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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DH to get a vasectomy

507 replies

elderfloweriver · 03/07/2015 17:58

We have two, nearly three children, a mix of boys and girls (if that's relevant) and no3 was unplanned.

We hit a rocky stage in our marriage and I asked him to leave for a bit. He did so. Now we are back together but I have to admit I didn't want 3 DCs.

I won't use hormonal contraception and so now our family is complete I feel DH should look into having a vasectomy - I just CAN'T have four children!

But I can't work out whether this is reasonable and fair or controlling?

What do you think?

OP posts:
Iliveinalighthousewith2friendl · 04/07/2015 10:05

I did not say that. But none of us know what the future has in store for us.

Teabagbeforemilk · 04/07/2015 10:05

It happens to plenty of people. Even when they don't think it will happen.

That's not to say you are wrong about yourself. But a few years changes people's minds sometimes

MrsDeVere · 04/07/2015 10:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Timetodrive · 04/07/2015 10:07

How can a man discuss with his wife that he might want more children with a new partner it they split, without sounding not committed to the relationship he is in? There are plenty of men who have to try to reverse the op because they find themselves in a situation the never envisaged when they had the op. If a man has the first family young he could still start a new family when his first children are adults.

hampsterdam · 04/07/2015 10:07

So you are using it as a test of love?you would be sterilised if he offered. You sound desperately unhappy and stressed you need to speak to your midwife or health visitor. Stop worrying about this for now, you're pregnant, you can't get double pregnant.

scaevola · 04/07/2015 10:07

"Can people not understand what it would mean to hear DH say 'don't worry love, I will book in the snip while you recover from having our daughter.'"

This is what I mean about letting other issues coalesce on this one.

It is his body and his choice. It is about his views on his own fertility.

It is not, and never will be, about your ideas of romantic gestures.

Icimoi · 04/07/2015 10:09

I know I deserve it all because I have a vagina but it still upsets me

No-one is saying that, and you know it. If you "deserve" it, it's because you don't want any more children and that's the way to achieve your wish.

OwlinaTree · 04/07/2015 10:10

Only read page 1 but could you consider a copper coil? It's non hormonal and not much hassle.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 10:15

No definitely not a coil. But thanks.

MrsDeVere, thank you for understanding.

If he wants more children he can have them but he needs to be the one looking after them, I'm done.

And please will you all quit it with the 'well if he wants a new family' - it is REALLY insulting.

OP posts:
tumbletumble · 04/07/2015 10:17

YANBU at all to ask him to have a vasectomy, and to think less of him if he refuses. Obviously you can't force him though.

Signlake · 04/07/2015 10:19

God only knows why there isn't more contraception options for men. I mean really, it would make things easier for so many people. Isn't there a pill in development for men? I think it's been in development for years

It's extremely unfair on men and women

RitaCrudgington · 04/07/2015 10:19

If I'm reading right, there's an underlying current that your DC3 is the result of some degree of "coercive" sex at an unsafe time of the month (very vague phrase because the OP hasn't stated any details at all). And that's why you don't think condoms will be safe enough for you. And of course that's influencing the way you feel about contraception - how could it not?

But you asked about vasectomy so that's the answers you're getting, and even the people who picked up on the other issues don't think that the link between your DH's behaviour and requiring a vasectomy makes sense. If you need to kick him out again or make him change his behaviour then do so (and start a new thread for specific advice) but don't make it all revolve around this. If he really wants to change and wants to use this decision to signal that then I can see why that would be lovely, but it won't come out of the blue.

Singsongsung · 04/07/2015 10:20

I'm quite surprised at some of the comments on here. I agree with you OP. As a woman, for years I was the provider of contraception (the pill), I was the one experiencing the physical traumas of miscarriage and later birth, including a very traumatic crash c section, etc etc.

Our family is now complete. We both agree and dh has had the op. He entirely agreed that it was his turn. You are nbu but your dh is.

captainproton · 04/07/2015 10:23

I understand what she means Teabag, if you've been on contraception from your teens, experienced mood swings, having to change it to something else, possibly cervical erosions caused by the hormones, having to listen to partners who 'hate' condoms and expect you to take care of family planning. Then when you do decide as a couple to have children together, your body goes through the hell of pregnancy in OP's case 3 times. Your partner may be sympathetic but they just don't get how being pregnant changes you, makes you more likely to become fat, stretched, varicose veins, saggy boobs, ripped down below due to child birth or massive scars on your stomach from CS. Countless injections, blood tests, smears all because in the great lottery of life women were born with the vaginas.

I think the reason why male contraception is not really being pushed into being a proper viable option even though prototypes exist is because it's all seen as women's problems. They've got it too bloody easy. It just feels like another stick with which man can beat woman with.

When you are in a marriage and you are raising a family together it is the female who has had to put her body through the creation of life, it would go a loooooong way towards mutual respect if the man could go for a vasectomy. Oh yes there are risks but there are risks to pregnancy and childbirth. And I totally get it when PP have said it's either he sorts his own contraception out or we don't have sex. Some men just cannot get on with condoms, some men whisper in your ear 'let's just chance it,' They may think oh well another child might not be so bad. But they have NO IDEA I am afraid of what having pregnancy after pregnancy is like.

I believe my DH will make his own way to the clinic in the end, if he wants to have condomless sex. I am not in the mood anymore for taking care of family planning. I want my body to have a break. It is a man's right to have or not have this procedure as it's a woman's right not to either, and it is our right's to form opinions on our partners who don't share the risks involved of wanting to continue having a sex life when you have done having a children and putting your body through hormonal treatment month after month.

Pugthug · 04/07/2015 10:24

YABU if dh had asked me to go ahead with sterilisation when I had my C-section I would have been horrified. I'm sorry I haven't read the whole thread and rhis may have been said already. What if your children die in a car crash or something(sorry to say that) - you may want to have more children. You never know what the future holds.

Signlake · 04/07/2015 10:27

I think the reason why male contraception is not really being pushed into being a proper viable option even though prototypes exist is because it's all seen as women's problems.

I agree with this. And I also find it unfair on men who don't want children and the only option is condoms. If that fails and the partner doesn't want to use a morning after pill, then the man gets no say whatsoever

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 10:28

Oh that's nice Pug - so I'd want to replace my children, is that it?

Of all the stupid comments on here, that one takes the biscuit. What a bloody horrible post.

Thanks captain, you explain it well.

I am not great when pregnant. I know sickness is normal but I get to the stage where I'm frightened to brush my teeth or eat because I know I'll be sick. I had to brush my teeth in two stints from November right through to April because I would throw up halfway through.

I feel like some sort of giant toilet everyone has pissed and crapped on and sterilisation feels like more of the same - I understand it's not but it feels so.

OP posts:
MrsDeVere · 04/07/2015 10:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 10:36

Sorry you had to read that MrsDeVere

I know it must be hard.

OP posts:
Pugthug · 04/07/2015 10:38

Yes I agree. It's not insulting at all, of course you wouldn't be able to replace your children but having more may give some people some comfort. How rude to say if someone chooses to do that they are cold and callous. TBH anyone that has these sorts of procedures completely baffle me I find it very clinical and cold way to see life.

Original poster
elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 10:40

What, you think anyone who has been sterilised is clinical and cold? I am inclined to think pragmatic and sensible, myself.

OP posts:
Pugthug · 04/07/2015 10:41

Sorry that's just how I feel.

elderfloweriver · 04/07/2015 10:41

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Pugthug · 04/07/2015 10:43

Blimey do you control people's thoughts too elder.

MrsDeVere · 04/07/2015 10:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.