said, and I suspect you know it. She simply pointed out that it is not necessarily cold and clinical to want to have more children if you have lost a child or children. Of course, not everyone wants to do it, but if you do want to do so that doesn't make you cold.

Pugthug · 04/07/2015 11:12

To suggest to someone to loose their fertility because you are done is quite cruel.

It's like living with a Oriental dictator.

MrsDeVere · 04/07/2015 11:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Icimoi · 04/07/2015 11:13

OP, I'm a bit puzzled that you so firmly discount the possibility that you might have a relationship with another man if your marriage broke up, and that you would therefore need that man to have a vasectomy. You have said on another thread that you have cheated on your husband and slept with another man.

MrsDeVere · 04/07/2015 11:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pugthug · 04/07/2015 11:16

I'm sorry mrs it was not my intention to offend anyone I was just trying to get across that people do have these thoughts when contemplating sterilisation.

WayneRooneysHair · 04/07/2015 11:17

Based on your post history I'd probably advise your husband to leave OP and no way should he get a vasectomy. You sound very unhappy but it's not fair to pressure your husband into getting a vasectomy, you need to figure out why you are unhappy.

Topseyt · 04/07/2015 11:19

My DH had a vasectomy after I had our third baby. His choice, though we both knew we wanted no more children.

He certainly isn't cold and clinical.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 11:19

I said I cheated on my husband; I didn't mention it being with a man - because it wasn't.

Pug, I interpreted your comment the same way MrsDeVere did.

OP posts:
Pugthug · 04/07/2015 11:20

No mrs I can say to my DH look I don't think I want any more children I'm going to get sterilised. I can't say to DH look I'm done with this kids malarky off you go now and have the snip. To even suggest this to DH is a complete disgrace.

grapejuicerocks · 04/07/2015 11:24

Tbf Mrsd, it's one reason why I never wanted dh to have the snip. I loved him enough not to want options taken away from him if anything happened to me, and when I was younger it crossed my mind about anything happening to our kids too. I know that you can't replace kids. But I didn't want options being taken away - any options full stop.

It's not unfeeling to have those thoughts, although probably a bit unfeeling to put it so bluntly. Sorry for your loss Thanks but it probably is part of the thought process for some of us, obviously not the only reason for most.

PeruvianFoodLover · 04/07/2015 11:27

OP did you know your own mind when you married your DH? You know, when you made promises to be faithful for life?

Things change.

And, you've inadvertently insulted anyone who has chosen to have more than three DCs. just because that is your choice, does not mean it is wrong for other people, including your DH, to feel differently.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 11:30

Other people have every right to make that decision and I don't have an issue with that and I am happy to concede that it is UR to insist DH has a vasectomy.

What I am objecting to and getting upset by is that to want him to have one is controlling, emotionally blackmailing, bullying. It isn't. That's such a misrepresentation of our relationship and I hope to Christ DH never sees this thread as he would just LOVE it! Poor, poor DH having to live with nasty wife who threw him out and now doesn't want any more babies - oh but he might so best keep options open in case something happens to the first broodmare woman, eh? Sod the three who exist; they don't matter - all that matters is DHs God given right to sow his seed and impregnate livestock women.

And now I see the advanced search option is being used along with the embellishments - op cheated so she must want another MAN in future right? Hmm

I've never slept with another man in my life.

OP posts:
Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 11:31

I think it's wrong for us to have more than three DCs given our ages and given our situations. That isn't a judgement on what other people do.

OP posts:
WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 04/07/2015 11:32

But the real point is...none of this matters. Maybe he has a good reason, maybe he doesn't. Maybe he's an utter prick, maybe he's not. Maybe it would an expression of his love and commitment to offer OP he gets it done, maybe he does want to hedge his bets for the future....nobody here knows any of this, but it doesn't matter for the question at hand.

None of it matters when it comes down to it, everyone has the right to choose what happens to their body. OP does, OP's husband does. He doesn't want to have a vasectomy...end of story.

Pugthug · 04/07/2015 11:34

No some people just like to remain intact for as long as possible. It's not necessarily to do with having more children.

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